giving credit to Him

thanks Joshua for heading praise and worship session yest.

My revelation for yest is why I still come running back to God after so many unexpected unpleasant events occured in my life.

Do we join a community to experience God or is cos of the love of God that we have the desire to share his love with others.

A question i was pondering about last week was the difference between my cycling team, my running team, my friends and community. I find joy riding round singapore to malaysia to thailand with my friends. I enjoy the comradaire in my running team, how we saw each other through the tough training everyday, was during this period of time that I ask myself this question," why do I still come travelling to and fro for community events, knowing that i will be issued another challenge which i may not be receptive to, why do I still come for community if I can spend the time cycling, n experience God on my own.

And so my question is answered. Its that simple. It is because of God. I join cycling because of my love of cycling. once the love of it gone is gone, naturally i will bid farewell to the team. I train with my running team because of the companionship and stay because of the common goal to achieve something together. If i one day i cannot run again, i will not stay and be happy just to be the team's water boy evvery other day. Yest when I was having high tea with 4 of my filty rich Tai tai aunties who are well respected individuals in shenton way, they frown when I told them I am not interested in pursuing double degree just to ensure a brighter future. They thought i was out of my mind pursuing a teaching profession rather than striving in the money rich economy. birds of the same flock come together, i spend the next 2 hrs filling my plate with food while they were talking about the shares to invest in, companies to look at, courses theier teenage children should take in order to ahead of the rest of their peers. Birds of the same kind flock together, the ugly duckling was a swan never accpeted because of it difference. the same reason why hillary and bush can't agree on things. andy anders0n and hillary are best of friends. Its basically the core, the ideals which hold friends, family, organisations together.

So why will i choose to still be part of a community, it will be cos of my love for God. The only time I will choose to leave a community is cos of my severed relationship with the lord, regardless of whether its cos of hurt, guilt, unforgiveness, pain, anger which make me do so. So its not about the community, but my relationship with God isn't it.

For those who were not ard yest, Joshua share with the kids how we all don't have to join minitries, communities, organise retreats just to impress God. Cos He actually just want us for who we are. He want us even though we are sinners, brokened and unworthly as we always feel we are. Its cos of our relationship with God, our love for Him, the love that overflow which results in us serving in our various ministries and communities.

I was at SPP in the afternoon. I wanted to prepare myself for the spiritual prep of the kids at night. When i was at adoration room reciting the rosary and devine mercy, I chance upon this phrase- family that prays together stays together.

I came back to the community yest regardless of how tired i was because i know that just simply being there, praying, will change lives. its just like sun tanning. we spend the day in the sun, most of the time not satisfied with our tan at the end of the day, but we always get darker than we already are. We may not see the lived we have changed, but we definitely have.

"Poem on Toil"

Ages, it has been ages i have last blog .. if i am not wrong my last entry was about my Physics paper.. so many things have happened since the 1 month plus. The question that i asked myself was "have you been growing ?" I am not sure..... but i thank God for the experiences that i had.

I hope this is not an overdued thansgiving letter to Our Lord n Our Lady in relationship to my exam results. Praise the Lord that i cleared all my papers and esp my killer paper PHYSICS. I was so glad that I do not have to DO it again. Yah, i cLEARED with a D (a min pass). i was awed that God see me thro in all that I do.. in the process of going through this, i am indeed blinded by my expectation and how i have lost touch with GOD....

Since exams were over, i started work, i started to meet up with friends (friend that i found it hard to talk to and pple i am very comfortable with) and even started to be part of a new ministry-RCPM (Roman Catholic Prison Ministry). All these EVENTS in my life really added more meaning. It challenged me to move out of my comfort zones, at the same time to make me realised my own "hidden agenda" for example; i want to be appreciated n loved. hmm..... i praise God for allowing me to discover myself in the process.

anyway i will stop here, must get back the spirit to blog soon....

Leave this verse for us to ponder Ecclesiates 1: 2 - 11 (RSV)

Vanity of vanities, says the preacher
vanity of vanities! All is vanity.
What does man gain by all the toil
at which he toils under the sun?
A generation goes, and a generation comes,
but the earth remains forever.
The sun rises and th sun goes down,
and hastens to the place where it rises.
The wind blows to the south,
and goes round to the north;
round and round goes the wind,
and on its circuits the wind returns.
All streams run to the sea,
but the sea is not full;
to the place where the streams flow,
there they flow again.
All things are full of weariness;
a man cannot utter it;
the eye is not satisfied with seeing,
nor the ear filled with hearing.
What has been is what will be,
and what has been done is what will be done;
and there is nothing new under the sun.
Is there a thing of which is said,
" See, this is new"?
It has been already,
in the ages before us.
There is not remembrance of former things,
nor will there be any remembrance of later things yet
to happen among those who come after.

happy ppl of msc

I went trekking with Janice today!

it was a breathtaking experience being able to interact with God's creation, which really really testify His Love. all the creatures, all the beauty will testify your love

never have I seen this sight of singapore before, i never take time to appreciate the uniquenesss of singapore wild life. Sure I have trekked so many forest and jungles in 2 yrs, but I never tried to understand the beauty and purpose of the soil, insects and plants.

It took me away from all the hustle in the city. The feeling was like the 4 days in Thailand, when the soul suddenly have a peek into God's kingdom, without any distractions, without any devilish thoughts lurking around.
Whats better than understanding the beauty of it all from a fellow sister in Christ.

We will be camping ( staying overnight ) and hiking in pulau ubin next week.
Join us!

but a word of caution- you are gonna be muddy, you will get bitten by insects and slapped by brunches, my timbleland shoes are now like mud shoes of cave men after today

But all is worth it for the fun, interaction with God's creation and the feeling of being lifted up into the skies to appreciate it all!

THe world is complicated, God is simple.
Yes God, I want a simple life which equals to following you.

I Will Testify Your Love

I want to praise, i want to thank God for the beautiful semester, for seeing through the semester, to be indifferent to what people say about me but depend fully on you for guidance. for letting my character pull through, for spilling over your love to the people around me, for I am proud to have been an instrument of you in school.

Just as I thought I have messed up another sem, doing my after action review, trying to find out what went wrong, a close friend from my course msg me today thanking me for my help.

Just when I thought things will only get harder, that it is gonna be a start of a cold battle betw me and the financial world, a friend opened my heart to God's love once again.

My friend and I were just platonic friends who only attend one module together, turn project mates, beng head strong, we were having endless verbal war with one another. I never dreamed we will ever share about our private life, and become study partners one day.

As I thought back about how it all started, it was really God's grace that I had the humility and patience. Project intially was a selfish thing, I make sure everyone fits into my time table and not the other way round, when things go wrong, trouble shooting what went wrong was not done out of love but out of own selfish wants of getting my 'A'

One day, in the midst of the semester, i went for mass and was challenged to let Love be the centre of everything I do.

And I tried so hard to put that into perspective all the time, it was hard, it was a struggle, but I carried my cross.


That is what makes a catholic different from a normal person

the happiness I showed even during the most difficult time brought joy to people.

was it worth it? to always let people step on you? to struggle all the time when things could be much easier?


A brother of mine told me that I did not give up everything for nothing. but I gave up everything for Everything. Profound? - ponder

when I thought God was not there, the same brother told me that God is always there

I teared. one time, two times

And I am tearing again at the moment for how amazing his love is. For I am affirmed by his love. He showed me the fruits i reaped. I may not have done well, but I have was an instrument of his Love.

having a birthday cake in the midst of the exams seems impossible, my friends made it possible. I never see it beyond the reason that we have been through ups and downs together the whole sem. But today, I thank God for the character I have shown, which made all this possible.

I want to get A
I want a double degree
I want to be in the 'cool' gang
I want to be different


Oh well, I may seem limp and fake to never dream of big cars, house or being an associate one day

I just know I am just so happy, jumping for joy just to able to testify your love!

Steven

THese are some of the photos taken during my trip in Malacca ...

(remember to include ur name AND label at the end!!)

"I just called to say i love you" by Steview Wonder

Dearest Brothers and Sisters in Christ,

I am sharing this wonderful experience i had with my father this morning ... i just sense the Lord doing something more in my and my father's life which i don't know what it is.

Well, this morning, my father messsaged me, as usual asking me about my life and situation in Singapore. I just updated him that i came back from the Malacca from the Set Free seminar and then he replied me sharing with me his courtship days with my mother in Malacca back in 1978. In fact, just before I left for Malacca, my mother was sharing me the same thing and she told me the times when they were both holding hands together and people back then were damn weird la ... they were both looking at my parents holding hands together; thinking my parents were weirdos ... after that, i replied him that "ya ... it seemed to bring you back a lot of memories and all."

