Birthday Sharing

Hi Friends,

Just before it turned 1st April 2007, I would like to take this opportunity to thank all of you for celebrating my birthday today... and thank Constance for writing such beautiful poem for me ... that really reminds me of my 21st Birthday four years ago when Evelyn composed a song for me ...

I would like to use this opportunity to share some of my deepest thoughts that went through my mind over the last two years and i would like to be open and honest about it.

In any case, though i am 25 today about 12 hours ago (btw, i am born at 1155 am) i have come to be more convinced that i am really still young though, after looking back on my 25 years of my life, going through so much ups and downs, i realise that there is so much ahead of us ... read on of my blogs about being 25 ... This is especially so whenever i go for men to men session, i felt so young among them.

In anyway, birtday for me is something very special and this is especially so for this year as i recall the gift of life. The fact that i live today is completely and totally God's grace. I remembered once telling my father that i might not live long because of my condition. In fact, I remembered even my doctor telling me that if i don't do anything about my condition... i will just snap... and go .. There was even a particular point in my life when i had to discern whether it would be appropriate for me to even go for my operation. I was going through so much fear at that point in time ... it was haunting me very badly and moreover, thinking that i would die if i were to go for the op.

Anyway ... thanks for listenig ... take care and God bless!!

With Love,
Your brother in Christ,
Colin Sng

fools!

i just visited the last cell blog and i was really happy reading it this saturday morning. keep it up guys! =)

so last night, there we were in this noisy little macs in gardens, talking, sharing, praying, and i thought, we must have looked like fools! but then i also thought, wow, how beautiful this is!

a few days ago, 2 people told me the same thing in less than 24 hours. as i read/listened to what they had to say, i realised, it's hard to understand, yes it is. we, humans, are so small and insignificant and yet we believe that this big, almighty god loved us so much he gave us his son. how silly we are to think that god could become human. look at how huge this universe is. surely, you can't believe that...? this man called jesus, it's hard to believe that he's nothing more than just a man, a man who came to stir trouble, a man who "started some organisation"...and yet, we believe he still lives, we encounter him daily, we worship him with our lives (or try to). and again, i felt, how foolish the world thinks we are, we who cannot prove the existence of this god (or can't we?). and yet, as joshua said last night, therein lies the beauty of it all.

faith is a mysterious thing. does god need our prayers? no. does god need US? no. but god chooses us, creates us, loves us. our home is in god. yes, he is the potter of the entire universe and his fingerprints are imprinted everywhere, and our hearts are no exception. it takes more than a few well-thought out arguments to be as "foolish" as we are. or maybe less. but this is the only thing that makes sense to our hearts. that we come from god, we live for god and we go back to god.

i quote melt who quoted a woman in the oprah winfrey show (i admit i like watching it too, melt, haha).

'We are not human beings in a spiritual experience; We are spiritual beings in a human experience.'

-shireen the fool

To challenge, only with love and compassion

hey cellies (haha i saw melch using this word to address everyone, and i thot it's quite a cute way to call everyone, so i'm using it too)

first to melch: i know how you feel about being judged about going out on friday nites to drink and party and i'm sorry you feel that way, really. but if there's no one to tell you yet, let me be the first. that i really appreciate the fact that you make an effort not to have a dual life inside and outside of community, honesty and truthfulness never fails, and i'm glad you chose to stick by it no matter what people say. and i think i really see the conversion and transformation in you in your desire for God and for holiness. most important of all, i hope you will continue to believe in the love and acceptance of the community for you, cos that was what community was set out for.

to all others, perhaps we were struck by what johnathan said about challenging each other. and i agree with him, perhaps it is time we step up more in challenging one another. however i hope we will not become arrogant when challenging, becos there is a loving and right way of being challenging and there is an arrogant and condemning way to do that, we MUST be careful to deliver our message of challenge lovingly, for the good of that person, not just for the sake of challenging, because challenging for the sake of perfecting the other without compassion, can be destructive. also as we challenge, we have to be consistently loving, not a one-off harsh telling-off. becos only consistent, patient and persevering true love and compassion can change the heart of the one in need of the challenge. and the person in need of that challenge can tell the difference.

and mel i can relate to you too when you said you were thinking of leaving, but ultimately it's not about OUR choices but always about God's choice and decision. and haha i was already thinking of taking a step back from comm since my sister's confirmation (i told myself that would be the last project that i'll do for MSC), but somehow, God just keeps saying to go on and on and on.... and what u said was good reminder for me.

now for my sharing. talking about honesty. it's hard, really hard. for me, the great struggle is in my relationship. it is the place where i give the greatest yet fall the hardest. esp with a partner who has no clue what Christian chastity is, you can imagine i'm trying to do the impossible task of convincing and living up to it. and of course, more often than not, i fail. and like what Fr Gerard say, we can soon lose the sense of sin when everything becomes relative. so if everyone has the deepest darkest corner of their heart that they cannot give to God, mine will be this corner. i used to get into a lot of stressful and tormentous arguments becos of this, trying to be the perfect pharisee, but now i've grown tired of fighting it with my own efforts, and have slowly turned to God for grace and strength. now i'm just trying to surrender. this is one area of my life that i never dared shared, but perhaps we are all called to put our nets further out into the deep. and perhaps i seek to be freed from this slavery of the need to hide this part about myself.

ever-lynn

happy birthday colin!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

COLIN!!!!!!!! (:

Don't worry about that extra line
That's creeping up upon your face
It's just a part of nature's way to say
you've grown a little more
Trees have rings and thicker branches
Kids shoes get a little tighter
Every year we're getting closer
to who we're gonna be
It's time to celebrate the story
of how you've come to be

Happy Birthday, my friend
Here's to all the years we've shared together
All the fun we've had
You're such a blessing
Such a joy in my life
May the good Lord bless you
And may all your dreams come true

So light a candle on your cake
For every smile you've helped create
For every heart and every soul
you've helped to grow A little more
A few more pounds, a little more grey
Don't count the years, just count the way
It takes a little time to go from water into wine
Don't ever lose the wonder
of that child within your eyes

--

you know what?

i can totally relate to what steven has just shared.. i wouldnt call them lies though, but excuses i make just so i can leave session earlier, not go for session at all etc.. even for tmr's gathering at melch's house. i cant make it for the gathering cos im going to the airport to welcome my mum home. sometimes i wonder if this is God's plan for me to be ard more for my family or is this yet another convenient excuse i use just to avoid having to go for gathering.

dance have been quite good for me. but sometimes again i wonder if im just using dance as an excuse not to go for sharings.. etc. dun get me wrong, i like going for dance and am enjoying it. but i feel abit 'slacker' in terms of commitment towards msc. ever since i shared in the email months ago, i feel that people would just accept my reason for dance or school work more casually than before. in a sense i feel less stressed, cos i know with dance i wun be able to commit as much time as before, all those meetings, prayer times during the weekdays i wun be able to attend.. but i dunno if this is good. im feeling more and more out of touch with the comm.

i remember telling myself, and a sister who journeyed with me during the tough times when i made the decision, that i would compensate the time not spent with the community by sharing my reflections and thoughts through emails and whatever. it's kinda realised now, thank god for the blog..

ok, i think my post was quite incoherent. im just back from dance.. tired. but yea, got inspired by the posts and decided to blog too. haha.

oh!!! and guess what!!?! timothy swee's sister,trina, is in my dance group too!! and i just realised that she looked familiar only when we were asking around who was staying where so that we could go home together!! so another guy, trina and i came back together and that guy has a twin brother who is studying at the singapore bible college to become a pastor! and we were talking about calling. so ya, it was a point for reflection today.. what is God's call for me now?

can't think of a title

Ok, for once i am going to be 100% truthful

I am going thru a tough phase in my life now. At the same time, i will say i have never felt happier studying, because books are a getaway from all the pressure and 'belittlement' i am having now.

This lent has been a challenging one for me. Even as it draws to a close, i have yet to do what i promise to do during the start of Lent- that is to stop pretending

I hate it when i pretend to ppl at my school, telling lies so that i can get things to be done the way i want.My reason for it is because everyone does it too, if i don't do it, i will have to fit in other people's time which is really straining. ( i am sure all of u who have many grp projects will understand) . so i lie.

then sometimes Hall stuff get too taxing for me.. esp durin competition seasons and events, i will lie again! and it becomes an everyday thing.

MSC to me, was just like many of us have reliterated now and then, it is a place where i don't have to pretend, it is a place where i know i won't be judged.

However as i journey with the community longer and longer, I feel pressured. I feel belittled... sometimes i really wonder if it is worth it.

