A New Me

I need to pen this down in words, in fear that the feeling will go away tmr. I am awed by your sharing, i am awed by everything which happened today.

in cons' words,'testifying and sharing with people this whole experience, that we are building His kingdom'
My heart is open, my thoughts are true, with this I will know more bout you


Tmr marks the last day I will be at NUS. This week had been a great one for me, that studying at NUS has prepared me well for the exams, but the exp of it all is more fruitful than working for the grades itself

I thank lord for all of you who studied with me, being an encouragement to go for mass everyday, sharing over topics close to our hearts despite our horrendous tasks ahead of us

I thank lord for the openness in heart and mind towards one another.
B4 I came to NUS, I didn’t know much bout ppl, I had my own cognitive mindset of individuals based on how they behave and my past beliefs of things. But all these changed. And I am awed that it took one week to see things in another perspective.

Thank you colin for your sharing with me over lunch the other day. It made me understand things better, about your relationships and the hardship you went through all these years, and sharing with me about the exact feelings you went through during the major quarrel with people in the community last year. B4 that conversation, I was an earthly being thinking you will not understand the struggles I have in my life, now I feel you know more than i think, more importantly you care to listen and speak up your opinions. And I thank you for that for you challenged me the way no one had.

For it opened the flood gates for more pondering along the way,

During dinner at NUS subway today, I met my OCS buddy. First thought which came to my mind was ”Oh no”. not that he has done any wrong against me, but was the ‘ME’ I was afraid to face

So I avoided him altogether, had some surface conversation, excused myself and stroll around the campus. It felt weird, the feeling of avoidance, because I didn’t know why I was doing what I was doing.

Just after the study session, by the grace of god, I was asked by kendrick bout my army experience. I didn’t share about the glamour and glory, about winning awards, winning competitions and stuff, I started off with me being last in class for test, belittled by the rest of the cohort, out casted, out shunned during my days as a cadet. These were issues bout myself I never shared with people before. The feeling of getting outcasted, feeling that you are not good enough really leave a lingering effect on me even till today. that was the real me during army.

Did it start to make me feel inferior?

Feel as if I am not good enough for anywhere

Which made me spin stories, impress people till I don’t know who I am anymore

When I started my 1st term in University, it gives a sense of satisfaction that I was a national cyclist, I got into accident while representing Singapore for some competition when the fact is, I was a young inexperienced rider who injured himself because he did not cherish life enough and wanted to fit in shoes which were too big for him.

Pride gave me short term happiness and long term agony as I divert further and further away from the truth. Not wanting to know who I really am, living a lie all these while

The time in NUS was like a new life altogether. Not lying ( the one at Eusoff hall not counted hoh, I really heard wrongly), carrying my cross, accepting the little to no power I have, leaving things in god’s hands, having quiet time with him everyday, spending quality time with people who don’t judge you, people who laugh with you, people who accept you for who you really are even though he may know that you are lying again ( thanks Kenny☺).

It make me understand more about myself, and come to terms that my deepest regret was lying at times to people who really love me.


Kenny stress over physics, exhausted now and then,the pulling of hair, trying to suffocate himself with his pulloever, Alvin totally absorbed with his assignment, mel Cons totally unstressed at all, Colin’s company during lunch, and deep sharing with me, Kendrick, a new brother who I was glad to be able to talk to, and the one who unexpectedly sparked off this realization of who I am, and the gal who got Kenny all excited today, I guess I am going to miss all of it. I am really awed by how the lord spoke to me this whole week, and end of it all, i thank him for the transformation I see in myself, which affirms me that our lord is here, at our first breath of our day, in times of darkness, in times of joy, and I am most willing to surrender all of my life’s work, myself to you and your work.

Mon is gonna be my 22th birthday. 2 years back, on my 20th birthday, I was alone, with people I don’t really know in Taiwan. And that was one of my most stressful moments during my army days, it was a make it break it kind of situation and I thought I would never make through it. I cried alone in the dark, Feeling unfair, why I had to be given such a heavy responsibility, why I could not enjoy my birthday with my love ones. I said a prayer to the lord. These were my exact words,” if you are really there, deliver me from all these nonsense, I don’t deserve this.” Then a unexpected bunch of people had a mini celebration for me at this small room in an army camp in the midst of a division exercise. I was touched but never thank the lord for it

My 21st birthday was not at some hotel, or at sentosa as i will want, I spent it hiding in my house, afraid to face the world with my hedious face. I wanted the day to pass quickly. then another unexpected bunch of friends turned up at my doorstep. It may not be a grand 21st, but I was touched yet again.

A day later will be my 22th b day. I seriously have nth to ask for.To be able to know you, your descendents, the many ppl today who do your work. There are just too many experiences and too many things which happened within these few mths to say you have never there for me

Thank you for everything. I cannot ask for more.
and thank you all of you, for being there for me all these while

Steven