And then, this is what he replied me via sms, "It sure brings back all those memories which i am so afraid of. Only this morning, i cried when i heard Stevie Wonders's "I just call to say i love you..." it's the song that i know you love and saw you singing so happily when you were just so young. Remember? Now you know why I said i am so afraid of remembering my past. It hurts so much that everytime this happens, i need to pray to God to forgive me for what i have done to you both."

I am glad that he's repentant about what he has done and i believe God has already forgiven him. In any case, I have written him a long long letter which was long overdued since Good Friday. It was on Good friday that he told me he had a beautiful experience of the our loving and merciful God and he broke down so much during the whole service during Good Friday. I always wanted to follow up from there since He's in New Zealand and actually wanted to ask him to go for one of the Schools in ICPE - New Zealand so that he could grow more and more in his faith journey with Jesus.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pblg2fuxl4M&mode=related&search=

Do check out this song... I believe some of you might know this songs ... oh yes ... this song really brings me back a lot of memories. This is one of the songs that my father and i really like it. I use to see him as my role model especially when he sing songs like this .. there are actually more songs than this but i could not remember most of them. I remember him as my role model ... especailly when he helps out in the family with those carpentry and repairing work ... just like a relationship with Joseph and Jesus... i mean it man ... the last work i did with him before my parents divorced was when he did with me my O Level Design and Technology Project - i got an A for that ...

Come to think of it ... he actually taught so much skills when i was young .. but i never actually continued from there as i have forgotten much of it.

With Love,
Your brother in Christ,

Colin Sng

This photo was taken with Fritz and Diana Mascarenhas (their youngest daughter) from ICPE India (http://www.icpe.org/MC_Home.php?MCID=8) @ the Set Free Seminar in Malacca - Good Shepherd Seminary. So privilege to take photograph with them. They are really a role model to me man ... I just pray that one day I would be like them if God ever willed to be a couple ICPE Missionary. They are such a wonderful inspiration to me especially when they shared about their journey towards marriage and they literally surrendered their whole lives to God our loving and perfect Father. Can you believe it ... Fritz did not even pursue Diana ... what he did was he surrendered all His Plans to our Loving Father - complete trust.

For those who are not aware, this Set Free Seminar, to me was super good for young adults. It covers topic on relationships, friendships, boundaries, human sexuality, and sex. The topics covered are so essential in our growth towards marriage especially those who think that their personal vocation is a call towards marriage ...

Anyway, there might be a possibility that Diana might be organizing a similar session (Set Free) in November 2007 in Singapore itself. She came to Singapore in November 2005 ...

"God of Relationships" - Set Free Seminar

Dearest BASIC,

As you all know, I went for a weekend retreat @ Malacca by Fritz and Diana (Couple Missionary) from ICPE - India. It was known as the "Set Free" Seminar where it touches a lot on psycho-spirituality and human sexuality. How psychospirituality can really affect our relationship with God and the people around us ... One of the important lessons i learnt over e weekend is that psycho-spirituality is about this .. that we uses psychology to understand ourselves and also the relationships that we encounter in our daily lives. HOwever, we can't just simply depend on psychology as it will just stop at understanding but forgetting the importance of the Divinity of God .. hence, psycho-spirituality is also about allowing the Holy Spirit to heal that area of our relationship so that we could move on to be a much more wholesome person ... to be set free from our bondages that we are not even aware of. So the goal of healing is about allowing God to make us to be whole once again ...

In any case, I would say it is quite a handful for me .. there were so much thoughts in my mind that i did not really had the opportunity to jot down and to internalized my thoughts until last evening when i was with the Men-to-Men Fellowship session at Coffee Bean (S'goon Gardens)... there are 13 of us there. It was when i started internalizing and sharing that i got the whole big picture of what is God telling during the weekend. And again, He is challenging some more now ... after so much of Divine Experiences on His Divine Providence.

Well, before I began, perhaps, I would like to give a summary of what we actually went through over the past three days. One of the topics we dealt with was on Erik Erikson's personality theory (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erik_Erikson). Diana was the one who presented the topic and she gave quite a number of examples. It was when she spoke about young adults on (Intimacy vs. Isolation) and then she go on sharing about one particular example on promises. During that period, I felt the Holy Spirit was really speaking to me - this is really the time when God intervene into my life. I broke down when Diana mentioned about promises and waiting and it was exactly when i remembered the time when I was really young i kept pestering and asking my father when he will be coming back. I was waiting and waiting but to no avail. He promise that he will come back but he did not. I remembered how I have this deep belief that the family that prays together stays together so I was actually literally waiting for him to come back so that we could really pray together as a family that was what i really wanted at that point in time.

And then, the Lord shared with me more stuff over the next two days where it was really written in the Scriptures that those who says that He love the Lord but does not love his neighbour is a liar. It really hit me as well. I really that i could really relate to God of Providence so much especially after so many experiences i had with the Lord in the area of providence. It then dawned upon me that i could trust in His Divine Providence but could not trust Him in terms of relationships. For those who have been journeying with the Community long enough would probably agree with me that most of my mistakes that i have made in the past are all related to relationships. I realised that i had this tendency to cling on to people very easily as what Diana/Fritz would put it ... co-dependent relationships. That is not a healty relationship .. and all these are due to my deep insecurity in me hence, causing so much of mistakes especially in the area of ministry. I have fallen so many times because i was not able to trust in the God of Relationships. And this also applies to my struggle with the people within my family and even Janice. I could not trust Him enough that the time will come when He will provide me with the right person in my life. With regards to the Divine PRovidence, well i guess I was able to trust Him in the area of providence simply because I was provided much when i was very young before my parents were divorce especially since i was the only child. Whatever i asked for, I was practically given but of course, they know their limits and they would provide me what is really important for me.

I felt the Lord is really challenging to accept what has happened in the past of my father not promising what he promised and to move on. But i do admit that i have move on in the area of my anger towards my father in a lot of ways but there are still some areas that God is going to move me more and more. But i guess another message that the Lord was telling me was my relationship with my mother. What i felt was that i was able to relate to God the Father so much that i have neglected my relationship with my mother and the people around me such that i have isolated myself . In fact, I was pretty aware of how much i have isolated myself from the rest of the people through using the laptop or the computer in my office to shut myself off from the people. This isolation i felt was so much to do with the many hurts i have been through due to the mistakes that i made as i cross many boundaries of others and not learning to balance to take a step back when it's necessary. I was fearful to create a healthy relationship with others hence this isolation has been so evidental lately within my family and hence, the Lord is really challenging me to come out of my comfort zone which is really a big struggle for me.

But i believe that i first need to accept myself more and more and also to accept that situation that happened many years back when my father did not act on his promises which affected my situation now.

So i pray that God will heal me more and more and to set me free from the bondage of being isolated from the people around me.

Thanks.

With Love,
Your brother in Christ,
Colin Sng

Do we forgive to have faith or have faith to forgive?

Rem i shared about my relationship with my mum some weeks back?

well, one week ago, i quarrelled with her. in the tense situation, i took the opportunity to really say out my true feelings to her, about how hurt i was in the way she treated me, about how unappreciated i felt. i thought it would end up in a bitter cold war, but thank God it didn't. the good thing was, becos we both were full of pride, i put a challenge before her :"since we are both at fault, i am willing to change. are you?" thank God she said yes. dunno what i'd do if she said no. so well, cos of my pride, and my big mouth, i have to do wat i said: change. maybe it was good too. costhe days that followed, i could see we really did put in effort to give in to each other, even tho it was in the tiniest things. but it was a good start.

during those times, i prayed so much about it for the grace to want to do something about it. didn't expect God's grace to come in this form. but i was also very awe-struck when there was one day that i read the daily mass readings and there was this passage about faith and forgiveness. i was wondering wat has faith got to do with forgiveness? and i realized how GOd spoke to me.

rem in my previous post, i didn't believe in God's love for me, that was about not having the faith in God's love. and this issue is about forgiveness. so do we forgive in order to have faith or have faith in order to forgive? during one of the weekdays, i went for novena noon mass, and it was so "coincidental" that it was they were having the divine mercy devotion (forgiveness). the priest spoke about how we never think too much about all the planes that land safely in the airport but once there is A plane crash, it becomes the headline. we have focused too much on the negative things and have not looked at the positive things enough. when we really look at the numerous blessings/help/miracles/providence/goodness that God has given me in my life, i will have the faith that "Yes God does love me afterall". when i'm convicted of God's love for me, i believe in His mercy for me too. If God has mercy on me, can i (an imperfect being) not have mercy on my mother too? perhaps it may sound very cliche, but i guess mere words will never be able to fully express the tangible experience that i felt and went through.

I truly praise GOd for this wonderful, healing experience and encounter. i can actually "see" the effects of this transformation taking place, manifested in having more peace when talking to my mother (forgiveness), and believing more and more that i can be loved in my relationship (faith in God's love thru my relationship). Thank you dearest Father, for healing me! I love you too!

