you give and take away

lets face it. life is full of uncertainties. i look back over the last few weeks and i just want to laugh. at the folly of my mistakes, at the paradox of life, at the whole irony of the situations i've been in. i think about the words, "you give and take away," and i can't help but think that it totally rings true. but then, ungratefulness turns into awe as i begin to realise that you take away and give as well. and that ultimately, you are always giving.

i was sharing with jeevan (my youngest brother) about the incredibly stupid and costly mistake i made last night. one month ago, i booked 2 tickets to the phantom of the opera for last night's (sunday) show. the 6th of may finally arrived and i was so excited. i have watched phantom before but i knew mervin wanted to watch it and i wanted to make it a wonderful experience for him. yesterday, before driving him there, i blindfolded him with a bright blue punjabi suit scarf (it was the alternative to making him wear goggles with black paper covering the lens) and i plugged in these really huge earphones (the kind djs wear) to his mp3 player and drove him to the esplanade. then, he refused to wear all that rubbish outside the car so i made him promise to close his eyes. but the bell started ringing and we had to run so he opened his eyes and found out that we were running into the concert hall to watch phantom. as the usher was about to lead us to our seat, he suddenly turned around and said, "this is for the matinee show. it was this afternoon."

i know. i can't believe it too. i was holding on to the tickets for one month. i don't know why i didn't check. i really really believed that i had booked the correct date but i guess in my haste i must've have booked wrongly. well, they still put us in a soundproof room with a glass window so we could watch the show with music streamed into one speaker. it felt like we were watching a movie. i felt really really stupid.

so as i was saying, i was sharing this story with jeevan. and i told him about the internship story as well. imagine getting a job the day before and then going in on your first day, all made-up and in the morning peak-hour crowd on the train and then, getting a call to go home cos they had to "review my case". it was most dramatic and part of me wanted to laugh and another part of me was in turmoil. the problem was that on the day that i had gotten the internship (after a gruelling second interview with a french chef who was everything i expected him to be), i had gone to school after that to settle exchange stuff and found that i had to be in new zealand way earlier than i thought. i immediately called up the HR girl and told her the situation. and she told me to come in on friday anyway even though initially it wasn't in the plan. so at the very last minute, i had to get someone to replace me for pnw at ijtp (thanks merrill! if you ever read this). somehow everything was screaming "no!" about this internship but i couldn't trust in abundance any longer. by hook or by crook i needed an internship. and then, that thing happened on friday. and by friday night, i was flying off to bangkok, having NO clue what the jesus youth conference was gonna be like and why i had even signed up and what abt my internship??

but god had/has better plans for me. who would've thought assumption university would be so beautiful and clean and just perfect? and how is it that when i was there i was able to really "be here now"? and how come i was able to share so deeply and be loved by people who were just strangers moments before? how could i even lift my hands to the sky to praise god knowing he had given and taken away, so many times? but that was what he gave me, the grace to say, "god, your plans are better than mine, and so i praise you."

of course when i got back, i was on fire for two days or slightly more. and then, my weaknesses and struggles came back to pull me down. is it pms? i don't know haha. how this shireen stray ar! talking about talking to jeevan then suddenly stray to conference etc. so i was sharing with jeevan and he asked me whether i cried. and yes, i cried last night and yes, i cried before i left for bangkok. and he told me that i couldn't keep crying every time these things happened. i tried to justify myself. but you know what jeevan? you're right. why do i let these things trouble me so much? why do i take myself so seriously? why do i not trust in god, who is a god of abundance, who is the god in my times of uncertainties, who has constantly loved me and sheltered me under his wing my whole life (there are so many experiences which testify to this!)? these tears only wring me dry and tire me out and leave me feeling drained and tired when i wake up the next day.

and then i read the reflections for tomorrow's readings by terry a. modica. i asume terry is a female. she talks about the gift of peace that jesus gives us and how it reigns in times of trouble and uncertainty. it hit close to home and terry has an ability to make scripture easy to digest and relevant so, if you've managed to reach this part of my looooooooooooong post (i think i haven't beat colin yet), then read on!

"The legacy that Jesus left behind -- his gift to us, which he explained in today's Gospel passage -- is peace. True and lasting peace. A peace that calms troubled hearts. A peace that drives away our fears. A peace that is heaven on earth.

If we accept this gift of peace, we have to trust God no matter what's going on around us. We cannot trust our own interpretation of what's best for us and how our problems should be solved. We have to trust in God's wisdom and never-ending love. But we turn away from the gift if we take our eyes off of Jesus. Remaining in constant communication with him will keep us securely in his peaceful embrace.

Failure to trust God results in fear and troubled hearts, because fear always lies to us. Remember it this way: F.E.A.R. = False Evidence Appearing Real. To regain the peace that Jesus has given you, first identify the lies that your fears have been saying. Then ask the Holy Spirit to reveal to you what the truth is. Listen carefully. If you need help discerning his voice, talk to a spiritual director or a prayerful Christian friend. Once it becomes audible, trust in that truth. And act upon it.

What gift do you want most from Jesus today? If you have his peace, everything else you want will either follow automatically, in God's perfect timing, or they will no longer be necessary."

seek ye first the kingdom of god, right? may the peace of god reign in all our hearts and amongst us. god bless! praise god always!

love,
shireen