What are you going to do this week to walk more closely to Jesus?

today as i read my mail, i read the daily email from good news ministry reflection. i was so shock as the very first sentence to the last seems to speak to me so directly.

every mon, i will still feel dreadful about going to school to face my class, cos i cannot control their noise level. tho it seems like a small thing and that every other teacher prob experience the same thing as well, however, it still bothers me alot. and almost every sunday night i would not be able to sleep well cos i would be too stressed thinking about it and worrying about. i've tried many ways of overcoming it. praying to surrender, preparing well, trying to face it squarely, trying to embrace it, trying to forget about it by occupying myself with other activities, trying to trust in God that He will put the right words in my mouth... yet i never seem to be able to overcome this dreadful feeling and sense of inadequacy. it's so tiring that it drains me physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually.

cos i'm so drained and tired, i end up looking for immediate comfort as much as i can, in r/s, in frens, in watching tv, in spending money, in eating.

after i read the email, then i realize that i'm looking for the solution in the wrong place. i was trying to overcome the prob all this while. but no, it is not to be so. wat i shd be looking for, is to find peace and joy in the face of the struggle. and peace and joy, can only be found in God. i have been trying to find the solution, sometimes from God, sometimes from myself. but i shd be looking for God, full stop. i shd jus be looking for God and God only, not looking for God while looking for a solution.

i came to realize that the reason why i struggle so much is not becos i haven't found the solution. it is becos i dun have the peace and joy of Christ to face the struggle. and precisely becos i have experienced wat it means to be in peace and joy in the face of struggles that, now that i can't experience the peace and joy, it is frustrating me, not the struggles.

in the email, they ask: "what are you going to do this week to walk more closely to Jesus?" "what is the obstacle that is preventing me from getting through the struggle with peace and joy?"

another observation i made is also everytime i do something to Jesus (no matter positive or negative), the exact same thing will happen to me in my r/s. if i make more effort to give of myself to Jesus, i will receive more in my r/s. if i am self-centred and neglect Jesus, i will get the lack of attention and feel hurt in my r/s. how ironic, but it is almost always hundred percent accurate.

Dear Jesus, pls tell me how to walk closer with You, Lord. You know how weak i am, Lord. Grant me Lord, pls the strength to even make a conscious effort and decision to choose to seek You and You only Lord. Grant me Lord the peace and joy Lord in facing this struggle Lord. Amen.

Lynn

Time to submit a paper!!!

Dearest Brothers and Sisters in Christ,

It time for me to share this ... I have promised to do so a couple of weeks ago but i hestitated because i was really wondering whether what i am sharing here is really God's Will ... Here I am going to share something that is going to be personal ... It took a Spirit of Courage to share with you about what has revealed to me during my 2 hours of prayer time whether it's really God's will for me to further my studies. To discover God's Will is to really know and discover your desires ... and here's what i have come to discover over that 2 hours... I can't gurantee that this is God's Will but I really need the prayers of the COmmunity to help me to persevere through my 3 - 3.5 years of studies.

But before i continue, I would like to share something about what i learnt in the Men's Group through Edwyn. That prayer from your heart can really touched God's Heart and change your life. Yesterday, during session, I was sharing some of my difficulties of relating to God though my life has been pretty smooth especially in the area of my work ... really have nothing to complain since i have been receiving so much praises from my colleagues (which i really don't know why). But struggle comes because there has been a lot of negative voices from within and i know deep inside me that these are not from God. What happened was that during the closing prayer last night, i felt that i praying from the heart ... asking God to help us to to start looking at our blessings in our lives again and to hear His Voice more and more and true enough, last evening, so many things actually happened ... I began to see my blessings in my life and that God began to reveal to be how blessed I am and to really show me that I am His Beloved Son of the Father... Praise be to God!!! Will share details some other time ... but i have to admit that whatever happened last night was affirmation for me that has given me the green light to go ahead with my studies .. I don't have to worry and i just have to surrender my lousy plans to Him and He will do the rest so long as i do my best.

So here it's ... how I actually discern whether this is really God's Call ... for me, i strongly believe that i have to search my deepest desire and to look into my personal salvation history and God's Purpose in my life .. his purpose of creating me. - be prepared gonna be a long one man ... it's taken from my prayer journal with the Lord.

1. Born with this condition

After going through this major operation, my desire to do this pharmaceutical management course grew deeper and deeper. Taking medication makes a lot of sense to me and by doing so, it changed my perspective of life. This has truly make a disciple of God because it has made more disciplined, has increased my ability to manage my time better.

I always have this deep belief tat I was born with this condition for a purpose and the Lord allowed me to continue my life with long term medication. He could have healed me completely without any medication .. why is it that he allowed it ... i believe this is allowed me to see the value of drugs. That medicinal drugs, created by him through plants etc etc are meant to heal as well and not necessarily thru physical healing that is possible as well. Taking cyclosporine, for instance, is a kind drug that is found in some microorganism... these microorganism is also created by the Lord himself to heal people.

My desire increases has i began to be more interested in the way how drugs are discovered and can really improve the lives of others esp the medicinal chemistry behind the drugs that i take and how it can affect the lives of others.

2. First Encounter

My MSN address ... chem_freak was not there for no reason... and Evelyn would not compose my 21st Birthday Song, with the phrase "Chemistry Freak" for no purpose. But honestly, my chemistry is not that fantastic but i really enjoyed studying this subject.

In any case, my very first encounter with Chemistry was when I was in Secondary Three. I was so inspired by how Mrs Selena Tan, my chemistry teacher taught me back then. My eyes would literally open big big one ... and together with some of my classmates, we would all sit right in front during her lessons.

For those who don't know about me, well, i was from the Normal Academic Class back then. There was one particular test which really shocked me la. I did so well for that test that i topped the whole cohort la (including among express students). My love for chemistry brought me further to pursue a diploma in chemical process technology. Oh ya, moreover, I took part in a chemistry competition in Secondary 3 and i came in second after Ken Mendoza (some of you might know who is he). He's actually from our parish and currently finish his bachelor's in Chemical Engineering in Imperial College. He will be coming back to Singapore for good (most probably la).. in fact, he join us for a period of time (Youthworks then)... Oh ya, the interesting things was that the person who join me in my chemistry competition team was Daryl Spykerman. Daryl Spykerman is now working with Edwyn in CAYC .. such a small world.

Anyway, as i was saying, whilst pursuing this diploma course, i was further inspired by two of my lecturers who taught me Pharmaceutical Chemistry. Wow ... can you believe it after 4 years of graduation, i still can draw the Penicillin molecular structure... I am crazy over this structure la. My love for the Pharmaceutical chemistry grew during tat period.

3. Consolation speaking to Colin Ong

Well, somewhere in February, I knew at that point in time that i had to decide whether i should apply for NUS Chemistry or Pharmaceutical Management - MDIS. Of course, if i have this opportunity i would rather further my studies - full time. Back then, I felt it was so timely since i already had done my operation hence, I wanted to further my studies.

When I had a conversation with Colin Ong and my mother that very day, when I was deciding to do NUS Chemistry or Pharmaceutical Management, my heart seemed to tell me to go ahead with Pharmaceutical Management even though, in my head, i know that NUS Chemistry is more recognized than the private course. That was the first time when i actually experienced what it means when people say ... follow your heart. Well, for those who know me well, i can't sit still for nuts. I must move around one ... to meet people and i am not that kind of person who really likes research. I have been working with NUS for 1.5 years and during which, i was given some opportunity to do polymer synthesis ... and i don't really enjoy it .. though the theory behind really excites me. It's really quite annoying when you spend so much time .. up to about 7 days and you only get a few milligram of products...waste my time man ... i don't have tat patience. As such, NUS chemistry, which usually trains people to be researchers .. working in the lab ..which is not really my cup of tea. Though, in NUS Chemistry, I could actually major in Drug Chemistry but yet i have no inclination to drugs itself.

As for Pharmaceutical Management, it balances both management techniques and laboratory work ... and of course, a lot of drilling into drugs-related modules (which will make me go crazy during the lessons...). As for me, I really hope that after my graduation, if God will, I hope to see myself to work in hospitals or A-STAR .. going into IP Management, Clinical Trials .. etc etc. (more office based rather than in the labs).

In conclusion for this section, the fact that I was able to make clear decision of what is my real desire clearly shows God is kinda of approving me to further my studies. In another words, for me, it was like clearing one obstacle to another step by step.

4. Prayer time (Adoration Time)

I realli hope this is from God Himself. During that time when i was really sitting praying about this ... oh ya, my sole purpose of praying at that time was purely on discerning this ... As i was closing my eyes, what i saw was an image of 3 cyclosporine tablets that went through my throat. It kinda of spoke to me but i don't really know what it means. But i was filled with joy as i saw this ... it could be .. go ahead ... do not worry. To me, it was like an affirmation from the Lord.

5. Season for everything

About 3 - 4 years ago, i applied for this course and was already accepted into it but because of my condition, i had to wait a little while. At that point in time, the season was not right ... there is a season for everything.

Beginning of this year, I felt quite strongly that the time has come and it is much more appropriate to go for it since i had already down my operation. And my situation is so much better than before.

