unless a grain of wheat shall fall...

giving credit to Him

2007-07-28T12:17:00.000+08:00

thanks Joshua for heading praise and worship session yest.

My revelation for yest is why I still come running back to God after so many unexpected unpleasant events occured in my life.

Do we join a community to experience God or is cos of the love of God that we have the desire to share his love with others.

A question i was pondering about last week was the difference between my cycling team, my running team, my friends and community. I find joy riding round singapore to malaysia to thailand with my friends. I enjoy the comradaire in my running team, how we saw each other through the tough training everyday, was during this period of time that I ask myself this question," why do I still come travelling to and fro for community events, knowing that i will be issued another challenge which i may not be receptive to, why do I still come for community if I can spend the time cycling, n experience God on my own.

And so my question is answered. Its that simple. It is because of God. I join cycling because of my love of cycling. once the love of it gone is gone, naturally i will bid farewell to the team. I train with my running team because of the companionship and stay because of the common goal to achieve something together. If i one day i cannot run again, i will not stay and be happy just to be the team's water boy evvery other day. Yest when I was having high tea with 4 of my filty rich Tai tai aunties who are well respected individuals in shenton way, they frown when I told them I am not interested in pursuing double degree just to ensure a brighter future. They thought i was out of my mind pursuing a teaching profession rather than striving in the money rich economy. birds of the same flock come together, i spend the next 2 hrs filling my plate with food while they were talking about the shares to invest in, companies to look at, courses theier teenage children should take in order to ahead of the rest of their peers. Birds of the same kind flock together, the ugly duckling was a swan never accpeted because of it difference. the same reason why hillary and bush can't agree on things. andy anders0n and hillary are best of friends. Its basically the core, the ideals which hold friends, family, organisations together.

So why will i choose to still be part of a community, it will be cos of my love for God. The only time I will choose to leave a community is cos of my severed relationship with the lord, regardless of whether its cos of hurt, guilt, unforgiveness, pain, anger which make me do so. So its not about the community, but my relationship with God isn't it.

For those who were not ard yest, Joshua share with the kids how we all don't have to join minitries, communities, organise retreats just to impress God. Cos He actually just want us for who we are. He want us even though we are sinners, brokened and unworthly as we always feel we are. Its cos of our relationship with God, our love for Him, the love that overflow which results in us serving in our various ministries and communities.

I was at SPP in the afternoon. I wanted to prepare myself for the spiritual prep of the kids at night. When i was at adoration room reciting the rosary and devine mercy, I chance upon this phrase- family that prays together stays together.

I came back to the community yest regardless of how tired i was because i know that just simply being there, praying, will change lives. its just like sun tanning. we spend the day in the sun, most of the time not satisfied with our tan at the end of the day, but we always get darker than we already are. We may not see the lived we have changed, but we definitely have.

"Poem on Toil"

2007-06-16T18:02:00.000+08:00

Ages, it has been ages i have last blog .. if i am not wrong my last entry was about my Physics paper.. so many things have happened since the 1 month plus. The question that i asked myself was "have you been growing ?" I am not sure..... but i thank God for the experiences that i had.

I hope this is not an overdued thansgiving letter to Our Lord n Our Lady in relationship to my exam results. Praise the Lord that i cleared all my papers and esp my killer paper PHYSICS. I was so glad that I do not have to DO it again. Yah, i cLEARED with a D (a min pass). i was awed that God see me thro in all that I do.. in the process of going through this, i am indeed blinded by my expectation and how i have lost touch with GOD....

Since exams were over, i started work, i started to meet up with friends (friend that i found it hard to talk to and pple i am very comfortable with) and even started to be part of a new ministry-RCPM (Roman Catholic Prison Ministry). All these EVENTS in my life really added more meaning. It challenged me to move out of my comfort zones, at the same time to make me realised my own "hidden agenda" for example; i want to be appreciated n loved. hmm..... i praise God for allowing me to discover myself in the process.

anyway i will stop here, must get back the spirit to blog soon....

Leave this verse for us to ponder Ecclesiates 1: 2 - 11 (RSV)

Vanity of vanities, says the preacher
vanity of vanities! All is vanity.
What does man gain by all the toil
at which he toils under the sun?
A generation goes, and a generation comes,
but the earth remains forever.
The sun rises and th sun goes down,
and hastens to the place where it rises.
The wind blows to the south,
and goes round to the north;
round and round goes the wind,
and on its circuits the wind returns.
All streams run to the sea,
but the sea is not full;
to the place where the streams flow,
there they flow again.
All things are full of weariness;
a man cannot utter it;
the eye is not satisfied with seeing,
nor the ear filled with hearing.
What has been is what will be,
and what has been done is what will be done;
and there is nothing new under the sun.
Is there a thing of which is said,
" See, this is new"?
It has been already,
in the ages before us.
There is not remembrance of former things,
nor will there be any remembrance of later things yet
to happen among those who come after.

happy ppl of msc

2007-06-13T19:56:00.000+08:00

I went trekking with Janice today!

it was a breathtaking experience being able to interact with God's creation, which really really testify His Love. all the creatures, all the beauty will testify your love

never have I seen this sight of singapore before, i never take time to appreciate the uniquenesss of singapore wild life. Sure I have trekked so many forest and jungles in 2 yrs, but I never tried to understand the beauty and purpose of the soil, insects and plants.

It took me away from all the hustle in the city. The feeling was like the 4 days in Thailand, when the soul suddenly have a peek into God's kingdom, without any distractions, without any devilish thoughts lurking around.
Whats better than understanding the beauty of it all from a fellow sister in Christ.

We will be camping ( staying overnight ) and hiking in pulau ubin next week.
Join us!

but a word of caution- you are gonna be muddy, you will get bitten by insects and slapped by brunches, my timbleland shoes are now like mud shoes of cave men after today

But all is worth it for the fun, interaction with God's creation and the feeling of being lifted up into the skies to appreciate it all!

THe world is complicated, God is simple.
Yes God, I want a simple life which equals to following you.

I Will Testify Your Love

2007-06-13T19:14:00.000+08:00

I want to praise, i want to thank God for the beautiful semester, for seeing through the semester, to be indifferent to what people say about me but depend fully on you for guidance. for letting my character pull through, for spilling over your love to the people around me, for I am proud to have been an instrument of you in school.

Just as I thought I have messed up another sem, doing my after action review, trying to find out what went wrong, a close friend from my course msg me today thanking me for my help.

Just when I thought things will only get harder, that it is gonna be a start of a cold battle betw me and the financial world, a friend opened my heart to God's love once again.

My friend and I were just platonic friends who only attend one module together, turn project mates, beng head strong, we were having endless verbal war with one another. I never dreamed we will ever share about our private life, and become study partners one day.

As I thought back about how it all started, it was really God's grace that I had the humility and patience. Project intially was a selfish thing, I make sure everyone fits into my time table and not the other way round, when things go wrong, trouble shooting what went wrong was not done out of love but out of own selfish wants of getting my 'A'

One day, in the midst of the semester, i went for mass and was challenged to let Love be the centre of everything I do.

And I tried so hard to put that into perspective all the time, it was hard, it was a struggle, but I carried my cross.

That is what makes a catholic different from a normal person

the happiness I showed even during the most difficult time brought joy to people.

was it worth it? to always let people step on you? to struggle all the time when things could be much easier?

