what a time to recall.....

it has been so long that i came in to blog.. n what i did was to just read through all the blgs that have been posted.. so what have i been doing.... now i am in the admist of studying my physics to do an online assignment that is due on wed.. guess what josh said to me it is so easy n i thought so then i decided to attempt n read thro the text n i realised that it is not as easy as he describes.. i am struggling to understand it... now i am in a state where i am so fearful that i cant clear this module and my other modules are piling up too.. so where is God in all these.. pple keep telling me stop studying n put God in persepctive in my studies n trust.. the first instant question that came to my mind was that if i have spent so much time to study then why am i still blur in my work .. why am i still so lost n helpless.. the pt is that i feel that i have not spent enough time in my work. . .so what is enough? i cant ans that too.. by my definition... prob that i understand what i am learing... i dont know.. i am drowning in my work.. alot of stress..

so how has lent so far for me in all these struggles... hahha i dont know.. joshua asked me this question " am i doing all these chucrh work out of love for God?" my ans to him was "out of responsibilities" ... i feel that it was something that has kept me sane as what i shared with melt...it is so hard to put God in persepctive... i cant see GOd in my work.... exmas are like round the corner n i am still trying to understand my work.. i am still clinging on to the hope that God will guide me thro... i have also this fear that he will fail all my modules as i have not put him first in my life n how i think i am greater than him.. what a off realisation... hmm...

however, i amlooking forward for thur .. . fri.. sat . .sun,... even today n tomorrow... i am so excited to journey thro this holy week.. this yr it has been one filled with excitement. i hope that i can exp God in the most intimate manner.. how he will n change my persepective of him.. finally... i can say that i have kept to my resolution that i will not fall into the "worst" sin that i have been committing all these while.. the sin that i hate it when i have to run for confession n hate it when i repeat it over n over agin.. the struggle to be pure... praise God that he has given me the grace to overcome it..

the other consolation that i can say is the new responsibility that he has given me.. to be a godpa to another brother .. i think it is indeed a great joy n great experience for me.... whenever i act or do something.. at the back of my mind i always ask myself.. hey are you doing the right thing.. are you suppose to act in this way... the challenge my godson posts to me is really challenging n it beings me to a new height n exp with God.. but i failed terribly very often when i preached the things to him and to those whom i meet, i find it very hard to live by it... it is a super struggle.... but i guess God's grace is sufficient for me...

" We fall down, we lay our crowns.. at the feet of Jesus......"

Thoughts of being a core member is one that is filled with anxiety, fear n uncertainty.. enlightenment?? hahah not yet... maybe this is a call for me to relook into my r/s with God and where i stand as a child of God.. someone said to me with a very good intention n i think it is a good time for me to reflect on it too... " .. . . . .. . i am no where there, like i was before with God . . .. .. " hey i am not taking it negatively.. all comments to me are all taken positively.. so no worries man.. hahahhaha . . . . .. .

hmm... back to my studies now.. God i ask of u to grant me a mind of understanding a mind filled with peace, love n joy......... another 1 hrs time i will have to go for my lecture aleady..

lets walk towards calvary n rise with him on easter...

KeNnY