Birthday Sharing

Hi Friends,

Just before it turned 1st April 2007, I would like to take this opportunity to thank all of you for celebrating my birthday today... and thank Constance for writing such beautiful poem for me ... that really reminds me of my 21st Birthday four years ago when Evelyn composed a song for me ...

I would like to use this opportunity to share some of my deepest thoughts that went through my mind over the last two years and i would like to be open and honest about it.

In any case, though i am 25 today about 12 hours ago (btw, i am born at 1155 am) i have come to be more convinced that i am really still young though, after looking back on my 25 years of my life, going through so much ups and downs, i realise that there is so much ahead of us ... read on of my blogs about being 25 ... This is especially so whenever i go for men to men session, i felt so young among them.

In anyway, birtday for me is something very special and this is especially so for this year as i recall the gift of life. The fact that i live today is completely and totally God's grace. I remembered once telling my father that i might not live long because of my condition. In fact, I remembered even my doctor telling me that if i don't do anything about my condition... i will just snap... and go .. There was even a particular point in my life when i had to discern whether it would be appropriate for me to even go for my operation. I was going through so much fear at that point in time ... it was haunting me very badly and moreover, thinking that i would die if i were to go for the op.

Anyway ... thanks for listenig ... take care and God bless!!

With Love,
Your brother in Christ,
Colin Sng

fools!

i just visited the last cell blog and i was really happy reading it this saturday morning. keep it up guys! =)

so last night, there we were in this noisy little macs in gardens, talking, sharing, praying, and i thought, we must have looked like fools! but then i also thought, wow, how beautiful this is!

a few days ago, 2 people told me the same thing in less than 24 hours. as i read/listened to what they had to say, i realised, it's hard to understand, yes it is. we, humans, are so small and insignificant and yet we believe that this big, almighty god loved us so much he gave us his son. how silly we are to think that god could become human. look at how huge this universe is. surely, you can't believe that...? this man called jesus, it's hard to believe that he's nothing more than just a man, a man who came to stir trouble, a man who "started some organisation"...and yet, we believe he still lives, we encounter him daily, we worship him with our lives (or try to). and again, i felt, how foolish the world thinks we are, we who cannot prove the existence of this god (or can't we?). and yet, as joshua said last night, therein lies the beauty of it all.

faith is a mysterious thing. does god need our prayers? no. does god need US? no. but god chooses us, creates us, loves us. our home is in god. yes, he is the potter of the entire universe and his fingerprints are imprinted everywhere, and our hearts are no exception. it takes more than a few well-thought out arguments to be as "foolish" as we are. or maybe less. but this is the only thing that makes sense to our hearts. that we come from god, we live for god and we go back to god.

i quote melt who quoted a woman in the oprah winfrey show (i admit i like watching it too, melt, haha).

'We are not human beings in a spiritual experience; We are spiritual beings in a human experience.'

-shireen the fool

To challenge, only with love and compassion

hey cellies (haha i saw melch using this word to address everyone, and i thot it's quite a cute way to call everyone, so i'm using it too)

first to melch: i know how you feel about being judged about going out on friday nites to drink and party and i'm sorry you feel that way, really. but if there's no one to tell you yet, let me be the first. that i really appreciate the fact that you make an effort not to have a dual life inside and outside of community, honesty and truthfulness never fails, and i'm glad you chose to stick by it no matter what people say. and i think i really see the conversion and transformation in you in your desire for God and for holiness. most important of all, i hope you will continue to believe in the love and acceptance of the community for you, cos that was what community was set out for.

to all others, perhaps we were struck by what johnathan said about challenging each other. and i agree with him, perhaps it is time we step up more in challenging one another. however i hope we will not become arrogant when challenging, becos there is a loving and right way of being challenging and there is an arrogant and condemning way to do that, we MUST be careful to deliver our message of challenge lovingly, for the good of that person, not just for the sake of challenging, because challenging for the sake of perfecting the other without compassion, can be destructive. also as we challenge, we have to be consistently loving, not a one-off harsh telling-off. becos only consistent, patient and persevering true love and compassion can change the heart of the one in need of the challenge. and the person in need of that challenge can tell the difference.