A brother of mine told me that I did not give up everything for nothing. but I gave up everything for Everything. Profound? - ponder

when I thought God was not there, the same brother told me that God is always there

I teared. one time, two times

And I am tearing again at the moment for how amazing his love is. For I am affirmed by his love. He showed me the fruits i reaped. I may not have done well, but I have was an instrument of his Love.

having a birthday cake in the midst of the exams seems impossible, my friends made it possible. I never see it beyond the reason that we have been through ups and downs together the whole sem. But today, I thank God for the character I have shown, which made all this possible.

I want to get A
I want a double degree
I want to be in the 'cool' gang
I want to be different

Oh well, I may seem limp and fake to never dream of big cars, house or being an associate one day

I just know I am just so happy, jumping for joy just to able to testify your love!

Steven

2007-06-07T10:43:00.000+08:00

THese are some of the photos taken during my trip in Malacca ...

(remember to include ur name AND label at the end!!)

"I just called to say i love you" by Steview Wonder

2007-06-06T13:07:00.000+08:00

Dearest Brothers and Sisters in Christ,

I am sharing this wonderful experience i had with my father this morning ... i just sense the Lord doing something more in my and my father's life which i don't know what it is.

Well, this morning, my father messsaged me, as usual asking me about my life and situation in Singapore. I just updated him that i came back from the Malacca from the Set Free seminar and then he replied me sharing with me his courtship days with my mother in Malacca back in 1978. In fact, just before I left for Malacca, my mother was sharing me the same thing and she told me the times when they were both holding hands together and people back then were damn weird la ... they were both looking at my parents holding hands together; thinking my parents were weirdos ... after that, i replied him that "ya ... it seemed to bring you back a lot of memories and all."

And then, this is what he replied me via sms, "It sure brings back all those memories which i am so afraid of. Only this morning, i cried when i heard Stevie Wonders's "I just call to say i love you..." it's the song that i know you love and saw you singing so happily when you were just so young. Remember? Now you know why I said i am so afraid of remembering my past. It hurts so much that everytime this happens, i need to pray to God to forgive me for what i have done to you both."

I am glad that he's repentant about what he has done and i believe God has already forgiven him. In any case, I have written him a long long letter which was long overdued since Good Friday. It was on Good friday that he told me he had a beautiful experience of the our loving and merciful God and he broke down so much during the whole service during Good Friday. I always wanted to follow up from there since He's in New Zealand and actually wanted to ask him to go for one of the Schools in ICPE - New Zealand so that he could grow more and more in his faith journey with Jesus.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pblg2fuxl4M&mode=related&search=

Do check out this song... I believe some of you might know this songs ... oh yes ... this song really brings me back a lot of memories. This is one of the songs that my father and i really like it. I use to see him as my role model especially when he sing songs like this .. there are actually more songs than this but i could not remember most of them. I remember him as my role model ... especailly when he helps out in the family with those carpentry and repairing work ... just like a relationship with Joseph and Jesus... i mean it man ... the last work i did with him before my parents divorced was when he did with me my O Level Design and Technology Project - i got an A for that ...

Come to think of it ... he actually taught so much skills when i was young .. but i never actually continued from there as i have forgotten much of it.

With Love,
Your brother in Christ,

Colin Sng

2007-06-06T09:55:00.000+08:00

This photo was taken with Fritz and Diana Mascarenhas (their youngest daughter) from ICPE India (http://www.icpe.org/MC_Home.php?MCID=8) @ the Set Free Seminar in Malacca - Good Shepherd Seminary. So privilege to take photograph with them. They are really a role model to me man ... I just pray that one day I would be like them if God ever willed to be a couple ICPE Missionary. They are such a wonderful inspiration to me especially when they shared about their journey towards marriage and they literally surrendered their whole lives to God our loving and perfect Father. Can you believe it ... Fritz did not even pursue Diana ... what he did was he surrendered all His Plans to our Loving Father - complete trust.

For those who are not aware, this Set Free Seminar, to me was super good for young adults. It covers topic on relationships, friendships, boundaries, human sexuality, and sex. The topics covered are so essential in our growth towards marriage especially those who think that their personal vocation is a call towards marriage ...

Anyway, there might be a possibility that Diana might be organizing a similar session (Set Free) in November 2007 in Singapore itself. She came to Singapore in November 2005 ...

"God of Relationships" - Set Free Seminar

2007-06-05T10:28:00.000+08:00

Dearest BASIC,

As you all know, I went for a weekend retreat @ Malacca by Fritz and Diana (Couple Missionary) from ICPE - India. It was known as the "Set Free" Seminar where it touches a lot on psycho-spirituality and human sexuality. How psychospirituality can really affect our relationship with God and the people around us ... One of the important lessons i learnt over e weekend is that psycho-spirituality is about this .. that we uses psychology to understand ourselves and also the relationships that we encounter in our daily lives. HOwever, we can't just simply depend on psychology as it will just stop at understanding but forgetting the importance of the Divinity of God .. hence, psycho-spirituality is also about allowing the Holy Spirit to heal that area of our relationship so that we could move on to be a much more wholesome person ... to be set free from our bondages that we are not even aware of. So the goal of healing is about allowing God to make us to be whole once again ...

In any case, I would say it is quite a handful for me .. there were so much thoughts in my mind that i did not really had the opportunity to jot down and to internalized my thoughts until last evening when i was with the Men-to-Men Fellowship session at Coffee Bean (S'goon Gardens)... there are 13 of us there. It was when i started internalizing and sharing that i got the whole big picture of what is God telling during the weekend. And again, He is challenging some more now ... after so much of Divine Experiences on His Divine Providence.

Well, before I began, perhaps, I would like to give a summary of what we actually went through over the past three days. One of the topics we dealt with was on Erik Erikson's personality theory (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erik_Erikson). Diana was the one who presented the topic and she gave quite a number of examples. It was when she spoke about young adults on (Intimacy vs. Isolation) and then she go on sharing about one particular example on promises. During that period, I felt the Holy Spirit was really speaking to me - this is really the time when God intervene into my life. I broke down when Diana mentioned about promises and waiting and it was exactly when i remembered the time when I was really young i kept pestering and asking my father when he will be coming back. I was waiting and waiting but to no avail. He promise that he will come back but he did not. I remembered how I have this deep belief that the family that prays together stays together so I was actually literally waiting for him to come back so that we could really pray together as a family that was what i really wanted at that point in time.

And then, the Lord shared with me more stuff over the next two days where it was really written in the Scriptures that those who says that He love the Lord but does not love his neighbour is a liar. It really hit me as well. I really that i could really relate to God of Providence so much especially after so many experiences i had with the Lord in the area of providence. It then dawned upon me that i could trust in His Divine Providence but could not trust Him in terms of relationships. For those who have been journeying with the Community long enough would probably agree with me that most of my mistakes that i have made in the past are all related to relationships. I realised that i had this tendency to cling on to people very easily as what Diana/Fritz would put it ... co-dependent relationships. That is not a healty relationship .. and all these are due to my deep insecurity in me hence, causing so much of mistakes especially in the area of ministry. I have fallen so many times because i was not able to trust in the God of Relationships. And this also applies to my struggle with the people within my family and even Janice. I could not trust Him enough that the time will come when He will provide me with the right person in my life. With regards to the Divine PRovidence, well i guess I was able to trust Him in the area of providence simply because I was provided much when i was very young before my parents were divorce especially since i was the only child. Whatever i asked for, I was practically given but of course, they know their limits and they would provide me what is really important for me.