Lynn

Prayer is like using hair conditioner

My oh my, it's been ages since i last blog cos of exams, post-exam activities, marking, etc. i'm finally here today to pen some thoughts, in fact many thoughts have come and gone.

i rem slightly more than a month ago (Labour Day), i was struggling with relationship, with the insecurity and the need to constantly feel important to someone. felt frustrated to the point that i became very stressed and tired of this insecure feeling. took a break from relationship for awhile. and realized that i was too overly-attached to the need to feel important all the time. perhaps it was becos i felt small and insignificant all the time, so i needed to feel important all the time to counter the sad fact of my insignificance and unimportance.

came to realize that i was not at all convinced of God's love for me at all. i recall having this realization last year in dec, think during the retreat. over the months when school started, i just conveniently forgot about it, swept it under the carpet, and now it's here to haunt me again. my need to feel important before God manifested itself in my need to feel important in my relationship, needed to be treated like a princess (haha), needed to be given priority all the time. i say yes, u better dun say no. i say left, u better dun say right. made me feel very self-centred.

over the short time away, i was really looking for a breakthrough. i really wanted to be healed of this once and for all. i really didn't want this thing to bug me anymore, it was too tiring. so i really made the decision to pray daily, for the first time. though i've been in ministry so many years, how ironic that i never made the effort to pray daily, even though i preach about it at every camp that we do. this time, i was serious. i figured my freshest time of the day would be immediately after a bathe. so almost everyday after my bathe, no matter what time, i would fix the next 15 minutes after bathe time for prayer. since i hated monotony, i would require a prayer that changes everyday. what better prayer than to pray the daily mass readings, Word of God. so i did.

first 5 min: thank God for any moments i felt His presence and help, as well as to offer up that prayer time to God. i realize asking God to sanctify and purify our time to God is crucial in really making the prayer time productive and enriching, becos in maintaining prayer, it's never just about using our human strength, it's always a collaboration with God, so how can we not ask God to help us, even if it's just asking Him to keep us faithful and focused in that 15 min. next 5 min, read the first reading, the responsorial psalm and the day's Gospel, slowly as though i was reading at the pulpit for mass. last 5 min, reflect and dwell on any part of the readings that i like, or that struck me, or that i dun understand. end off with a glory be. this 15 min daily prayer has kept me going till now.

i came to learn that building up our prayer life is like using conditioner for our hair. the very first time u use a hair conditioner, you would not be able to tell its effect. only when u use it consistently over a period of time, then can u tell if it's a good conditioner or not. similar, if u stop using the conditioner just for one day, it would not affect your hair quality very much. but if u stop using it for a few days, you can actually feel that your hair is rougher and less manageable. same for prayer. if we only pray 1,2 or 3 days, we would not feel the peace and guidance of the Spirit in our lives effectively. only when we consistently keep to a prayer routine, then can we feel God's wisdom and strength consistently. and even if u stop prayer for one day, it's fine as long as u pick it up again the next day. the danger here is that once u stop for one day, there is a higher tendency to stop the second day. this is where the real danger lies. i noticed that same effect with taking my thyroid medicine, my vitamin pills, even in relationship.

Consistency is the word here.

Lynn

MSC! (:

hello!

as i was walking down from church today, i was just thinking about msc, and realising that this is such a blessing in my life! (: haha. and i was blogging and thot it would be quite good to post it here too! (:

being in msc really amazes me sometimes, amidst all the teasings and fun
and laughter we share, and all the seriousness, the quarrels, the struggles,
the busy-ness and high committment level of things, the long meetings and the
prayerful mood sessions, the friendships built and the deep sharings between
people, the special hanging-out and ado sessions, the starting of a new
beginning, new ministries and new cell groups......

sometimes it can be so overwhelming when i see everything slowly unfolding to see how God is leading us all the way esp how far we have come, sometimes so upsetting when i feel left out and sometimes feel so happy cos i feel so integrated in it all. this whole myraid of feelings just shows how much msc means to me, too much to ever want to be without it ever. (:

you all are really such a special bunch of people in my life.

so really, i thank God for MSC, and for all of you for being a part of it. (:

The only thing to treat evil is with Love of God

Hi peeps! i had so much thoughts during class just now. so glad to see shireen and darren there... i thought i will be the only one la!


anyway what I gonna talk about will have no link to the title above. The above title was just some thoughts triggered off in the afternoon. Jude shared with me once that God does not treat evil people the way we will want them to be treated. cos he wants the most evil person to return to him

which ties in with mass today, when father said that we should not worry bout the wrong things we did yest, but think about how to lead a christ like life tomorrow. which is also in line with today's class on how even Saul, the person who persecuted the early disciples became an instrument of God.

ACTS 10:15
what God has made clean, you have no right to call it profone

ACTS 10: 28
God has made it clear to me that I must not call anyone profone or unclean.

simply, we are not to talk bad about other religion, race, country or colour. It is so easy today to blame people for the wrong things which happen around us which breeds evil. For me, a good example will be simply saying foreigners are not religious people, raise academic standards and thus I don't like foreigners. which breeds devilish thoughts(sins in me)... something i need to reflect on.

Guilty of anything??? anybody?

because what we eat is never unclean, it is our words, actions which may be unclean


& jean thanks for coming! so sorry for the erm.. know u were tired and u had to come out of the car... sorry for the carelessness! my mind was still on the lesson!
It left such an impact:

read ACTS- 9:1-30 on conversion of Paul

In experience, Paul discovered Jesus. In discovery of Jesus, he discovered God.

After the explanation of the whole ACT, i reflected on it and really become part of me and suddenly, lots of inspirations just keep running thru my head.


The series of events Paul Went thru:

God's experience
persecuting Jesus.
believe in risen Lord
believe in risen Lord
go on a mission

What is our God experience? when and how did we exp Him

each of us have our own God experience, that is the start of us knowing our Christian life. By our life experience with God, we are chosen instruments, witness of Jesus, to spread the catholic faith by actions, words, and not by bugging ppl to become one.


Acts 7: 2-53-
we are witness to God's grace, who saves us. (salvation history)


I was reminded once again of the word Commitment.
what is our mission?
what is more important in our lives
why do we struggle?

correct me if i am wrong, it has been something i have been praying about these few weeks since my return. Then was revealed in class to me today. My jaws literally dropped

It was response to a question I asked Jude a while back.
-why we struggle

Stephen the deacon, the 1st martyr-an example for all disciples to follow. he lives his life according to the word of Jesus, reached out and touch people's life, faced struggles along the way, every disciple must do the same.

many parallel can be drawn between Jesus and Stephen:
-proclaim the good news
-strong faith
-got in trouble for proclaiming the good news
-get trialled
-get condemned
-executed
-die same way as Jesus

because the end result is all that matters:

"But Stephen filled with the hol spirit, gazed into heaven and saw the glory of God, and Jesus standing on the right on the father. 'I can see heaven thrown open' he said.

Acts 7: 55

Stephen, with the grace of God, power of the spirit, saw his glorification,

and we disciples are all called to glory



In summary:

In times of evil, what do we use to counter evil? evil can = war, materialism, internal fight with masturbation, stealing, so what do we use?- weapons, words, weak points of people?
Simply God's love though the use of the only "weapon he gives us"-our brain
the best and most dangerous weapon of man- the human brain!
Through history, Arts, music, plays are expression of oneself, reflection of one's culture, that is why we can't lose them, or take them for granted. Its is the fundamental that keeps us grounded

Each of us have our own God experience.

We are the apostles of today, we save the lives of others, not us, then who?

For me, the homework for today is to reflect on the struggles i face. For now, i only can think bout troubles like balancing faith and school work, helping the poor-like Christians are to help the poor right, but how to carry it out and how frequen?(I really wonder if giving 10cent to every little boy and gal doing cip is counted), struggles with how I should treat people(simple things like not being angry with drivers on the road, people digging nose, burping in front of me to things like lying???) in summary- guess its struggle with putting God in perspective in my lifestyle.

But I guess there is more to struggle. so that explains the homework!

shireen, darren! what is your take for today

praise Lord for our cell group! i feel so inspired to write because I know there will be a lot of response. right collin, eve, kenny, cons?

Seek Ye First the Kingdom of God PART II

Hey friends,

A months or even a year ago, ... can't remember exactly when ... i read this testimony by a couple lay missionaries from ICPE. And i was reading this article, i realised their story is similar to my with so much surprises ahead in my life ... it's so real la!!! And towards the end of the testimony, he mentioned about "Seek ye first the Kingdom of our God ... everything will be given unto you!!!" Praise be to God!!!!

http://www.icpe.org/Testimonies_Detail.php?TestimonyCriteriaPass=&ResultRow=4
ICPE -Testimonies

Check it out ... May this inspire each and everyone of us to seek God first ... seek His Heart and everything will be given unto us.