I have been trying to get back on my bike these couple of mths. this yr being SEA games yr,the team needs me. perhaps its out of responsibilty which catalyse me to start training again. but after so many hard trg with memories inching back into me, i realise i will not be 'me' if i stop cycling altogether. It hurts me when ppl in the community tell me not to cycle, not to go training, because serving god is more impt, i have to go for cell grp which is more impt, retreat comes first..

so i started to pretend. somehow telling the community that i have an exam next week, a project to rush is a more valid reason than training. But i knew from the start that once i start this habit, i can lie about everything else. and i really feel the damage, because i don't get anything out of sharing any longer, reason being i haven't been truthful, i felt that i have short changed the rest of you, end of the day, i am the one at the losing end.

i feel belittled at times as my ways always don't seem to be accepted, and some people seems like they always know the right way. and i am quite sure just just as some of you are reading this post right now, you will feel that " he is young, he is going thru a phase *I* have been thru b4"

The * at I was placed on purpose - the emphasis on it was deliberate. I really wanna ask," how can you be so sure that what you do is right? how can you be so sure that you know what i have been going thru? how can you be so sure that you know the whole community inside out for that matter?" If the human mind is so easy to be read by anyone else, there won't be this beautiful thing called distinct identity the lord has placed in each of us.

the steven you see in the community is really not the same person u see when i am with my other friends. i feel pressured to live a certian life style which i am not convinced of. Don't get me wrong, The lord has done many miracles in my life and he is always first, but i really have qualms about placing community before anything else other than our lord. At times i feel it is more like a social club where there are 2 kinds of people- one, ppl who have placed their whole life with god, 'choose' to have no hobbies no close outside friends, and thus want to feel a sense of security, want to feel affirmed by the community, two- ppl who place their whole life with god, don't wanna be there at time because sometimes,you just want to be alone, cos sharing is just like speaking with other friends who seem to be closer to you.'

If community living and serving god has really made you an empowered person, why do you still have emotional ups and downs? why do you need the emotional affection of someone, why do you have to be childish and let the certain someone you have issues with feel your pain, when you will give less suffering to the person just by telling him what is wrong. being with the community so long, this is how issues are solved? Is it wrong for someone to be indifferent? who are you to judge in the first place.

'I am so convinced that community is the way of life.'

every morning i pray for god's grace, for me to be more discern, for me to exp the community way of life. but at the same time, i preserve my views, don't wanna share deep details about things in my life because of the fear of judgement.

It is really hard, this desert of faith i am walking thru, when I feel confused at the end of it all. When sometimes i just want to learn more about God alone

So this is the real me, '100% free from lies; sharing... sorry if it wasn't one you were hoping that it will perk up your day.

It is times like this that i rather bury my head in the books. somehow even statistics is a good getaway from this pretentious life.


steven

His Love will Lead the Way

hello cellies,

Wow, the blog really has grown in sharings! I have to affirm everyone who has been posting because it really allows me to see how the Lord is real in your lives. I have been procrastinating posting because i have been busy and also i am allergic to blogs because i dont really like to journal. However i remember at the last retreat i told myself i should journal to keep track of my spiritual ups and downs and i guess this is a way to start.

If i had to classify my spiritual life right now, well its almost non-existent. I struggle even to pray daily for 10 mins and i must admit i didnt say the 1 our Father, 3 Hail Marys and 1 Glory Be for about 3 days out of the week so far because at 10pm i always seem to be at work still rushing out work to send before the next day.

I have been seriously reflecting when Jonathan shared about community living on Sunday about challenging each other and giving each other to question each other. I realized that im not ready for community living. In fact now, im questioning whether i am even called to community.

Now that im working, coming on Sundays is a big sacrifice because my brother only gets home on saturdays and my whole family only gets to eat 1 meal together a week. So Sundays spent with MSC means a lot of sacrifice of family time.

However what keeps me coming to community is the reason why i first came. I remember when i first came to MSC (then YW) i felt really happy that there were people who loved God as much as I did and were not afraid to show how much they loved Him whether it was in Praise and Worship or thanking Him in their sharings. I felt i didnt have to pretend to be someone else and still be accepted no matter how broken or sinful i was.

And thats what keeps me coming on Sundays. For once i dont have to pretend like i have to at work sometimes and i can just come to a place to praise God freely and be with people who accept me for who i am.

I guess thats why Jonathan's sharing scared me. I felt like all the questioning and challenging was so Judgmental. I know i would fail in many ways. And i know people always make sarcastic remarks about the way i spend money or how i go out drinking. I feel persecuted. unworthy and useless being in community sometimes because everyone thinks all im good for is spending money, i am materialistic, and some kind of party animal. It is very discouraging and honestly on more than one occassion last year i really wanted to just walk away because im seen as not a good "community member".

I shared once with some community members that i know people frown upon my lifestyle that i go out on Friday nights after work to drink with friends and apparently im some kind of party animal. However, i am not going to lie about it or pretend in front of the community that i do not engage in such activities. In fact for the record i ONLY go out on friday nights and never Saturday nights because of sessions on sundays. Most of the time i dont drink like 100 drinks and i drink very little because i have to drive. And i do enjoy my Friday nights catching up with friends and just relaxing with them.

Also, the person you see in community is the same person my friends outside see. I dont become more havoc or materialistic when im with them, im just the same Mel. My friends outside know my principles and they know where i stand and they respect that. And what hurts me sometimes is how in Community we have to "pretend" we dont have outside lives or we dont do certain things but in fact we do but we choose to hide it so as to not "contaminate" others in community. I strongly believe in consistency and i dont wear many masks. The person you see is the same person everyone else around me sees.

However, I will continue to pray (although i need to work on the prayer part too) and i remembered what Jason Lin shared with me when he called me one night. I was really struggling to make a decision and i kept listing down all the reasons and Jason just said "when will you ever realize its not about the choices you want ! Its NEVER about the choices you want to make in your life. Its about the choices He wants to make for you."

And i guess thats why im still in MSC and not somewhere else and its about His choice, not mine at all. And i think the only reason ive even come this far is solely by Grace because i know my human will would have failed me long ago.

God Bless,

Melch

so blessed i cant contain it...!

URGG! growl.. my internet connection decided to disconnect itself as i was publishing my post and so i have to retype this entry! rarr.

i was saying.. basic is quite cool!! haha.

just had a horribly horrible long week. 3 tests 1 presentation. and the worst of the week is over! (: finally.

today's the happiest day of the week so far.. this morn i received a msg from a brother in this community, just to catch up cos i haven talked to him in such a long time. so i was updating him on sch and whats going on in my life. and so you can imagine the 'stressed, very busy...' usual stuff. very sian right. but his reply was so full of joy and i could almost feel the sms radiating positive energy! haha. i can really tell this was only possible cos he puts his trust in God to lead him in every aspect of life. and it was really inspiring to hear how God was working in His life, and at that moment i realise that God was probably working in mine too, just that i wasnt paying attention to it since everyday is just like another stressful day. that simple gesture of just an sms was really an invitation from God to 'come away' from all those work i so often think of. so i prayed at that moment that He would help me be more aware of His presence in life today.

that prayer was probably the reason for the blessed assurance i felt though i was so super unprepared for today's test, and presentation. our tutor sprang a new drug prescription on my group and we had to come up and present a role play during the tutorial. but i survived. haha. and didnt even feel stressed. haa. u all know how nervous and stressed i can get whenever i have to talk in front of a large grp of people la. but she didnt even choose me to be the 'main pharmacist' for the role play so i was quite safe. just helped my group along. (:

also, really wanna thank God for my dad. he's the best dad anyone could ever have la. this morn he saw me studying and he bought macs breakfast for me. then he just brought me a drink and fruits. and im just in the room slacking and typing this! he serve me fruits after cutting them! and he does that everyday. really treats all of us like princesses la. and he always so sweet, doesnt scold and is not bad tempered, ALWAYS in a cartoon mode. he's highly amusing la! he created a folder on my laptop for his files and named it 'willy winky'! HAHA. he's probably one of the very very rare species of daddies. cos he tells me 'i love you too.' when i tell him that i love him.

i know im very very blessed. (:

looking back, i realise things that happened today was quite normal, but the feeling is different. if u know what im trying to say. its just like how sometimes the most common thing can make you awed and inspired. yup. for me, today was like that. (:

hope you all had a blessed day too!

Jesus Answers our Prayers!!! Pray Pray Pray ..

Dearest BASIC (Brothers And Sisters In Christ),

Firstly, I would like to thank Joshua for sharing with us about the BASIC ... something that is so unique and cool ... thank God for giving such wisdom to the young ones (the latest Youth Community who call themselves ... BASIC).

Oh ya ... BAISC .. please start blogging ... really miss hearing from all of you .. short or long ... at least say something in your blog man .. hahah

Anyway, I have been really really overwhelmed ... super overwhelmed by the short little time i have with the Lord each morning especially with my new office setting. The key word is 'Listening' Prayer .. and indeed I have received so much formation from the Lord Himself ... Praise be to God!!!