I felt the Lord is really challenging to accept what has happened in the past of my father not promising what he promised and to move on. But i do admit that i have move on in the area of my anger towards my father in a lot of ways but there are still some areas that God is going to move me more and more. But i guess another message that the Lord was telling me was my relationship with my mother. What i felt was that i was able to relate to God the Father so much that i have neglected my relationship with my mother and the people around me such that i have isolated myself . In fact, I was pretty aware of how much i have isolated myself from the rest of the people through using the laptop or the computer in my office to shut myself off from the people. This isolation i felt was so much to do with the many hurts i have been through due to the mistakes that i made as i cross many boundaries of others and not learning to balance to take a step back when it's necessary. I was fearful to create a healthy relationship with others hence this isolation has been so evidental lately within my family and hence, the Lord is really challenging me to come out of my comfort zone which is really a big struggle for me.

But i believe that i first need to accept myself more and more and also to accept that situation that happened many years back when my father did not act on his promises which affected my situation now.

So i pray that God will heal me more and more and to set me free from the bondage of being isolated from the people around me.

Thanks.

With Love,
Your brother in Christ,
Colin Sng

Do we forgive to have faith or have faith to forgive?

2007-06-04T21:35:00.000+08:00

Rem i shared about my relationship with my mum some weeks back?

well, one week ago, i quarrelled with her. in the tense situation, i took the opportunity to really say out my true feelings to her, about how hurt i was in the way she treated me, about how unappreciated i felt. i thought it would end up in a bitter cold war, but thank God it didn't. the good thing was, becos we both were full of pride, i put a challenge before her :"since we are both at fault, i am willing to change. are you?" thank God she said yes. dunno what i'd do if she said no. so well, cos of my pride, and my big mouth, i have to do wat i said: change. maybe it was good too. costhe days that followed, i could see we really did put in effort to give in to each other, even tho it was in the tiniest things. but it was a good start.

during those times, i prayed so much about it for the grace to want to do something about it. didn't expect God's grace to come in this form. but i was also very awe-struck when there was one day that i read the daily mass readings and there was this passage about faith and forgiveness. i was wondering wat has faith got to do with forgiveness? and i realized how GOd spoke to me.

rem in my previous post, i didn't believe in God's love for me, that was about not having the faith in God's love. and this issue is about forgiveness. so do we forgive in order to have faith or have faith in order to forgive? during one of the weekdays, i went for novena noon mass, and it was so "coincidental" that it was they were having the divine mercy devotion (forgiveness). the priest spoke about how we never think too much about all the planes that land safely in the airport but once there is A plane crash, it becomes the headline. we have focused too much on the negative things and have not looked at the positive things enough. when we really look at the numerous blessings/help/miracles/providence/goodness that God has given me in my life, i will have the faith that "Yes God does love me afterall". when i'm convicted of God's love for me, i believe in His mercy for me too. If God has mercy on me, can i (an imperfect being) not have mercy on my mother too? perhaps it may sound very cliche, but i guess mere words will never be able to fully express the tangible experience that i felt and went through.

I truly praise GOd for this wonderful, healing experience and encounter. i can actually "see" the effects of this transformation taking place, manifested in having more peace when talking to my mother (forgiveness), and believing more and more that i can be loved in my relationship (faith in God's love thru my relationship). Thank you dearest Father, for healing me! I love you too!

Lynn

Prayer is like using hair conditioner

2007-06-04T21:11:00.001+08:00

My oh my, it's been ages since i last blog cos of exams, post-exam activities, marking, etc. i'm finally here today to pen some thoughts, in fact many thoughts have come and gone.

i rem slightly more than a month ago (Labour Day), i was struggling with relationship, with the insecurity and the need to constantly feel important to someone. felt frustrated to the point that i became very stressed and tired of this insecure feeling. took a break from relationship for awhile. and realized that i was too overly-attached to the need to feel important all the time. perhaps it was becos i felt small and insignificant all the time, so i needed to feel important all the time to counter the sad fact of my insignificance and unimportance.

came to realize that i was not at all convinced of God's love for me at all. i recall having this realization last year in dec, think during the retreat. over the months when school started, i just conveniently forgot about it, swept it under the carpet, and now it's here to haunt me again. my need to feel important before God manifested itself in my need to feel important in my relationship, needed to be treated like a princess (haha), needed to be given priority all the time. i say yes, u better dun say no. i say left, u better dun say right. made me feel very self-centred.

over the short time away, i was really looking for a breakthrough. i really wanted to be healed of this once and for all. i really didn't want this thing to bug me anymore, it was too tiring. so i really made the decision to pray daily, for the first time. though i've been in ministry so many years, how ironic that i never made the effort to pray daily, even though i preach about it at every camp that we do. this time, i was serious. i figured my freshest time of the day would be immediately after a bathe. so almost everyday after my bathe, no matter what time, i would fix the next 15 minutes after bathe time for prayer. since i hated monotony, i would require a prayer that changes everyday. what better prayer than to pray the daily mass readings, Word of God. so i did.

first 5 min: thank God for any moments i felt His presence and help, as well as to offer up that prayer time to God. i realize asking God to sanctify and purify our time to God is crucial in really making the prayer time productive and enriching, becos in maintaining prayer, it's never just about using our human strength, it's always a collaboration with God, so how can we not ask God to help us, even if it's just asking Him to keep us faithful and focused in that 15 min. next 5 min, read the first reading, the responsorial psalm and the day's Gospel, slowly as though i was reading at the pulpit for mass. last 5 min, reflect and dwell on any part of the readings that i like, or that struck me, or that i dun understand. end off with a glory be. this 15 min daily prayer has kept me going till now.

i came to learn that building up our prayer life is like using conditioner for our hair. the very first time u use a hair conditioner, you would not be able to tell its effect. only when u use it consistently over a period of time, then can u tell if it's a good conditioner or not. similar, if u stop using the conditioner just for one day, it would not affect your hair quality very much. but if u stop using it for a few days, you can actually feel that your hair is rougher and less manageable. same for prayer. if we only pray 1,2 or 3 days, we would not feel the peace and guidance of the Spirit in our lives effectively. only when we consistently keep to a prayer routine, then can we feel God's wisdom and strength consistently. and even if u stop prayer for one day, it's fine as long as u pick it up again the next day. the danger here is that once u stop for one day, there is a higher tendency to stop the second day. this is where the real danger lies. i noticed that same effect with taking my thyroid medicine, my vitamin pills, even in relationship.

Consistency is the word here.