With Love,
Your brother in Christ,
Colin Sng

Yours Truly

Hey!

Ok there are lots on my mind now, so i guess i have to blog!

Today, I attended evening mass at OLPS for my rites of acceptance.
Father GReg started the homily with the story of the oprea "Madam Butterfly"

Madam butterfly is a famous opera which was in Singapore 2 yrs back. This yr is at its 100th yr running.

Anyway father was preaching about the origins of the opera. The opera was initially written by Giacomo Puccini, but half way, b4 he could finish the opera, he died. At his death bed, he asked his disciples to continue on with his work.
His disciples, whose lives were greatly inter wined because of his work and Puccini as a person, continued his work.

when the opera was showed for the 1st time at broadway, half way into the play, the orchestra stopped playing. the actors stopped at their positions and became solemn,
his disciple who was leading the orchestra, turned around, and told the audience," this is where my master-Puccini stopped at his work. The rest of the work was continued by me as he had wanted." With that, they observed a min of silence before continuing on with the show.

At the end of the show, the audience said that this show was extraordinary and left a deep impact in all of them. It wasn't because the author walked onto the stage at the end of it all and they felt it was a good show, it wasn't because the story was beautiful in the first place, was the humanity shown by the disciple, the love he showed to his master which brought the audience deeper into the opera, giving them a whole new experience.

After this story was told, I had a picture of Jesus and his mission in my mind.

How we are the apostles of today, its us and no one else, how we are called to carry on the Lord's work.

and this phase struck me:

he come, he died and he conquered

he come, he died and he conquered!

During the past week, I was trying to bringing life to the video, trying to get this message across- about how we are called to carry on his mission. I had many visions in my mind, many skeletons, but no matter how i try to change the flow of video, sounds, it still seem so dry. I wasn't satisfied with what I do, cos I wasn't able to bring out the whole experience of it all. That was when I decided to put in a voice over to it. Till today, I was super vexed over the video besides other things, and during morning mass i was trying so hard just to convince myself to leave the video in God's hands. he will take care of the rest.

After a day of events, I realized that I have missed the point. To portray carrying out his mission will be just impossible to do. Because it is showing a process of realization a person has to go through, to have transformation of heart, to experience the healing process himself, to become a llving testimony of God's love.

End of day, it is the realization that Jesus is the only way, its only through the Father that we find real happiness, to be living testimony, and we portray this 'joy' of realization to the people around us, how our lives were changed that we spread the 'love'.

And that is why it starts with me

it starts with my own inner healing, my own prayer time, my own walk with God before I can know more about God which will eventually lead to reaching out to others.




And I really praise Lord for this cell, for this blog. As I look through my past entries, in fact all the posts of everyone, I realized how much I/We have all grown along the way. And I realized how community has indeed changed my life just by the posts. I looked back on my entry on how i had issues with the community and today- It is such a vast difference. I think one thing really struck me today was how Collin approached me and we had so much to share about. prior to the blog, I will have felt that we have anything in similarities, that he won't understand the things i go through. Its only through the blog that some dark areas of our lives were surfaced, I know about his life, and through his courage in listening to the Holy Spirit that made me ponder more about the mysteries of God.

I thank God for this cell and blog. sadly and excitingly, it is going to be June soon! Before we bid this cell group farewell and spread our love and blogging fever around, lets have a meet up!!


i think we should do something for a change.

and cons, kenny, colin, eve, darren so super tired after work n need something to energize!( me and shireen bumming ard hahha) i getting fatty legs already, lets go canoing!!! (so cons, don't go out w guy no time for us hoh heh!!)

East Coast Park
SAT 26 May / 2 Jun
$10 per houf


or

ROCK CLIMBING!!!

very fun. I have all the equipments.very safe, very easy to learn. sure to enjoy.

Climb Adventure
tanjong pagar
$6 per person
same dates


ORR

K la, if all else fails, lets just chill at some place.

discuss on Tag k! see which day good for everyone

Ok take care everyone!! hear from you soon.

anyway I just injured my finger just now. same finger same hand as evelyn k...haha.and i couldn't stop thinking bout what eve said bout pointing the middle finger at her students, sub consciously i was showing it at the doc hahaa

Steven

Seek Ye First the Kingdom of God ...

Dearest Brothers and Sisters in Christ,

Well, once again, I have much to share with you BASIC.

For the past few weeks, I have been struggling quite a bit trying to seek for confirmation and affirmations from the Lord. I am sure you guys heard about my testimonies about how God has been providing me. Well, if you guys have read my previous long long blog entitled "Time to submit your paper" This is time round with regards to this blog, i would continue where the Lord has left off from there. So much to share from where He is leading me now in my search for Him in life.

This morning, I went for morning in SFX. Just before I went for mass, i was asking God once again whether it is His Will for me to accept the gift that my godfather is giving me. It was really a great gift and i need a confirmation from the Lord where this would be the right time and whether this is truly from our Loving and Perfect Father. I kept asking and struggling with it. I was struggling because to some extent, my mother was not too please about the idea but she gave me the freedom to choose and decide on my own. I have to admit that i have been struggling because i needed the support of my mother to decide and of course, i have tendency of the need to please others. But since she gave me the 'green light' to decide on my own, i turn to the Lord to seek for confirmation and affirmation. I told the Lord this morning that I need you to confirm with me that this is truly your will and then, I would not be straying away from you by accepting this gift. This very generous gift of yours ... if this is truly His gift for me.

Well, in one of my blogs, I mentioned that i have decided not to accept it. I wrote to my godfather the reasons why i am not accepting twice. I rejected his offer twice. But as i was rejecting this offer, i knew deep down in my heart i wanted the gift. I knew, as well, that this would be of great use for me and the people around me. It would be a gift where i could share with others well. And moreover, it will save a lot of my time waiting for the buses and MRT especially since i have decided to pick up my studies once again. In another words, i will be studying, working and ministering... I would be very taxed. My commitment will all be affected. If you could remember in one of my super long blog about my discernment process towards my studies. There were about 8 pointers altogether (if i am not wrong). Of the six pointers, 2 of them are my greatest anxieties and worries. But i put in on hold and i surrender to God since He has given me the go ahead with my studies plans. The 2 worries were my financial burdens and time commitment. And by the grace of God, two of my worries were resolved in just one email from my godfather.

In any case, as i was struggling with those questions as i woke up this morning. The Lord affirmed me once again that I should accept this gift. On Wedneday, the day before Ascension day, I had a chat with a friend, a catholic friend who we shared quite a bit in our faith journey. We usually chat on MSN. While talking to this friend, I became quite convinced that the Lord is fine with the idea and that this is gift for me. Next, that very evening, I met up with Edwyn d'souza ... and he shared with me something that really struck me ... God is crazy and insane about me ... His love for me is truly and really insane. He gave me the full support of that idea and he boost me with confidence that i will be able to drive well. Actually he said more than that, but these were some of the significant words that really strucks me. It was then that i became aware that this is really way beyond my dream to accept such a generous gift from my godfather. Even after talking to him, there were some negative inner voices that haunt me and i was quite affected by it especially this morning.

However, it was this morning that I told the Lord to confirm the message. He spoke to me twice. Even after I received the first confirmation this morning (at mass), I was still not convinced, so i told the Lord, I needed one more confirmation. And true enough, he confirmed with me through Raymond Tan during our core group meeting as I was sharing with the core about my good news.

It was in today's Gospel that i received the confirmation:

Jn 16:23 - 27

"On that day you will not question me about anything. Amen, amen, I say to you, whatever you ask the Father in my name he will give you. Until now you have not asked anything in my name; ask and you will receive, so that y our joy may be complete."

"I have told you this in figures of speech. The hour is coming when i will no longer speak to you in figures but I will tell you clearly about the Father. On that day you will ask in my name, and I do not tell you that I will ask the Father for you. For the Father himself loves you, because you have first love me and have come to believe that i came from God."

The second paragraph struck me very hard that i broke down in tears during mass. That He loves me so crazily and insanely that he giving me something way beyond my expectation and dream. Having a car is something that i never dream really dream of ... way at the bottom of my list. But my Father in heaven knows me so well that he giving me something that I have never expected. Though my earthly father has left my family, as what Jeanette had shared in her blog, the heavenly father said taht He would like to be my father.

Even after i went for mass, I was still not so convinced, because Father Gerard was saying about cars .. that we should not be asking things like new car, new home blah blah .. i like opps ... so i was still struggling with it. It was when I was in the adoration, i ask God to confirm with me one more time. And He did, He spoke through Raymond Tan. After I shared my story, He said that this could be a way of evangelization as I drive this car around. It is only when we seek the kingdom of God then everything will be given unto you. And guess what ... as he was sharing that message ... something hit me ... in that very gospel that was read this morning came to me as something that it linked to Luke 11:9 - 13:

"And I tell you, ask and you will receive; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives; and the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opene. What father among you would hand his son a snake when he asks for a fish? Or hand him a scorpion when he asks for an egg? if you then, who are wicked, know how to give a good gifts to children, how much more will the Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to thos who ask him?"