Initially, there were plans for me to pursue it in April 2007 but i realise that it was not timely as yet as I just started with a new job and i still have my confirmation class to finish up with. And it was so ironic that, when I got my offer letter, i was exempted from one of my bridging modules as such, I don't have to start my course early which is supposed to be in early september. But instead mid-september, which the confirmatio camp is over!!! And confirmation day itself is on 23rd September and as long as i finish up all the administrative stuff early, i guess nothing much to be done other than ensuring that parents-&-god parents got our instructions well-communicated.

Through this, I was able to see that everything was already well-planned by the Lord. First, I needed time to settle in with my new job which, interestingly, i was able to settle in pretty fast. Second, that course starts just right smark after my confirmation class is over... and i can say bye bye to my beloved students. Oh ya, the fact that i able to persevere through my desire (3- 4 years)shows that it's really my deep desire ...

6. New Job

Well, having God provided me with this job, which i initially even struggled to leave NUS Chemistry because of some of my initial worries, I can sense that this is truly God's Providence for me.

With this new job, I am much more satisfied and happier than before and truly God always has a better plan. There has been many affirmation from my new colleagues that this would be the best place to study and work ... the stress level is not that high here and God has provided me with a desk location for me to study and pray peacefully.

Moreover, I given very good flexi benefit here .. $600 for me to pay for my book per financial year. And moreover, i am given up to 12 study leave per year ... Cool right? So i don't have to use my annual leave to study for my exams. There is another benefit which I have yet to get the result, that my monthly medical which cost up to about $100 plus and $300 plus (medication via CPF) might be able to claim back ... i am still waiting for approval from the Insurance company which was the arrangement with my current company.

So what were some of my obstacles that i faced initially which I felt that i don't even have to worry because God will take care of them ...

1. Financially Burdened

One morning, during my prayer time, I had a wisdom that came to me and I believe it was from the Holy Spirit. With this thought in my mind, I shared it with my mother yesterday evening about the plans. I felt that there wasn't any much worry for me now ... I will just settle in for the first year and see how it goes and i am not going to apply for any loan which saves me some money from the 3% interest.

Well, last year, was good time where the Lord showed me that He provides especially with my operation... For those who doesn't know, my mother did not have to pay a single cent for her operation as she applied for some scheme. The operation (for my mother and myself), we came up to about $30K and in the end, turn out to be only $5k which we did not have to pay a single cent (cash) but only through CPF. It really teaches me that God really do take care of us ... if we were to surrender our plans to him and not to worry so much la ...

Moreover, the fact that he changed my job so that my salary will increase ... another's another providence for me.

Knowing my character, i know that I am person who need to be disciplined through different situation. For instance, struggling with my medication has always been an issue for me but through the major operation, to me it's really nothing ... it's really small case in my life now... praise be to God ... hence, i felt that the Lord is disciplining me to control and manage my finance well through my desire to further my studies. I believe by going through this finanicial burden God is answering my prayer to learn to spend more wisely than before and manage my finance better.

2. Commitment Issues

The other obstacle which I struggled initially was my many commitments that i am in now. With work, MSC, MSC Core, Men-to-Men, and finally Catechism, i was really wondering how am I going to even cope with my studies, but now, I realised that i do not even have to worry.

As for catechism, as i mentioned earlier ... finishes in September 2007 after my students gets confirmed and i felt it's really time for me to move on after teaching for 9 years.... and i have to really concentrate on the Young Adults of the Parish... especially those who left the church or those who find it difficult to see God in their daily life.

Next, I have already had the opportunity to speak to Edwyn about my struggles of leaving the Men to Men group because I was worried that my faith will be affected since it has helped me greatly in my journey over the past one year plus. But he shared with me that it doesn't matter which group that i am going to be with so long as there is someone in my life that going to journey with.... preferably a priest - a spiritual director ... something that i have to work on soon before i leave men to men for the next 3 years or so.

So that left with me the MSC Core, ... oh well, God is good man ... since i am exempted from 2 modules in my first year, i have more time with MSC still ... as such i only take 2 modules per term hence, i still can contribute much and i don't much lessons for my first year. So God was already answering my prayer even before the course actually starts...

Oh ya ... last but not least, Edwyn did mentioned something which i felt was very important for me... that the support from the people around you especially your family is so important ... with my mother's great support to pursue my studies, I believe i am able to pull through all the way to the end ... so my dearest Community ... must support me with prayer okay?

THE END ... (Finally) ...

With Love,
Your brother in Christ,
Colin Sng

Training

today is friday, cross country day for my school. haven't been reflecting much cos am jus always tired and not feeling well and busy, wat else can it be.

but i jus want to pen down something to think about God again. how easily i forget about God in my life. so near, yet so far. as i recall my horrible week, came to a realization that all things work for good. been drilled about this fact a million times yet, when the actual event comes in my life, it is not as easy as abc to switch into tha mode and jus trust in God. alot of things in our life need training. jus like how kids need training to get from waiting outside the classroom to inside the classroom quietly, they need to be "trained", several times before they really "get it". it sounds absurd but it's really true that we need training. training to get used to God's ways, training to be familiar with God's ways, training to handle things God's ways and training to see things God's ways.

every time we talk about training, i'll think of the refining silver story. there was this blacksmith who heats the silver in the fire, to purify it. he cannot leave it alone for a second, and he has to stay there the whole time the silver is being purified. only when the silver starts to reflect his image is it then truly purified. and we are the silver, being purified in the torture and heat of life, while God the blacksmith is patiently molding and purifying us. till when? until we reflect His image in our lives. it's indeed a tough and hard process, nevertheless, it is necessary.

Lynn

A New Me

I need to pen this down in words, in fear that the feeling will go away tmr. I am awed by your sharing, i am awed by everything which happened today.

in cons' words,'testifying and sharing with people this whole experience, that we are building His kingdom'
My heart is open, my thoughts are true, with this I will know more bout you


Tmr marks the last day I will be at NUS. This week had been a great one for me, that studying at NUS has prepared me well for the exams, but the exp of it all is more fruitful than working for the grades itself

I thank lord for all of you who studied with me, being an encouragement to go for mass everyday, sharing over topics close to our hearts despite our horrendous tasks ahead of us

I thank lord for the openness in heart and mind towards one another.
B4 I came to NUS, I didn’t know much bout ppl, I had my own cognitive mindset of individuals based on how they behave and my past beliefs of things. But all these changed. And I am awed that it took one week to see things in another perspective.

Thank you colin for your sharing with me over lunch the other day. It made me understand things better, about your relationships and the hardship you went through all these years, and sharing with me about the exact feelings you went through during the major quarrel with people in the community last year. B4 that conversation, I was an earthly being thinking you will not understand the struggles I have in my life, now I feel you know more than i think, more importantly you care to listen and speak up your opinions. And I thank you for that for you challenged me the way no one had.

For it opened the flood gates for more pondering along the way,

During dinner at NUS subway today, I met my OCS buddy. First thought which came to my mind was ”Oh no”. not that he has done any wrong against me, but was the ‘ME’ I was afraid to face

So I avoided him altogether, had some surface conversation, excused myself and stroll around the campus. It felt weird, the feeling of avoidance, because I didn’t know why I was doing what I was doing.

Just after the study session, by the grace of god, I was asked by kendrick bout my army experience. I didn’t share about the glamour and glory, about winning awards, winning competitions and stuff, I started off with me being last in class for test, belittled by the rest of the cohort, out casted, out shunned during my days as a cadet. These were issues bout myself I never shared with people before. The feeling of getting outcasted, feeling that you are not good enough really leave a lingering effect on me even till today. that was the real me during army.

Did it start to make me feel inferior?

Feel as if I am not good enough for anywhere

Which made me spin stories, impress people till I don’t know who I am anymore

When I started my 1st term in University, it gives a sense of satisfaction that I was a national cyclist, I got into accident while representing Singapore for some competition when the fact is, I was a young inexperienced rider who injured himself because he did not cherish life enough and wanted to fit in shoes which were too big for him.

Pride gave me short term happiness and long term agony as I divert further and further away from the truth. Not wanting to know who I really am, living a lie all these while

The time in NUS was like a new life altogether. Not lying ( the one at Eusoff hall not counted hoh, I really heard wrongly), carrying my cross, accepting the little to no power I have, leaving things in god’s hands, having quiet time with him everyday, spending quality time with people who don’t judge you, people who laugh with you, people who accept you for who you really are even though he may know that you are lying again ( thanks Kenny☺).

It make me understand more about myself, and come to terms that my deepest regret was lying at times to people who really love me.


Kenny stress over physics, exhausted now and then,the pulling of hair, trying to suffocate himself with his pulloever, Alvin totally absorbed with his assignment, mel Cons totally unstressed at all, Colin’s company during lunch, and deep sharing with me, Kendrick, a new brother who I was glad to be able to talk to, and the one who unexpectedly sparked off this realization of who I am, and the gal who got Kenny all excited today, I guess I am going to miss all of it. I am really awed by how the lord spoke to me this whole week, and end of it all, i thank him for the transformation I see in myself, which affirms me that our lord is here, at our first breath of our day, in times of darkness, in times of joy, and I am most willing to surrender all of my life’s work, myself to you and your work.