and mel i can relate to you too when you said you were thinking of leaving, but ultimately it's not about OUR choices but always about God's choice and decision. and haha i was already thinking of taking a step back from comm since my sister's confirmation (i told myself that would be the last project that i'll do for MSC), but somehow, God just keeps saying to go on and on and on.... and what u said was good reminder for me.

now for my sharing. talking about honesty. it's hard, really hard. for me, the great struggle is in my relationship. it is the place where i give the greatest yet fall the hardest. esp with a partner who has no clue what Christian chastity is, you can imagine i'm trying to do the impossible task of convincing and living up to it. and of course, more often than not, i fail. and like what Fr Gerard say, we can soon lose the sense of sin when everything becomes relative. so if everyone has the deepest darkest corner of their heart that they cannot give to God, mine will be this corner. i used to get into a lot of stressful and tormentous arguments becos of this, trying to be the perfect pharisee, but now i've grown tired of fighting it with my own efforts, and have slowly turned to God for grace and strength. now i'm just trying to surrender. this is one area of my life that i never dared shared, but perhaps we are all called to put our nets further out into the deep. and perhaps i seek to be freed from this slavery of the need to hide this part about myself.

ever-lynn

happy birthday colin!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

COLIN!!!!!!!! (:

Don't worry about that extra line
That's creeping up upon your face
It's just a part of nature's way to say
you've grown a little more
Trees have rings and thicker branches
Kids shoes get a little tighter
Every year we're getting closer
to who we're gonna be
It's time to celebrate the story
of how you've come to be

Happy Birthday, my friend
Here's to all the years we've shared together
All the fun we've had
You're such a blessing
Such a joy in my life
May the good Lord bless you
And may all your dreams come true

So light a candle on your cake
For every smile you've helped create
For every heart and every soul
you've helped to grow A little more
A few more pounds, a little more grey
Don't count the years, just count the way
It takes a little time to go from water into wine
Don't ever lose the wonder
of that child within your eyes

--

you know what?

i can totally relate to what steven has just shared.. i wouldnt call them lies though, but excuses i make just so i can leave session earlier, not go for session at all etc.. even for tmr's gathering at melch's house. i cant make it for the gathering cos im going to the airport to welcome my mum home. sometimes i wonder if this is God's plan for me to be ard more for my family or is this yet another convenient excuse i use just to avoid having to go for gathering.

dance have been quite good for me. but sometimes again i wonder if im just using dance as an excuse not to go for sharings.. etc. dun get me wrong, i like going for dance and am enjoying it. but i feel abit 'slacker' in terms of commitment towards msc. ever since i shared in the email months ago, i feel that people would just accept my reason for dance or school work more casually than before. in a sense i feel less stressed, cos i know with dance i wun be able to commit as much time as before, all those meetings, prayer times during the weekdays i wun be able to attend.. but i dunno if this is good. im feeling more and more out of touch with the comm.

i remember telling myself, and a sister who journeyed with me during the tough times when i made the decision, that i would compensate the time not spent with the community by sharing my reflections and thoughts through emails and whatever. it's kinda realised now, thank god for the blog..

ok, i think my post was quite incoherent. im just back from dance.. tired. but yea, got inspired by the posts and decided to blog too. haha.

oh!!! and guess what!!?! timothy swee's sister,trina, is in my dance group too!! and i just realised that she looked familiar only when we were asking around who was staying where so that we could go home together!! so another guy, trina and i came back together and that guy has a twin brother who is studying at the singapore bible college to become a pastor! and we were talking about calling. so ya, it was a point for reflection today.. what is God's call for me now?

can't think of a title

Ok, for once i am going to be 100% truthful

I am going thru a tough phase in my life now. At the same time, i will say i have never felt happier studying, because books are a getaway from all the pressure and 'belittlement' i am having now.