Never did i knew that that same passage was actually linked to one of my favorite hymn ... Seek ye first the Kingdom of God .. this was the song that the left for me 8 years ago when my father separated from my mother. It was at that time, my first time when i met my father after i heard the news. Some of you might remember the story. For those who have not heard, here's the story. I remembered i was crying a lot when i heard that my father is leaving the family and that he has another family of his own. It was very heartbroken for me. At that time, i was working part time in Middle Road which is near Bugis Junction - it was in April 2000. Before i went to see my father, i was in the toilet praying in tongues asking the Lord to speak through me as i meet him. Just imagine, i was meeting him up in the restaurant, and then all of a sudden as i was talking to him ... Seek ye first the kingdom of God sonng was played. During that time, that song kept coming to me la. And the moment when i needed God most, God was there for me with that song asking me to seek his kingdom before anything else.

As my father left me, so does the Heavenly Father became more and more real in my life especially in the last 8 months since my opertions. I became more aware of my sonship with Him. And that I needed the Heavenly Father more than anything else and that He is truly the Perfect and Loving Father in my life.

So when we seek Him first, He will add things that you least expect ... and true enough i did not expect much and my dearest daddy is giving me something much more than what i expected ... praise be to God ..

It was so ironic tat, Father Robert Fabricy, the same priest who would be coming to Singapore next weekend at the Pentecost Sunday in Holy Spirit Church, prophesied something 7 years ago that there was a boy who is angry with his father and I broke down very badly because deep inside me i knew the Lord was talking about me .... for those who could remember, it was held in Habour Pavilion. If i am not wrong, it was a healing rally back then. How wonderful it is that we are celebrating Pentecost Sunday next week and the same passage up there spoke to me ... in Luke that ask for the Holy Spirit and it will be given to you .. Praise be to God!!!

With Love,
Your brother in Christ,
Colin Sng

Broken Dreams

every family has its own problems.

i remember a few years ago, i was very upset about some imperfections in my family, and i shared with one of you and that was what that person told me, and though it seems quite a pessimistic statement, it gave me comfort, in a way, to know that i'm not facing this alone.

this mother's day was quite a dramatic one, i was just having this internal struggle for most part of last week, about how irritating my sisters were, again, about how so many people have been telling me to change my sister's image, cos she looked like a guy, and about how reading her blog gave me so much uneasiness but i just couldn't just go up to her and talk to her about it. then there was the worry about my other sister just staying home whole day and really just not doing anything, and she doesnt think that there's anything wrong with not doing anything useful at all for the past 5-6 months. ya.. dunno how she does it too la. worrying about how she might not wanna face people, still having that shyness of a little kid when made to buy food or just not having enough social skills.

then my mum keeps worrying me about her health, and when i advise her on things she should do, like food to avoid etc, she'd sometimes snap at me, but when she's really worried or not feeling well, she'd appear so helpless. for all my life, i've been looking up to my parents for being sure and confident of what to do, especially in a situation when i don't know what to do, i'd look to them for solutions, so much so that i couldn't tolerate that helplessness she felt. like hello you're supposed to know more than me, if you're helpless how do you expect me to help you? but i realise that i'm no longer a young child who is dependent on her parents to help her out in situations, now responsibilities are slowly being added onto my shoulders as well. maybe it's just the feeling of all that becomes very overwhelming and somewhat suffocating the past week.

so i was supposed to go out with my cousin after session on sunday, but she msged me in the morning saying her dad ran away, so she had to stay with her mum to console her. and i was very shocked at the news la! n suddenly all my own grouses about my family appeared so so small, and im really just glad that my family is together. and i knew my cousin was angry with her dad, and with everything that happened, and i could tell her to reconcile and forgive. its so easy to say, but when small little things that irritate me, or get to me, it's so hard for me to let go too. but thank God, my uncle came back so hopefully things are better now.

everytime i pray i have to really really remind myself to stop worrying and trust. haha, then yesterday at the great bible adventure (eh, it's really quite inspiring, if you're free can go! 8-9pm on monday nights in our room!), talked about how abraham really trusted God even when God asked him to offer Isaac as a sacrifice. It really made me reflect on how much i trust God with the big and small things in my life. and then i saw a bookmark in my bible, it read,

Broken Dreams

As children bring their broken toys with tears for us to mend,

I brought my broken dreams to God because He was my friend.

But then instead of leaving Him in peace to work alone,

I hung around and tried to help with ways that were my own.

At last, I snatched them back and cried,

"How could you be so slow?"

"My child," He said,

"What could I do? You never did let go."

so yup, that was really a very clear message for me to 'cast my cares on Him'. and stop worrying! hahaha.

anyway, im having my preceptorship now, and cos i am attached to watsons, and it's retail, i was supposed to work shifts BUT!! my preceptor is SO SO NICE he cancelled the afternoon shift! so i can go for dance aND the bible great adventure AND ascension day mass at 8 with everyone else! YAY. i almost had to go for the 630am one la!!! thank God!

children, revolution of tmr

this morning i was getting ready for tmr Acts of Apostles lesson, reading the book of ACTS. I went to town in the afternoon to get my MAC and handphone repaired. Borders was having a 3 for the price of 2 sales today! how can I not go see the books, so i spent the afternoon at Borders.

I chanced upon this book-'knowing your roots', a case study of how our ancestors will have an effect on us. The study was done on Oprah Winfrey.

The book started off with Oprah sharing about her life. It is that sort of deep sharing that we have faithfully done all this while (praise Lord!)
If you have the time, do read up about her, she is in Times 100 important people of the year by the way. She was sexually abused at age of 9-14, she kept thinking that it is her fault till the age of 40, and cos of brokenness in her, she was suicidal during her teenage years. But God being God, placed people in her life, made good her circumstances, for her to become Union president during her high school(despite her having a baby before), to become a good student, God had great plans for her, she didn't fail in listening to the calling, and today, she is paving the way for the youths of African American.

A Bit Of History-
African Americans lead a tough life. Being slaves since of start of Queen Victoria Time-time when colonization of the world by European Powers started taking place, History of slaves, African Americans were separated from their family members and friends, reason being the Europeans wanted to prevent unity which will bring about riots. In the process of hardship, poor living standards, many African American died nameless, their roots uprooted. IF an African American of today is to proclaim that he has no slave as an ancestor, he will be lying. As their ancestors were slaves, many of them are looked down by the Whites evern till today. More importantly, many African Americans do not see their worth, not knowing about their roots, how many tried to put right the African Americans' lives, some are ashamed by their past, many choose to ignore the past, creating a new identity of Hip Hop black music. This resulted in violence, mistrust in America, the broken generation of today.


A good show to watch will be 'Crash' which depicts the situation of coloured people in America society.

If you look into history, many blacks have portrayed courageous behavior, fighting against poverty, slavery, for the rights of the people. many died in the process.
Oprah Winfrey's dad told her this when she was unmotivated to study during her teens," Do you know how many lives were sacrificed, how many people died for you to be here today. Your crown was paid for by someone else."

Wow! Something struck me when i read this statement. During JYC, someone said that we are all VIPS, all of us from different nations who were there for the retreat are VIPS, wearing invisible suits and coats. I remembered jean and I were awed by this statement. Jesus paid the price for us to be here today, to be part of a catholic family, we are prince and princesses wearing a Crown paid for by Jesus.

If a child, school, society is made known about how valuable each of their lives is, the people who have fought and died for their future, how their ancestors have fought for a better tomorrow for generations to come, the trauma these heros and heroines went through in the process, who will claim that he is not proud of his roots. who will not become confident secured individuals, and live a dignified life.

Oprah Winfrey used to lock herself in the toilet before the show, reciting the names of her ancestors, she claims that she will always come out of the toilet feeling more confident, as if there were many supporters behind her. Knowing her ancestors make her feel confident, secure, a sense of peace. That is because she could relate to her ancestors, she know the hardship, the bravery, the determination and faith they had for generations, for her to be where she is today, which give bountiful confidence!

It made me think of my prayer to Jesus, Mary and saints in times of needs. As i get to know the Lord's teaching and know more and more about who he is, it becomes easier to relate to the Father. Together with history of Salvation, as time passes,my prayer gives me more and more peace, with peace will be love, faith, confidence, all come in the package. ( taken from JYC booklet on shopping at a supermarket).