Mon is gonna be my 22th birthday. 2 years back, on my 20th birthday, I was alone, with people I don’t really know in Taiwan. And that was one of my most stressful moments during my army days, it was a make it break it kind of situation and I thought I would never make through it. I cried alone in the dark, Feeling unfair, why I had to be given such a heavy responsibility, why I could not enjoy my birthday with my love ones. I said a prayer to the lord. These were my exact words,” if you are really there, deliver me from all these nonsense, I don’t deserve this.” Then a unexpected bunch of people had a mini celebration for me at this small room in an army camp in the midst of a division exercise. I was touched but never thank the lord for it

My 21st birthday was not at some hotel, or at sentosa as i will want, I spent it hiding in my house, afraid to face the world with my hedious face. I wanted the day to pass quickly. then another unexpected bunch of friends turned up at my doorstep. It may not be a grand 21st, but I was touched yet again.

A day later will be my 22th b day. I seriously have nth to ask for.To be able to know you, your descendents, the many ppl today who do your work. There are just too many experiences and too many things which happened within these few mths to say you have never there for me

Thank you for everything. I cannot ask for more.
and thank you all of you, for being there for me all these while

Steven

testify to love.

i didnt plan to blog here today, but i read everrrrlynnn's post and was so amazed at the timely-ness of it! haha.

yest, while studying i was very distracted by some haunting questions. how am i fulfilling my purpose in building God's kingdom when im living my life stuck in the library studying in school. so during lunch i shared with my friends and i was telling them that i can say for now studying is my vocation so i will lift up the day of studying as a form of worship and ya, im doing all this not for my own glory but for the glory of God, but that's a very know-in-the-mind kinda thinking and how much of that do i believe in my heart? for all i know, i may be just studying so hard (ok, quite hard la..) just to get good grades to keep the record, or just so ppl will hold me in higher regard or sth. in short, just to glorify myself la.. and that was disturbing.

one of my friends then said that it's in the realisation that it was by His grace that God brought us through this stressful period and being grateful and giving Him the glory by testifying and sharing with people this whole experience, that we are building His kingdom. and i was very struck by this and was very affirmed again, of the power of sharing and testifying to His love.

went for mass yest evening and felt really challenged by fr richards' sermon. he asked us, What do u want from God? What are you praying for? things of this life or of virtues and values that are more important for our life with Christ in eternity. What is our faith rooted in? How do we know if the things we are doing for God are the things He wants us to do for Him?

and he told us to pray more and discern. haha. yes, discern. i was there thinking, 'oh no.. not that word again! i dunno how to discern!!' and haha.. my answer arrived in the form of everlynnn's sharing! (: yayness.

but.. alot of questions to think about..

and erm, im not going for session tmr! mon morn paper i haven finished studying!! die..
no no wun die! cannot die. haha..

Discernment is not in the big things; it starts in the tiniest of matters in our daily living

hi ppl,

had a very tiring but much better week this week than the last. am so sian now, cos it's sat and i've no plans and it's boring yet i have to mark test papers but i dun feel like and blah blah blah...

last nite had core meeting and i was there slightly late, didn't have a chance to go ado before that. was tired and not really in the disposition to discuss and listen to God. was deciding whether to go for ado first but somehow decided n ot to. how easily i fall into temptation like this and how real that temptation comes one after the other. the moment u fall for one, it becomes easier and easier to fall for another in the next few hours. cos wat happened was, i planned to go for evening mass, but somehow didn't feel as terrible a struggle in work as the previous week, so somehow jus didn't decide to go. felt that it was unfaithfulness on my part, like jus cos i dun really need the peace and quiet, i didn't think mass was that impt and jus didn't put it as priority. and simply allowed other things like work take over precedence. and then when i went to church for meeting, act wanted at least a longer prayer time, but jus didn't make sure i had that cos jus simply allowed myself to "go with the flow". so while waiting for jean, had a chance to go ado a short while and told God that i acknowledge this unfaithfulness and so i will make up for it by going morning mass. again it was tempting not to go, cos when i woke up in the morning, i realize my dad could be using the car. svdp mass ends at 730am and he needs the car at 745am. i'm like: maybe shouldn't go cos i may be late and then my dad will be late. i went back to sleep. after lying down for the next 30 seconds, i know the gnawing feeling that i was going through temptation and it will come one after another and it did, each one more serious then the previous time. so finally i literally pulled myself out of bed and went for mass.

how subtle these things can pass us by. more often than not, we're too caught up with what we feel, what we want to do, what makes us more comfortable that we have no more energy and time to think about being holy to listen to God to do these tiny and seemingly unimportant things. but it's really in listening in these small matters that will teach us and give us the platform to listen to Him in the big matters like vocation, career, marriage, studies, attachment, overseas exchange programmes, holiday job and internships. why is it that we find it hard to discern? cos we thought that discernment only comes in the big matters, but that's not true. discernement must be first experienced and practised in the tiniest matters of our daily living before we really know and understand the workings and movements of the Holy Spirit. To understand the workings and movements of the Spirit is to be able to identify what is God saying when certain events happen in a certain way. how often do we seek His Will in our lives in the tiniest matter? are our lives and our time truly ours to keep, to control, to decide, to dictate, to claim and to possess? What happens to the Holy Spirit living and working in us like wat St paul said?

May God reign in the tiniest matters of our daily living.
Lynn

hi pals!!

tired... shag...deranged after studying

right bout now, mel and alvin are still at central library!

by the time kenny and cons read this, they will be," hiyah, no free ride to sch today!"

10 bucks say i will the earliest again tmr!

anyway i thank god that despite all the tiredness, i am touched by the sharing of collin during lunch today and preaching of father ambrose.

ok collin, don't worry.. u are not long winded mate!
i am quite sure your writing is more structured than some people like ME!!!

hahah!

anyway father ambrose preach bout how we cannot compromise our faith. when there are no 2 ways, either u follow or you don't. he say it in such a affirmed way, it doesn't sound like a warning but his sure speaks great volume


is our relationship with god an angry one??

do we put him in perspective, does he come first in everything?

someone shared with me the other day that even at our death bed, we have to go thru a test, a devil and an angel will come to ask you to choose your path. i was thinking, the devil being so smart will not come with red horns and a skewer as seen in cartoons, neither will he blow out flames, i think he will come in the form our greatest desires in our lives, for some, it may be a promise of a land full of money!, fame! , maybe for me, he will come in the form our Lance Armstrong, asking me to join him for tour defrance...!

ok maybe i have been thinking too much, and its hard to imagine wat will happen at our death bed, my point is, i was challenged today during mass bout where our lord is in our lives. if we are not able to rid ourselves of earthly pleasures, do god's will, putting our lord first in everything, how can we be convinced by wat our returns in heaven is like?

arti fatrti me!

ok yest i was at orchard library. suppose to study there but i spent much, if not all of my time reading TIME mag( they have all the latest issues jean!) and book on 'Renaissance history and art'.


Do you know, that the movement of renaissance period was started by franciscians under St Francis Assicis!

the cross we use for P&W, is an art piece! K maybe you guys are going 'duh....' now, sorry! i was just enlightened today!

anyway prior to knowing the history behind the painting, when i first saw the cross in our room, the first thought which came to my mind was," huh... why the picture cartoon one, he doesn't even look like he is in pain!"

So praise lord, my 'intense study' of ART gave me new insights bout the painting itself. Don't you think that Jesus looks elevated and not pinned to the cross itself-nth can prevent him from doing his works
and his buttocks were enhanced to show the humanity and humility in him, to show that he was one of us and lived like one of us! and died for all of us.

so it wasn't a bad painting, it was done on purpose, an interpretation the artist wanted us to achieve on our own curiosity, so that it will leave a vivid impression in all of us!

anyway if you wanna borrow the book, get it at Orchard Library! since majority 99.9% of Singaporeans are more engrossed in stupid chinese variety shows( ok i am stereotyping ha!) , the book should be available most of the time.

Ok happy studying everyone... gonna zip my mouth for rest of the day, very hard can!



steven!!!

just Me, myself and my I Pod, I mac and so I speak

sth which struck my mind yest during mass.


taken from yest's reflection:
One simple test of whether or not you're living the radically different risen life is your attitude toward money. If you live the risen life, you aren't preoccupied with money. Like Barnabas and other disciples in the early Church, you'd gladly sell your "property or houses" for the Lord (Acts 4:34). It isn't a problem to tithe and give alms, for you're more concerned with the welfare of the needy than with possessions (Acts 4:34).

Risen life is completely different than life before the resurrection. The difference is even more striking than the contrast between the murky darkness of the womb and the dazzling brightness of sunlight (see Jn 3:3). Risen life is radically different from "non-risen" life. To a person not living the risen life, understanding risen life is like a child in the womb trying to understand the wind outside the womb (see Jn 3:8). They probably can't understand why someone would tithe, but they do hunger for the joy, newness, peace, and freedom they see in those who truly live the risen life.(remember to include ur name AND label at the end!!)

I felt a set of mixed emotions when i saw the word 'money!'

happy cos i know money does not satisfy my thirst, but who am I lying to when I have my materialistic wants! like the new I Pod Video (HD), a new I mac, my CK underwear and Polo Ralph shirt! how to get them if i don't have money!

But i learned yesterday that those of the disciples who were rich like barnabas and st francis assicis, sold everything they have in possessions to follow our lord!

