testify to love.

i didnt plan to blog here today, but i read everrrrlynnn's post and was so amazed at the timely-ness of it! haha.

yest, while studying i was very distracted by some haunting questions. how am i fulfilling my purpose in building God's kingdom when im living my life stuck in the library studying in school. so during lunch i shared with my friends and i was telling them that i can say for now studying is my vocation so i will lift up the day of studying as a form of worship and ya, im doing all this not for my own glory but for the glory of God, but that's a very know-in-the-mind kinda thinking and how much of that do i believe in my heart? for all i know, i may be just studying so hard (ok, quite hard la..) just to get good grades to keep the record, or just so ppl will hold me in higher regard or sth. in short, just to glorify myself la.. and that was disturbing.

one of my friends then said that it's in the realisation that it was by His grace that God brought us through this stressful period and being grateful and giving Him the glory by testifying and sharing with people this whole experience, that we are building His kingdom. and i was very struck by this and was very affirmed again, of the power of sharing and testifying to His love.

went for mass yest evening and felt really challenged by fr richards' sermon. he asked us, What do u want from God? What are you praying for? things of this life or of virtues and values that are more important for our life with Christ in eternity. What is our faith rooted in? How do we know if the things we are doing for God are the things He wants us to do for Him?

and he told us to pray more and discern. haha. yes, discern. i was there thinking, 'oh no.. not that word again! i dunno how to discern!!' and haha.. my answer arrived in the form of everlynnn's sharing! (: yayness.

but.. alot of questions to think about..

and erm, im not going for session tmr! mon morn paper i haven finished studying!! die..
no no wun die! cannot die. haha..

drenched with his love

reading colin's post on discernment and i ask myself, why does it have to be so confusing? it's like the first post i typed on this blog. how the most obvious thing sometimes just isn't the thing for us and how sometimes, the most obvious thing really IS the most obvious thing. with thoughts like these, it's no wonder we just stand still sometimes, too afraid to go anywhere and do anything. "what if i'm wrong? what if i'm wrong?" but its in stagnant waters that bloodsuckers lay their eggs, right?

you know how sometimes your intentions are totally pure but you can never say the right words or do the right things to make a friend happy? how no matter what you do or say, your friend still will not forgive you, still cannot forget the wrong move you made, the wrong word you said, when all you really wanted to do was to make your friend happy? but your friend can't see all that is in your heart and doesn't know how you yearn to see him/her happy, how you yearn to love him/her the best you can, and the struggles and demons within that you battle.

my experience of god tells me otherwise. it tells me that god is not so petty. it tells me that god sees the depths of my heart and he loves me the same. it tells me that all i have to do is desire him first, is to seek him with my whole heart. sometimes, it's hard to hear his voice, most of the time actually. but god is the almighty. he placed the stars in the sky and he knows them by name. from a distance, he sees the prodigal son rise up from amongst the pigs, his clothes covered in mud. from a distance he ALREADY sees, and he RUNS and EMBRACES and KISSES him. yes, god is not so petty. we may say the wrong words, be confused by the wickedness and snares of evil, choose the wrong paths, but what matters to him is that desire to be close to him, so close that nothing can come between.

we just worry too much, us humans, me shireen, at times. we're too busy worrying, our brows all furrowed, thinking and thinking and worrying and thinking. but there are these times when i just relax my frown and open my eyes wide and let the corners of my mouth turn up and breathe and look around me and i realise that my god, my rock, is right here with me, all around me, in the breeze that makes the leaves dance, in the glorious clouds high above, in reno (my dog) who never fails to disarm me with his smiles, in the kindness of strangers and love of family and friends. and at these times, my heart is only overflowing with praise for god and i just let myself be still for a while, allowing his love to wash over me. his love is constant, whether the skies are grey or black or blue.

lord almighty, how happy are those who trust in you. -Psalm 84:12

-shireen

go with the flow

ola my fellow seedlings! it's shireen, but don't be too shocked...

