drenched with his love
reading colin's post on discernment and i ask myself, why does it have to be so confusing? it's like the first post i typed on this blog. how the most obvious thing sometimes just isn't the thing for us and how sometimes, the most obvious thing really IS the most obvious thing. with thoughts like these, it's no wonder we just stand still sometimes, too afraid to go anywhere and do anything. "what if i'm wrong? what if i'm wrong?" but its in stagnant waters that bloodsuckers lay their eggs, right?
you know how sometimes your intentions are totally pure but you can never say the right words or do the right things to make a friend happy? how no matter what you do or say, your friend still will not forgive you, still cannot forget the wrong move you made, the wrong word you said, when all you really wanted to do was to make your friend happy? but your friend can't see all that is in your heart and doesn't know how you yearn to see him/her happy, how you yearn to love him/her the best you can, and the struggles and demons within that you battle.
my experience of god tells me otherwise. it tells me that god is not so petty. it tells me that god sees the depths of my heart and he loves me the same. it tells me that all i have to do is desire him first, is to seek him with my whole heart. sometimes, it's hard to hear his voice, most of the time actually. but god is the almighty. he placed the stars in the sky and he knows them by name. from a distance, he sees the prodigal son rise up from amongst the pigs, his clothes covered in mud. from a distance he ALREADY sees, and he RUNS and EMBRACES and KISSES him. yes, god is not so petty. we may say the wrong words, be confused by the wickedness and snares of evil, choose the wrong paths, but what matters to him is that desire to be close to him, so close that nothing can come between.
we just worry too much, us humans, me shireen, at times. we're too busy worrying, our brows all furrowed, thinking and thinking and worrying and thinking. but there are these times when i just relax my frown and open my eyes wide and let the corners of my mouth turn up and breathe and look around me and i realise that my god, my rock, is right here with me, all around me, in the breeze that makes the leaves dance, in the glorious clouds high above, in reno (my dog) who never fails to disarm me with his smiles, in the kindness of strangers and love of family and friends. and at these times, my heart is only overflowing with praise for god and i just let myself be still for a while, allowing his love to wash over me. his love is constant, whether the skies are grey or black or blue.
lord almighty, how happy are those who trust in you. -Psalm 84:12
-shireen
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