His Love will Lead the Way

hello cellies,

Wow, the blog really has grown in sharings! I have to affirm everyone who has been posting because it really allows me to see how the Lord is real in your lives. I have been procrastinating posting because i have been busy and also i am allergic to blogs because i dont really like to journal. However i remember at the last retreat i told myself i should journal to keep track of my spiritual ups and downs and i guess this is a way to start.

If i had to classify my spiritual life right now, well its almost non-existent. I struggle even to pray daily for 10 mins and i must admit i didnt say the 1 our Father, 3 Hail Marys and 1 Glory Be for about 3 days out of the week so far because at 10pm i always seem to be at work still rushing out work to send before the next day.

I have been seriously reflecting when Jonathan shared about community living on Sunday about challenging each other and giving each other to question each other. I realized that im not ready for community living. In fact now, im questioning whether i am even called to community.

Now that im working, coming on Sundays is a big sacrifice because my brother only gets home on saturdays and my whole family only gets to eat 1 meal together a week. So Sundays spent with MSC means a lot of sacrifice of family time.

However what keeps me coming to community is the reason why i first came. I remember when i first came to MSC (then YW) i felt really happy that there were people who loved God as much as I did and were not afraid to show how much they loved Him whether it was in Praise and Worship or thanking Him in their sharings. I felt i didnt have to pretend to be someone else and still be accepted no matter how broken or sinful i was.

And thats what keeps me coming on Sundays. For once i dont have to pretend like i have to at work sometimes and i can just come to a place to praise God freely and be with people who accept me for who i am.

I guess thats why Jonathan's sharing scared me. I felt like all the questioning and challenging was so Judgmental. I know i would fail in many ways. And i know people always make sarcastic remarks about the way i spend money or how i go out drinking. I feel persecuted. unworthy and useless being in community sometimes because everyone thinks all im good for is spending money, i am materialistic, and some kind of party animal. It is very discouraging and honestly on more than one occassion last year i really wanted to just walk away because im seen as not a good "community member".

I shared once with some community members that i know people frown upon my lifestyle that i go out on Friday nights after work to drink with friends and apparently im some kind of party animal. However, i am not going to lie about it or pretend in front of the community that i do not engage in such activities. In fact for the record i ONLY go out on friday nights and never Saturday nights because of sessions on sundays. Most of the time i dont drink like 100 drinks and i drink very little because i have to drive. And i do enjoy my Friday nights catching up with friends and just relaxing with them.

Also, the person you see in community is the same person my friends outside see. I dont become more havoc or materialistic when im with them, im just the same Mel. My friends outside know my principles and they know where i stand and they respect that. And what hurts me sometimes is how in Community we have to "pretend" we dont have outside lives or we dont do certain things but in fact we do but we choose to hide it so as to not "contaminate" others in community. I strongly believe in consistency and i dont wear many masks. The person you see is the same person everyone else around me sees.

However, I will continue to pray (although i need to work on the prayer part too) and i remembered what Jason Lin shared with me when he called me one night. I was really struggling to make a decision and i kept listing down all the reasons and Jason just said "when will you ever realize its not about the choices you want ! Its NEVER about the choices you want to make in your life. Its about the choices He wants to make for you."

And i guess thats why im still in MSC and not somewhere else and its about His choice, not mine at all. And i think the only reason ive even come this far is solely by Grace because i know my human will would have failed me long ago.

God Bless,

Melch