Of cos we are not called to beg on the streets now... but i was thinking in line of materialistic wants in our lives. i feel short changed! didn't go for Jonathon pele's talk the other day! will someone like to share?

steven!

i have a verbal diarrhoea

i have so much to share now! cos kenny, melt and alvin make me shut my mouth at library today :I

collin! you had your dinner? sorry was studying... haha ph was on silent. anyway join us for lunch again tmr! n no more jap food can! the rice cheap quality one! and the milk shade taste and look gross! hahha k i shd not complain. or i will be asked to shud dup again!

anyway today was just beautiful... somehow i always come back to the jungles very happy when i study at nus, unexplainable! just felt the time will always be well spent and i feel closer to our lord after every study session. and guess its all thx to you you and you! yes you! who is reading this right now, who is awed by the power of faith and community too!

we went for mass at holy cross. like eve, it felt good to be thr after a day's work, after a day of studying which was actually not stressful at all! unexplainable! maybe cos being with u guys serve as a reminder to 'let go', don't get get stressed up and let god take care of my studies! anyway somehow it feels diff to go mass with the community as compared to going alone! even though i was told once that mass is the personal time betw u and god(any opinion on this?)... but it feels good to have friends who u really care about ard! and the dinner which is packaged with it! i won't mind travelling from 1 end to another just to rekindle that feeling.

today's homily left me thinking bout wat it takes to be a christian, and how i can make a diff to the rest of the world! ok actaully this challenge was posed by father fred to the 4 ppl in black shirts today! and no! tmr we gonna wear hot pink k! well anyway i haven't thought bout today's homily yet... hopefully will have some juice to think later

so today was really well spent. all the way from the time i caught my 1st conscious time to the time we parted at the bus stoP! i just feel so gd now!! argh,
es
anyway my exam is on wed not tmr! pray for me! and ye! see u guys same place tmr!

steven on 100% feel good pill!

Humility is not enough...

hey good morning ppl (altho it's 9.30pm at nite now)

thanks cons for researching for us on the blood and water thing. shed more light on us now, it's brighter ard here, hehe.

this morning as i went to school, dunno why instead of the usual monday blues, i felt different. i felt as tho there was really nothing much to worry and be stressed about, tho previously i was stressed that other teachers were having an expectation on me to keep my class in check. but today, i simply took a step back. tried to go into class with as empty a mind as possible. trying to take a step of faith, to listen as intently as i can to the promptings of the Holy Spirit. it was great. i could be myself, and i felt happy being myself. even tho i think the other teachers might have frowned upon the way i conduct my lesson. but i have learnt not to take other's people opinions too seriously. ultimately, wats most important is what is the Will of the Father, more than the opinions of others.

went for evening mass at our church. one of the very nice moments spent with God. Thank you Father God. jus felt so good to be at mass, could jus feel His presence and warm, loving embrace and love for me. nothing else in the world mattered. during mass, the responsorial really struck me: "Blessed are they who trust in the Lord." indeed, blessed are they who totally entrust themselves, their lives, their work, their studies, their plans to God. How often in our lives do we ask, "Lord, i want to do this, but is this your Will for me?" how often do we place ourselves and what we want way above what God wants for us, eg in the decisions we make everyday, in the places we want to go, in the modules we want to do, in the way we spend our time whether to sleep, study, go out or go mass.

i thank God that today i felt and understood a little more, what it means to carry my cross, yet surrender it to Christ. To carry my cross, is to face, endure, accept the fear, anxiety, pessimism, the lack of courage and disappointment and discouragement when we are stressed. and to surrender is to admit and accept the fact that i have no control over the things in my life. that is a scary situation. yet trusting in Him that He will provide everything. and that doesn't jus take humility. It takes GREAT humility.

hope u understand wat i'm saying cos i'm quite sleepy rite now. Praise God for allowing me to encounter Him again in the solemn-ness of His presence at mass today.

eve

blood and water that flowed from his side

HEYY!! haha. remember our blood and water discussion?
i searched online and saw a few explanations. but think this one is the simplest to understand. lesser medical terms.. hahaha.

MEDICAL EXPLANATION

"the flogging Jesus endured most likely caused hemorrhagic fluid to build up in the space between the ribs and the lung. The spear thrust below the lung, evacuated this fluid first, which was then followed by a flow of blood." - taken from lectionarystudies.com

hemorrhage = internal bleeding.

SYMBOLISM

ok, but this website goes on to say that actually the main point that st john wanted to bring across in his gospel was that "Jesus died and he died in a way testified by scripture: they gambled over his clothing, no bones were broken and he was pierced ...... Jesus died the death of a real human person. He wasn't some spiritual apparition, a divine being pretending to be human. Nor was he not quite dead, able to revive in the tomb and wander around for forty days until his wounds got the better of him. No, he died the death of a real flesh and blood human person. "

The outpouring of Christ’s Life for us, represented in the blood and water which flowed from His pierced Heart, continues in the Church, especially through the sacraments. The Church has always seen in the water and blood which flowed from the Pierced Heart of Jesus a sign of the Sacraments of Baptism and the Holy Eucharist, by which we come to life in the Church through the outpouring of the Holy Spirit into our souls, and by which the life of the Holy Spirit dwelling within us is nourished by the Heavenly Food which is the true Body of Christ. (taken from catholicculture.org)

"On the Cross, blood and water flowed from Jesus' side, not blood alone, but blood and water. At the altar ..(the priest prepares).. the cup for consecration. First the wine and then a drop of water. The water symbolizes you and me. He prays: "By the mystery of this water and wine may we share in Christ's divinity who humbled himself to share in our humanity." The drop of water disappears into the darkness of the wine, blood red." (taken from catholicpeacefellowship.org)

Hi all!!

I think this post has been long overdue. Sorry I am a dory! It only occurred to me during my planning for the summer break that if I do not enter this post now, the things I gonna share now may never resurfaced again, and will just become part of ‘garage’ part of the memory.

Easter pass and gone. Guess it has’t been an easy one for me-struggling with faith and where my priorities lie, and you for the many questions which cause much distress

Just when I thought Community is just a social club, thank you Collin whose sincere questioning of my experience changed my perspective of community altogether. I realized that I was using a cognitive perception of people from the start, which hindered my judgement all along. As I reflected over the beautiful sharing the lord has given us the other night, I humbled myself to admit that the reason of me not getting the most out of community is cos I don’t know much bout it in the first place.

–why should there be a community?
-why a need for sharing
-is it just a club for us to feed our emotional wants?

I was awed by how these questions were vividly explained to me that night, most of the answers to my qualms and expectations were unveiled.

With this, I praise lord for the time spent guys at coffee bean. Despite the fear of exams which are drawing near, its amazing how I felt good after that gathering. You get what I mean don’t you, the ‘man… I am so guilty I should be at home studying’ kind of feeling’. But we just put everything aside and discuss about issues which are close to our heart. That was definitely more fruitful than studying.

Last week, a friend asked me bout my experience during Easter. I had so much to tell, all the way from the start of lent, to the night of holy Thurs and eater vigil. For many who share the faith, Easter may just be at day by its own, and its hard even for them to understand why one will put himself into so much ‘trouble’-traveling by cab to and fro to attend station of cross, attending daily mass, trying to balance sch work and faith when it seems relatively simple to many, its simple-faith shall take the backseat,

And the unexplainable love, sadness, struggle, happiness-mixed emotions just propelled me this whole week


As Emily tan has said in his post-This exam is the best I ever had - not cos it is easy but cos of the struggle, to put faith first, and me putting our lord into perspective


I super enjoy myself during the studying process. (I found this beautiful place to study at NTU!!! WOW!


See super beautiful! its actually an amphitheatre, the acoustics is excellent! super good venue to jam, or hold a play. love this place lots, hope to perform here one day! but now, it shall be study!!

Steven!

Strong Faith produces Humble & Genuine Service

Dearest Friends,

Last evening, some of us attended another session with Mgsr Eugene Vaz on St. Luke Gospel. We were covering Luke 16 - 18 last evening and partial of 15 as well. I really enjoyed the lesson last night as i begin to understand more and more of how MEV teaches his lesson and it teaches the power of faith.

"When you have faith, you do what faith requires of you, not for gratitude but of humble service"

"And when you are in service, you don't look for thanksgiving or appreciation."


In Luke 17:5, the Apostles ask the Lord to increase their faith. However, Jesus replied saying, "Unless you have the faith of a mustard seed, "... what does it actually mean ... it dawned upon me last evening, that faith is not quantitative but it is of depth and qualitative. We should ask the to deepen our faith rather than to increase our faith because it can never be increased in the first place. It has to be strengthened. This bring me to mind of the foundation that Jesus mentioned. That our foundation has to be rooted in Him so that when the storm comes to our lives, we will continously and faithfully trust in Him.

Well, I really have to thank the Lord as to how he has taught me so much about servanthood. We are caught to be dignified servanthood not slaves ... can you see the difference? I really thank God for teaching me so much about servanthood through my previous job in NUS, Chemistry. I felt i was treated like a undignified servant because I don't see it as a responsbility or duty that God has entrusted me. I was not really happy doing what i did. But today, the Lord showed me more and more about my responsibility as a child of God each day. Service to others has become a joy for me each day as i go to work and I really want to thank God for that. But i have to admit that God is still purifying me in this area but because i have been praised by so many people in my new job due to efficiency (surprisingly man ...) .. and being organized. I also have to thank God for allowing me to go through my major operation as it was through my major operation that i learnt the importance of time management. Due to eh major operation, I had to take my medicine timely (with or without food) and hence, managing such a time is of great importance.