Well, let me share with you some of the things that has been happening over the past two days. I guess the Lord is really speaking powerfully not only to our Community but also the to people of the Archdiocesan of Singapore ... particularly to the Youths and Young Adults. I felt there are so much revival that has been taking place.. Every corner of the City of Singapore, God is raising leaders, sons and daughters, men and woman of great dreams and vision for His Kingdom. As what Jude was sharing last night, people must dare to dream and as what Prophet Joel (Acts 2:17 - 21) would put:

" 'It will come to pass in the last days,' God says, "that I will pour out a portion of my spirit upon all flesh. Yours sons and daughters shall prophesy, your young men shall see visions, your old men shall dream dreams. Indeed, upon my servants and my handmaids, I will pour out a portion of my spirit in those days, and they will prophesy. And I will work wonders in the heavens above and signs on the earth below: blood, fire, and a cloud of smok. The sun shall be turned to darkness, and the moon to blood, before the coming of the great and splendid day of the Lord, and it shall be that everyone shall be saved who call on the name of the Lord."

Anyway, let me go back to my original topic ... prayer. Well, I have been so overwhelmed over the past 1.5 months or so by so many things about prayer. Every corner of my life, people are speaking and sharing about prayer.

First - in the men's group (for 1 month plus), Edywn has giving sessions on prayer particularly listening prayer. Even during cell group meeting, our cell leader also let us experience lectio divnia and using the gift of prophecy. Just last night, Father Eugene Vaz spoke about the importance of prayer for disciples of Christ has to be Man and Woman of Prayer. In fact, the first part of his class was God answering our prayers .. and he did he does but most of the time He does not answer the way we wanted and He usually packaged it differently. All we need is to have the faith that our Loving and Perfect Father will answer us... For those who have not gone for last night session, reflect and read Luke 12:38 - 11:13 ... the whole entire thing is about prayer. Besides that, even during my prayer time yesterday morning, I had sense the Lord telling me that we need to spend more and more time together in Prayer as a Community to pray for the nominees (and the leaders of the Church) and we should not be afraid to be His Servant if He calls any of us to do so.

With regards to my prayer, welll, I was praying e morning and be silent and trying to be patient to wait upon the Lord to speak to me. I asked two questions (I will only share with you one question - too much to continue with the next) and he answered me ... first, I asked me what do you want me to do today? The word that flashes upon me was 'spiritual warfare'. That we should be, as what St. Paul writes to the Ephesians: (Ephesians 6:10 - 17):

"Finally, draw your strength from the Lord and from his mighty power. Put on the armor of God so that you may be able to stand firm against the tactics of the devil. For our struggle is not with the flesh and blood but with the principalities, with the powers, with the world rulers of this present darkness, with evil spirits in the heavens. Therefore, put on the armor of God, that you may be able to resist on the evil day, and having done everything, to hold your ground. So stand fast with your loins girded in truth, clothed with righteousness as a breastplate, and your feet shod in readiness for the gospel of peace. In all circumstances, hold faith as a shield, to quench all [the] flaming arrows of the evil one. And take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God."

I felt the Lord was telling me to share wtih all of you all that we need to pray for core team and we should continously pray for strength from the Lord. That we should let the evil one to take control of your decision making but only by the Spirit of God Himself ...

So BASIC, let us continue to pray ... pray for the leaders of the Church ..

Colin Sng

Be Still and Know that I am Your Lord of Your Life...

Hi Friends,

Be prepared for a super super long blog i am about to share and these are some of the many thoughts and reflections i had over the weekend and including some interesting experiences. ... Are you ready?

Well, I kinda of missed out something which i felt was very important for me to share. Last Monday, during the Men's Cell Group Meeting, we had a Priest from India, Fr Aloysious. He preached something about prayer. And it's so ironic that last night, Terence K., was sharing something that was supposed to be practised in our Community but we did not persevere enough to practise them. In one of our AGM, about two years ago, we did mention that we are going to spend at least 15 minutes each day to pray .. but have we done so as a Community, during our own private time? Well, I must really thank God, through Fr. Aloysius, I was once again reminded to spend some time in prayer. And I have to admit that if not for my medication, I would not be have been able to wake up early .. as early as 5.30 a.m. automatically, every morning to spend at least just 5 - 10 minutes to pray. When I say pray, I meant silent time in the darkness (i prefer to be in the darkness anyway) ... trying my best not to talk to God but be still in the presence of God - to myself to 'soak' in His Graces and His Love.

I did this for the whole entire week except for Saturday morning. I was asking myself what is happening to me .. I seemed to be so larthargic (hope i have spelt correctly), lazy etc not motivated to leave the house or do anything ... i was lazing throughout the day. As i was reflecting, I came to realise that i was not spending that short period of time with God... not at all.

I must also thank God for giving me so much privacy with my new office setting. (oh yes, with my favorite picture of Jesus ... it makes a lot of difference for me too.) With my new office setting, I am given so opportunity to pray in the morning before i began my work each day and it has been very helpful. It is so conducive to pray and I am able to turn on some praise and worship song ... very softly la. One of the things i asked of the Lord each morning is to give me the strength to pull through the day though it may be difficult, tiring and at times stressful.

Take for instance this morning, I must say that yesterday 5th Sunday of Lent First Reading was really great. I needed to hear those words as i was struggling quite badly this morning with so much negative inner voices which I know it couldn't be from God. The voices of my past sins, mistakes etc was haunting me very badly. It affected me quite badly as I was struggling about my inadequacy and unworthiness in my service and ministry with the Lord. It haunted me so badly that i nearly break down. But the Mercy of God penetrated my heart this morning when i was inspired to read yesterday 1st reading ... (Isaiah 43:18-19)

"Remember not the events of the past, the things of long ago consider not; See, I am doing something new! Not it springs forth, do you not perceive it?"

This morning, as I was flipping my bible to Isaiah 43, I was also turning on my CD not knowing what the first music was. The CD was actually burnt by Marcus Foo a few years back so there was no title on it; just numbers... little did i know that it was the song Isaiah 43 ... it literally opened my eyes once again to experience the Presence of Jesus being with me despite my struggles of the negative inner voices. I felt that Jesus was speaking to me and affirming me not to fear for He is the Lord of my life. At that point in time, I was staring very closely upon Jesus ... contemplating upon His Loving Face. Praise be to God!!!

On top of that, God spoke to me once again through the Good News Reflection for today... to tell me not to fear but to be courageous ...

So let us encourage each other to pray each morning ... to spend time with God each day of our lives.

Colin Sng

Hello ppl.

Haven't shared for a long time

i am so guilty!!!

anyway on a serious note since everyone is sharing bout his/her quarter life crisis

I guess this is the period of our lives whereby many of us start asking ourselves what we really want out of life.


I read an article bout a man by name of Aaron Chan who just came back from Afghanistan, he was thr for 6 mths. I was touched by his story the pictures which came with it.
Afghanistan- a place everyone portrays with terrorism, a place no one will ever think of going. but in reality it is actually as humane as the rest of the world.

And in another part of the world, there are people who do not even have money to buy water. Even though they are from the 3rd world economy, GDP much lower than ours, they pay more as compared to many developed nations like singapore for 1 L of water.

And in Palestine itself, the ppl's fate, are decided by the Isrealis who were supposedly the victims of the war! freedom? ability to move ard as they move? nth of such...

These real life articles really tug on my heart strings.

one of the reason why i didn't believe in god when i was younger was cos, of this basic fundamental, if there was a god, why are thr still sufferings... why are

But i learned that it is thru sufferings which bring us closer to god... and i see truth in it. when i read about heart warming stories like the ones above, peopel speak of love, of compassion, it just touches u.... u feel a peace within.

A mth ago.. when i melt up with my team mates for supper... they asked me if god has really changed my life for the better. their reason being that ever since i decided to spend more time to know god... i became more emotional and have been experiencing frequent uncalled for mood swings.

i really wonder...

God has answered many questions i have been pondering about the past 21 yrs... at same time many many more doors of queries were opened. these new doors shook my foundation on who i am? what is my purpose in life... many questions which i thought i have long answered b4 my peers. As i know our lord more and more, i started to feel more and more ordinary, i felt like a common man just passing the days. For 1st time in my life i do not have any vision,didn't have this drive to succeed anymore.." wat i wanna be when i grow up, an auditor loh what else" this ans to myself now is so unsatisfying...cos i had so many ambitions b4 i knew god. but i just don't believe in those ambitions any longer.

why? cos i admit that i was building these ambitions on the wrong rock.
and some things have gotta go..

it is hard... trying to move away from crowds, hoping to escape the question of " what u really want to be when u graduate?" cos right now... i really have no idea

i am actually amazed how i put my faith in our lord even though i only know him for this short period of time.

Sometimes i am afraid... really wonder if all these is worth it... it is something i may never know.

