I DON'T WANT to give my cross to Jesus anymore...

hi cellies, thanks for all your sharings.

just wanted to respond to mel cos what she shared really brought me back to my r/s with my mother too. very similar in the sense that she too was a perfectionist and always expected me to be the best, "the best" only defined in her terms. i too struggled with not having an understanding mother. always wondered since young why i can't have a loving mother like other people. but i think there was one day when she shared about her childhood, about how demanding and perfectionist her own mother was, then only i understood why my mother is the way she is now. her stories of the past and her childhood really touched and struck me because i came to see how she too was so broken and she too had experienced hurts and unacceptance by her mother. and there was still much pain now, perhaps even some unforgiven hurt deep within, when my grandmother is long gone and passed away. but the brokenness in her is sstill not gone, therefore her personality and character is a result of all those painful experiences. and i started to take pity on her instead. she shared that her mother was so demanding that even when chopping long beans, she would be scolded and shouted at for not cutting each and every one of them of exactly the same length! when my grandmother was in hospital, my mother brought home clothes for her, but my grandmother was so mean that she made her go home several times and back again cos she keeps bringing the wrong set of clothes. for my mother, her new marriage life was like freedom at last, to get away from her mother. so what i'm saying is that all those times that she is being mean and hurtful, if we look at it from a point of view that she is just reacting to those hurts, then we will come to realize that it is not us that they're not accepting. it is themselves that they're really not accepting. isn't that how sad? i too still have to put up with her shortcomings now, but it's better cos i don't constantly get hurt thinking i'm not accepted anymore. and of course, praying for her helps alot, both in our perceptions of her and as well as a change in her over long term.

second sharing. haha i realize that the title of my previous post (which was supposed to be from a bible phrase) is wrong! It's supposed to be "the testing of our faith produces perseverance", oh well but "perseverance produces faith" sounds good too, this one is according to the letter of St Paul to the eeever-lynnians, hehe.

ok now to the sharing that i wanted to share about maundy thu and good fri. i really thank and praise God that this year's maundy thu and good fri is the best among all my years as a catholic. not that there is any emotional high (actually in fact there is none). but the whole experience is a certain surety of affirmation og Jesus' presence and realness. u see on maundy thu, i had a super long day in school and was unable to go back early to get changed for maundy thu mass. and at 6.50pm i was still in school, mass started at 7pm. in the morn i asked to be excused earlier but i was not allowed. there was a certain unhappiness within. but perhaps if it was not cos i had to rush, i wouldn't have appreciated mass so much. and the phrase that josh used in their blog came up to me: "inconvenient faith". even when there is desire to be closer to God, faith is indeed inconvenient. for a moment i was tempted not to go for mass, but if i didn't go for mass, then it shows that my faith is really out of convenience. then throughout the whole mass, i jus enjoyed experiencing peace, being receptive to all the songs and readings. and the best part was as i was queueing to receive communion, i felt this urge to say this to Christ: " Dear Jesus, i want to give you my lack of faith and unforgiveness(towards the person who made me stay late). i want to detach from my lack of faith. I WANT TO DETACH FROM MY LACK OF FAITH. and in exchange i want to receive your body, which is my source of life, of strength, of love, of grace, of patience, of perseverance, and esp of faith." in the past i used to take the Eucharist for granted but that evening i started to believe more that the Eucharist is truly our source of everything we need.

then during the movie "passion", the scene where mother mary met Jesus struck me too. first cos i always wondered how come mary didn't cry or wail? wasn't she devastated? didn't she feel pain in her heart? but i came to realize that she was fighting within her to have the faith that God is in control of all this. that in the midst of the mocking crowd, the whipping of the soldiers, the falling down of her disfigured son, she was fighting not to stop all those things cos she was fighting to cling on to her faith in God. really struck me that what great faith she had. she was not overome by everything that happened right in front of her. and the second thing that struck me was Jesus, as he fell on his face, perhaps any other normal person would be thinking: "this is really so painful, this is really too tough, i really dun want to do this anymore, it's too hard, i can't do it." but yet he picked himself up and even told his mother that he's "making all things new". how he chooses to carry his cross in the face of pain, torture and agony. what more discomfort and inconvenience for us? so during the good fri service, again during communion i recalled the evening before my prayer to Jesus. but this time i prayed: "Dear Jesus i DON'T WANT to give you all my crosses anymore. becos by doing that, i am not carrying my own cross, i am not embracing it, i'm jus giving it away so i dun have to carry it. this time Lord, i want to carry my cross, but walking to calvary next to you. which means i want to face the discouragement by my students with you, i want to face the uncertainty of life next to you, i want to face my fears walking with you. becos in carrying my crosses, i can identify with you more and more, in carrying my cross, you are becoming more and more real to me. and in exchange i want to receive your graces to carry these crosses in the Eucharist, i want to receive from this source of faith, of strength, of perseverance, of life, of love. Amen"

It has been the most real Passion to me, as i carried my cross with Jesus. but i still have to learn how to die with Him hanging on the cross. i pray that i will rise with Him on easter resurrection too. Amen. Praise God.

eeever-lynn