Lynn

MSC! (:

2007-06-03T15:57:00.000+08:00

hello!

as i was walking down from church today, i was just thinking about msc, and realising that this is such a blessing in my life! (: haha. and i was blogging and thot it would be quite good to post it here too! (:

being in msc really amazes me sometimes, amidst all the teasings and fun
and laughter we share, and all the seriousness, the quarrels, the struggles,
the busy-ness and high committment level of things, the long meetings and the
prayerful mood sessions, the friendships built and the deep sharings between
people, the special hanging-out and ado sessions, the starting of a new
beginning, new ministries and new cell groups......
sometimes it can be so overwhelming when i see everything slowly unfolding to see how God is leading us all the way esp how far we have come, sometimes so upsetting when i feel left out and sometimes feel so happy cos i feel so integrated in it all. this whole myraid of feelings just shows how much msc means to me, too much to ever want to be without it ever. (:
you all are really such a special bunch of people in my life.
so really, i thank God for MSC, and for all of you for being a part of it. (:

2007-05-24T03:46:00.000+08:00

The only thing to treat evil is with Love of God

2007-05-23T00:31:00.000+08:00

Hi peeps! i had so much thoughts during class just now. so glad to see shireen and darren there... i thought i will be the only one la!

anyway what I gonna talk about will have no link to the title above. The above title was just some thoughts triggered off in the afternoon. Jude shared with me once that God does not treat evil people the way we will want them to be treated. cos he wants the most evil person to return to him

which ties in with mass today, when father said that we should not worry bout the wrong things we did yest, but think about how to lead a christ like life tomorrow. which is also in line with today's class on how even Saul, the person who persecuted the early disciples became an instrument of God.

ACTS 10:15
what God has made clean, you have no right to call it profone

ACTS 10: 28
God has made it clear to me that I must not call anyone profone or unclean.

simply, we are not to talk bad about other religion, race, country or colour. It is so easy today to blame people for the wrong things which happen around us which breeds evil. For me, a good example will be simply saying foreigners are not religious people, raise academic standards and thus I don't like foreigners. which breeds devilish thoughts(sins in me)... something i need to reflect on.

Guilty of anything??? anybody?

because what we eat is never unclean, it is our words, actions which may be unclean

& jean thanks for coming! so sorry for the erm.. know u were tired and u had to come out of the car... sorry for the carelessness! my mind was still on the lesson!
It left such an impact:

read ACTS- 9:1-30 on conversion of Paul

In experience, Paul discovered Jesus. In discovery of Jesus, he discovered God.

After the explanation of the whole ACT, i reflected on it and really become part of me and suddenly, lots of inspirations just keep running thru my head.

The series of events Paul Went thru:

God's experience
persecuting Jesus.
believe in risen Lord
believe in risen Lord
go on a mission

What is our God experience? when and how did we exp Him

each of us have our own God experience, that is the start of us knowing our Christian life. By our life experience with God, we are chosen instruments, witness of Jesus, to spread the catholic faith by actions, words, and not by bugging ppl to become one.

Acts 7: 2-53-
we are witness to God's grace, who saves us. (salvation history)

I was reminded once again of the word Commitment.
what is our mission?
what is more important in our lives
why do we struggle?

correct me if i am wrong, it has been something i have been praying about these few weeks since my return. Then was revealed in class to me today. My jaws literally dropped

It was response to a question I asked Jude a while back.
-why we struggle

Stephen the deacon, the 1st martyr-an example for all disciples to follow. he lives his life according to the word of Jesus, reached out and touch people's life, faced struggles along the way, every disciple must do the same.

many parallel can be drawn between Jesus and Stephen:
-proclaim the good news
-strong faith
-got in trouble for proclaiming the good news
-get trialled
-get condemned
-executed
-die same way as Jesus

because the end result is all that matters:

"But Stephen filled with the hol spirit, gazed into heaven and saw the glory of God, and Jesus standing on the right on the father. 'I can see heaven thrown open' he said.

Acts 7: 55

Stephen, with the grace of God, power of the spirit, saw his glorification,

and we disciples are all called to glory

In summary:

In times of evil, what do we use to counter evil? evil can = war, materialism, internal fight with masturbation, stealing, so what do we use?- weapons, words, weak points of people?
Simply God's love though the use of the only "weapon he gives us"-our brain
the best and most dangerous weapon of man- the human brain!
Through history, Arts, music, plays are expression of oneself, reflection of one's culture, that is why we can't lose them, or take them for granted. Its is the fundamental that keeps us grounded

Each of us have our own God experience.

We are the apostles of today, we save the lives of others, not us, then who?

For me, the homework for today is to reflect on the struggles i face. For now, i only can think bout troubles like balancing faith and school work, helping the poor-like Christians are to help the poor right, but how to carry it out and how frequen?(I really wonder if giving 10cent to every little boy and gal doing cip is counted), struggles with how I should treat people(simple things like not being angry with drivers on the road, people digging nose, burping in front of me to things like lying???) in summary- guess its struggle with putting God in perspective in my lifestyle.

But I guess there is more to struggle. so that explains the homework!

shireen, darren! what is your take for today

praise Lord for our cell group! i feel so inspired to write because I know there will be a lot of response. right collin, eve, kenny, cons?

Seek Ye First the Kingdom of God PART II

2007-05-21T14:47:00.000+08:00

Hey friends,

A months or even a year ago, ... can't remember exactly when ... i read this testimony by a couple lay missionaries from ICPE. And i was reading this article, i realised their story is similar to my with so much surprises ahead in my life ... it's so real la!!! And towards the end of the testimony, he mentioned about "Seek ye first the Kingdom of our God ... everything will be given unto you!!!" Praise be to God!!!!

http://www.icpe.org/Testimonies_Detail.php?TestimonyCriteriaPass=&ResultRow=4
ICPE -Testimonies

Check it out ... May this inspire each and everyone of us to seek God first ... seek His Heart and everything will be given unto us.

With Love,
Your brother in Christ,
Colin Sng

Yours Truly

2007-05-21T00:44:00.000+08:00

Hey!

Ok there are lots on my mind now, so i guess i have to blog!

Today, I attended evening mass at OLPS for my rites of acceptance.
Father GReg started the homily with the story of the oprea "Madam Butterfly"

Madam butterfly is a famous opera which was in Singapore 2 yrs back. This yr is at its 100th yr running.

Anyway father was preaching about the origins of the opera. The opera was initially written by Giacomo Puccini, but half way, b4 he could finish the opera, he died. At his death bed, he asked his disciples to continue on with his work.
His disciples, whose lives were greatly inter wined because of his work and Puccini as a person, continued his work.

when the opera was showed for the 1st time at broadway, half way into the play, the orchestra stopped playing. the actors stopped at their positions and became solemn,
his disciple who was leading the orchestra, turned around, and told the audience," this is where my master-Puccini stopped at his work. The rest of the work was continued by me as he had wanted." With that, they observed a min of silence before continuing on with the show.

At the end of the show, the audience said that this show was extraordinary and left a deep impact in all of them. It wasn't because the author walked onto the stage at the end of it all and they felt it was a good show, it wasn't because the story was beautiful in the first place, was the humanity shown by the disciple, the love he showed to his master which brought the audience deeper into the opera, giving them a whole new experience.

After this story was told, I had a picture of Jesus and his mission in my mind.

How we are the apostles of today, its us and no one else, how we are called to carry on the Lord's work.

and this phase struck me:

he come, he died and he conquered

he come, he died and he conquered!