This lent has been a challenging one for me. Even as it draws to a close, i have yet to do what i promise to do during the start of Lent- that is to stop pretending

I hate it when i pretend to ppl at my school, telling lies so that i can get things to be done the way i want.My reason for it is because everyone does it too, if i don't do it, i will have to fit in other people's time which is really straining. ( i am sure all of u who have many grp projects will understand) . so i lie.

then sometimes Hall stuff get too taxing for me.. esp durin competition seasons and events, i will lie again! and it becomes an everyday thing.

MSC to me, was just like many of us have reliterated now and then, it is a place where i don't have to pretend, it is a place where i know i won't be judged.

However as i journey with the community longer and longer, I feel pressured. I feel belittled... sometimes i really wonder if it is worth it.

I have been trying to get back on my bike these couple of mths. this yr being SEA games yr,the team needs me. perhaps its out of responsibilty which catalyse me to start training again. but after so many hard trg with memories inching back into me, i realise i will not be 'me' if i stop cycling altogether. It hurts me when ppl in the community tell me not to cycle, not to go training, because serving god is more impt, i have to go for cell grp which is more impt, retreat comes first..

so i started to pretend. somehow telling the community that i have an exam next week, a project to rush is a more valid reason than training. But i knew from the start that once i start this habit, i can lie about everything else. and i really feel the damage, because i don't get anything out of sharing any longer, reason being i haven't been truthful, i felt that i have short changed the rest of you, end of the day, i am the one at the losing end.

i feel belittled at times as my ways always don't seem to be accepted, and some people seems like they always know the right way. and i am quite sure just just as some of you are reading this post right now, you will feel that " he is young, he is going thru a phase *I* have been thru b4"

The * at I was placed on purpose - the emphasis on it was deliberate. I really wanna ask," how can you be so sure that what you do is right? how can you be so sure that you know what i have been going thru? how can you be so sure that you know the whole community inside out for that matter?" If the human mind is so easy to be read by anyone else, there won't be this beautiful thing called distinct identity the lord has placed in each of us.

the steven you see in the community is really not the same person u see when i am with my other friends. i feel pressured to live a certian life style which i am not convinced of. Don't get me wrong, The lord has done many miracles in my life and he is always first, but i really have qualms about placing community before anything else other than our lord. At times i feel it is more like a social club where there are 2 kinds of people- one, ppl who have placed their whole life with god, 'choose' to have no hobbies no close outside friends, and thus want to feel a sense of security, want to feel affirmed by the community, two- ppl who place their whole life with god, don't wanna be there at time because sometimes,you just want to be alone, cos sharing is just like speaking with other friends who seem to be closer to you.'

If community living and serving god has really made you an empowered person, why do you still have emotional ups and downs? why do you need the emotional affection of someone, why do you have to be childish and let the certain someone you have issues with feel your pain, when you will give less suffering to the person just by telling him what is wrong. being with the community so long, this is how issues are solved? Is it wrong for someone to be indifferent? who are you to judge in the first place.

'I am so convinced that community is the way of life.'

every morning i pray for god's grace, for me to be more discern, for me to exp the community way of life. but at the same time, i preserve my views, don't wanna share deep details about things in my life because of the fear of judgement.

It is really hard, this desert of faith i am walking thru, when I feel confused at the end of it all. When sometimes i just want to learn more about God alone

So this is the real me, '100% free from lies; sharing... sorry if it wasn't one you were hoping that it will perk up your day.

It is times like this that i rather bury my head in the books. somehow even statistics is a good getaway from this pretentious life.


steven

His Love will Lead the Way

hello cellies,

Wow, the blog really has grown in sharings! I have to affirm everyone who has been posting because it really allows me to see how the Lord is real in your lives. I have been procrastinating posting because i have been busy and also i am allergic to blogs because i dont really like to journal. However i remember at the last retreat i told myself i should journal to keep track of my spiritual ups and downs and i guess this is a way to start.

If i had to classify my spiritual life right now, well its almost non-existent. I struggle even to pray daily for 10 mins and i must admit i didnt say the 1 our Father, 3 Hail Marys and 1 Glory Be for about 3 days out of the week so far because at 10pm i always seem to be at work still rushing out work to send before the next day.