But i guess the beauty of it all which adds sparks to the little flame in me is the comfort he gives me when i read and learn bout people's suffering.

reading up about the 3rd world nations, histories of nations, today's conflicts has always been my interest. But there were so many things i don't understand
recently, i developed a deeper appreciation of the situation, and my reflection after every new finding was no more about fueling the burning desire to be someone who will change the world one day, but it is more of so what am i going to do to make a difference to the world today.

when i humble myself, indulge in serenity, i start to appreciate every moment which pass better. It gives me a greater understanding to the phase i live by during my teenage years" cape diem"
-live life as if its your last... cos i finally understand the beauty of it all... to celebrate, enjoy when i am with friends... to thank lord for the quiet ME time i have.

fast life, working to the top, cute chicks, days of social butterfly is now taken over by church, books and maybe just a bit of social life. am i enjoying it? hmm i will be lying if i say yes, if i say no it will not put a good ending to my sharing right :)

lets just say that i am awed by so many mysteries in life left unraveled and so many books and history left untouched. It is amazing how many things we are doing now are all gifts we sometimes take for granted

PS: lets start saving up on water! don't brush your teeth with the tap left running
use less water when bathinG!!!

HA!@

steven
And it is something i am in control of it all, with a direct line of help.

Still a long long way for all of us ... Purpose Driven Life ..

Hi Friends,

Constance: Thanks for sharing with on the korean video clip ... it's really a long time since i last watch tat and i was actually being introduced by Janice haha. Anyway, I am glad tat you are sharing this with us again... and I am glad i had the opportunity to watch this again.

When i woke up this morning, i realised that it's saturday , a day which i drag (sometimes) and sometimes, i look forward to, a time for me to take a break from work. Why drag? Well, I struggled with loneliness everytime it comes to saturday and each time i read it and i am really wondering when God is going to answer my prayer or is going to answer my prayer ... I just wish i have a companion in my life to journey with deeply particularly in my faith. But as i was watching that video clip i am reminded once again tat my journey cannot be dependent on the people but Christ alone .. but it is really so difficult. It is made difficult everytime when it comes to Saturday hence, it is something that i drag alot. My life seemed to be quite dull and boring .. life seemed to be filled with ministries, meetings, work and home .. is this wat life all about ...

It then occured to me lately that I am only 25 years old ... can you imagine those who in their 50s ... that's another more than 25 years. Personally, 25 years is already quite long for most of us .. so can we imagine we so much more to live, even among those in their 50s (for most of our parents) who has another generation above them (our grandparents) ... that's another 25 years or more.. so we are indeed very young .. and our journey is not going to be easy man .. there's so much to live for and we really don't know when we are going back to see our Lord again ... (i used the word again simply because i believe that each and everyone of us here have seen the Lord but we kinda of forget about him - hence that's why we cry when we are born .. hahah - just kidding) In any case, i really wonder when are we going to see the Lord again ... it such a long and tiring journey. I came to realise this especially after my major operation last year ...

So Lord ... teach us to be patient with you and to trust that you are leading us to the most Perfect Plan of yours.

Oh ya, remember what i shared with you guys yesterday about this guy who passed away not too long ago. It was later that evening i completed his autobiography when i was on my way back home. When i first read his name, I realised tat his name is actually very familiar but could not put a finger onto it. It was later when i was completing his story then did i remembered that he was the guy who came out with the invention of conducting polymer (ini layman term, it's plastics that conduct electricity) whilst working with one of the Japanese chemist. In fact, my former research laboratory is working on such polymers. In any case, what dawned upon me was about our purpose driven life. That each and everyone of us, if we were to really work hard to know what's God's Mission and purpose for us, we would also like him know our purpose or rather acting on the purpose itself.

Having been read his story, it dawned upon me that we have such a long way more to our purpose .. if we actually read a number of autobiographes, each story is unique and eachof them has their own unique purpose . And i guess, probably around our age group, God is actually forming us to prepare us for that purpose that we are not even aware of.

So are we living our lives to the fullest so that we could live up to that purpose that God has entrusted us with great responsibilities .....

Colin Sng

lent?

oh no.. another weekend is here again. and it just struck me that this sunday is the fifth sunday of lent! *faint*

lent has been the most ordinary period of the year. it has been monotonous and just very normal.. and i haven been putting extra hard effort to make it meaningful. and realising that lent is gonna be over even before i know it scares me. think this period has also been the most stressful period in my life. i have never felt so stressed over school work before and i have never been this busy before.. its madness. and its not gonna get any freer till after the 10th of april. and by then easter would be over.

praise God i have blogs to inspire me. i need to learn to put God in the center of all the things im doing. presently, he's been just a faraway person i dont even think of so often now. my daily night prayers have been reduced to just a sign of the cross and then i never ever finish them before i sleep. and attempts to go for morning mass keep failing! so i haven been for daily mass in a billion years!

just now while uploading photos, i found this pic, and it reminded me of the http://donghaeng.net video clip we watched quite a while back.. a touching clip on how God has given this boy a duty to show people the way to God and told him to be obedient and loyal wherever he went. he fell, cos the wind and the other distractions were too much for him to take, but still he picked himself up and tried again, holding on even more to the cross even in the toughest of all situations.

ok, i just watched it again and im very touched, awed and inspired. (: praise God for a wonderful start of the day!

oh and im gonna miss my mum! she's gone to china yesterday and wun be back till next sat. i dont remember having her so faraway before. haha. suddenly i feel like a little girl again, feeling insecure when my mum's not around me..

PHOTOS!! (:

HELLO!! here are some photos from the amazing race sunday!! sorry took so long to upload! haha.

i am coming back to God again

Yesterday was the best day of the whole entire year. first, cos school had sports day haha, i ran in the 8x50m event and came in 3rd! (there were only 4 teams! haha) but it was fun. really want to praise God for putting me into Bowen, even our own teachers are appreciative of the many things in school, like the discipline of the kids, the perfect balance between work and play, the staff support and teamwork and unity. how the school really exemplifies Christ's values even tho it is not catholic, but the spirit of the school is so evidently catholic, living out the values of Christ, like humility, helpfulness, care, unity, etc.

then rem i shared about how i struggled with sharing about God in my relationship, wow i'm amazed how God changes things around for me, how He truly provides for me. you see there's this self-help book that adrian has been reading, about how to stop worrying and how to start living life, it's one of those secular books that you'll find in any bookstore. he was quite inspired by it in the sense that when he applied what the book said, it really helped improve his life. it said things like how not to worry about the next day, how not to keep resentment, how to stay positive and so on. so it was like his 'bible'. and guess what the wonderful author actually put in verses from our catholic bible! i think he must have been surprised that the secular book actually advocated teachings from the bible. and we had a fruitful time taking and discussing about Christ's values in our lives and concrete situations in which we should apply these values. i'm so awed by God's wisdom in going such a round-about way to reach out to him. not that he's anywhere near the baptismal font, but now i've learnt that it's really more important to be nearer the peace and love of Christ in our lives.

and the issue about my relationship with my father. i am trying to pray for the courage to take a step closer to share more about myself and to ask more about him in our conversations. hope it will help gradually in deepening our relationship.

and i realized that i've been belittling the power and the significance and impact of prayer. how i've dismissed prayer as unimportant and unnecessary. how wrong i've been. so this lent, (my real first resolution) i hope to take prayer more seriously and to put more of my heart and soul into meaning what i pray and praying what i really mean inside.

it's been a fantastic wonderful end-of-the-week. Praise God. I love you Jesus and Father God.

eeever-lynn

What success is NOT ...

Hey Friends,

Don't get the wrong idea ... it's my lunch break so I am not slacking ... in fact, I can't do much now because the people that i am looking for are all having their break now.

In any case, I was reading some articles about some Nobel Laureate (http://nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/). I was reading this particular guy, a Nobel prize winner in Chemistry in Year 2000, who died not too long ago, 7th February 2007 - Alan G. MacDiarmid. He actually quoted something that it kinda make a lot of sense to me lately especially now that I have been in the working force for nearly four years.

" Success is knowing that you have done your best and have exploited your God-given or gene-given abilities to the next maximum extent."

I realised that as long as I did my best in whatever I do, I am already a successful man. If we were to read all the many other autobiographies of those who are not successful in the worldly and secular sense, you would probably realised how blessed they are in their own unique way.

