Hi peeps!!
It has been a long time since i last blogged.
I praised God for Jesus Youth Conference, whole 4 days surrendered completely in his hands, nth to worry about, nth to attend to, its really during this period of time, that i understand the amount of harvest I receive if I place everything in our Lord's hands.
The following sharing you gonna receive is my reflection during these 2 weeks abroad.
Since young, i had an issue with religion cos i had this perception that if there was really a god, why will there be suffering in this world?
I took a step into faith last yr after my accident, reason being that i was convinced that there was something missing in my life.
So what was that something missing? that something missing was what many people out there have been trying to find, the basic question we always tend to ask ourselves- who am I?
During the Jesus Youth Conference, there was a session on Inner Healing. My first reaction to Inner healing was," how do I go about doing it if I don't know how?
I never felt that I had anything within to be healed till that day. 
I praise Lord for the open heart, the brave characters of individuals who opened up to us "strangers" with their sharing. All of them look so normal, smart, full of courage and achievements, but yet there were still periods of rough times in their lives. Their deep sharing into a perceived normal life really helped me in looking into my so called 'perfect' life, it helped me to look beyond the surface into what really happened which make me want to surrender my life into god's hands today.
I was brought up in family which seems perfect, steady income, parents do not quarrel, brother was a good role model to me, I was able to breeze through my exams. However peaceful as it seems, i was feeling lonely within. My bro was never home, he was always busy with girlfriends and training. I could never relate to my father, cos he always disagree with what I do- no soccer, no basketball, even running was bad! In his eyes a perfect son will be one who stays home to study. He will only be there to share my glory, and will only reprimand me for my sorrows. As I know that i will never get his approval, I never tell him what I do in school, he doesn't know a single thing bout the things i go through.
My mom is the only person I am close to, she was a party animal before she knew my dad, so she never fail to secretly(behind my dad)ask me to socialize more, attend more parties, she will never fail to ask why I am studying so hard during weekends cool mom, I agree. But somehow, no matter how close a guy is to a mom, there are some things you just don't know how to ask her for advice. I always felt i lack a male figure to relate to in the family.
My family was never there during any of my race, never there during any of my performance, I guess seeing your friends' parents there to support their child, being young, I felt bitter and lack of love inside.
As i grew up, the emptiness became more and more. I was sad, people always say that on surface I look very happy, but was actually very broken inside. I never see it as a issue as I used to determine my happiness in life with the amount of achievements i have as compared with my friends.
Thus, pride became a food to the emptiness. I was feeding my pride all this while. Pride being the greatest sin, built a barrier between me and God. As i achieve more and more, I became more and more confident that i can solve everything with my hands.
No doubt, I was master of trades, but was never able to relate well to friends. Being brought up solely by my mom, I make a perfect girl seriously ( as what my friends used to tell me). I knew how to cook, how to nurse wounds, and spend more time taking care of my hair, face, body than gals. Contrary to guys, I was bad in directions, Had cylo motor problems.
Since young, I never accepted myself for who I am as my friends will always "suan" me about it.
I had this group of close friends during JC, the 4 of us were super closely knitted, you know they always say that a person is usually define by the people he mix with, this group of friends, to think of it, I wonder why i was close to them as they will use every opportunity to "suan" me about my quirks till I had to become a completely different person when I am with them. This suaning process created an emotional turmoil within. And the issue of trying to get accepted since young was haunting me again.
Then one day, I decided to put a stop to the friendship, to put a stop in the lonliness within, to find out who i really am, a burning question since young. Which is the primary reason why I wanted to go on a backpacking trip alone, to be distant from the world, to know what I really want in life.
During the healing session at the conference, I came to terms with my brokenness within. More importantly, to accept the healing of God and know what is really important to me!
It was really pride which mystified my perception. Pride which make me want to achieve what the world wants from me. Pride which cause me to feel empty within end of it all. Pride which made me distant from God.
The conference was a start of healing, gave me the zest, the willingness to put god in perspective in everything I do, to do the Lord’s work. My lens of the world was finally cleaned. My real test of the teachings, testimonies and the yearning to lead a changed life during the conference came when jean and ray left for Singapore, and I was left alone in a troubled nation. After being cheated by a cabbie after they left, I became frustrated, felt like crying at times, asking myself why I did not take a plane back with them.. It really became a test of faith. Not knowing why, I started reading the bible. I was thinking if I will to be kidnapped, sold to be a slave, then die at this instant, I wanted to feel peaceful within. So I took it out , read it slowly without any time constraint at Benti Srei, this place in Ang Kor Wat. I spent hours and hours in a temple reading the bible. Then I started reading after my first breath in the morning and b4 I sleep. Then it became a conscious effort to relate everything to Lord’s teaching. During the trip when I chance on something which tug my heartstring, especially the killing fields, and the school where the torture took place, I will read the bible, hoping to seek an answer to why men are so cruel, why it happened, where God in this. The burning question I always wanted an answer to in this world of sufferings! And really really was through God’s grace, with the help of Jude, I found the answer! I felt a peace to come to terms with men’s suffering and God. I can’t explain it! You can agree with theory to this much, but to fully accept it, its really experiencing the sufferings first hand and come to terms with theory of God’s plan.
It made me realize how little strength I have, how vulnerable man is, how we all need God in our lives!
After one encounter which answered a burning question within, it became a growing habit to relate everything to God with everything I encountered during the trip.and soon, i began relating him to every simple decision I made. I got the Bible Obsession Infection!
Reading through my journals during the start of my journey to Thailand and ending at Cambodia,
I was awed by how my perception, how my ideas were defined in 2 weeks
Finally I found the answer I was looking for all these while
All the emptiness within
I found an answer
Trying to find who I really am all these years,
I was actually trying to fill the hollowness in my heart
I was actually trying to find God all these years
And he showed me a glimpse of who he was during my plunge into the unknown.
I never felt this joy before.
Unexplainable
I am not afraid of my size, my face, or afraid to smile anymore
And I no longer have toseek who I really am!
Cos it does not matter anymore
I am so excited to just know more about hiM!!
I just really want to be just a child of God
Steven
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