I have been seriously reflecting when Jonathan shared about community living on Sunday about challenging each other and giving each other to question each other. I realized that im not ready for community living. In fact now, im questioning whether i am even called to community.

Now that im working, coming on Sundays is a big sacrifice because my brother only gets home on saturdays and my whole family only gets to eat 1 meal together a week. So Sundays spent with MSC means a lot of sacrifice of family time.

However what keeps me coming to community is the reason why i first came. I remember when i first came to MSC (then YW) i felt really happy that there were people who loved God as much as I did and were not afraid to show how much they loved Him whether it was in Praise and Worship or thanking Him in their sharings. I felt i didnt have to pretend to be someone else and still be accepted no matter how broken or sinful i was.

And thats what keeps me coming on Sundays. For once i dont have to pretend like i have to at work sometimes and i can just come to a place to praise God freely and be with people who accept me for who i am.

I guess thats why Jonathan's sharing scared me. I felt like all the questioning and challenging was so Judgmental. I know i would fail in many ways. And i know people always make sarcastic remarks about the way i spend money or how i go out drinking. I feel persecuted. unworthy and useless being in community sometimes because everyone thinks all im good for is spending money, i am materialistic, and some kind of party animal. It is very discouraging and honestly on more than one occassion last year i really wanted to just walk away because im seen as not a good "community member".

I shared once with some community members that i know people frown upon my lifestyle that i go out on Friday nights after work to drink with friends and apparently im some kind of party animal. However, i am not going to lie about it or pretend in front of the community that i do not engage in such activities. In fact for the record i ONLY go out on friday nights and never Saturday nights because of sessions on sundays. Most of the time i dont drink like 100 drinks and i drink very little because i have to drive. And i do enjoy my Friday nights catching up with friends and just relaxing with them.

Also, the person you see in community is the same person my friends outside see. I dont become more havoc or materialistic when im with them, im just the same Mel. My friends outside know my principles and they know where i stand and they respect that. And what hurts me sometimes is how in Community we have to "pretend" we dont have outside lives or we dont do certain things but in fact we do but we choose to hide it so as to not "contaminate" others in community. I strongly believe in consistency and i dont wear many masks. The person you see is the same person everyone else around me sees.

However, I will continue to pray (although i need to work on the prayer part too) and i remembered what Jason Lin shared with me when he called me one night. I was really struggling to make a decision and i kept listing down all the reasons and Jason just said "when will you ever realize its not about the choices you want ! Its NEVER about the choices you want to make in your life. Its about the choices He wants to make for you."

And i guess thats why im still in MSC and not somewhere else and its about His choice, not mine at all. And i think the only reason ive even come this far is solely by Grace because i know my human will would have failed me long ago.

God Bless,

Melch

so blessed i cant contain it...!

URGG! growl.. my internet connection decided to disconnect itself as i was publishing my post and so i have to retype this entry! rarr.

i was saying.. basic is quite cool!! haha.

just had a horribly horrible long week. 3 tests 1 presentation. and the worst of the week is over! (: finally.

today's the happiest day of the week so far.. this morn i received a msg from a brother in this community, just to catch up cos i haven talked to him in such a long time. so i was updating him on sch and whats going on in my life. and so you can imagine the 'stressed, very busy...' usual stuff. very sian right. but his reply was so full of joy and i could almost feel the sms radiating positive energy! haha. i can really tell this was only possible cos he puts his trust in God to lead him in every aspect of life. and it was really inspiring to hear how God was working in His life, and at that moment i realise that God was probably working in mine too, just that i wasnt paying attention to it since everyday is just like another stressful day. that simple gesture of just an sms was really an invitation from God to 'come away' from all those work i so often think of. so i prayed at that moment that He would help me be more aware of His presence in life today.