During the past week, I was trying to bringing life to the video, trying to get this message across- about how we are called to carry on his mission. I had many visions in my mind, many skeletons, but no matter how i try to change the flow of video, sounds, it still seem so dry. I wasn't satisfied with what I do, cos I wasn't able to bring out the whole experience of it all. That was when I decided to put in a voice over to it. Till today, I was super vexed over the video besides other things, and during morning mass i was trying so hard just to convince myself to leave the video in God's hands. he will take care of the rest.

After a day of events, I realized that I have missed the point. To portray carrying out his mission will be just impossible to do. Because it is showing a process of realization a person has to go through, to have transformation of heart, to experience the healing process himself, to become a llving testimony of God's love.

End of day, it is the realization that Jesus is the only way, its only through the Father that we find real happiness, to be living testimony, and we portray this 'joy' of realization to the people around us, how our lives were changed that we spread the 'love'.

And that is why it starts with me

it starts with my own inner healing, my own prayer time, my own walk with God before I can know more about God which will eventually lead to reaching out to others.

And I really praise Lord for this cell, for this blog. As I look through my past entries, in fact all the posts of everyone, I realized how much I/We have all grown along the way. And I realized how community has indeed changed my life just by the posts. I looked back on my entry on how i had issues with the community and today- It is such a vast difference. I think one thing really struck me today was how Collin approached me and we had so much to share about. prior to the blog, I will have felt that we have anything in similarities, that he won't understand the things i go through. Its only through the blog that some dark areas of our lives were surfaced, I know about his life, and through his courage in listening to the Holy Spirit that made me ponder more about the mysteries of God.

I thank God for this cell and blog. sadly and excitingly, it is going to be June soon! Before we bid this cell group farewell and spread our love and blogging fever around, lets have a meet up!!

i think we should do something for a change.

and cons, kenny, colin, eve, darren so super tired after work n need something to energize!( me and shireen bumming ard hahha) i getting fatty legs already, lets go canoing!!! (so cons, don't go out w guy no time for us hoh heh!!)

East Coast Park
SAT 26 May / 2 Jun
$10 per houf

or

ROCK CLIMBING!!!

very fun. I have all the equipments.very safe, very easy to learn. sure to enjoy.

Climb Adventure
tanjong pagar
$6 per person
same dates

ORR

K la, if all else fails, lets just chill at some place.

discuss on Tag k! see which day good for everyone

Ok take care everyone!! hear from you soon.

anyway I just injured my finger just now. same finger same hand as evelyn k...haha.and i couldn't stop thinking bout what eve said bout pointing the middle finger at her students, sub consciously i was showing it at the doc hahaa

Steven

Seek Ye First the Kingdom of God ...

2007-05-19T15:43:00.001+08:00

Dearest Brothers and Sisters in Christ,

Well, once again, I have much to share with you BASIC.

For the past few weeks, I have been struggling quite a bit trying to seek for confirmation and affirmations from the Lord. I am sure you guys heard about my testimonies about how God has been providing me. Well, if you guys have read my previous long long blog entitled "Time to submit your paper" This is time round with regards to this blog, i would continue where the Lord has left off from there. So much to share from where He is leading me now in my search for Him in life.

This morning, I went for morning in SFX. Just before I went for mass, i was asking God once again whether it is His Will for me to accept the gift that my godfather is giving me. It was really a great gift and i need a confirmation from the Lord where this would be the right time and whether this is truly from our Loving and Perfect Father. I kept asking and struggling with it. I was struggling because to some extent, my mother was not too please about the idea but she gave me the freedom to choose and decide on my own. I have to admit that i have been struggling because i needed the support of my mother to decide and of course, i have tendency of the need to please others. But since she gave me the 'green light' to decide on my own, i turn to the Lord to seek for confirmation and affirmation. I told the Lord this morning that I need you to confirm with me that this is truly your will and then, I would not be straying away from you by accepting this gift. This very generous gift of yours ... if this is truly His gift for me.

Well, in one of my blogs, I mentioned that i have decided not to accept it. I wrote to my godfather the reasons why i am not accepting twice. I rejected his offer twice. But as i was rejecting this offer, i knew deep down in my heart i wanted the gift. I knew, as well, that this would be of great use for me and the people around me. It would be a gift where i could share with others well. And moreover, it will save a lot of my time waiting for the buses and MRT especially since i have decided to pick up my studies once again. In another words, i will be studying, working and ministering... I would be very taxed. My commitment will all be affected. If you could remember in one of my super long blog about my discernment process towards my studies. There were about 8 pointers altogether (if i am not wrong). Of the six pointers, 2 of them are my greatest anxieties and worries. But i put in on hold and i surrender to God since He has given me the go ahead with my studies plans. The 2 worries were my financial burdens and time commitment. And by the grace of God, two of my worries were resolved in just one email from my godfather.

In any case, as i was struggling with those questions as i woke up this morning. The Lord affirmed me once again that I should accept this gift. On Wedneday, the day before Ascension day, I had a chat with a friend, a catholic friend who we shared quite a bit in our faith journey. We usually chat on MSN. While talking to this friend, I became quite convinced that the Lord is fine with the idea and that this is gift for me. Next, that very evening, I met up with Edwyn d'souza ... and he shared with me something that really struck me ... God is crazy and insane about me ... His love for me is truly and really insane. He gave me the full support of that idea and he boost me with confidence that i will be able to drive well. Actually he said more than that, but these were some of the significant words that really strucks me. It was then that i became aware that this is really way beyond my dream to accept such a generous gift from my godfather. Even after talking to him, there were some negative inner voices that haunt me and i was quite affected by it especially this morning.

However, it was this morning that I told the Lord to confirm the message. He spoke to me twice. Even after I received the first confirmation this morning (at mass), I was still not convinced, so i told the Lord, I needed one more confirmation. And true enough, he confirmed with me through Raymond Tan during our core group meeting as I was sharing with the core about my good news.

It was in today's Gospel that i received the confirmation:

Jn 16:23 - 27

"On that day you will not question me about anything. Amen, amen, I say to you, whatever you ask the Father in my name he will give you. Until now you have not asked anything in my name; ask and you will receive, so that y our joy may be complete."

"I have told you this in figures of speech. The hour is coming when i will no longer speak to you in figures but I will tell you clearly about the Father. On that day you will ask in my name, and I do not tell you that I will ask the Father for you. For the Father himself loves you, because you have first love me and have come to believe that i came from God."

The second paragraph struck me very hard that i broke down in tears during mass. That He loves me so crazily and insanely that he giving me something way beyond my expectation and dream. Having a car is something that i never dream really dream of ... way at the bottom of my list. But my Father in heaven knows me so well that he giving me something that I have never expected. Though my earthly father has left my family, as what Jeanette had shared in her blog, the heavenly father said taht He would like to be my father.

Even after i went for mass, I was still not so convinced, because Father Gerard was saying about cars .. that we should not be asking things like new car, new home blah blah .. i like opps ... so i was still struggling with it. It was when I was in the adoration, i ask God to confirm with me one more time. And He did, He spoke through Raymond Tan. After I shared my story, He said that this could be a way of evangelization as I drive this car around. It is only when we seek the kingdom of God then everything will be given unto you. And guess what ... as he was sharing that message ... something hit me ... in that very gospel that was read this morning came to me as something that it linked to Luke 11:9 - 13:

"And I tell you, ask and you will receive; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives; and the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opene. What father among you would hand his son a snake when he asks for a fish? Or hand him a scorpion when he asks for an egg? if you then, who are wicked, know how to give a good gifts to children, how much more will the Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to thos who ask him?"

