Honesty

hi people it's me again. read the bcg's blog and was struck by the deep honesty of their sharing and i reflected on how honest and how personal my sharings were.

i must confess that i'm still struggling alot in not being able to share my spiritual life with adrian. it's hard and i feel persecuted most of the time. over time, it just gets too tiring and discouraging to embrace the sadness and disappointment, that subconsciously, i just resorted to disowning that struggle and that sadness. sweeping everything under the carpet instead of taking it to prayer. i have disowned it to the extent that i have forgotten about this problem. but this disowning has caused me to share with comm only about the superficial things of my life, has caused me to not be able to share the deepest part of myself with comm. wrong step. it would be more right to unite this sadness to the sufferings of Christ. read somewhere that it's normal for disciples of Christ to face persecutions. but it doesn't take away the reality of having to face the sadness and discouragement.

also, realized i have not gotten over: if i share deeper about him, how would the community see him? how would comm see me? what if he stumbled upon this blog and read what i've posted here? how would he react? would he distant himself from me? from the community?

as i type this, i'm filled with fear and anxiety of not knowing what will happen. i rem attempting to share deeply at another occasion before (outside comm) and was rejected. ppl couldn't take the honesty. will msc be diff? does this difference depend on every individual, starting from me?

eeever-lynn