It is with responsibility in my job that I have learnt what genuine service is all about and I believe it has alot to do with my recognition that my identity lies deep inside me as the beloved Son of the Father.

"My Loving and Perfect Father has a better plan ... trust in Him."

With regards to my job, I also would like to share something that is pretty deep here. Two days ago, I was sharing with one of the men in the Men's group about my job. I was sharing how blessed I was as I was given this new job .. it's really a great blessing from the Lord. In fact, a number of my colleagues who worked there for quite some time and even those who worked for 10 years can tell me that this is the best place to work because of the environment and the welfare here. It is indeed true that the welfare and environment here is really good. The people are very friendly and hardly have i heard of any political issue happening. My perception of working life has changed dramatically because of this job.

It is through all these that I have learnt from my loving perfect Father that He has a better plan for each and everyone of us. As mentioned earlier, there was this other men in the men group who i was sharing with. He too started a new job on the same day as me and he shared with me how he realised that God has a better plan for each of us. When he shared his strong with me, it dawned me that God really has a better plan and sometimes we try to run away from the better plan because we feel that his so-called better plan is not as good as our own plan. Before i left NUS Chemistry, i was clinging on to the fact that i wanted to stay put in that job because i was so used to that job and i felt quite comfortable there already. I was worried about starting from scratch because it took a year to start from scratch from the previous job. I was worried about so many silly things and yet I was all wrong because there's truly nothing to worry about. All my worries has been taken care of. I have friendly and approachable boss and i was able to pick up the job so fast that there were wonderful comments from colleagues telling me that i am like one who worked in IMRE for many years. Praise be to God .. Through all this, i learnt that God indeed has a better plan for me and everyone else as well.

However, this morning as i was bathing, something came to mind and i felt that the Lord was challenging me something that I found it difficult to do so. It was as good as telling me, look my son, i have well-taken care of you; whatever worries that you have encountered initially was all well taken care of - that also includes your studies... i have provided you a comfortable, conducive and peaceful location for you to study part time while you are working. This was i felt my dearest Father in Heaven was telling me ... and then He continue, you have seen it ... can you trust that your love-life relationship will be taken care by me despite all your worries. Trust that I have a better plan for you ... trust that I will provide you what you need in your life.

Well, a couple of months ago, i wrote a 1.5 page of letter to Janice and I told her that I am struggling about the relationship thing. But I told her that i would like to take a step of faith in God that God has a better plan for me and that if this is not God's will that I actually asked her to pray for me that i will have the strength to let go of her. I have to admit that the prayer seemed to work for me now more and more as i realised that I am able to let go slightly more and more and I began to realise that i am more open now. But seriously, i really don't know what God has installed for me .. but i just have to trust in His Divine and Perfect Plan .. because He loves me dearly.

The last thing i would like to share with you guys is that ... if you are struggling with your faith or your personal identity as a Child of God. This is what you can do ... you could actually start sharing your faith with others because it is through that .. sharing your faith story that you are able to relive that faith again by the power of the Holy Spirit. This was what exactly happened today as I was affected by some comments and i was shaken. But I kept telling myself that i should not be affected by it but to cling on the fact that I am beloved son of the Father. And then as i was sharing my faith story during lunch with an old friend, I began to recall so many blessings in my life ... So, BASIC, starting spreading and sharing your faith with others and you would be amazed how your very faith would strengthened and deepened because the Holy Spirit will remind you the many blessings that you probably foget at times...

Praise be to God!!!!

Thanks.

With Love,
Your brother in Christ,
Colin Sng

come as you are.

HELLO! haven shared in a while. haha..

today, i finally had the last test of the semester! feel ABIT relieved, less stressed now, but no need reminders that exams are in just two weeks time!

i called home just now to offer to buy dinner for everyone, and when i came home i was quite irritated that my sister just opened the door for me, didnt even look at me and went back to her computer. no word of thanks, no help to bring the food to the table, no nothing. my dad was a different story la, he was very grateful to me for getting dinner for them and refunded me money somemore. so i left the food on the table, and my dad came after a while and took my sister's food and served her where she was in front of her computer and playing the guitar la. and i was ABIT gvanofug (rubbish word, cos i dunno how to describe what i felt), i mean, she stay home whole day can at least go buy dinner SOME days or something so that ppl tired from work or sch can just come straight home, BUT she's the kind that WUN ever do that. yea. so i was gjaglajsl. ya. but i know my dad was just being his usual nice loving dad la, serve her food, thank me "very much" and watever.

it was then i realise, i do things not PURELY out of love but also cos i feel obliged to. cos if i did it out of love, i wouldnt feel as though my sis and i had to have an equal share in the 'workload'. i ALWAYS feel 'why do i have to do this and she doesnt have to?' and its quite dumb cos it's not as if my parents tell me to do things, sometimes i even offer on my own accord la. its quite weird. like i know, if i didnt buy dinner home today, my dad would have to go buy, and i feel quite bad cos it's not as if we're still little kids or anything. also, being the eldest i think my parents placed a different set of expectations on me, i dunno if it is different expectations cos im the eldest, or they've set different expectations based on our individual characters la.. but all the same, i feel like im expected to be the good and obedient one, no need to worry my parents, expected to do well in school, expected to massage my dad, expected to offer to buy dinner/lunch whatever, etc.. so with all these perceived expectations, i do all the things i feel obliged to, just to 'keep my parents happy with me'. i think its subconsciously that, but i dun usually feel i have to do that if not my parents will kill me or anything la. but i think the root cause of this whole perceived expectations leads to the yearning to be approved by my parents or anyone else for that matter.

then i was very affirmed cos throughout the whole time those thoughts ran through my mind, i suddenly felt at peace with myself, no longer irritated with my sister, i should just accept her as she is, changing her for the better is another thing, but acceptance is the first step to being at peace with myself and with the people around me. also, im again strongly reminded that God our father loves me too much, even though he may be like any other parent who 'expects' me to be good and obedient and etc, but his love is so perfect that even though i may not reach his standards which i will never will, He still loves me PERFECTLY, (haha, eve's previous post), JUST AS I AM. (: i just have to 'come as i am'.

similarly, i have no need for human approval, cos i should be secure in God's love. so yup, now's the time for me to share that Love He has given/shown me to the people around me. (:

praise God.

"Do you love me as much as you think you can, never mind it being imperfectly?"

oh my gosh, harlow people. i'm sup to come home to do work, set mid-year exam papers, but got so hooked onto reading our blogs that i had to share too. exam papers, pls wait.

every sunday at about evening time six plus, i'll feel super sian, cos monday is going to come again. the dreadful day of meeting a particular class of students is going to come again, the defeated feeling of not being able to control them and make them keep quiet and motivate them will once again dampen my spirit and motivation for teaching once again. every week i live through this ordeal. no exception last night.

but this monday morning, recalling that i had a wonderful easter experience, i tried to take things differently. if i had an experience and encounter with God, surely that must change things in my life? so surely, that change must start today? i walked into class, being very conscious that i had been placing expectations on that bunch of students, expectations that were way too high for them to reach, way beyond them. i was not meeting them at their level, but was hoping that they will rise up to meet where i am. so i tried to be very conscious that i should lower my expectations, close one and a half eye to whatever i normally would not accept. i don't know if such attitude of mine will do them more harm or good, but i have no other choice but to try. i can only tell from the fruits (if any) of this decision.

after the lesson, i went to the toilet (where inspirations find it easiest to sink into me), and i thought about how disastrous it would be if God had expected me to be perfect, because i know i am not. then i recalled the passage about Jesus asking Peter thrice "Do you love me?". the first two times, Jesus was asking "Peter, do you love me like i love you, perfectly?". but the third time that Jesus asked, Jesus was really asking, "Peter, do you love me as much as you think you can, never mind it being imperfectly?" I felt like Peter. (my gosh, just as i'm typing this sentence, the song from the blog played: "Lord, i'm amazed by you, how you love me. How great is your love for me!") and i learnt that these kids are really still grasping and groping around for guidance and direction, this is really the time when they make the most number of mistakes. how i feel so called to be super patient and accepting. i pray that God will increase my patience and acceptance for them and teach me how to guide them.

Praise God.

Ever-lynn

God is good.....

i am so tired, thinking of taking a nap but i just cant sleep.. the whole event of the mass that i just attended was running in my mind n i cant stop but think about the whole celebration. it has been so long since dont know when, God Knows, that i feel connected with God at mass. Although i tell myself that i must try to see God at mass but things did not impact me at all. am i just too occupied with my own thoughts n ideology about things. Easter tridumn this yr, i looked forward to exp God in my life or even just to get a glimpse of God's love but that didnt happen. Easter vigil, theortically seems to be so meaningful with the darkness, the light of christ, the salvation history, the bells, the easter song, the allueia n the gloria but this yr i didnt strike me at all... i went in for mass hoping to get something out of it again i didnt.. why... i was panicking and i dont know what happen to me.. i was like how... sunday.. i am gg to be godpa to kendrick. how unprepared i am.. plus the recent appointment of being a core member... like arhh how can i be like this . . .o man.. is it school that has caused me to be like this... arhh... i dont know... questions like what marcus asked "do all of u feel high with God at mass", "wht is a christ encounter"..... they really haunt me.. i start to doubt.. why Christ has to die, why he is risen... arhh.... someone pls help me..

