can't think of a title

Ok, for once i am going to be 100% truthful

I am going thru a tough phase in my life now. At the same time, i will say i have never felt happier studying, because books are a getaway from all the pressure and 'belittlement' i am having now.

This lent has been a challenging one for me. Even as it draws to a close, i have yet to do what i promise to do during the start of Lent- that is to stop pretending

I hate it when i pretend to ppl at my school, telling lies so that i can get things to be done the way i want.My reason for it is because everyone does it too, if i don't do it, i will have to fit in other people's time which is really straining. ( i am sure all of u who have many grp projects will understand) . so i lie.

then sometimes Hall stuff get too taxing for me.. esp durin competition seasons and events, i will lie again! and it becomes an everyday thing.

MSC to me, was just like many of us have reliterated now and then, it is a place where i don't have to pretend, it is a place where i know i won't be judged.

However as i journey with the community longer and longer, I feel pressured. I feel belittled... sometimes i really wonder if it is worth it.

I have been trying to get back on my bike these couple of mths. this yr being SEA games yr,the team needs me. perhaps its out of responsibilty which catalyse me to start training again. but after so many hard trg with memories inching back into me, i realise i will not be 'me' if i stop cycling altogether. It hurts me when ppl in the community tell me not to cycle, not to go training, because serving god is more impt, i have to go for cell grp which is more impt, retreat comes first..

so i started to pretend. somehow telling the community that i have an exam next week, a project to rush is a more valid reason than training. But i knew from the start that once i start this habit, i can lie about everything else. and i really feel the damage, because i don't get anything out of sharing any longer, reason being i haven't been truthful, i felt that i have short changed the rest of you, end of the day, i am the one at the losing end.

i feel belittled at times as my ways always don't seem to be accepted, and some people seems like they always know the right way. and i am quite sure just just as some of you are reading this post right now, you will feel that " he is young, he is going thru a phase *I* have been thru b4"

The * at I was placed on purpose - the emphasis on it was deliberate. I really wanna ask," how can you be so sure that what you do is right? how can you be so sure that you know what i have been going thru? how can you be so sure that you know the whole community inside out for that matter?" If the human mind is so easy to be read by anyone else, there won't be this beautiful thing called distinct identity the lord has placed in each of us.

the steven you see in the community is really not the same person u see when i am with my other friends. i feel pressured to live a certian life style which i am not convinced of. Don't get me wrong, The lord has done many miracles in my life and he is always first, but i really have qualms about placing community before anything else other than our lord. At times i feel it is more like a social club where there are 2 kinds of people- one, ppl who have placed their whole life with god, 'choose' to have no hobbies no close outside friends, and thus want to feel a sense of security, want to feel affirmed by the community, two- ppl who place their whole life with god, don't wanna be there at time because sometimes,you just want to be alone, cos sharing is just like speaking with other friends who seem to be closer to you.'

If community living and serving god has really made you an empowered person, why do you still have emotional ups and downs? why do you need the emotional affection of someone, why do you have to be childish and let the certain someone you have issues with feel your pain, when you will give less suffering to the person just by telling him what is wrong. being with the community so long, this is how issues are solved? Is it wrong for someone to be indifferent? who are you to judge in the first place.

'I am so convinced that community is the way of life.'

every morning i pray for god's grace, for me to be more discern, for me to exp the community way of life. but at the same time, i preserve my views, don't wanna share deep details about things in my life because of the fear of judgement.

It is really hard, this desert of faith i am walking thru, when I feel confused at the end of it all. When sometimes i just want to learn more about God alone

So this is the real me, '100% free from lies; sharing... sorry if it wasn't one you were hoping that it will perk up your day.

It is times like this that i rather bury my head in the books. somehow even statistics is a good getaway from this pretentious life.


steven