Never did i knew that that same passage was actually linked to one of my favorite hymn ... Seek ye first the Kingdom of God .. this was the song that the left for me 8 years ago when my father separated from my mother. It was at that time, my first time when i met my father after i heard the news. Some of you might remember the story. For those who have not heard, here's the story. I remembered i was crying a lot when i heard that my father is leaving the family and that he has another family of his own. It was very heartbroken for me. At that time, i was working part time in Middle Road which is near Bugis Junction - it was in April 2000. Before i went to see my father, i was in the toilet praying in tongues asking the Lord to speak through me as i meet him. Just imagine, i was meeting him up in the restaurant, and then all of a sudden as i was talking to him ... Seek ye first the kingdom of God sonng was played. During that time, that song kept coming to me la. And the moment when i needed God most, God was there for me with that song asking me to seek his kingdom before anything else.

As my father left me, so does the Heavenly Father became more and more real in my life especially in the last 8 months since my opertions. I became more aware of my sonship with Him. And that I needed the Heavenly Father more than anything else and that He is truly the Perfect and Loving Father in my life.

So when we seek Him first, He will add things that you least expect ... and true enough i did not expect much and my dearest daddy is giving me something much more than what i expected ... praise be to God ..

It was so ironic tat, Father Robert Fabricy, the same priest who would be coming to Singapore next weekend at the Pentecost Sunday in Holy Spirit Church, prophesied something 7 years ago that there was a boy who is angry with his father and I broke down very badly because deep inside me i knew the Lord was talking about me .... for those who could remember, it was held in Habour Pavilion. If i am not wrong, it was a healing rally back then. How wonderful it is that we are celebrating Pentecost Sunday next week and the same passage up there spoke to me ... in Luke that ask for the Holy Spirit and it will be given to you .. Praise be to God!!!

With Love,
Your brother in Christ,
Colin Sng

Broken Dreams

2007-05-15T20:19:00.000+08:00

every family has its own problems.

i remember a few years ago, i was very upset about some imperfections in my family, and i shared with one of you and that was what that person told me, and though it seems quite a pessimistic statement, it gave me comfort, in a way, to know that i'm not facing this alone.

this mother's day was quite a dramatic one, i was just having this internal struggle for most part of last week, about how irritating my sisters were, again, about how so many people have been telling me to change my sister's image, cos she looked like a guy, and about how reading her blog gave me so much uneasiness but i just couldn't just go up to her and talk to her about it. then there was the worry about my other sister just staying home whole day and really just not doing anything, and she doesnt think that there's anything wrong with not doing anything useful at all for the past 5-6 months. ya.. dunno how she does it too la. worrying about how she might not wanna face people, still having that shyness of a little kid when made to buy food or just not having enough social skills.

then my mum keeps worrying me about her health, and when i advise her on things she should do, like food to avoid etc, she'd sometimes snap at me, but when she's really worried or not feeling well, she'd appear so helpless. for all my life, i've been looking up to my parents for being sure and confident of what to do, especially in a situation when i don't know what to do, i'd look to them for solutions, so much so that i couldn't tolerate that helplessness she felt. like hello you're supposed to know more than me, if you're helpless how do you expect me to help you? but i realise that i'm no longer a young child who is dependent on her parents to help her out in situations, now responsibilities are slowly being added onto my shoulders as well. maybe it's just the feeling of all that becomes very overwhelming and somewhat suffocating the past week.

so i was supposed to go out with my cousin after session on sunday, but she msged me in the morning saying her dad ran away, so she had to stay with her mum to console her. and i was very shocked at the news la! n suddenly all my own grouses about my family appeared so so small, and im really just glad that my family is together. and i knew my cousin was angry with her dad, and with everything that happened, and i could tell her to reconcile and forgive. its so easy to say, but when small little things that irritate me, or get to me, it's so hard for me to let go too. but thank God, my uncle came back so hopefully things are better now.

everytime i pray i have to really really remind myself to stop worrying and trust. haha, then yesterday at the great bible adventure (eh, it's really quite inspiring, if you're free can go! 8-9pm on monday nights in our room!), talked about how abraham really trusted God even when God asked him to offer Isaac as a sacrifice. It really made me reflect on how much i trust God with the big and small things in my life. and then i saw a bookmark in my bible, it read,

Broken Dreams

As children bring their broken toys with tears for us to mend,

I brought my broken dreams to God because He was my friend.

But then instead of leaving Him in peace to work alone,

I hung around and tried to help with ways that were my own.

At last, I snatched them back and cried,

"How could you be so slow?"

"My child," He said,

"What could I do? You never did let go."

so yup, that was really a very clear message for me to 'cast my cares on Him'. and stop worrying! hahaha.

anyway, im having my preceptorship now, and cos i am attached to watsons, and it's retail, i was supposed to work shifts BUT!! my preceptor is SO SO NICE he cancelled the afternoon shift! so i can go for dance aND the bible great adventure AND ascension day mass at 8 with everyone else! YAY. i almost had to go for the 630am one la!!! thank God!

children, revolution of tmr

2007-05-14T19:58:00.000+08:00

this morning i was getting ready for tmr Acts of Apostles lesson, reading the book of ACTS. I went to town in the afternoon to get my MAC and handphone repaired. Borders was having a 3 for the price of 2 sales today! how can I not go see the books, so i spent the afternoon at Borders.

I chanced upon this book-'knowing your roots', a case study of how our ancestors will have an effect on us. The study was done on Oprah Winfrey.

The book started off with Oprah sharing about her life. It is that sort of deep sharing that we have faithfully done all this while (praise Lord!)
If you have the time, do read up about her, she is in Times 100 important people of the year by the way. She was sexually abused at age of 9-14, she kept thinking that it is her fault till the age of 40, and cos of brokenness in her, she was suicidal during her teenage years. But God being God, placed people in her life, made good her circumstances, for her to become Union president during her high school(despite her having a baby before), to become a good student, God had great plans for her, she didn't fail in listening to the calling, and today, she is paving the way for the youths of African American.

A Bit Of History-
African Americans lead a tough life. Being slaves since of start of Queen Victoria Time-time when colonization of the world by European Powers started taking place, History of slaves, African Americans were separated from their family members and friends, reason being the Europeans wanted to prevent unity which will bring about riots. In the process of hardship, poor living standards, many African American died nameless, their roots uprooted. IF an African American of today is to proclaim that he has no slave as an ancestor, he will be lying. As their ancestors were slaves, many of them are looked down by the Whites evern till today. More importantly, many African Americans do not see their worth, not knowing about their roots, how many tried to put right the African Americans' lives, some are ashamed by their past, many choose to ignore the past, creating a new identity of Hip Hop black music. This resulted in violence, mistrust in America, the broken generation of today.

A good show to watch will be 'Crash' which depicts the situation of coloured people in America society.

If you look into history, many blacks have portrayed courageous behavior, fighting against poverty, slavery, for the rights of the people. many died in the process.
Oprah Winfrey's dad told her this when she was unmotivated to study during her teens," Do you know how many lives were sacrificed, how many people died for you to be here today. Your crown was paid for by someone else."