BUT today, at the baptism mass, everything was revealed to me. I literally can feel the spirit of God moving in the whole church despite being in a non aircon church, with a tie n long sleeve...i feel the peace and joy within my heart n the assurance once again that he is real n present in our lives. Fr paul homily was amazing as he said that God is risen n we are living our everlasting life now on earth. He also mentioned that the reason when pple served in ministries they act exp God in all the activites and how God works in all these areas. (that is what i remembered.. did i remember correctly???!!!)

When we entered into baptism.. wow. it strike me the most .. i tell u.. i literally was brought back to my own baptism n how have i said yes o God.. i also witness how so many pple are touched after the baptism.. how the pple around me like kendrick's journey kakis n himself were so excited for baptism... dont know what it entails.. that is the faith they desire.. the next quest i asked myself "where is my desire ?" i dont hav an ans to this quest but i was lifted up by their faith n action.... the whole celebration was so siginificant to me... i even witness adults tearing after baptism.. amazing.... i was so awed.. really awed.. i actuall stoned quite a bit at mass.. i dont know what to tell God.. hahaah hey are you all lost in my sharing... pls dont they are just vry random... just thought of sharing. I believe this exp has helped me to realised God's love for all of us n how pple desire to know him.

As i walked back from the train station, i was like wei... back to reality.. i just didnt want to come down from that estacy with the Lord.. slowly the thought o exams are creeping into my mind, when i josh msg me to ask me for physics past year paper. when my godson asked me where i am gg?? i said home ... to study?!?!? PHysics.. exams???? o man.. it is so real that i must lived my faith in the world n not contained it in a box.. i was like ok... hmm.....

Praise God for the experience . . . . . praise God for all my love ones, my friends like all of u....all the things that he has given me, blessed me with n are still giving me... Congrats Godson.... on the day of your baptism n confirmation.. hope that the conversation will slowly begin from ur heart.. that includes me too... hmm.. have to it my books now.. but i know that he will be with me..

When you embrace your crosses, you embrace Christ

hey ppl take a look at this, quite interesting.

eeever-lynn

questions

i have some questions. maybe you guys can help me. evelyn has already answered one of them in her own way. your sharings will be great! =)

going for mass is a communal affair but it is also a very private one. what do we say before mass? when the priest raises up the eucharist, what is running through our minds as we bow our heads? when we are preparing to go up for communion, what do each of us say or do? what are we praying for or about? what are we saying to jesus? as we are walking along, waiting in queue for our turn to stretch out our palms or stick out our tongues to receive the eucharist, do we continue that prayer? or what? when we reply, "amen", what goes on in our hearts? as we walk back to our seats, what is happening? and when we are praying in silence after communion, has the conversation changed from before communion? when we kneel down in prayer after mass, what is that prayer we are saying?

when we go to the adoration room for our own silent time, each of us has our own style regarding how we spend that time. how do you spend yours? are you just silent? are you reflecting on anything in that silence? are you singing praises in your mind? do you read the bible? or some reflective book? or say a repetitive prayer, the rosary, divine mercy? or sleep?

i'm just very curious about all this. because there are times when it's quiet and i just don't know what to do. my mind wanders off and i get distracted. and then i get distracted with how i am going to fill up that time, or with my legs cramping up, or something. all i want to do is spend some proper time with jesus! your sharings or suggestions will help! please advice!

and can someone tell me once and for all the stand about holding hands during our father?

-shireen

I DON'T WANT to give my cross to Jesus anymore...

hi cellies, thanks for all your sharings.

just wanted to respond to mel cos what she shared really brought me back to my r/s with my mother too. very similar in the sense that she too was a perfectionist and always expected me to be the best, "the best" only defined in her terms. i too struggled with not having an understanding mother. always wondered since young why i can't have a loving mother like other people. but i think there was one day when she shared about her childhood, about how demanding and perfectionist her own mother was, then only i understood why my mother is the way she is now. her stories of the past and her childhood really touched and struck me because i came to see how she too was so broken and she too had experienced hurts and unacceptance by her mother. and there was still much pain now, perhaps even some unforgiven hurt deep within, when my grandmother is long gone and passed away. but the brokenness in her is sstill not gone, therefore her personality and character is a result of all those painful experiences. and i started to take pity on her instead. she shared that her mother was so demanding that even when chopping long beans, she would be scolded and shouted at for not cutting each and every one of them of exactly the same length! when my grandmother was in hospital, my mother brought home clothes for her, but my grandmother was so mean that she made her go home several times and back again cos she keeps bringing the wrong set of clothes. for my mother, her new marriage life was like freedom at last, to get away from her mother. so what i'm saying is that all those times that she is being mean and hurtful, if we look at it from a point of view that she is just reacting to those hurts, then we will come to realize that it is not us that they're not accepting. it is themselves that they're really not accepting. isn't that how sad? i too still have to put up with her shortcomings now, but it's better cos i don't constantly get hurt thinking i'm not accepted anymore. and of course, praying for her helps alot, both in our perceptions of her and as well as a change in her over long term.

second sharing. haha i realize that the title of my previous post (which was supposed to be from a bible phrase) is wrong! It's supposed to be "the testing of our faith produces perseverance", oh well but "perseverance produces faith" sounds good too, this one is according to the letter of St Paul to the eeever-lynnians, hehe.

ok now to the sharing that i wanted to share about maundy thu and good fri. i really thank and praise God that this year's maundy thu and good fri is the best among all my years as a catholic. not that there is any emotional high (actually in fact there is none). but the whole experience is a certain surety of affirmation og Jesus' presence and realness. u see on maundy thu, i had a super long day in school and was unable to go back early to get changed for maundy thu mass. and at 6.50pm i was still in school, mass started at 7pm. in the morn i asked to be excused earlier but i was not allowed. there was a certain unhappiness within. but perhaps if it was not cos i had to rush, i wouldn't have appreciated mass so much. and the phrase that josh used in their blog came up to me: "inconvenient faith". even when there is desire to be closer to God, faith is indeed inconvenient. for a moment i was tempted not to go for mass, but if i didn't go for mass, then it shows that my faith is really out of convenience. then throughout the whole mass, i jus enjoyed experiencing peace, being receptive to all the songs and readings. and the best part was as i was queueing to receive communion, i felt this urge to say this to Christ: " Dear Jesus, i want to give you my lack of faith and unforgiveness(towards the person who made me stay late). i want to detach from my lack of faith. I WANT TO DETACH FROM MY LACK OF FAITH. and in exchange i want to receive your body, which is my source of life, of strength, of love, of grace, of patience, of perseverance, and esp of faith." in the past i used to take the Eucharist for granted but that evening i started to believe more that the Eucharist is truly our source of everything we need.

then during the movie "passion", the scene where mother mary met Jesus struck me too. first cos i always wondered how come mary didn't cry or wail? wasn't she devastated? didn't she feel pain in her heart? but i came to realize that she was fighting within her to have the faith that God is in control of all this. that in the midst of the mocking crowd, the whipping of the soldiers, the falling down of her disfigured son, she was fighting not to stop all those things cos she was fighting to cling on to her faith in God. really struck me that what great faith she had. she was not overome by everything that happened right in front of her. and the second thing that struck me was Jesus, as he fell on his face, perhaps any other normal person would be thinking: "this is really so painful, this is really too tough, i really dun want to do this anymore, it's too hard, i can't do it." but yet he picked himself up and even told his mother that he's "making all things new". how he chooses to carry his cross in the face of pain, torture and agony. what more discomfort and inconvenience for us? so during the good fri service, again during communion i recalled the evening before my prayer to Jesus. but this time i prayed: "Dear Jesus i DON'T WANT to give you all my crosses anymore. becos by doing that, i am not carrying my own cross, i am not embracing it, i'm jus giving it away so i dun have to carry it. this time Lord, i want to carry my cross, but walking to calvary next to you. which means i want to face the discouragement by my students with you, i want to face the uncertainty of life next to you, i want to face my fears walking with you. becos in carrying my crosses, i can identify with you more and more, in carrying my cross, you are becoming more and more real to me. and in exchange i want to receive your graces to carry these crosses in the Eucharist, i want to receive from this source of faith, of strength, of perseverance, of life, of love. Amen"

It has been the most real Passion to me, as i carried my cross with Jesus. but i still have to learn how to die with Him hanging on the cross. i pray that i will rise with Him on easter resurrection too. Amen. Praise God.

eeever-lynn

Mother's Love ...

HI Friends,

I am going to try something different today (do you consider this is as creative and something unique haha ...) ... I am going to reply the post that Mel Chen has shared. Mel Chen, you are indeed very courageous to share the other side of you and i really want to thank you for that. I am so glad more and more people are sharing so openly and honestly. And i guess in doing so, it helps us to remember that we are not alone in our struggle.

Anyway, to my dearest sister, Melissa Chen, i can really relate to you when sometimes my mother tries to correct me. Well, personally, to me it is like imposing her teachings upon me. But i do admit that though these are some words that really hurt me, I have to admit that she tries her best to show her love and concern for me. I also can understand taht she's pretty a broken person and what's more she's a human. I have come to slowly accept her brokenness but whenever she gets so frustrated and she tries to overprotect just because of my medical condition and me being the only child, I will get even more angry. I guess it has alot to do with her brokenness hence she do feel insecure since my father is no longer around for her.