My discovery of Oprah's life gave me new promptings- Will knowing the history of martyrs, saints increase our faith? that is a definite yes. today's reading on

St. Matthias faithfully followed Jesus throughout His public ministry (Acts 1:21-22), answered God's call, and the anointing of the Holy Spirit fell upon him.


made me think of my patron saint-Stephen, the first Martyr, the angel faced, who before his death cried to the Father for forgiveness of man for what they did to him. Late John Paul, how he refused to step down even though he was struggling with death, how he told a cardinal that if Jesus did not get off the cross, why should I. and all the other saints- the price they paid, their sacrifice made for us to be here, to be apostles of today

I am so Awed!!! I wish to paint a picture, a glorious imagination into the lives, feelings of Stephen, Paul, Simon, James, John, Andrew, Philip, Matthew, Thomas, james, Thaddaeus, Bartholomew and so so many more, i want to know more about all our glorious ancestors who have paved the way for the catholic church. Indeed the church, we have came a long way. History is living lessons which gives our roots, which define who we are now and in future! We are the apostles of today, the responsibility is now in our hands, which reminds me of the promise, the prayer the Serangoon district had at JYC, our pact to not forget our time at JYC, our promise to pass the small spark and not let the flame die out, to be part of the covenant which will spread the faith through Asia!

We ought to know more about apostles. I am so so looking forward to the lesson on ACTS tmr!



Steven

thank you steven!

i wanted to pull a suzy sticks and put all this on the tagboard but too long lar! haha. welcome back by the way, suzy q! you have so many names!

anyway, steven, thank you for that beautiful sharing. yes, it was nothing short of beautiful. and when i read it, i immediately thought of one thing. god's promise of how when one seeks him with all his heart, seeks truth with all his heart, one is sure to find him. and god keeps his promises. i couldn't recall the verse from the bible but thanks to google, i found these 3 which i think really relate to your experience. steven, you were strong and courageous. you didn't give in and you didn't give up! you have searched for so long and you have found and now you seek him in everything and the more you are doing that, the more he is restoring peace within you! isn't that beautiful? yesterday's gospel talked about the peace which jesus gives us that surpasses all understanding and your experience is a testimony of his promises made manifest in you as said in the following verses! so thank you for your "yes" to god and thank you for sharing.

Jeremiah 29:13, “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” (NIV)

Philippians 4:6-7, “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” (NLT)

Joshua 1:9, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” (NIV)

and thanks for sharing about your isolation, the role of suffering in this process and how you learnt to be at peace with it. you know, as the days pass, i'm getting more and more scared of going to new zealand alone. i'm scared i'll get lonely and depressed! i'm scared i'll miss home too much! i'm worried about reno (my dog) and my grandma. i know i'm gonna miss a big part of our msc formation programme. i don't know what i'm going to do about my internship. sometimes, i don't know whether i made the right decision. i know i was so sure before. but like you steven, i wonder how i'll feel when i board the plane and finally leave singapore with just me, myself and i. i think i've never really shared with the community my experience when i travelled last year, about how the moment i took off from changi airport, squashed between 2 strangers in the air last year, i felt god telling me that even up there in the sky, away from everyone i loved, he was with me. and how for the whole 3 and a half to 4 months after that, i always knew he was there.

brothers and sisters, let us not grow soft in faith and perseverance! as for me, i really want to take my faith to a deeper level but i lack commitment and discipline. i thought about the notion of living a transformed life. if i really was transformed, it should seep into every area of my life! and i know the reason is because i am not making a whole-hearted effort. please pray for me and i give you permission to keep me accountable! i only have one and a half months left in singapore and i actually wanted to journey with a spiritual director but, how like that? any advice?

told you this would be too long to put on the tagboard. all else said and done, san sern pra jaao indeed!

love,
shireen

Hi peeps!!

It has been a long time since i last blogged.
I praised God for Jesus Youth Conference, whole 4 days surrendered completely in his hands, nth to worry about, nth to attend to, its really during this period of time, that i understand the amount of harvest I receive if I place everything in our Lord's hands.

The following sharing you gonna receive is my reflection during these 2 weeks abroad.

Since young, i had an issue with religion cos i had this perception that if there was really a god, why will there be suffering in this world?

I took a step into faith last yr after my accident, reason being that i was convinced that there was something missing in my life.

So what was that something missing? that something missing was what many people out there have been trying to find, the basic question we always tend to ask ourselves- who am I?

During the Jesus Youth Conference, there was a session on Inner Healing. My first reaction to Inner healing was," how do I go about doing it if I don't know how?

I never felt that I had anything within to be healed till that day.




I praise Lord for the open heart, the brave characters of individuals who opened up to us "strangers" with their sharing. All of them look so normal, smart, full of courage and achievements, but yet there were still periods of rough times in their lives. Their deep sharing into a perceived normal life really helped me in looking into my so called 'perfect' life, it helped me to look beyond the surface into what really happened which make me want to surrender my life into god's hands today.

I was brought up in family which seems perfect, steady income, parents do not quarrel, brother was a good role model to me, I was able to breeze through my exams. However peaceful as it seems, i was feeling lonely within. My bro was never home, he was always busy with girlfriends and training. I could never relate to my father, cos he always disagree with what I do- no soccer, no basketball, even running was bad! In his eyes a perfect son will be one who stays home to study. He will only be there to share my glory, and will only reprimand me for my sorrows. As I know that i will never get his approval, I never tell him what I do in school, he doesn't know a single thing bout the things i go through.

My mom is the only person I am close to, she was a party animal before she knew my dad, so she never fail to secretly(behind my dad)ask me to socialize more, attend more parties, she will never fail to ask why I am studying so hard during weekends cool mom, I agree. But somehow, no matter how close a guy is to a mom, there are some things you just don't know how to ask her for advice. I always felt i lack a male figure to relate to in the family.

My family was never there during any of my race, never there during any of my performance, I guess seeing your friends' parents there to support their child, being young, I felt bitter and lack of love inside.

As i grew up, the emptiness became more and more. I was sad, people always say that on surface I look very happy, but was actually very broken inside. I never see it as a issue as I used to determine my happiness in life with the amount of achievements i have as compared with my friends.

Thus, pride became a food to the emptiness. I was feeding my pride all this while. Pride being the greatest sin, built a barrier between me and God. As i achieve more and more, I became more and more confident that i can solve everything with my hands.

No doubt, I was master of trades, but was never able to relate well to friends. Being brought up solely by my mom, I make a perfect girl seriously ( as what my friends used to tell me). I knew how to cook, how to nurse wounds, and spend more time taking care of my hair, face, body than gals. Contrary to guys, I was bad in directions, Had cylo motor problems.

Since young, I never accepted myself for who I am as my friends will always "suan" me about it.

I had this group of close friends during JC, the 4 of us were super closely knitted, you know they always say that a person is usually define by the people he mix with, this group of friends, to think of it, I wonder why i was close to them as they will use every opportunity to "suan" me about my quirks till I had to become a completely different person when I am with them. This suaning process created an emotional turmoil within. And the issue of trying to get accepted since young was haunting me again.

Then one day, I decided to put a stop to the friendship, to put a stop in the lonliness within, to find out who i really am, a burning question since young. Which is the primary reason why I wanted to go on a backpacking trip alone, to be distant from the world, to know what I really want in life.

During the healing session at the conference, I came to terms with my brokenness within. More importantly, to accept the healing of God and know what is really important to me!

It was really pride which mystified my perception. Pride which make me want to achieve what the world wants from me. Pride which cause me to feel empty within end of it all. Pride which made me distant from God.

The conference was a start of healing, gave me the zest, the willingness to put god in perspective in everything I do, to do the Lord’s work. My lens of the world was finally cleaned. My real test of the teachings, testimonies and the yearning to lead a changed life during the conference came when jean and ray left for Singapore, and I was left alone in a troubled nation. After being cheated by a cabbie after they left, I became frustrated, felt like crying at times, asking myself why I did not take a plane back with them.. It really became a test of faith. Not knowing why, I started reading the bible. I was thinking if I will to be kidnapped, sold to be a slave, then die at this instant, I wanted to feel peaceful within. So I took it out , read it slowly without any time constraint at Benti Srei, this place in Ang Kor Wat. I spent hours and hours in a temple reading the bible. Then I started reading after my first breath in the morning and b4 I sleep. Then it became a conscious effort to relate everything to Lord’s teaching. During the trip when I chance on something which tug my heartstring, especially the killing fields, and the school where the torture took place, I will read the bible, hoping to seek an answer to why men are so cruel, why it happened, where God in this. The burning question I always wanted an answer to in this world of sufferings! And really really was through God’s grace, with the help of Jude, I found the answer! I felt a peace to come to terms with men’s suffering and God. I can’t explain it! You can agree with theory to this much, but to fully accept it, its really experiencing the sufferings first hand and come to terms with theory of God’s plan.
It made me realize how little strength I have, how vulnerable man is, how we all need God in our lives!



