come as you are.

HELLO! haven shared in a while. haha..

today, i finally had the last test of the semester! feel ABIT relieved, less stressed now, but no need reminders that exams are in just two weeks time!

i called home just now to offer to buy dinner for everyone, and when i came home i was quite irritated that my sister just opened the door for me, didnt even look at me and went back to her computer. no word of thanks, no help to bring the food to the table, no nothing. my dad was a different story la, he was very grateful to me for getting dinner for them and refunded me money somemore. so i left the food on the table, and my dad came after a while and took my sister's food and served her where she was in front of her computer and playing the guitar la. and i was ABIT gvanofug (rubbish word, cos i dunno how to describe what i felt), i mean, she stay home whole day can at least go buy dinner SOME days or something so that ppl tired from work or sch can just come straight home, BUT she's the kind that WUN ever do that. yea. so i was gjaglajsl. ya. but i know my dad was just being his usual nice loving dad la, serve her food, thank me "very much" and watever.

it was then i realise, i do things not PURELY out of love but also cos i feel obliged to. cos if i did it out of love, i wouldnt feel as though my sis and i had to have an equal share in the 'workload'. i ALWAYS feel 'why do i have to do this and she doesnt have to?' and its quite dumb cos it's not as if my parents tell me to do things, sometimes i even offer on my own accord la. its quite weird. like i know, if i didnt buy dinner home today, my dad would have to go buy, and i feel quite bad cos it's not as if we're still little kids or anything. also, being the eldest i think my parents placed a different set of expectations on me, i dunno if it is different expectations cos im the eldest, or they've set different expectations based on our individual characters la.. but all the same, i feel like im expected to be the good and obedient one, no need to worry my parents, expected to do well in school, expected to massage my dad, expected to offer to buy dinner/lunch whatever, etc.. so with all these perceived expectations, i do all the things i feel obliged to, just to 'keep my parents happy with me'. i think its subconsciously that, but i dun usually feel i have to do that if not my parents will kill me or anything la. but i think the root cause of this whole perceived expectations leads to the yearning to be approved by my parents or anyone else for that matter.

then i was very affirmed cos throughout the whole time those thoughts ran through my mind, i suddenly felt at peace with myself, no longer irritated with my sister, i should just accept her as she is, changing her for the better is another thing, but acceptance is the first step to being at peace with myself and with the people around me. also, im again strongly reminded that God our father loves me too much, even though he may be like any other parent who 'expects' me to be good and obedient and etc, but his love is so perfect that even though i may not reach his standards which i will never will, He still loves me PERFECTLY, (haha, eve's previous post), JUST AS I AM. (: i just have to 'come as i am'.

similarly, i have no need for human approval, cos i should be secure in God's love. so yup, now's the time for me to share that Love He has given/shown me to the people around me. (:

praise God.