Actually, as you are sharing the 'staircase' story with us, I guess that's where you need to ask the Lord to heal that particular area of your life. To ask the Holy Spirit to bring you back to that aspect of your life to heal those areas.

We will continue to pray for you and your mother ... hang in there and God will bless you as you pray about it...

Take care and God bless.

With Love,
Your brother in Christ,
Colin Sng

Colin Sng

The Road to Calvary

Dear Cellies,

Wow our blog is really growing ! Its so great to read all the posts at the end of a tired and terrible day at work. All the posts in here really keep me going, and holding on to my Lord, who i know carries my cross for me.

Last night, when we watched the Passion of Christ, the part that never fails to touch me is when Mary watches Jesus fall as he carries his cross to Calvary. Theres a flashback to when Jesus was a child and how she rushed over when he fell. The first thing she says is "Im here." I just broke down and cried, because of the love and pain a mother has to go through to see the baby she once carried in her hands being tormented, while still accepting it as the will of God all at the same time.

The reason why this part always touches me, is because of the broken relationship i have with my mother.

I onced shared that my mother and i never had an outwardly loving relationship. When i was 10, i remember i fell down the staircase in my house from the 2nd to 1st floor and instead of asking me "are you ok?", my mother started scolding me non stop for half an hour. The first thing she said was "how can you be so stupid as to fall down the stairs!"

Recently, ive really been struggling with her. She drives me to work every morning, and every morning she never fails to point out something that is wrong with me e.g. "your hair is damn ugly", "your skin is damn bad", "your clothes are so ugly, only you think its nice!" And when i went to the airport to fetch her when she came back from Korea, the first thing she said when she saw me was "You are so fat !" Today at lunch she started her criticism and said "You eat so loudly!"

And i got so tired of hearing her criticisms so at lunch i said "stop". But she didnt, she went on and on and she said "my job is to correct your mistakes!" and when i walked off from the table to the living room to eat, i could hear her still criticizing me in the kitchen and she kept asking my brother "you agree or not? Im correct right?"

It really hurts to know that the one person in your life you seek validation from, the person who gave birth to you never fails to point out everything that is wrong with you and how you are so so so not perfect and not good enough. Which is why when Mary cried, i cried. I cried for the mother i never had, and wish i have.

My whole life i realized is some kind of validation exercise and everytime even when people say "wow you are so lucky ! you studied overseas ! you went to a good JC ! you have a good job!", I still feel "huh? really?" To my mother its still not good enough because i didnt go to a school like Cambridge or Oxford, and i didnt get a scholarship to make her happy.

I guess this is also why im really struggling with a good friend who always tries to "challenge" me because i feel i have to prove myself not just to my mother but even to a good friend.

But as i reflected on the burden of my cross more and more, i thought of the song Complete and how i really pray one day i can see beyond my Calvary. I still thank God that He is there to carry my cross for me, if not the burden of the cross will be worse and I have Him to love me no matter how incomplete, how imperfect or how big a failure i am to my mother or whoever. I really thank God for allowing me to know Him, because if it wasnt for the hope He gives, I really would have fallen into depression a long time ago and contemplated suicide.

Cellies please pray for my mother and her cross too. I know its still a long long walk to Calvary but I really pray that one day we'll both be reconciled in the Lord by His Grace.

God Bless,

Melch

“Bloom where you’re planted.”

this is a quote i obtained from the "best cell blog" in raymond's post which was inspired by one of the PDL daily devotionals. there's a story behind it for me. read on...

last december, we were at lifesprings for our retreat. on the second day, in the morning, i remember melt and i scrambling for mass (as usual since it was so early!!) and on the way to the chapel, i caught sight of a little bench facing a fence, through which there was a beautiful and refreshing view of the hill and the sky. i made a mental note in that rush that no matter what, i was going to sit there and enjoy it at some point during the retreat. breakfast was a filling affair but i still hadn't forgotten the bench. as i walked out, i remember stopping near the koi pond, choosing which was a better bench to sit on for the few remaining minutes before the first session. there happened to be a nun standing there too.

"is that fish pregnant?" asked the nun.

"huh? is she talking to me??" said shireen in her mind.

i walked over to have a look. and she pointed out to me a fish with a bulge where its tummy should have been. i had no idea what a pregant koi looked like.

"maybe its a pot belly?" retorted shireen, for lack of a more intelligent response.

a conversation bloomed from there.

"it is so therapeutic looking at these fish, isn't it?" she said.

"hmm, but don't you think they find it boring? swimming round and round the whole day?" shireen honestly felt sorry for the fish and couldn't imagine living such a life.

"ah, you think its boring, but that's the life they know. do you think they find it boring?" something to that extent was her reply, i forget the exact words.

"well, i guess maybe not, since they really go about swimming here and there like they're doing something really important," shireen pointed out this observation.

"the fish are happy where they are. the trees are happy where they're planted. do you think the plant growing in your jamban (toilet) will say, "i want to pick myself up and plant myself somewhere else?" no, it is happy growing where it is. we should learn to just be." said the nun, animatedly. shireen laughed when she heard the word, "jamban".

in shireen's mind, there were lots of "but this...." and "but that...."s. but she decided to shut those voices up and listen to this nun. she had not heard this for the first time, "just be." but there are times in our lives when the same words sound different and singe our hearts more than at other times. maybe its the connection with the person who's saying it, maybe it's the powerful realisation that god planted us both to be where we were right there and then at that appointed time, or maybe it's the cure for a certain restlessness stirring within.

and today, as i was reading raymond's post, i saw that line, “Bloom where you’re planted.”

and i suddenly understood perfectly what that nun meant when she talked about the plant in the jamban.

dear god,

whether we are in the jambans of our life (shit happens sometimes), or on top of the world, or just in the middle, help us to bloom where we're planted. to know that through our weaknesses, your strength is made perfect. give us hearts of humility, hearts that seek to serve and not be served. plant the seeds of your kingdom in our hearts, lord, and let us allow you to nurture us with your love and grace, so that we may bloom into trees for the birds of the air to make their nests in, so that our branches will always be reaching out to you, praising and glorifying you, as we receive the sunshine of your love forevermore.

love,
shireen

"Perseverance produces faith, so that we may be complete, lacking in nothing."

hi people, so glad to read the blog again, of how God is real and living in your lives.

first, read josh's post on faith of convenient. and was quite struck by it. i remember how cons shared with me before that she would never get a boyfren from school, cos she feels it would just be a r/s out of convenience, cos go lecture, tutorial, breakfast, lunch, dinner tog and maybe even stay in the same hall. wonder if she still feels the same way and i was equally struck by that too. i questioned if my r/s is one of convenience too. perhaps initially, but the days that follow definitely were not. there were jus too many inconveniences to be convenient. the number of times that i felt like giving up: countless.

then read marie's post. yup this is a much more effective way of sharing. glad this was set up. perhaps we might even do away with sunday sharing. except that there are still people who have not blogged yet, so need to encourage them.

and to ray, i am def not an angelic teacher. gosh jus scolded two boys for playing around in the lab. it's really tough. what does it mean by being of service to these students? where to draw the line? when to be compassionate and when to discipline. what if u dun discipline and they get into bigger and worse trouble in future. what if u dun show compassion and they are emotionally hurt and wounded. gosh a whole lot of what if. but am reminded to persevere, still rem the gift that alvin and some of them gave us for one of our msc anniversary. it's a photo frame and the picture of a guy standing on top of a cliff. the passage was from book of james and our individual names were typed into the passage. the frame is on my work table and everyday i'm reminded to persevere and to ask for God's wisdom. for perseverance produces faith, so that we may be lacking in nothing. it's not easy having to overcome discouragement and disappointment every other day, every other lesson. but the strength comes from God. to those out there struggling in work and studies too, persevere. as i spoke to my student, was on the verge of tears and crying in my heart "i have tried so hard to reach out to you. why are you not responding?" perhaps this was how Jesus felt on the cross.

eeever-lynn

drenched with his love

reading colin's post on discernment and i ask myself, why does it have to be so confusing? it's like the first post i typed on this blog. how the most obvious thing sometimes just isn't the thing for us and how sometimes, the most obvious thing really IS the most obvious thing. with thoughts like these, it's no wonder we just stand still sometimes, too afraid to go anywhere and do anything. "what if i'm wrong? what if i'm wrong?" but its in stagnant waters that bloodsuckers lay their eggs, right?

you know how sometimes your intentions are totally pure but you can never say the right words or do the right things to make a friend happy? how no matter what you do or say, your friend still will not forgive you, still cannot forget the wrong move you made, the wrong word you said, when all you really wanted to do was to make your friend happy? but your friend can't see all that is in your heart and doesn't know how you yearn to see him/her happy, how you yearn to love him/her the best you can, and the struggles and demons within that you battle.

my experience of god tells me otherwise. it tells me that god is not so petty. it tells me that god sees the depths of my heart and he loves me the same. it tells me that all i have to do is desire him first, is to seek him with my whole heart. sometimes, it's hard to hear his voice, most of the time actually. but god is the almighty. he placed the stars in the sky and he knows them by name. from a distance, he sees the prodigal son rise up from amongst the pigs, his clothes covered in mud. from a distance he ALREADY sees, and he RUNS and EMBRACES and KISSES him. yes, god is not so petty. we may say the wrong words, be confused by the wickedness and snares of evil, choose the wrong paths, but what matters to him is that desire to be close to him, so close that nothing can come between.

we just worry too much, us humans, me shireen, at times. we're too busy worrying, our brows all furrowed, thinking and thinking and worrying and thinking. but there are these times when i just relax my frown and open my eyes wide and let the corners of my mouth turn up and breathe and look around me and i realise that my god, my rock, is right here with me, all around me, in the breeze that makes the leaves dance, in the glorious clouds high above, in reno (my dog) who never fails to disarm me with his smiles, in the kindness of strangers and love of family and friends. and at these times, my heart is only overflowing with praise for god and i just let myself be still for a while, allowing his love to wash over me. his love is constant, whether the skies are grey or black or blue.

lord almighty, how happy are those who trust in you. -Psalm 84:12

-shireen

Spirit of Discernment please pour afresh upon me!!!