At this juncture, I would also like to draw an attention about humility. The lessons of humility is something that God has been teaching me lately. I have come to discover that people who are proud in themselves and forgetting that God is the one who has given them the knowledge, gifts, and ability to be where they are, that would lead them to pride. That's what pride is all about. It's so ironic that God has been sending me so many people in my life about humility. The fact that people who are arrogant and proud are actually insecure people, people who lack trust in themselves. I was awestruck by the fact that met this particular guy, Dr. Ramam. He was so humble that he came to approach me one day to introduce himself and share abit about himself. He was so approachable that I did not have much fear speaking to him. Little did I know later, after going back to NUS - Chemistry to meet former colleague of mine, Ms Wati, she mentioned to me who this person is. Dr. Ramam is one of the Cluster Manager, or simple put Head of Department for very big equipment (to put in lay man terms). When the Fusionpolis is set up, where all the seven A*STAR Research Institutes will be 'fused' together somewhere in Biopolis, He would be a very important person as most of the scientific equipment would be used in his department. I was really awestruck by his simplicity and humility. I learnt from this lesson that success has also nothing to do with your position or status but simplicity and humility.

Jesus, Himself have make it very clear to us that humility is a virtue that is very important in our lives. It is precisely in this following passage found in Matthew 11:29 that describes who He really is ...

"COme to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am meek and humble; and you will find rest for yourselves. For my yoke is easy, and my burden light".

If you study the Gospel of St. Matthew by Msgr Eugene Vaz, you would learnt that this particular passage is one of the most central message of the St. Matthew Gospel. The events before and after actually leads us to the central description of who Jesus really is. Hence, it shows that humility is a very important virture. But that does not meet we have to discount the rest of the virtues, and certainly love is the top priority as compared to the rest of the virtues that Christ teaches us.

Well, it's so ironic that it is in A*STAR - IMRE that God taught me so much about humility and at the same time showing me the difference between what dignity is and humility. Many times in our lives, we are not aware of it. So dear Lord Jesus, we would like to ask you teach us more about humility and what success really means.

Oh ya, just before i end off, I would like share something about 'distortion'. I realised that i have been so foolised in alot of sense. Deep inside me, I have great desire to be simple and precisely becasue of this desire, I sometimes see things in a very simplistic way and not able to see it in a different perspective as I am afraid that I might make some mistakes in my life. There are few things in my life which I felt that I have distorted ideas of ... take for instance, the word 'success', 'degree' ... to me, in the past, it is such a 'dirty' word. Even getting a degree is a dirty word for me .. can you believe it ... well, i have learnt and grew to accept that they are in fact gifts from God and getting a degree is a passport towards serving the bigger community out there. So long as we are doing it for the sake of pursuing a status I guess it should be fine. Ultimately, whatever we receive in life, we should be giving to those who does have ... isn't it .. why keep it to yourselves? I guess, with regards to success, it has some alot to do with Mother Teresa shared .. we are not called to be successful but to faithful .. well, i guess i have never fully understood what she meant but now, i have come to grasp it better, much better. Being successful is not wrong, but ultimately, we must always be conscious to know that we are doing it for the greater glory of God and that is to serve the society and community.

Anyway ... reading my super long messages ... hope i am not boring you guys ... enjoy your weekend and May God bless you in whatever you do ...

Colin Sng

go with the flow

ola my fellow seedlings! it's shireen, but don't be too shocked...

i haven't really been blogging ANYWHERE for a while. but anyway, i'm in school now and it's 1035am. i actually took a cab down and reached here about 1020am and though i was late for my 10am meeting (which i am) BUT...

but noone else is here!!! either on their way or overslept or suddenly had "something important". faint faint faint. (!!!!!) haha here's what i'm trying to figure out. you see, i decided to take the 147 from a different busstop today which meant that i had to cross a road at a traffic light. and while i am waiting at the traffic light, i see a 147 stop at the busstop and as i'm crossing the road it leaves and i can't get it in time. (now if i had walked to the usual busstop i would have gotten it). so at 935am, i decided i should take a cab. while i stand there hailing a cab, THREE 147s (or is it four?) stop and go. and then i decide to change my position to get a cab and walk through the HDB carpark to get to the other main road and there coming towards me is an EMPTY cab (which was so weird cos it was just so hard to get a cab!!). now, this empty cab turned into a carpark lot so i thought it was parking...but it reversed out cos it was actually making a three-point turn to go out. (!!! again) by this time, i was wondering...should i just go home? what was god telling me?

why was it that everything i thought i needed and wanted was just infront of me and yet, not meant for me?

finally, i was waiting there when this big cab u-turned and stopped infront of me because the two sneaky people who both wanted to hail my cab were too slow (they appeared from nowhere lar!). apparently the cab driver had been at the coffeeshop on the opposite side of the road and had seen me there for the longest time...

anyway, i reached school and guess what? i was the only one from my group there!! the room was empty. and i was thinking, if i had taken one of those 147s which god had so generously provided (3 or 4 mind you) right infront of me, i would have also just reached school and saved money. if i had taken the first 147 which left the busstop while i was waiting at the traffic light, i would have been too early even though i was late.

this whole situation this morning was just so ironic. people sometimes use this word, suay (how do u spell it??). and i was thinking, i must have been one helluva suay person this morning. but then, is it really suay just cos everything was so near and yet so far and it seemed like i had wasted time and money? or was it that i was just not going with the flow of life? whose flow? to where? do you take the most obvious thing staring at you in the face? is the road less travelled always the way? maybe the road less travelled is sometimes less travelled because it really shouldn't be travelled on. do you know what i mean???

here's my train of thought:

1. god's will = the flow
2. god's will= for my joy and success
(jeremiah 29:11 => For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ")
3. to go against the flow = to go against God's will = to go against joy and success

well, this is my friday morning reflection. and i'll just end of with a prayer.

dear god,

sometimes, i am blind or stubborn and am unable to see your plans for me or to live according to your will. i pray that you teach me to be in tune with your will and live according to it no matter where i am or what the time of day is. teach me to abandon my reliance on the world, on emotions, on words, on intellect. teach me to place all my trust in you, to make all decisions firmly rooted in you. guide my hands, my feet, my heart, my mind so that they are all forever heading in your direction, drawing closer and closer to you. home is where the heart is, lord. you are my home and that is where i have always been, am and will be truly happy, that is where your will leads me. remove all barriers and blockages that deter me from flowing down this river that leads to you. thank you and praise you, father, for always waiting so patiently and lovingly for me to come home. thank you for running a hundred steps towards me for every 1 step which i slowly inch towards to you. thank you for the way you embrace me with the warmth and the light of your love. thank you for the abundant blessings you so generously pour out on me and the lessons you teach me each day through everything in life. lord, let me never be blind, let me not fall into those black-holes, but rather, i pray that i will always be thankful and joyful for you are here with me, loving me constantly. teach me to love you with all my heart, all my soul, all my mind, all my strength and teach me to love my neighbour as myself and to be a neighbour to those you have placed before me. i have so much to learn, lord. i am eager and i desire to let my heart be moulded after yours. come, lord, jesus, make me new, create in me a clean heart.

amen.

love,
shireen

Fear Not ... For I am with you always ..

Dear Friends,

Well, it was so ironic that i was reading this daily Good News article ... time and time again, God speaks to me very much through this article. I first experienced this when i had some difficulty with someone in the Parish about two years back and the Lord keep encouraging me to persevere with many persecutions that i had to encounter in my life. Back then, i was even wondering whether that was a persecution... but in any case, that's not the point.

Today, i would like to share something about the article that i read and i guess one of my inner and deeper struggle in my life is fear. I seemed to be fearful in a lot of things as i lack the confidence in myself. But again, as each time I encounter any fears, I always remind myself of my favourite passage which is supposed to be one of the tablets that we have been asked in the community to take each day. This can be found in Romans 8:14 - 16:

"For those who are led by the Spirit of God are Children of God. For you did not receive a spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you received a spirit of adoption, through which we cry, "Abba, Father!" The Spirit itself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children ...."

Well, certainly taking such 'tablets' has been helpful for me and as i keep reminding myself that i am the beloved of the Heavenly and Perfect Father.

Perhaps, I should share why I am sharing this ... the story behind all this...Yesterday, I received a message from Roderick Thereseira, the new Overall Coordinator of the Catechtical Ministry. He was tight down with work so he could not make it for the PPC Ex-Co Meeting so he asked me to replaced him. I was struggling to say yes for two reasons. Firstly, I have not been going home early for the past few days as I was having meetings after meetings since Monday and especially now that my mother has started a new job which allow her to come back early... as early as 6 p.m. She always has been coming back late at about eleven .. (oh ya thank God that she found a job!!! And once again, God answered my prayers ... in fact, I had a tiff with her not too long ago suggesting to her to get a office hour job rather than doing sales but she was pretty upset with me for telling her what to do!!!) - so Praise be to God .. opps .. i am digressing again .. anyway, the second reason was because of how people would look at me or perceive me, because of my tactlessness ... often than not, I always have this impression that only tactful peope are called to be in the PPC Exco Meeting. What's more .. i have made so many mistakes to the Community and even at the Parish Level over the last 3 - 4 years as such, i always have this thinking that i should not be at any of such meeting.