Wow! Something struck me when i read this statement. During JYC, someone said that we are all VIPS, all of us from different nations who were there for the retreat are VIPS, wearing invisible suits and coats. I remembered jean and I were awed by this statement. Jesus paid the price for us to be here today, to be part of a catholic family, we are prince and princesses wearing a Crown paid for by Jesus.

If a child, school, society is made known about how valuable each of their lives is, the people who have fought and died for their future, how their ancestors have fought for a better tomorrow for generations to come, the trauma these heros and heroines went through in the process, who will claim that he is not proud of his roots. who will not become confident secured individuals, and live a dignified life.

Oprah Winfrey used to lock herself in the toilet before the show, reciting the names of her ancestors, she claims that she will always come out of the toilet feeling more confident, as if there were many supporters behind her. Knowing her ancestors make her feel confident, secure, a sense of peace. That is because she could relate to her ancestors, she know the hardship, the bravery, the determination and faith they had for generations, for her to be where she is today, which give bountiful confidence!

It made me think of my prayer to Jesus, Mary and saints in times of needs. As i get to know the Lord's teaching and know more and more about who he is, it becomes easier to relate to the Father. Together with history of Salvation, as time passes,my prayer gives me more and more peace, with peace will be love, faith, confidence, all come in the package. ( taken from JYC booklet on shopping at a supermarket).

My discovery of Oprah's life gave me new promptings- Will knowing the history of martyrs, saints increase our faith? that is a definite yes. today's reading on

St. Matthias faithfully followed Jesus throughout His public ministry (Acts 1:21-22), answered God's call, and the anointing of the Holy Spirit fell upon him.

made me think of my patron saint-Stephen, the first Martyr, the angel faced, who before his death cried to the Father for forgiveness of man for what they did to him. Late John Paul, how he refused to step down even though he was struggling with death, how he told a cardinal that if Jesus did not get off the cross, why should I. and all the other saints- the price they paid, their sacrifice made for us to be here, to be apostles of today

I am so Awed!!! I wish to paint a picture, a glorious imagination into the lives, feelings of Stephen, Paul, Simon, James, John, Andrew, Philip, Matthew, Thomas, james, Thaddaeus, Bartholomew and so so many more, i want to know more about all our glorious ancestors who have paved the way for the catholic church. Indeed the church, we have came a long way. History is living lessons which gives our roots, which define who we are now and in future! We are the apostles of today, the responsibility is now in our hands, which reminds me of the promise, the prayer the Serangoon district had at JYC, our pact to not forget our time at JYC, our promise to pass the small spark and not let the flame die out, to be part of the covenant which will spread the faith through Asia!

We ought to know more about apostles. I am so so looking forward to the lesson on ACTS tmr!

Steven

thank you steven!

2007-05-14T11:20:00.000+08:00

i wanted to pull a suzy sticks and put all this on the tagboard but too long lar! haha. welcome back by the way, suzy q! you have so many names!

anyway, steven, thank you for that beautiful sharing. yes, it was nothing short of beautiful. and when i read it, i immediately thought of one thing. god's promise of how when one seeks him with all his heart, seeks truth with all his heart, one is sure to find him. and god keeps his promises. i couldn't recall the verse from the bible but thanks to google, i found these 3 which i think really relate to your experience. steven, you were strong and courageous. you didn't give in and you didn't give up! you have searched for so long and you have found and now you seek him in everything and the more you are doing that, the more he is restoring peace within you! isn't that beautiful? yesterday's gospel talked about the peace which jesus gives us that surpasses all understanding and your experience is a testimony of his promises made manifest in you as said in the following verses! so thank you for your "yes" to god and thank you for sharing.

Jeremiah 29:13, “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” (NIV)

Philippians 4:6-7, “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” (NLT)

Joshua 1:9, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” (NIV)

and thanks for sharing about your isolation, the role of suffering in this process and how you learnt to be at peace with it. you know, as the days pass, i'm getting more and more scared of going to new zealand alone. i'm scared i'll get lonely and depressed! i'm scared i'll miss home too much! i'm worried about reno (my dog) and my grandma. i know i'm gonna miss a big part of our msc formation programme. i don't know what i'm going to do about my internship. sometimes, i don't know whether i made the right decision. i know i was so sure before. but like you steven, i wonder how i'll feel when i board the plane and finally leave singapore with just me, myself and i. i think i've never really shared with the community my experience when i travelled last year, about how the moment i took off from changi airport, squashed between 2 strangers in the air last year, i felt god telling me that even up there in the sky, away from everyone i loved, he was with me. and how for the whole 3 and a half to 4 months after that, i always knew he was there.

brothers and sisters, let us not grow soft in faith and perseverance! as for me, i really want to take my faith to a deeper level but i lack commitment and discipline. i thought about the notion of living a transformed life. if i really was transformed, it should seep into every area of my life! and i know the reason is because i am not making a whole-hearted effort. please pray for me and i give you permission to keep me accountable! i only have one and a half months left in singapore and i actually wanted to journey with a spiritual director but, how like that? any advice?

told you this would be too long to put on the tagboard. all else said and done, san sern pra jaao indeed!

love,
shireen

2007-05-13T17:42:00.000+08:00

Hi peeps!!

It has been a long time since i last blogged.
I praised God for Jesus Youth Conference, whole 4 days surrendered completely in his hands, nth to worry about, nth to attend to, its really during this period of time, that i understand the amount of harvest I receive if I place everything in our Lord's hands.

The following sharing you gonna receive is my reflection during these 2 weeks abroad.

Since young, i had an issue with religion cos i had this perception that if there was really a god, why will there be suffering in this world?

I took a step into faith last yr after my accident, reason being that i was convinced that there was something missing in my life.

So what was that something missing? that something missing was what many people out there have been trying to find, the basic question we always tend to ask ourselves- who am I?

During the Jesus Youth Conference, there was a session on Inner Healing. My first reaction to Inner healing was," how do I go about doing it if I don't know how?

I never felt that I had anything within to be healed till that day.

I praise Lord for the open heart, the brave characters of individuals who opened up to us "strangers" with their sharing. All of them look so normal, smart, full of courage and achievements, but yet there were still periods of rough times in their lives. Their deep sharing into a perceived normal life really helped me in looking into my so called 'perfect' life, it helped me to look beyond the surface into what really happened which make me want to surrender my life into god's hands today.

I was brought up in family which seems perfect, steady income, parents do not quarrel, brother was a good role model to me, I was able to breeze through my exams. However peaceful as it seems, i was feeling lonely within. My bro was never home, he was always busy with girlfriends and training. I could never relate to my father, cos he always disagree with what I do- no soccer, no basketball, even running was bad! In his eyes a perfect son will be one who stays home to study. He will only be there to share my glory, and will only reprimand me for my sorrows. As I know that i will never get his approval, I never tell him what I do in school, he doesn't know a single thing bout the things i go through.

My mom is the only person I am close to, she was a party animal before she knew my dad, so she never fail to secretly(behind my dad)ask me to socialize more, attend more parties, she will never fail to ask why I am studying so hard during weekends cool mom, I agree. But somehow, no matter how close a guy is to a mom, there are some things you just don't know how to ask her for advice. I always felt i lack a male figure to relate to in the family.