Hi friends,

I really don't know what to do ... the harvest is plentiful but the laborers are few ... but yet, I really don't know whether is it God's Will for me to carry on to even further my studies now. Though I have great desire to serve Him in ministries, i was once being challenged by Sam Lim this morning from St. Ignatius of Loyola that the Devil can also misled us in the 'apparent' good that having this spiritual desire may not be even from God ... So i really don't know how ...

Last night, I really had so much of difficulty in sleeping simply because there's so much worries, fears, and anxieties in me. I was wondering whether i should consider studying now. Currently, i am already involved in Men's group, MSC Core, and Catechist ... but thank God the catechist thing should be over by September 2007. The reality of the problem is that i am going to work full time and study part time ... and plus all the church ministries ...

I really don't know how to move on in life man especially after speaking to Samuel... there's suddenly so much fear in me that i might fall into the trap of the evil one ... It's so difficult to discern what is from God ... Lord Jesus, Please help me in my discernment process and I am struggling greatly ... please be with me as i struggle with this ...

Colin Sng

what a time to recall.....

it has been so long that i came in to blog.. n what i did was to just read through all the blgs that have been posted.. so what have i been doing.... now i am in the admist of studying my physics to do an online assignment that is due on wed.. guess what josh said to me it is so easy n i thought so then i decided to attempt n read thro the text n i realised that it is not as easy as he describes.. i am struggling to understand it... now i am in a state where i am so fearful that i cant clear this module and my other modules are piling up too.. so where is God in all these.. pple keep telling me stop studying n put God in persepctive in my studies n trust.. the first instant question that came to my mind was that if i have spent so much time to study then why am i still blur in my work .. why am i still so lost n helpless.. the pt is that i feel that i have not spent enough time in my work. . .so what is enough? i cant ans that too.. by my definition... prob that i understand what i am learing... i dont know.. i am drowning in my work.. alot of stress..

so how has lent so far for me in all these struggles... hahha i dont know.. joshua asked me this question " am i doing all these chucrh work out of love for God?" my ans to him was "out of responsibilities" ... i feel that it was something that has kept me sane as what i shared with melt...it is so hard to put God in persepctive... i cant see GOd in my work.... exmas are like round the corner n i am still trying to understand my work.. i am still clinging on to the hope that God will guide me thro... i have also this fear that he will fail all my modules as i have not put him first in my life n how i think i am greater than him.. what a off realisation... hmm...

however, i amlooking forward for thur .. . fri.. sat . .sun,... even today n tomorrow... i am so excited to journey thro this holy week.. this yr it has been one filled with excitement. i hope that i can exp God in the most intimate manner.. how he will n change my persepective of him.. finally... i can say that i have kept to my resolution that i will not fall into the "worst" sin that i have been committing all these while.. the sin that i hate it when i have to run for confession n hate it when i repeat it over n over agin.. the struggle to be pure... praise God that he has given me the grace to overcome it..

the other consolation that i can say is the new responsibility that he has given me.. to be a godpa to another brother .. i think it is indeed a great joy n great experience for me.... whenever i act or do something.. at the back of my mind i always ask myself.. hey are you doing the right thing.. are you suppose to act in this way... the challenge my godson posts to me is really challenging n it beings me to a new height n exp with God.. but i failed terribly very often when i preached the things to him and to those whom i meet, i find it very hard to live by it... it is a super struggle.... but i guess God's grace is sufficient for me...

" We fall down, we lay our crowns.. at the feet of Jesus......"

Thoughts of being a core member is one that is filled with anxiety, fear n uncertainty.. enlightenment?? hahah not yet... maybe this is a call for me to relook into my r/s with God and where i stand as a child of God.. someone said to me with a very good intention n i think it is a good time for me to reflect on it too... " .. . . . .. . i am no where there, like i was before with God . . .. .. " hey i am not taking it negatively.. all comments to me are all taken positively.. so no worries man.. hahahhaha . . . . .. .

hmm... back to my studies now.. God i ask of u to grant me a mind of understanding a mind filled with peace, love n joy......... another 1 hrs time i will have to go for my lecture aleady..

lets walk towards calvary n rise with him on easter...

KeNnY

Beware, everyone! The devil is lurking around. Step up in prayer!

hey people, i'm so encouraged and uplifted when i come into all our 3 blogs and reading how everyone is trying to seek God. i had a not-so-good day in school. was so discouraged and disappointed that my own form class did so badly for their test and are not motivated at all to study. sigh... i feel helpless and inadequate. am at a loss how to help them. am i suppose to push them further or to accept them the way they are? on the way home (i walk home sometimes and it's good reflection time for me), i thought about how Jesus said He came for the sick, not the healthy and was reminded again how perhaps i am sent to the sick too, not the healthy. and i thought about how God must surely have much greater love for them than i have for, and surely then God must have His plans for them, then in which of the students' lives do i fit into that plan? perhaps i'm not listening hard enough to the Spirit's guidance, or perhaps i'm just meant to accept and endure everything now and God will show me why later on. surely i can't be a superman to all of them, to save all their lives? it's hard trying to think positive on my own, but i was so encouraged to "see" everyone sharing in the blogs too.

heard some of the other teachers complaining about their students too. guess i'm not the only one having a hard time with my students. i only pray that God sanctifies my every word and action, and that perhaps i should be more focused on the positive side of things. realized how easily i become discouraged and disappointed nowadays, the devil must be lurking around. i must not give in. i must continue to ask for the grace and strength to persevere and stand firm.

at least there's something to be happy about. one of my naughty students on suspension passed his science test, think he was very surprised and happy. praise GOd for allowing me to reach out to him.

eeever-lynn

(Sorry ... don't know what title"

Hi Friends,

It's always the weekend that there's so much for me to share and to start my week with. There is really so much thought and i guess it's really because of my free time for reflection especially on Saturday.

Well, this morning I had a very bad tiff with my Uncle, Kenny's father and of course, my dearest mother was involved. I was so affected by it the whole day .. thank Jesus for giving me the grace to persevere in Church and not allowing it to affect the ministry that God has called me into. With regards to ministry, I will give more details later. For now, I will concentrate on my thoughts with regards to my relationship with my uncle. Well, it all started with some comments he made about me. He mentioned that i was so inefficient in getting things done when he asked me to help him. I felt insulted and accused because I have been moving here and there serving people and i felt not being appreciated. Moreover, with so much expectation from the family, I felt very pressured. Subconsciously, because of my great desire to please our Lord, I have been giving a lot of pressure to myself by doing the best as I could serve and to please him. Perhaps, our Lord did not even expect much from me, it just that i am expecting alot from myserlf. I was so affected by this event that I wrote a letter to God during Catechism (i'll explain more later). And this is what the Lord was trying to tell me in all this, and that He knows that I have been trying my best to serve Him and His people and He told me that I will just do my best and God will do the rest. And indeed, it was really liberating when I decided to make the decision to forgive my uncle and reconciled with him. That also include my discussion with my mother. I felt that it has made me realised that in through all this arguments, that God bring us closer together. It enable me to understand another person better. Praise be to God!!!

With regards to Catechism, I must really thank God for this wonderful bunch of Catechism students. Today, we tried something new ... relating to journaling. I actually encouraged them to write a letter to Jesus, sharing about an event that happened over the week. After which, they have been encouraged to write a letter back to themselves, with grace of the Holy Spirit, expecting a reply from Jesus. A number of them were touched by what happened... Moreover, a number of them shared openly and honestly what really touched them and to share what God is trying to tell them.

Next I would like to affirm the message that God brought to us in the begining of the year as to how he is goinng to move things in our Commmunity. I was once again being affirmed with the fact that God is a creative God, a God who made new things. As we celebrate a new beginnging and chapter of our Community, something that is really very new in our Community, especially after 7 - 8 years of living Community life that we finally have a Core Team to lead the Community more and more towards Jesus Christ.

Isaiah 43:18 - 19

"Remember not the events of the past, the things of long ago consider not;
See, I am doing something new! Now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?"

Thanks.

With Love,
YOur brother in Christ,
Colin Sng


If not for His grace, I guess I would have this mentality that says ... "I don't feel like doing it" mentality. In any case, God is really Good is helping me through. First with my catechism class .. i am really so proud of them .. they really have grown so much in their faith journey. They are beginning to take ownwership of their faith.

Thanks.

With Love,
Your brother in Christ,
Colin Sng