After one encounter which answered a burning question within, it became a growing habit to relate everything to God with everything I encountered during the trip.and soon, i began relating him to every simple decision I made. I got the Bible Obsession Infection!

Reading through my journals during the start of my journey to Thailand and ending at Cambodia,
I was awed by how my perception, how my ideas were defined in 2 weeks

Finally I found the answer I was looking for all these while
All the emptiness within
I found an answer

Trying to find who I really am all these years,
I was actually trying to fill the hollowness in my heart
I was actually trying to find God all these years

And he showed me a glimpse of who he was during my plunge into the unknown.

I never felt this joy before.
Unexplainable
I am not afraid of my size, my face, or afraid to smile anymore
And I no longer have toseek who I really am!
Cos it does not matter anymore
I am so excited to just know more about hiM!!
I just really want to be just a child of God

Steven

praise you in this storm

i know i know. which song am i gonna quote next right?

i read colin's post for the second or third time and as i read it today, something (not so) new struck me. my attitude in contrast with colin's and many other men and women of faith. this hit me as i was reflecting on the mathematics of god, on the phrase "you give and take away" which kickstarted my previous post. this was further augmented by the scenes which greeted me as i finally watched singapore gaga (a local movie) on dvd yesterday.

there was a scene in this movie about a wheelchair-bound tissue-seller outside simei mrt station. i'm not sure whether she's still there now. this lady looks a bit odd and belts out her own songs the whole day, inviting passerbys to buy her tissue paper. and when she's tired or bored of her songs or just wants to pass time, she sings hymms in her own language about and to jesus, about how she's happy because jesus is with her. and when she's interviewed, one can't help but admire how lovable and cheerful she is. but what struck me even more is how she could still put her faith in god, knowing that he would surely provide. she said so herself. she said that somehow, god just provides and she's happy. later on in the interview, she talks about her jesus and how he loves her and asks the interviewer, who also happens to be the director, whether she'd like to listen to one of her christian hymms and whether she's christian. the director says she is not christian and has no religion and requests for the $1-song, to which the lady replies by inviting her to try believing in jesus and then sings the $1-song. what a lady. what trust. what joy. what faith!

then, there's our brother, colin, who always seems to be bursting to share, even when he's in the pits of his life. and now, he narrates to us his own experience of salvation and we are once again in awe of god's providence and one's trust in that.

and i was also re-reading my post. and then i saw something i typed.

how could i even lift my hands to the sky to praise god knowing he had given and taken away, so many times? but that was what he gave me, the grace to say, "god, your plans are better than mine, and so i praise you."

and then, i was at the last cell blog, listening to praise you in this storm. and i heard these lines,

as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

and i remembered what i told jeanette that night when we were united at assumption university at 3am in the morning. i didn't know what i was doing there, after all the things that happened before that, but i recalled that these lines kept playing in my head, even whilst i was walking down orchard road to school with tears seeping out from my eyes every now and then: "and though my heart is torn, i will praise you in the storm," and "when the darkness closes in lord, still i will say, blessed be your name," and "you give and take away, still my heart will choose to say, blessed be your name."

this experience is not unique to bangkok. i've experienced this more and more the past few times i've travelled, with the past seeming incomplete, with the future so uncertain, with things getting stolen and returned, with strangers guiding me, with experiences that changed my heart; what i'm saying is that (not so) strangely, i've always felt myself protected under the wing of god even more so, when i'm separated from the people i love and whom i know love me. that's one very powerful aspect of travelling for me. but this time in bangkok, in retrospect, i realised that god had indeed bestowed the grace upon me to recognise his constant, loving presence in my life during those few days when i really just had to sit back and relax.

and perhaps, all these "messages" are an invitation for me, for us, to trust more in the consistency and abundance of god, to acknowledge that he alone is our provider and he alone can take it all away any time, to put our trust not in man, but in god, and to build our foundation in him where our hearts should come to rest (home is where the heart is, right?).

love,
shireen

God is really has plenty of $$$$!!!! He is God of Providence ...

Dearest Brothers and Sisters in Christ,

i really don't know what else to say ... I am superly awed by the blessings that God has poured upon me over the past few weeks and that the moment we place our trust in Him, He will really take care of our needs!!!

Before i continue to share our great Divine Providence, I would like to share something that i taken me a back and look further on God's Plan of Salvation in my life once again.

I only realised it when I met up with someone for lunch in Science. And I was sharing with her quite a lot of stuff and then she says it's good that you can count your blessings ... and likewise she's also been counting her blessings ... It was then dawn upon me that actually i have been counting my blessing not even realising it.

I remembered about two to three years ago, Celine Lee kept asking me to count my blessings and I was like ... huh? WHat blessings do i have ... only pains and suffering - parents divorced, father left me, kidney failure ... But as i look back from the time i was being operated till today, i began to see that God has been forming and healing me more and more .. and to see how precious a son I am to Him. I also remembered when Celine wrote me an email, about 3 years back, (when she was in ICPE - New Zealand) ... she shared about the goodness of our Heavenly Father .. i was like ... huh? ... Who the hell is this Father .. i could not even relate to Him ... i don't know who is He? But today, I am glad and I really want to praise God that I am able to relate to Him much much more .. and indeed He is a the Perfect and Loving Father. I have never used that word in my life before and i really thank God i am able to relate to Him much much more .. That God our Father is a Perfect Father for He knows what is really best for us ... He knows our needs so much more than we know ourself ... as such He can be trusted much more than our earthly father.

I really thank God for paving me the path of healing me more and more each day of my life despite the struggles and difficulties ... But i have to me the path to healing is not easy as i had to face many truths in my life and to embrace it more and more. I realised that I am able to count the many blessings in my life much much more. Praise be to God!!! My dearest daddy, thank you for healing my image of you ... as you are a Perfect and Loving Father... Thank you daddy ... you are such a wonderful daddy ... I love you so greatly ...

The God of Providence ... here's my story of our Divine Providence ...

Well, Brothers and Sisters in Christ, as you have heard my super long thesis of submission of a blank piece of paper to God ... I really thank God for even given me the grace to have that faith to submit that blank piece of paper and then eventually a cheque (my 1st Instalment for my bachelor's course). That very afternoon, i received an email from my Godfather that he would like to pay for my entire course ... and what's more he was like even asking me to go and pick up driving and then he would like to get me a car!!!! That's really incredible lah ... it's really way beyond my imagination and dream la ...

But guess what .. i decided not to accept them not because of pride but because i wanted to discipline myself so that i would more motivated to study whilst paying for myself otherwise i will take for granted. And then, as for the car thing, I don't even have the time to learn driving ... and i guess i am not ready .. so perhaps, i will learn it later after i graduate which i told Constance when she passed her driving .. and that's not a need anyway... so i guess i will leave it .. i guess my priority now is to work and to complete my studies in the next 3.5 years.

Oh ya, with regards to the MDIS course... well, immediately after i paid for my course ... i went to buy some books ... and all these books i am buying are free ... thanks be to God ... thanks to IMRE - now able to claim for them (part of my flexi-benefits).... oh ya, btw, remembered what i shared about the medical claim ... well, i am able to claim them back as well (at least for my monthly consultation and blood test ... the rest is still pending for approval) (oh ya ... don't forget most companies don't allow claim backs for chronic illnesses.. but i can claim them back ... praise be to God!!!

Last but not least, I have been wanting to get the Community to help out since the last four weeks but a lot of people has not been turning up so it was really quite difficult to get the donations ... so in the end, i gave it up and wrote back to the person in charge that it was quite difficult as we going through some changes and i ended off by telling her that the Lord will provide so not to worry. Then this morning, she replied me and told me not to worry and that God willprovide... Guess what ... true enough God provided ... My Godfather is going to transfer S$1,500 to my account so that i could send it to her!!! God is really generous is giving money to the needy ... hence, Lighthouse Community is going to receive money for Jolthird for his studies ... Praise be to God ... and Of course, for those who are still able to donate .. please do let me know .. I will make the transfer next week...

Brothers and Sisters, if it's really God's Will for you to pursue something in your life .. through effort in prayer and discernment .. trust that God has already given you that desire. If you have difficulty financially, trust that He will definitely provide you much more than what you can ever imagine.

Praise and Thanks be to God!!!