But FEAR NOT ... today, as i was reading this article God speaks to me again ... the first statement in this article was "Who sent you to this meeting in Church ... It is the Father who sent you ... so don't think you are not credible" And I believed he has sent me for a purpose which I don't know what ... But I guess my credibility as nothing to do with my past mistakes or my tactlessness ... God the Father has sent me for a purpose which i have yet to discover.

The other aspect which I would like to share .. something very personal especially now that I am not getting any younger is about going overseas. Going overseas has always been a struggle for me ... Each time I desire wanting to go overseas, even for a very short trip, I would have to think twice to even speak to my mother about it. Being an only child and moreover, the fact that I am not so healthy person, I struggled with this quite badly. I am always wondering whether should i go or not ... and am I following the Father's Will... Take for instance, going to Bangkok for the Jesus Youth Conference was quite a struggle for me. I had this fear of bringing this topic up to my mother as I knew that she would probably does not support it with all her traditional and silly reasons ... I am just hopping that she could understand where i am coming from ... So as I was about to bring this up to my mother I told myself that i have to overcome this fear and to really discuss it with her .. despite knowing that she would probably give her silly reasons.

So brothers and sisters in Christ, let us know get so caught up with our fears in our lives but to come out of our comfort zone ... to step up in faith and trust that God is taking care of us.

Colin Sng

Hi Friends,

This would be my very first blog i am writing ... anyway, I was very inspired by what Evelyn was sharing. Like i said, sorry for taking such a long time to write as i have been quite busy lately with so many meetings and work. In fact, I was struggling quite a big time this morning about my insecurity and it has been quite some time since i felt this way. Eve, thanks for your openness and honesty, you really inspired me to write more about my inner thoughts. Well, i guess what inspired me was about her thoughts about marriage and i guess this is something i struggle with each day and honestly, i am still wondering and discerning whether God will allow me to get into a relationship with Janice. I have been persevering for many years, and can you believe it this is my eleventh years of waiting and i will constantly persevere until God give me a very very clear sign that Janice is not the person and that He gives me the grace to accept it and also that He shows me someone else that is as good as her...haha.

Well, with my new office setting, it's much more convenient for me to put my favorite Jesus picture which i really fall in love with. There is so much of privacy for me to pray and spend time with God in the morning before i start my day. So this morning, as I was struggling with the issue that i initially mentioned, I was reminded once again by the grace of the HOly Spirit that He is in charge of my love life and that I do not have to worry. I just got to trust that He is the Perfect Father and He has best plan on earth. Like I have mentioned last weekend, during our cell group sharing, that He has constantly showed me his plan especially with my new job. So if He is able to take good care of me in terms of my new job and financial situation, i believe He would take care of my love life. What's more .. I am still young and i know for sure, deep inside me that I am not ready for any courtship until I am more financially ready and stable and more importantly, I am more emotionally and psychologically ready. I believe the Lord has put in this job for a reason and ironically, He has put in this particular family i am in so that He could form me to be good husband and father.

At this juncture, I would like to share with you something that really struck me last night .. i was with Johannes Iwan from SACCRE Youth. Well, thanks be to God ... I am so inspired by this guy la, he's full of zeal and passion for the Lord. He's truly a Man of Vision and dreams for the Kingdom of God ... I praise and thank God for giving me this opportunity to meet this young man, a true Man of God, seeking the heart of God ... Truly, the Church of today need more and more people like him .. to spread the fire of Love for His Kingdom. So brothers and sisters, let's not be so caught up with our own struggles, crosses ... and then wallow down in our self-pity but let's up get up from our comfort zone to dream dreams for the Kingdom of God!!! Whilst speaking to him, I realised that the Harvest is truly plentiful but the laborers are very few .... As what Jesus has spoken to the Paralysed man, let us get up and walk in faith of Christ ...

Colin Sng

Powerful message for me

hi, last nite went for the tue bible input by fr eugene vaz. gosh i was like so wow-ed by some of the messages that he taught. last nite's verses talked about this passage, there was this man who said he wanted to follow Jesus, but Jesus said that foxes have holes and birds have nests but the Son of Man does not have a place to lay his head. refers to the fact that to be a disciple, like Jesus, we do not have a place to lay our heads too, we do not have the security and comfort of a permanent home, we are constantly faced with uncertainty and inconveniences. sometimes i experience that and feel that way too. times when i don't know if i will be a teacher forever, times when i don't know when i will get married, times when i don't know if I am doing God's will, times when i feel so tired and beaten and don't know who to turn to and feel alone. Jesus himself knew that to be a disciple, we will all face this, so He took the first step to experience it first then taught us how to handle it.

then to another man, Jesus said, "Follow me". but the man replied, "let me go bury the dead first" and Jesus replied, "let the dead bury the dead; you go and proclaim the Kingdom of God". the 'dead' refers to the spiritually dead, that our role as disciple is to proclaim the Kingdom of God to everyone we meet, but if we encounter ppl who reject us, we are to leave them, and not be hindered by them. God has a place and a time for them, for nothing can touch or move them, only God alone.

Finally, another said, "i will follow you", but Jesus answered, "those who has laid their hands on the plow must never look back." we, who have laid our hands on the plow of decision to walk in God's ways, must never look back. we have come this far, we shall only look forward.

take heart people, it's mid-week. weekend will soon be here again. Keep Jesus in your heart always.

evil-lynn

just me and my guitar

("Every heart
Every power
Lies in the heart of a
seed that flowers ..."

We are all flowering seeds and like the parable of the sower, how we spring up depends on what ground we fall on. May we fall on fertile land so that our hearts are in the right place- with God, and that we serve Him and not the secular world.

Sometimes it is hard. The struggle between serving God and serving Man is a daily battle for some of us. We want to do more for Christ but at the same time, we are bound by work and time constrains. We want to serve Him more. give more to His cause but then sometimes a tight budget makes it hard for us to do so.

At the end of the day, despite all the struggles, let us put Christ in the centre of it all. We must know what to fight for and what to surrender to him to battle for us. For we are weak but HE IS STRONG... and in Him, we can find great victory.

We're all "seeds in the Maker's hand", planted on this Earth here to grow in His way. Let us not grow wayward like weeds but bask in His Sun (Son) and blossom in His Time whilst growing in His Word with each new day.

Thanks Corrinne for reminding us about that.

May that voice touch more lives not just through secular love songs, but through her love songs for Jesus.

steven

Renewed

HELLO!

im posting this in the midst of my presentation meeting.. hah! anyway sorry cant stay for sharing and for missing yest's gathering! ): but for now, im really amazed at how God can change one sian, gloomy, stressful morning into a sunnier afternoon! (: haha.

actually i didnt wanna come for session today, but i went cos im the kind who'd feel guilty if i pon anything. ya so i'd go for everything though i may not want to la. but im glad i went for session. for the past wk, ive been feeling like i wanna just take a break from everything and just hide in a hole in the corner of the world. there's really too much things to handle la. and im abt to reach the 'really really cannot cope with everything' stage. its very very sian to have to keep trying to meet deadlines and when one thing is done have to go rush another project/assignment. really dunno why this sem is so stressful la. and seniors say next sem is worse. i can just prepare my cave in some faraway land already. yup. so tts y im so sian everyday and i think im becoming quite anti-social also. i dont even want to meet up with friends, don't want to go anywhere, i just want to come home right after school, like immediately after the lecture, go straight home.. and at home i dont even want to do work, i just stare at my work and sigh then go and slp without completing it. oh no, after typing all these out and reading them, i think these are like signs of depression or sth right? haha!

i realise im a very 'need people's approval' person, like if i want to dont go for session, i'd think abt how some ppl will wonder why im not there, and if my staying at home to finish up work is a good enough excuse to not go for sessions, and most of the time i would think its not a good enough excuse la, so if i really dun go for session i'd feel guilty. even just now when i left early, i was also feeling quite 'oh no, dunno what they would say of me.' and even worse if ppl ask me how come i didnt go for session or wat, i'd be very very suspicious of their intentions of asking me. i would be wondering if they're judging me or anything.
sigh. such a mafan mentality right?

but really, thank God for this weird mentality if not i wouldnt have gone for session. and if i hadnt gone for session i'd still be on my sad journey to looking for that cave or hole to hide in for the rest of the week.
and i wouldnt be feeling so refreshed! haha.

OH! and im so proud of our catholic faith! haha. so cool to have a SEA conference! really no boundaries to our faith! (: but sad! cant go.. its right smack in the middle of my exams! ):

ok.. back to work. haha.