that prayer was probably the reason for the blessed assurance i felt though i was so super unprepared for today's test, and presentation. our tutor sprang a new drug prescription on my group and we had to come up and present a role play during the tutorial. but i survived. haha. and didnt even feel stressed. haa. u all know how nervous and stressed i can get whenever i have to talk in front of a large grp of people la. but she didnt even choose me to be the 'main pharmacist' for the role play so i was quite safe. just helped my group along. (:

also, really wanna thank God for my dad. he's the best dad anyone could ever have la. this morn he saw me studying and he bought macs breakfast for me. then he just brought me a drink and fruits. and im just in the room slacking and typing this! he serve me fruits after cutting them! and he does that everyday. really treats all of us like princesses la. and he always so sweet, doesnt scold and is not bad tempered, ALWAYS in a cartoon mode. he's highly amusing la! he created a folder on my laptop for his files and named it 'willy winky'! HAHA. he's probably one of the very very rare species of daddies. cos he tells me 'i love you too.' when i tell him that i love him.

i know im very very blessed. (:

looking back, i realise things that happened today was quite normal, but the feeling is different. if u know what im trying to say. its just like how sometimes the most common thing can make you awed and inspired. yup. for me, today was like that. (:

hope you all had a blessed day too!

Jesus Answers our Prayers!!! Pray Pray Pray ..

Dearest BASIC (Brothers And Sisters In Christ),

Firstly, I would like to thank Joshua for sharing with us about the BASIC ... something that is so unique and cool ... thank God for giving such wisdom to the young ones (the latest Youth Community who call themselves ... BASIC).

Oh ya ... BAISC .. please start blogging ... really miss hearing from all of you .. short or long ... at least say something in your blog man .. hahah

Anyway, I have been really really overwhelmed ... super overwhelmed by the short little time i have with the Lord each morning especially with my new office setting. The key word is 'Listening' Prayer .. and indeed I have received so much formation from the Lord Himself ... Praise be to God!!!

Well, let me share with you some of the things that has been happening over the past two days. I guess the Lord is really speaking powerfully not only to our Community but also the to people of the Archdiocesan of Singapore ... particularly to the Youths and Young Adults. I felt there are so much revival that has been taking place.. Every corner of the City of Singapore, God is raising leaders, sons and daughters, men and woman of great dreams and vision for His Kingdom. As what Jude was sharing last night, people must dare to dream and as what Prophet Joel (Acts 2:17 - 21) would put:

" 'It will come to pass in the last days,' God says, "that I will pour out a portion of my spirit upon all flesh. Yours sons and daughters shall prophesy, your young men shall see visions, your old men shall dream dreams. Indeed, upon my servants and my handmaids, I will pour out a portion of my spirit in those days, and they will prophesy. And I will work wonders in the heavens above and signs on the earth below: blood, fire, and a cloud of smok. The sun shall be turned to darkness, and the moon to blood, before the coming of the great and splendid day of the Lord, and it shall be that everyone shall be saved who call on the name of the Lord."

Anyway, let me go back to my original topic ... prayer. Well, I have been so overwhelmed over the past 1.5 months or so by so many things about prayer. Every corner of my life, people are speaking and sharing about prayer.

First - in the men's group (for 1 month plus), Edywn has giving sessions on prayer particularly listening prayer. Even during cell group meeting, our cell leader also let us experience lectio divnia and using the gift of prophecy. Just last night, Father Eugene Vaz spoke about the importance of prayer for disciples of Christ has to be Man and Woman of Prayer. In fact, the first part of his class was God answering our prayers .. and he did he does but most of the time He does not answer the way we wanted and He usually packaged it differently. All we need is to have the faith that our Loving and Perfect Father will answer us... For those who have not gone for last night session, reflect and read Luke 12:38 - 11:13 ... the whole entire thing is about prayer. Besides that, even during my prayer time yesterday morning, I had sense the Lord telling me that we need to spend more and more time together in Prayer as a Community to pray for the nominees (and the leaders of the Church) and we should not be afraid to be His Servant if He calls any of us to do so.