i haven't really been blogging ANYWHERE for a while. but anyway, i'm in school now and it's 1035am. i actually took a cab down and reached here about 1020am and though i was late for my 10am meeting (which i am) BUT...

but noone else is here!!! either on their way or overslept or suddenly had "something important". faint faint faint. (!!!!!) haha here's what i'm trying to figure out. you see, i decided to take the 147 from a different busstop today which meant that i had to cross a road at a traffic light. and while i am waiting at the traffic light, i see a 147 stop at the busstop and as i'm crossing the road it leaves and i can't get it in time. (now if i had walked to the usual busstop i would have gotten it). so at 935am, i decided i should take a cab. while i stand there hailing a cab, THREE 147s (or is it four?) stop and go. and then i decide to change my position to get a cab and walk through the HDB carpark to get to the other main road and there coming towards me is an EMPTY cab (which was so weird cos it was just so hard to get a cab!!). now, this empty cab turned into a carpark lot so i thought it was parking...but it reversed out cos it was actually making a three-point turn to go out. (!!! again) by this time, i was wondering...should i just go home? what was god telling me?

why was it that everything i thought i needed and wanted was just infront of me and yet, not meant for me?

finally, i was waiting there when this big cab u-turned and stopped infront of me because the two sneaky people who both wanted to hail my cab were too slow (they appeared from nowhere lar!). apparently the cab driver had been at the coffeeshop on the opposite side of the road and had seen me there for the longest time...

anyway, i reached school and guess what? i was the only one from my group there!! the room was empty. and i was thinking, if i had taken one of those 147s which god had so generously provided (3 or 4 mind you) right infront of me, i would have also just reached school and saved money. if i had taken the first 147 which left the busstop while i was waiting at the traffic light, i would have been too early even though i was late.

this whole situation this morning was just so ironic. people sometimes use this word, suay (how do u spell it??). and i was thinking, i must have been one helluva suay person this morning. but then, is it really suay just cos everything was so near and yet so far and it seemed like i had wasted time and money? or was it that i was just not going with the flow of life? whose flow? to where? do you take the most obvious thing staring at you in the face? is the road less travelled always the way? maybe the road less travelled is sometimes less travelled because it really shouldn't be travelled on. do you know what i mean???

here's my train of thought:

1. god's will = the flow
2. god's will= for my joy and success
(jeremiah 29:11 => For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ")
3. to go against the flow = to go against God's will = to go against joy and success

well, this is my friday morning reflection. and i'll just end of with a prayer.

dear god,

sometimes, i am blind or stubborn and am unable to see your plans for me or to live according to your will. i pray that you teach me to be in tune with your will and live according to it no matter where i am or what the time of day is. teach me to abandon my reliance on the world, on emotions, on words, on intellect. teach me to place all my trust in you, to make all decisions firmly rooted in you. guide my hands, my feet, my heart, my mind so that they are all forever heading in your direction, drawing closer and closer to you. home is where the heart is, lord. you are my home and that is where i have always been, am and will be truly happy, that is where your will leads me. remove all barriers and blockages that deter me from flowing down this river that leads to you. thank you and praise you, father, for always waiting so patiently and lovingly for me to come home. thank you for running a hundred steps towards me for every 1 step which i slowly inch towards to you. thank you for the way you embrace me with the warmth and the light of your love. thank you for the abundant blessings you so generously pour out on me and the lessons you teach me each day through everything in life. lord, let me never be blind, let me not fall into those black-holes, but rather, i pray that i will always be thankful and joyful for you are here with me, loving me constantly. teach me to love you with all my heart, all my soul, all my mind, all my strength and teach me to love my neighbour as myself and to be a neighbour to those you have placed before me. i have so much to learn, lord. i am eager and i desire to let my heart be moulded after yours. come, lord, jesus, make me new, create in me a clean heart.

amen.

love,
shireen