Honesty

hi people it's me again. read the bcg's blog and was struck by the deep honesty of their sharing and i reflected on how honest and how personal my sharings were.

i must confess that i'm still struggling alot in not being able to share my spiritual life with adrian. it's hard and i feel persecuted most of the time. over time, it just gets too tiring and discouraging to embrace the sadness and disappointment, that subconsciously, i just resorted to disowning that struggle and that sadness. sweeping everything under the carpet instead of taking it to prayer. i have disowned it to the extent that i have forgotten about this problem. but this disowning has caused me to share with comm only about the superficial things of my life, has caused me to not be able to share the deepest part of myself with comm. wrong step. it would be more right to unite this sadness to the sufferings of Christ. read somewhere that it's normal for disciples of Christ to face persecutions. but it doesn't take away the reality of having to face the sadness and discouragement.

also, realized i have not gotten over: if i share deeper about him, how would the community see him? how would comm see me? what if he stumbled upon this blog and read what i've posted here? how would he react? would he distant himself from me? from the community?

as i type this, i'm filled with fear and anxiety of not knowing what will happen. i rem attempting to share deeply at another occasion before (outside comm) and was rejected. ppl couldn't take the honesty. will msc be diff? does this difference depend on every individual, starting from me?

eeever-lynn

Barrier and Grace

oh my gosh people! here i come.. haha, great to see so many heart-warming posts.

first, thanks cons for setting this up and kenny, cons and steve for writing. i'm quite inspired to write.

me, the st teresa retreat has been good for me. esp the session input by jonathan pillai. he's good, so like jude's pattern haha. he spoke about how our relationship with God is reflective of our relationship with esp our fathers, or the other way round. i know of this fact a long time ago, but it never struck me so hard like in the session. i always felt very confident of God's compassionate mercy, seldom doubt about how He would so readily and easily forgive. but yet i feel a great distance from Him. and that is exactly how i feel about my dad. he's a wonderful, fantastic, super-self-sacrificial father. exactly like how God is, if God were to appear in person, he would look something like my father. but there is a great emotional distance between us. and that's how i feel with God. somehow i feel there's a great wall or barrier that i cannot break down. feels beyond my ability to knock down this wall. it's an obstacle to a deeper and more intimate relationship with God.

this morning when i woke up, being the week of the march holidays, i dun need to go school... yay... but i didn't know whether to go school to do work or to stay home to do work, or to stay home and slack.. then somehow i asked God what He wanted me to do. and i realized i haven't done that for a long time - asking God what to do. i rem how i used to seek His Will so much in every single tiniest thing, like should i sleep late during the holidays, should i go swimming during my free time, should i send a msg to a fren, should i go up to that fren to say hi, etc... but over the past one year, i have either stopped doing that or i have done less of that, and that increases that barrier and distance from God. bad. but i'm glad that i asked Him this morning. it really struck me that i have been wrong in wanting to make decisions myself without seeking the Holy Spirit. and i shall try to seek Him again in the smallest of things. because the world sees seeking God in every small thing, as weakness and incapability, as though we are not capable of making decisions ourselves. but that is not true. seeking the Holy Spirit in the tiniest things, helps me grow closer and strengthens my relationship with God. also because i stopped consulting the Holy Spirit, i have stopped asking for grace and strength to do the tiniest things, like completing an assignment or sitting down at the computer to do a lesson plan, thinking that everything depends on me. i became more spiritually arrogant which is opposite of humility. humility leads to gratitude, which leads to service. i have been wrong and i hope to change things around.... OOPS i mean i should be saying, i hope to ask for the grace and strength to change.

yup that's me for now. so when i asked God what to do for today, He didn't give me an answer. but here am i blogging, which i never planned to do if i were to make the decision on my own. praise You O God.

eeever-lynn

now i have to contribute to 2 blogs...!!!

thats to addition to many blogs!!! cos me being popular :)

ok enough of crap...

K... last week was a real super bad one for me.
everyday i had been sleeping for round 3 hrs...and on fri itself i slept for only 1 hr.
fri was my own fault for slping late. was out at timbre till 3+am... took a quick 1hr nap and had to rush off for trg.

so at 5 am.......i was out on the road.

I said a morning prayer b4 the ride that day... cos i knew i was still very tired after the long week and lack of slp (who wldn't right)... and its a danger to myself and my other team mates if i wasn't alert on the road.

i was the leader of pack as we pass thru west coast rd.... just as i was about to cross a cross road junction, a big tour bus suddenly turned and came head on towards us... if i was any second slower in shouting to the rest of the grp... or i didn't notice that the bus did not stop ( we were right of way btw)... u wldn't see me at teh retreat or maybe in future at all.

i was shocked... and awed by the changes god has made to my life. a yr ago... i wld have been killed instantly,judging by how reckless i was in the past. but now... i see new purpose in my life... though i am still searchin the answer to "who am I?" and " who is jesus"... and have given up many things in the process... i am affirmed now and then that it is all worth it

anyway pls include me in your prayers.-i am really coping badly in school now, long hrs, alone, and spiritually hungry. last week itself i only went mass 2 times during the weekdays. I don't know why, but St francis Assicis church doesn't have evening services... and ntu is super far away from civilisation for me to get out of that place.

i really hope things get better in weeks to come...


steven

AM i a tree that bears fruit?

attended mass at IHM this morning. n the first thought was o man .. is fr antonio.. i cant undersand him at all cuz of his accent. quite relectant to go for mass at IHM but i over slept this morning so i didnt go to SFX.. sundays are very special dazs for me as it is the day of the Lord. although there is mass at 5pm at the retreat, i still want to go for my morning mass, if not it just seems strange to me.

I attended mass alone cuz melt overslept n i was like all alone.. hahahha no la .. i was with God . the choir was good n the whole entire settling is great.... the songs that was chosen was great. what struck me the most at mass today was the homily where Fr said:" every lent we tell God help me to change this or that, but then what is the thing we should continue to ask God is..... to tell him to change us n help us to b a tree that bears fruits!!!" It just struck me so hard that although i might be able to overcome my struggles n temptation with prayers n reflections, i am just a stagnant tree. If i am a fruit bearing tree, i am bearing bitter fruits..... it just got me thinking.. in the midst of mass, i was also thinking of what is God telling me. read John 4: 4-52. about the samartian woman.. God is asking her do you want to drink the water that does not make u thirsty anymore ??? very powerful message.. so what am i drinking n where am i drinking from??? today i was so awed too that th universal church round the whole is celebrating the 1st scrunity for the elect as they draw closer to baptism. i was like wow.. so many will be baptise this easter.. it is like a 24 hrs event like every second every min, pple will be baptised.. i was like so in awed that the CATHOLIC church is so united n we are ONE BIG family..... keep my Godson in prayer too as he embark another step closer to baptism. His first scrunity is held in Johor as he is having his retreat this weekend. may he have a great encounter with the Lord.. Jason lin, if you get to read our blog.. my another Godson.. hahhaha .. take this time to recall ur baptism call as you said YES to him last yr. So what is ur reflection on our own baptism? as you spend easter with enl , drag each other to pray n literally go into the passion of Christ n rise with him on easter sunday.. (dont just drink n drink n then travel - hahahaaah make time to pray. form the little community in finland)

Got to do my work now.. later have to return to retreat n do a session...
SHIREEN ... YOU BETTER START BLOGGING IT IS NOT A KENSTANCE BLOG...... IT IS EVERYBODY BLOG.. blur.... hehehehehahahhahahheheheheh

Kenny

small enough

oh, great god, be small enough to hear me now
there were times when i was crying
from the dark of daniel's den
and i have asked you once or twice
if you would part the sea again
but tonight i do not need a fiery pillar in the sky
just wanna know you're gonna hold me if i start to cry
oh, great god, be small enough to hear me now

oh, great god, be close enough to feel you now
there have been moments when i could not
face goliath on my own
and how could i forget we've marched around
our share of jerichos
but i will not be setting out a fleece for you tonight
just wanna know that everything will be alright
oh great god, be close enough to feel you now

all praise and all honor be
to the god of ancient mysteries
whose every sign and wonder turn the pages of our history
but tonight my heart is heavy
and i cannot keep from whispering this prayer
"are you there?"

and i know you could leave writing on the wall
thats just for me
or send wisdom while i'm sleeping,
like in soloman's sweet dreams
but i don't need the strength of samson
or a chariot in the end
just want to know that you still know how many hairs
are on my head
oh great god, be small enough to hear me now
-----------------------

im very touched by this song.
it never occurred to me how BIG God is, like whenever i pray right, i would think of how i want God to answer my prayers like NOW! and its all i need His help in this, need His blessings in that, need Him to make people see things the way i see them.. that kinda thing. but it has never ever occurred to me, how small i was, and who am i to 'command' God to do such wonders in my life. i'm just one of the millions and billions of His creations. why listen to my prayers? why answer them?

