The Road to Calvary

Dear Cellies,

Wow our blog is really growing ! Its so great to read all the posts at the end of a tired and terrible day at work. All the posts in here really keep me going, and holding on to my Lord, who i know carries my cross for me.

Last night, when we watched the Passion of Christ, the part that never fails to touch me is when Mary watches Jesus fall as he carries his cross to Calvary. Theres a flashback to when Jesus was a child and how she rushed over when he fell. The first thing she says is "Im here." I just broke down and cried, because of the love and pain a mother has to go through to see the baby she once carried in her hands being tormented, while still accepting it as the will of God all at the same time.

The reason why this part always touches me, is because of the broken relationship i have with my mother.

I onced shared that my mother and i never had an outwardly loving relationship. When i was 10, i remember i fell down the staircase in my house from the 2nd to 1st floor and instead of asking me "are you ok?", my mother started scolding me non stop for half an hour. The first thing she said was "how can you be so stupid as to fall down the stairs!"

Recently, ive really been struggling with her. She drives me to work every morning, and every morning she never fails to point out something that is wrong with me e.g. "your hair is damn ugly", "your skin is damn bad", "your clothes are so ugly, only you think its nice!" And when i went to the airport to fetch her when she came back from Korea, the first thing she said when she saw me was "You are so fat !" Today at lunch she started her criticism and said "You eat so loudly!"

And i got so tired of hearing her criticisms so at lunch i said "stop". But she didnt, she went on and on and she said "my job is to correct your mistakes!" and when i walked off from the table to the living room to eat, i could hear her still criticizing me in the kitchen and she kept asking my brother "you agree or not? Im correct right?"

It really hurts to know that the one person in your life you seek validation from, the person who gave birth to you never fails to point out everything that is wrong with you and how you are so so so not perfect and not good enough. Which is why when Mary cried, i cried. I cried for the mother i never had, and wish i have.

My whole life i realized is some kind of validation exercise and everytime even when people say "wow you are so lucky ! you studied overseas ! you went to a good JC ! you have a good job!", I still feel "huh? really?" To my mother its still not good enough because i didnt go to a school like Cambridge or Oxford, and i didnt get a scholarship to make her happy.

I guess this is also why im really struggling with a good friend who always tries to "challenge" me because i feel i have to prove myself not just to my mother but even to a good friend.

But as i reflected on the burden of my cross more and more, i thought of the song Complete and how i really pray one day i can see beyond my Calvary. I still thank God that He is there to carry my cross for me, if not the burden of the cross will be worse and I have Him to love me no matter how incomplete, how imperfect or how big a failure i am to my mother or whoever. I really thank God for allowing me to know Him, because if it wasnt for the hope He gives, I really would have fallen into depression a long time ago and contemplated suicide.

Cellies please pray for my mother and her cross too. I know its still a long long walk to Calvary but I really pray that one day we'll both be reconciled in the Lord by His Grace.

God Bless,

Melch