Barrier and Grace

oh my gosh people! here i come.. haha, great to see so many heart-warming posts.

first, thanks cons for setting this up and kenny, cons and steve for writing. i'm quite inspired to write.

me, the st teresa retreat has been good for me. esp the session input by jonathan pillai. he's good, so like jude's pattern haha. he spoke about how our relationship with God is reflective of our relationship with esp our fathers, or the other way round. i know of this fact a long time ago, but it never struck me so hard like in the session. i always felt very confident of God's compassionate mercy, seldom doubt about how He would so readily and easily forgive. but yet i feel a great distance from Him. and that is exactly how i feel about my dad. he's a wonderful, fantastic, super-self-sacrificial father. exactly like how God is, if God were to appear in person, he would look something like my father. but there is a great emotional distance between us. and that's how i feel with God. somehow i feel there's a great wall or barrier that i cannot break down. feels beyond my ability to knock down this wall. it's an obstacle to a deeper and more intimate relationship with God.

this morning when i woke up, being the week of the march holidays, i dun need to go school... yay... but i didn't know whether to go school to do work or to stay home to do work, or to stay home and slack.. then somehow i asked God what He wanted me to do. and i realized i haven't done that for a long time - asking God what to do. i rem how i used to seek His Will so much in every single tiniest thing, like should i sleep late during the holidays, should i go swimming during my free time, should i send a msg to a fren, should i go up to that fren to say hi, etc... but over the past one year, i have either stopped doing that or i have done less of that, and that increases that barrier and distance from God. bad. but i'm glad that i asked Him this morning. it really struck me that i have been wrong in wanting to make decisions myself without seeking the Holy Spirit. and i shall try to seek Him again in the smallest of things. because the world sees seeking God in every small thing, as weakness and incapability, as though we are not capable of making decisions ourselves. but that is not true. seeking the Holy Spirit in the tiniest things, helps me grow closer and strengthens my relationship with God. also because i stopped consulting the Holy Spirit, i have stopped asking for grace and strength to do the tiniest things, like completing an assignment or sitting down at the computer to do a lesson plan, thinking that everything depends on me. i became more spiritually arrogant which is opposite of humility. humility leads to gratitude, which leads to service. i have been wrong and i hope to change things around.... OOPS i mean i should be saying, i hope to ask for the grace and strength to change.

yup that's me for now. so when i asked God what to do for today, He didn't give me an answer. but here am i blogging, which i never planned to do if i were to make the decision on my own. praise You O God.

eeever-lynn