but our God is so amazing, He does listen to my irritating complaints and answers my prayers. feeling VERY BLESSED and SO SO SO LOVED by this great God of ours, cos he has made Himself small enough to hear me. (:

at the top

just a short reflection:

my fren has been asking me the whole of the past wk if i wanted to go climb Mt Ophir with her. and i was thinking i'm so so so lazy to climb a mountain! and though i wanna go see the scenery, i think of the journey, the climbing, the tiredness, all the lactic acid i'd feel in my legs, the grime and dirt and the insects? haha, i was like huh..... dun want. haha! i noe its quite uncharacteristic of an ex-outdoor activities club member. but yeah.. that was exactly what i was thinking la. then i was like if i could just go right straight to the top to watch sunrise and just appreciate the beauty there, i'd go!

so i thot wah i always want the easy way out, like in this case, i just wanna reach the top and stay there without any effort required on my part. i likened the 'top' to be a place of peace and happiness or something that is good la, generally. then i realise in the same way, the reason why my spiritual life hasnt been very good throughout the wk and then in the wkends especially during sessions i'd be all inspired and feel good abt everything.. its the so called 'high' feeling we get after a session where we experience Him. and then i wanna just stay there and be unrealistic and not come down. haha. like in the transfiguration, where the disciples just wanted to build tents and stay up there.

so similarly, the trek upwards to the top is just the same as my daily prayer life, or rather my relationship with God. though sometimes i'd feel very alone on this journey and dont feel His presence, i realise the importance of this 'trek' up that 'mountain', cos along this walk, only by experiencing the highs and lows and the dryness of this spiritual journey, can we only experience the fullness of the joy we'd experience at the top. (:

--------
hopefully my incoherent thoughts can be understood. haha! (:

how.. Sian...

hmm.... the end of the week is here again.. time floes like nobody business n it is driving me crazy.. already... how come nobody blogs yet.. where is evelyn , colin , shireen , steven, mel chen.. where is everyone . . .. ..

anyway.. i am lost.. i feel so indifferent.. i feel like nothing. last night my dad was admitted to the hospital cuz of his leg (suspected muscle tear). the strange thing is that i have no feeling at all. what was in mind was like hey i have tutorial to rush , my lab report to do.. my studies to catch up n there are so many things not done... i am like .. hey i have so much to do... cannot stop.. but the fact is last night i didnt even accomplish much.. done with one tut for discussion today n then i was so tired..

i was thinking... if it is someone else... like the rest of my relatives... pple from MSC... i will react differently.. why... i dont know.. i think i can feel like this... but then it is all out of responsiblity now.. later i will be gg down.. imagine that i am thinking how long am i gg to stay... what i have to say.. i actually dont know... like arhh.. what the....... i am doing ny lab report in school nw but i think i dragging my time n i dont want to go down so early... then i can leave like b4 mass or what.. but like arhh.. isnt this a celebration much called for then gg for a mass n feel good with gOd but not with the pple around me.. confused... i am a person that thinks alot and weighs the cost b4 i do anything...

today.. at tut.. irritated.. i asked my classmate abt what was the lecturer trying to explain cuz i dont understand.. then the lecturer called her n asked is there anything wrong.. then she said no.. then she pointed at me.. guess what the lecturer asked me... anything Kenny... i said nothing.. to me is a small matter but my friend deemed that as me saboing her.. is like arhh.... what the hell.... so childish.. then she said go n ask prof urself later.. then i was like this is just a small matter.. what big deal.. but to her is a big deal.. i then took the humble pie n said ok ya is my fault.... i just cant understand.....

Kenny

hi all . . . .

I came across this i find it so meaningful especially duringthis period of lent .

Fasting in Ramadan

God, what am I
But a pale copy
Of the true ascetics?
A lesson in humility.
Only under such heat, such thirst,
Does the soul realise
The body is just a mirage.
Forgive me, God, for Crossing the dates on the calendar,
Numbering thirty days of abstinence;
For observing how muchTemptation surrounds me.
The tap's mouth glistens even though
It is only my eye that has polished it.
And it is only my longing That saturates the colour of apples,
That turns a passing scent into form,
Like breaths sculpted in cold weather.
Feasting before dawn.
Each sunrise I fade,Reduced to a mouth, source
Of desire, of the original sin.
And at each sundown, a glassful of water
Travels down my gullet
And turns me solid again:
God, when you breathed life
Into the first man, was that
What answered his craving?
Or did he know then, that
As you fed him, you also gave him
Hunger, a crumb of that world
That you will cast him down into?

Kenny

what a day . . .. .

hello friends..

Wow it is atually so strange to actually so called write my personal diary on line so that everyone can read abt my thoughts and all. However, i guess it is super challenging as i think this is the best way where all of us will be in touch with each other as some would not be able to make it for sharing or sessions.

Currently, i am in my dept computer room all alone there after a project discussion. I was just thinking of what should i share for my reflection today. it is another montonous day in school where i am simply lost in my studies. not knowing what the lecturers were teaching and the speed they taught was like they are rushing to "heaven". as i try to keep myself awake at lectures .. doozing off along the way.. i questioned myself . .hey why am i here for.. what am i doing all these for. then i pondering n thinking. i must praise God for this gift to be able to study as not many pple are given this opportunity. I am not here in NUS becos i am smart. cuz to be frank i am not.. truthfully i am not at all.. it is the grace from God that he has put me in here. so what i truly one from my stay here in NUS?? it has been almost 2 yrs i am there n i will be graduating next april if everything goes smoothly.. it is a question that i am trying to find out. U know what.. this quest "are you gg to be a civil eng?" has been asked by my classamtes to me serveral times today. My ans to them was "NO!"... so then what . . . . .

for me the greatest highlight for my day today was to meet up with my godson for lunch. it is always amazing to hear his sharing as he always tells me that he is growing in his faith n how he is able to see God in his studies and all the things that he is doing. n how excited he is yearning to exp God in his retreat tis weekend. I was like hey "kenny, are you excited for God?" .. many a times my r/s with God is like wow.. he s good today to me n the next day i will go into my self centeredness abt who god is to me. when i am down i will never see God in all these. a very good reflection for me.. i guess i fall into this category of what pple always say"You do not preach what you say". anyway i will carry on.. then he asked me a quest " Do you know why my facilitator asked me to carry a piece of granite everywhere throughout the whole week n bring that same piece of granite for the retreat?" i was like hmm........... i think.... i think... i thought i know the ans but i come to know that i do not know why... at that pt i was like hey i still have alot of things that i do not know.. i realise that i am so limited n God is unlimited..God speaks to us in many ways even through a piece of granite. i have not been listening but hearing ......

i have to stop here.. heading home after this.
i hope my blog make sense.. first time trying this out.. i will share more deeply in the days to come..

Kenny

miracle

HELLO!!


woke up 5mins before mass started today!! failed attempt again..


but anyway on the way home from sch, i was thinking that today has been a day with many little blessings.. amidst my busy-ness, God has reminded me to be more aware of the wonderful frens i have around me, of many simple simple blessings, like the good traffic conditions this morning that allowed me to reach school 40mins before my lecture starts so that i had time to get coffee and sandwich, and sit and talk with my frens..


then i realise that things are different now. remember i used to share that everyday is just another sian day, and i keep sighing? haha! now though im still tired and quite stressed about my to-do list, i've regained my cheerfulness and optimism and suddenly the world seems brighter! (: haha.


share a very nice picture..



my fren took this pic at ECP. and he asked me to help add in a quote.
so now it says "we can only appreciate the miracle of sunrise if we've waited in the darkness."


the quote is very meaningful! if only we've experienced the darkness in our lives can we only appreciate the light. its a very good reminder to all of us who are in struggling in whatever aspect of our lives or suffering in any way, this 'darkness' will soon come to pass in His perfect timing and then we may 'see the light' and fully be thankful and glad.

how do we know what's happiness if there's no sadness?
how do we know what's peace if there's no 'war'?
how do we know what's healing if there're no struggling or suffering?

everything in His time..

hello!

heys everyone..

ok i finally gotten done to setting this up. raymond asked me to set it up about a wk ago.. haha! and i felt that we shld have a blog too! haha! "follow the trend." no la, more importantly, its to promote deeper and more sharings in our community. like what raymond told me, he was saying that if each cell group could have a blog, then the rest of the people can also be inspired by our sharings! then the whole community will grow! somemore, i realise some ppl in the community have their own separate spiritual blogs.. might as well share here right? (:

yup, and i think i share better without speaking. haha. everytime after sharings on sundays i would feel like i nv give justice to what i really wanna share. and somemore, like throughout the week, i'd have some inspiration or revelation then tell myself to remember for sharings for sunday or tues, but in the end i'd never remember and end up with nothing to share during sharings! then stress! so.. blog is good. haha!

so yup, that's all for now. its been a crazy two days, and 3 more crazy days to come before the camp. i gotta get back to lab report-ing!!

morning mass tmr! i must wake up early!!!!

cons*