What are you going to do this week to walk more closely to Jesus?

today as i read my mail, i read the daily email from good news ministry reflection. i was so shock as the very first sentence to the last seems to speak to me so directly.

every mon, i will still feel dreadful about going to school to face my class, cos i cannot control their noise level. tho it seems like a small thing and that every other teacher prob experience the same thing as well, however, it still bothers me alot. and almost every sunday night i would not be able to sleep well cos i would be too stressed thinking about it and worrying about. i've tried many ways of overcoming it. praying to surrender, preparing well, trying to face it squarely, trying to embrace it, trying to forget about it by occupying myself with other activities, trying to trust in God that He will put the right words in my mouth... yet i never seem to be able to overcome this dreadful feeling and sense of inadequacy. it's so tiring that it drains me physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually.

cos i'm so drained and tired, i end up looking for immediate comfort as much as i can, in r/s, in frens, in watching tv, in spending money, in eating.

after i read the email, then i realize that i'm looking for the solution in the wrong place. i was trying to overcome the prob all this while. but no, it is not to be so. wat i shd be looking for, is to find peace and joy in the face of the struggle. and peace and joy, can only be found in God. i have been trying to find the solution, sometimes from God, sometimes from myself. but i shd be looking for God, full stop. i shd jus be looking for God and God only, not looking for God while looking for a solution.

i came to realize that the reason why i struggle so much is not becos i haven't found the solution. it is becos i dun have the peace and joy of Christ to face the struggle. and precisely becos i have experienced wat it means to be in peace and joy in the face of struggles that, now that i can't experience the peace and joy, it is frustrating me, not the struggles.

in the email, they ask: "what are you going to do this week to walk more closely to Jesus?" "what is the obstacle that is preventing me from getting through the struggle with peace and joy?"

another observation i made is also everytime i do something to Jesus (no matter positive or negative), the exact same thing will happen to me in my r/s. if i make more effort to give of myself to Jesus, i will receive more in my r/s. if i am self-centred and neglect Jesus, i will get the lack of attention and feel hurt in my r/s. how ironic, but it is almost always hundred percent accurate.

Dear Jesus, pls tell me how to walk closer with You, Lord. You know how weak i am, Lord. Grant me Lord, pls the strength to even make a conscious effort and decision to choose to seek You and You only Lord. Grant me Lord the peace and joy Lord in facing this struggle Lord. Amen.

Lynn