With regards to my prayer, welll, I was praying e morning and be silent and trying to be patient to wait upon the Lord to speak to me. I asked two questions (I will only share with you one question - too much to continue with the next) and he answered me ... first, I asked me what do you want me to do today? The word that flashes upon me was 'spiritual warfare'. That we should be, as what St. Paul writes to the Ephesians: (Ephesians 6:10 - 17):

"Finally, draw your strength from the Lord and from his mighty power. Put on the armor of God so that you may be able to stand firm against the tactics of the devil. For our struggle is not with the flesh and blood but with the principalities, with the powers, with the world rulers of this present darkness, with evil spirits in the heavens. Therefore, put on the armor of God, that you may be able to resist on the evil day, and having done everything, to hold your ground. So stand fast with your loins girded in truth, clothed with righteousness as a breastplate, and your feet shod in readiness for the gospel of peace. In all circumstances, hold faith as a shield, to quench all [the] flaming arrows of the evil one. And take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God."

I felt the Lord was telling me to share wtih all of you all that we need to pray for core team and we should continously pray for strength from the Lord. That we should let the evil one to take control of your decision making but only by the Spirit of God Himself ...

So BASIC, let us continue to pray ... pray for the leaders of the Church ..

Colin Sng

Be Still and Know that I am Your Lord of Your Life...

Hi Friends,

Be prepared for a super super long blog i am about to share and these are some of the many thoughts and reflections i had over the weekend and including some interesting experiences. ... Are you ready?

Well, I kinda of missed out something which i felt was very important for me to share. Last Monday, during the Men's Cell Group Meeting, we had a Priest from India, Fr Aloysious. He preached something about prayer. And it's so ironic that last night, Terence K., was sharing something that was supposed to be practised in our Community but we did not persevere enough to practise them. In one of our AGM, about two years ago, we did mention that we are going to spend at least 15 minutes each day to pray .. but have we done so as a Community, during our own private time? Well, I must really thank God, through Fr. Aloysius, I was once again reminded to spend some time in prayer. And I have to admit that if not for my medication, I would not be have been able to wake up early .. as early as 5.30 a.m. automatically, every morning to spend at least just 5 - 10 minutes to pray. When I say pray, I meant silent time in the darkness (i prefer to be in the darkness anyway) ... trying my best not to talk to God but be still in the presence of God - to myself to 'soak' in His Graces and His Love.

I did this for the whole entire week except for Saturday morning. I was asking myself what is happening to me .. I seemed to be so larthargic (hope i have spelt correctly), lazy etc not motivated to leave the house or do anything ... i was lazing throughout the day. As i was reflecting, I came to realise that i was not spending that short period of time with God... not at all.

I must also thank God for giving me so much privacy with my new office setting. (oh yes, with my favorite picture of Jesus ... it makes a lot of difference for me too.) With my new office setting, I am given so opportunity to pray in the morning before i began my work each day and it has been very helpful. It is so conducive to pray and I am able to turn on some praise and worship song ... very softly la. One of the things i asked of the Lord each morning is to give me the strength to pull through the day though it may be difficult, tiring and at times stressful.

Take for instance this morning, I must say that yesterday 5th Sunday of Lent First Reading was really great. I needed to hear those words as i was struggling quite badly this morning with so much negative inner voices which I know it couldn't be from God. The voices of my past sins, mistakes etc was haunting me very badly. It affected me quite badly as I was struggling about my inadequacy and unworthiness in my service and ministry with the Lord. It haunted me so badly that i nearly break down. But the Mercy of God penetrated my heart this morning when i was inspired to read yesterday 1st reading ... (Isaiah 43:18-19)

"Remember not the events of the past, the things of long ago consider not; See, I am doing something new! Not it springs forth, do you not perceive it?"

This morning, as I was flipping my bible to Isaiah 43, I was also turning on my CD not knowing what the first music was. The CD was actually burnt by Marcus Foo a few years back so there was no title on it; just numbers... little did i know that it was the song Isaiah 43 ... it literally opened my eyes once again to experience the Presence of Jesus being with me despite my struggles of the negative inner voices. I felt that Jesus was speaking to me and affirming me not to fear for He is the Lord of my life. At that point in time, I was staring very closely upon Jesus ... contemplating upon His Loving Face. Praise be to God!!!

On top of that, God spoke to me once again through the Good News Reflection for today... to tell me not to fear but to be courageous ...

So let us encourage each other to pray each morning ... to spend time with God each day of our lives.

Colin Sng