I was wondering . . .. . . .

It has been a long long time i have not blogged ever since the exams have started and when everything i am doing seems to be taking up my time and it is the best excuse that I would give myself. What i do is more important than anything else that comes along. Actually wanted to blog after my papers on Sat but i didnt know what to write and what to reflect on..... Logged in but nothing flow thro my mind. I guess the sense of lost suddenly sets in. the things around me seems to stand still for the time being and it seems like winter where things are slow and gloomy. What then is sunny? what then is fast? being very deverstated by my sat paper which is my physics and also the rest of e modules that I have done throughout the past week. I was really lost of words to describe my feeling and i dont know where to pick myself up. I could still remember when pple asked me where am i going after the physics paper has been collected, i told them i am looking for a building that is tall enough for me to jump... am i joking?? i guess i am . the instant reaction is that i have done very badly and i am sure to fail and has to repeat the modules. Will i fail? i dont know... then the question of what am i basing my life on, on my results? on my success? where is God in all these?? am i a person of faith n trust? at that point i guess i was just overwhelmed by my 'own' problems. i guess feeling so helpless, te only person i can turn to is our Lord. then i decided to attend novena. that short period of time there with Christ n our blessed lady had been one that is comforting. It is so great to be there to thank the Lord for all his blessings he has bestowed on me throughout my study time and protecting all my friends we are also studying n my love ones at him. At that instant, i was taken away from my sorrow and given the grace to be grateful for all that He has done for me n will still continue to lead me through life. (there is still doubt-i guess i just have to trust) Evening came, i went for mass at CTK with Kendrick and i got home something very powerful was that our PRIMARY Vocation is to LOVE and to have LIVE in all that we do. Am i having love n life?? I do not have an answer to this question yet.

Usually, once i finished my exams, the following monday, i will go and work but this time round, i decided to take a break for a week and to settle down n hopefully to find myself admist all my "plans" and "agenda". Sometimes being alone, and taking time off to reflect about things help one to be aware of oneself. It is a on going process of growing. So far, this break, i have not gotten any big revelation but rather little from here and there. I went to visit Fr fossion on Monday and then to holy spirit for mass. For those of u who do not know who Fr Fossion is, he is now the oldest priest in Sinagpore and our parish (SFX) ex assistant parish priest. He is 94 this year and will be celebraing his 70th year as a priest this coming 2nd August and he is currently residing at the formerly known "Little Sister of the Poor" at Thomson. There will be a celebration and it will be held at Holy Spirit Church. Visiting him has been one of great encounter and his life reflects who God is to him. As usual, he still utters "stupid" when u see him, hahahah.. it is so funny and it brings back alot of memories when he is back at SFX.. "NEVERMIND" and "KYBMS" still stuck on his wall. it struck me so hard that he is still so prayerful and his mind is still centered on the mission of the church and providing for the pple that are less fortunate. One thing he said to me n valerie " WHAT for we cling on to money, use the money to help the people to build churches, orphangages & schools" A man that is so old yet still on fire for God.. Am i able to do it....

After that at mass, once again it is so resounding in my heart, Fr Andrew shared this story that there is this Little Indians family. One day, the grandson asked his grandpa, what will you do when someone do something bad to you? (actually i could not remember the front part of the story, it was the later part the struck me)The grandpa answered him " in our hearts, we have 2 dogs, one is filled with anger, frustration and revenge. while the other one is filled with love, peace n joy." the grandson then asked " Who will Win?" Grandpa answered " The dog that you feed will win" I was like wooooowwwwwwwww....... it is so profound..(maybe all of you canthink about it)

May 1st came, met up with a few pple and in the conversation it calls for me to ask myself what is my relationship with God. Does it mean that i serve in ministry and atend masses frequently means that i have a r/s with God? I realised that at this point it is such that i might not be convinced by what i am doing but rather i am doing all this out of routine, just like how a married husband will go home for dinner to join his family but not convinced by what he is doing (analogy was shared by sam)... thus, this call for faithfullness in our r/s with God or in that case, in a marreid life or in any vocation in our lives, where we will grow tired in our daily routine... I seriously have to pray and think about it....

I have alot more thoughts in my mind but i guess i will stop here and i will share again.....

Ken