With Love,
Your brother in Christ,
Colin Sng

you give and take away

lets face it. life is full of uncertainties. i look back over the last few weeks and i just want to laugh. at the folly of my mistakes, at the paradox of life, at the whole irony of the situations i've been in. i think about the words, "you give and take away," and i can't help but think that it totally rings true. but then, ungratefulness turns into awe as i begin to realise that you take away and give as well. and that ultimately, you are always giving.

i was sharing with jeevan (my youngest brother) about the incredibly stupid and costly mistake i made last night. one month ago, i booked 2 tickets to the phantom of the opera for last night's (sunday) show. the 6th of may finally arrived and i was so excited. i have watched phantom before but i knew mervin wanted to watch it and i wanted to make it a wonderful experience for him. yesterday, before driving him there, i blindfolded him with a bright blue punjabi suit scarf (it was the alternative to making him wear goggles with black paper covering the lens) and i plugged in these really huge earphones (the kind djs wear) to his mp3 player and drove him to the esplanade. then, he refused to wear all that rubbish outside the car so i made him promise to close his eyes. but the bell started ringing and we had to run so he opened his eyes and found out that we were running into the concert hall to watch phantom. as the usher was about to lead us to our seat, he suddenly turned around and said, "this is for the matinee show. it was this afternoon."

i know. i can't believe it too. i was holding on to the tickets for one month. i don't know why i didn't check. i really really believed that i had booked the correct date but i guess in my haste i must've have booked wrongly. well, they still put us in a soundproof room with a glass window so we could watch the show with music streamed into one speaker. it felt like we were watching a movie. i felt really really stupid.

so as i was saying, i was sharing this story with jeevan. and i told him about the internship story as well. imagine getting a job the day before and then going in on your first day, all made-up and in the morning peak-hour crowd on the train and then, getting a call to go home cos they had to "review my case". it was most dramatic and part of me wanted to laugh and another part of me was in turmoil. the problem was that on the day that i had gotten the internship (after a gruelling second interview with a french chef who was everything i expected him to be), i had gone to school after that to settle exchange stuff and found that i had to be in new zealand way earlier than i thought. i immediately called up the HR girl and told her the situation. and she told me to come in on friday anyway even though initially it wasn't in the plan. so at the very last minute, i had to get someone to replace me for pnw at ijtp (thanks merrill! if you ever read this). somehow everything was screaming "no!" about this internship but i couldn't trust in abundance any longer. by hook or by crook i needed an internship. and then, that thing happened on friday. and by friday night, i was flying off to bangkok, having NO clue what the jesus youth conference was gonna be like and why i had even signed up and what abt my internship??

but god had/has better plans for me. who would've thought assumption university would be so beautiful and clean and just perfect? and how is it that when i was there i was able to really "be here now"? and how come i was able to share so deeply and be loved by people who were just strangers moments before? how could i even lift my hands to the sky to praise god knowing he had given and taken away, so many times? but that was what he gave me, the grace to say, "god, your plans are better than mine, and so i praise you."

of course when i got back, i was on fire for two days or slightly more. and then, my weaknesses and struggles came back to pull me down. is it pms? i don't know haha. how this shireen stray ar! talking about talking to jeevan then suddenly stray to conference etc. so i was sharing with jeevan and he asked me whether i cried. and yes, i cried last night and yes, i cried before i left for bangkok. and he told me that i couldn't keep crying every time these things happened. i tried to justify myself. but you know what jeevan? you're right. why do i let these things trouble me so much? why do i take myself so seriously? why do i not trust in god, who is a god of abundance, who is the god in my times of uncertainties, who has constantly loved me and sheltered me under his wing my whole life (there are so many experiences which testify to this!)? these tears only wring me dry and tire me out and leave me feeling drained and tired when i wake up the next day.

and then i read the reflections for tomorrow's readings by terry a. modica. i asume terry is a female. she talks about the gift of peace that jesus gives us and how it reigns in times of trouble and uncertainty. it hit close to home and terry has an ability to make scripture easy to digest and relevant so, if you've managed to reach this part of my looooooooooooong post (i think i haven't beat colin yet), then read on!

"The legacy that Jesus left behind -- his gift to us, which he explained in today's Gospel passage -- is peace. True and lasting peace. A peace that calms troubled hearts. A peace that drives away our fears. A peace that is heaven on earth.

If we accept this gift of peace, we have to trust God no matter what's going on around us. We cannot trust our own interpretation of what's best for us and how our problems should be solved. We have to trust in God's wisdom and never-ending love. But we turn away from the gift if we take our eyes off of Jesus. Remaining in constant communication with him will keep us securely in his peaceful embrace.

Failure to trust God results in fear and troubled hearts, because fear always lies to us. Remember it this way: F.E.A.R. = False Evidence Appearing Real. To regain the peace that Jesus has given you, first identify the lies that your fears have been saying. Then ask the Holy Spirit to reveal to you what the truth is. Listen carefully. If you need help discerning his voice, talk to a spiritual director or a prayerful Christian friend. Once it becomes audible, trust in that truth. And act upon it.

What gift do you want most from Jesus today? If you have his peace, everything else you want will either follow automatically, in God's perfect timing, or they will no longer be necessary."

seek ye first the kingdom of god, right? may the peace of god reign in all our hearts and amongst us. god bless! praise god always!

love,
shireen

I was wondering . . .. . . .

It has been a long long time i have not blogged ever since the exams have started and when everything i am doing seems to be taking up my time and it is the best excuse that I would give myself. What i do is more important than anything else that comes along. Actually wanted to blog after my papers on Sat but i didnt know what to write and what to reflect on..... Logged in but nothing flow thro my mind. I guess the sense of lost suddenly sets in. the things around me seems to stand still for the time being and it seems like winter where things are slow and gloomy. What then is sunny? what then is fast? being very deverstated by my sat paper which is my physics and also the rest of e modules that I have done throughout the past week. I was really lost of words to describe my feeling and i dont know where to pick myself up. I could still remember when pple asked me where am i going after the physics paper has been collected, i told them i am looking for a building that is tall enough for me to jump... am i joking?? i guess i am . the instant reaction is that i have done very badly and i am sure to fail and has to repeat the modules. Will i fail? i dont know... then the question of what am i basing my life on, on my results? on my success? where is God in all these?? am i a person of faith n trust? at that point i guess i was just overwhelmed by my 'own' problems. i guess feeling so helpless, te only person i can turn to is our Lord. then i decided to attend novena. that short period of time there with Christ n our blessed lady had been one that is comforting. It is so great to be there to thank the Lord for all his blessings he has bestowed on me throughout my study time and protecting all my friends we are also studying n my love ones at him. At that instant, i was taken away from my sorrow and given the grace to be grateful for all that He has done for me n will still continue to lead me through life. (there is still doubt-i guess i just have to trust) Evening came, i went for mass at CTK with Kendrick and i got home something very powerful was that our PRIMARY Vocation is to LOVE and to have LIVE in all that we do. Am i having love n life?? I do not have an answer to this question yet.

Usually, once i finished my exams, the following monday, i will go and work but this time round, i decided to take a break for a week and to settle down n hopefully to find myself admist all my "plans" and "agenda". Sometimes being alone, and taking time off to reflect about things help one to be aware of oneself. It is a on going process of growing. So far, this break, i have not gotten any big revelation but rather little from here and there. I went to visit Fr fossion on Monday and then to holy spirit for mass. For those of u who do not know who Fr Fossion is, he is now the oldest priest in Sinagpore and our parish (SFX) ex assistant parish priest. He is 94 this year and will be celebraing his 70th year as a priest this coming 2nd August and he is currently residing at the formerly known "Little Sister of the Poor" at Thomson. There will be a celebration and it will be held at Holy Spirit Church. Visiting him has been one of great encounter and his life reflects who God is to him. As usual, he still utters "stupid" when u see him, hahahah.. it is so funny and it brings back alot of memories when he is back at SFX.. "NEVERMIND" and "KYBMS" still stuck on his wall. it struck me so hard that he is still so prayerful and his mind is still centered on the mission of the church and providing for the pple that are less fortunate. One thing he said to me n valerie " WHAT for we cling on to money, use the money to help the people to build churches, orphangages & schools" A man that is so old yet still on fire for God.. Am i able to do it....

After that at mass, once again it is so resounding in my heart, Fr Andrew shared this story that there is this Little Indians family. One day, the grandson asked his grandpa, what will you do when someone do something bad to you? (actually i could not remember the front part of the story, it was the later part the struck me)The grandpa answered him " in our hearts, we have 2 dogs, one is filled with anger, frustration and revenge. while the other one is filled with love, peace n joy." the grandson then asked " Who will Win?" Grandpa answered " The dog that you feed will win" I was like wooooowwwwwwwww....... it is so profound..(maybe all of you canthink about it)

May 1st came, met up with a few pple and in the conversation it calls for me to ask myself what is my relationship with God. Does it mean that i serve in ministry and atend masses frequently means that i have a r/s with God? I realised that at this point it is such that i might not be convinced by what i am doing but rather i am doing all this out of routine, just like how a married husband will go home for dinner to join his family but not convinced by what he is doing (analogy was shared by sam)... thus, this call for faithfullness in our r/s with God or in that case, in a marreid life or in any vocation in our lives, where we will grow tired in our daily routine... I seriously have to pray and think about it....

I have alot more thoughts in my mind but i guess i will stop here and i will share again.....

Ken