My family was never there during any of my race, never there during any of my performance, I guess seeing your friends' parents there to support their child, being young, I felt bitter and lack of love inside.

As i grew up, the emptiness became more and more. I was sad, people always say that on surface I look very happy, but was actually very broken inside. I never see it as a issue as I used to determine my happiness in life with the amount of achievements i have as compared with my friends.

Thus, pride became a food to the emptiness. I was feeding my pride all this while. Pride being the greatest sin, built a barrier between me and God. As i achieve more and more, I became more and more confident that i can solve everything with my hands.

No doubt, I was master of trades, but was never able to relate well to friends. Being brought up solely by my mom, I make a perfect girl seriously ( as what my friends used to tell me). I knew how to cook, how to nurse wounds, and spend more time taking care of my hair, face, body than gals. Contrary to guys, I was bad in directions, Had cylo motor problems.

Since young, I never accepted myself for who I am as my friends will always "suan" me about it.

I had this group of close friends during JC, the 4 of us were super closely knitted, you know they always say that a person is usually define by the people he mix with, this group of friends, to think of it, I wonder why i was close to them as they will use every opportunity to "suan" me about my quirks till I had to become a completely different person when I am with them. This suaning process created an emotional turmoil within. And the issue of trying to get accepted since young was haunting me again.

Then one day, I decided to put a stop to the friendship, to put a stop in the lonliness within, to find out who i really am, a burning question since young. Which is the primary reason why I wanted to go on a backpacking trip alone, to be distant from the world, to know what I really want in life.

During the healing session at the conference, I came to terms with my brokenness within. More importantly, to accept the healing of God and know what is really important to me!

It was really pride which mystified my perception. Pride which make me want to achieve what the world wants from me. Pride which cause me to feel empty within end of it all. Pride which made me distant from God.

The conference was a start of healing, gave me the zest, the willingness to put god in perspective in everything I do, to do the Lord’s work. My lens of the world was finally cleaned. My real test of the teachings, testimonies and the yearning to lead a changed life during the conference came when jean and ray left for Singapore, and I was left alone in a troubled nation. After being cheated by a cabbie after they left, I became frustrated, felt like crying at times, asking myself why I did not take a plane back with them.. It really became a test of faith. Not knowing why, I started reading the bible. I was thinking if I will to be kidnapped, sold to be a slave, then die at this instant, I wanted to feel peaceful within. So I took it out , read it slowly without any time constraint at Benti Srei, this place in Ang Kor Wat. I spent hours and hours in a temple reading the bible. Then I started reading after my first breath in the morning and b4 I sleep. Then it became a conscious effort to relate everything to Lord’s teaching. During the trip when I chance on something which tug my heartstring, especially the killing fields, and the school where the torture took place, I will read the bible, hoping to seek an answer to why men are so cruel, why it happened, where God in this. The burning question I always wanted an answer to in this world of sufferings! And really really was through God’s grace, with the help of Jude, I found the answer! I felt a peace to come to terms with men’s suffering and God. I can’t explain it! You can agree with theory to this much, but to fully accept it, its really experiencing the sufferings first hand and come to terms with theory of God’s plan.
It made me realize how little strength I have, how vulnerable man is, how we all need God in our lives!

After one encounter which answered a burning question within, it became a growing habit to relate everything to God with everything I encountered during the trip.and soon, i began relating him to every simple decision I made. I got the Bible Obsession Infection!

Reading through my journals during the start of my journey to Thailand and ending at Cambodia,
I was awed by how my perception, how my ideas were defined in 2 weeks

Finally I found the answer I was looking for all these while
All the emptiness within
I found an answer

Trying to find who I really am all these years,
I was actually trying to fill the hollowness in my heart
I was actually trying to find God all these years

And he showed me a glimpse of who he was during my plunge into the unknown.

I never felt this joy before.
Unexplainable
I am not afraid of my size, my face, or afraid to smile anymore
And I no longer have toseek who I really am!
Cos it does not matter anymore
I am so excited to just know more about hiM!!
I just really want to be just a child of God

Steven

praise you in this storm

2007-05-09T23:51:00.000+08:00

i know i know. which song am i gonna quote next right?

i read colin's post for the second or third time and as i read it today, something (not so) new struck me. my attitude in contrast with colin's and many other men and women of faith. this hit me as i was reflecting on the mathematics of god, on the phrase "you give and take away" which kickstarted my previous post. this was further augmented by the scenes which greeted me as i finally watched singapore gaga (a local movie) on dvd yesterday.

there was a scene in this movie about a wheelchair-bound tissue-seller outside simei mrt station. i'm not sure whether she's still there now. this lady looks a bit odd and belts out her own songs the whole day, inviting passerbys to buy her tissue paper. and when she's tired or bored of her songs or just wants to pass time, she sings hymms in her own language about and to jesus, about how she's happy because jesus is with her. and when she's interviewed, one can't help but admire how lovable and cheerful she is. but what struck me even more is how she could still put her faith in god, knowing that he would surely provide. she said so herself. she said that somehow, god just provides and she's happy. later on in the interview, she talks about her jesus and how he loves her and asks the interviewer, who also happens to be the director, whether she'd like to listen to one of her christian hymms and whether she's christian. the director says she is not christian and has no religion and requests for the $1-song, to which the lady replies by inviting her to try believing in jesus and then sings the $1-song. what a lady. what trust. what joy. what faith!

then, there's our brother, colin, who always seems to be bursting to share, even when he's in the pits of his life. and now, he narrates to us his own experience of salvation and we are once again in awe of god's providence and one's trust in that.

and i was also re-reading my post. and then i saw something i typed.

how could i even lift my hands to the sky to praise god knowing he had given and taken away, so many times? but that was what he gave me, the grace to say, "god, your plans are better than mine, and so i praise you."

and then, i was at the last cell blog, listening to praise you in this storm. and i heard these lines,

as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

and i remembered what i told jeanette that night when we were united at assumption university at 3am in the morning. i didn't know what i was doing there, after all the things that happened before that, but i recalled that these lines kept playing in my head, even whilst i was walking down orchard road to school with tears seeping out from my eyes every now and then: "and though my heart is torn, i will praise you in the storm," and "when the darkness closes in lord, still i will say, blessed be your name," and "you give and take away, still my heart will choose to say, blessed be your name."

this experience is not unique to bangkok. i've experienced this more and more the past few times i've travelled, with the past seeming incomplete, with the future so uncertain, with things getting stolen and returned, with strangers guiding me, with experiences that changed my heart; what i'm saying is that (not so) strangely, i've always felt myself protected under the wing of god even more so, when i'm separated from the people i love and whom i know love me. that's one very powerful aspect of travelling for me. but this time in bangkok, in retrospect, i realised that god had indeed bestowed the grace upon me to recognise his constant, loving presence in my life during those few days when i really just had to sit back and relax.

and perhaps, all these "messages" are an invitation for me, for us, to trust more in the consistency and abundance of god, to acknowledge that he alone is our provider and he alone can take it all away any time, to put our trust not in man, but in god, and to build our foundation in him where our hearts should come to rest (home is where the heart is, right?).

love,
shireen

God is really has plenty of $$$$!!!! He is God of Providence ...

2007-05-08T12:00:00.000+08:00

Dearest Brothers and Sisters in Christ,

i really don't know what else to say ... I am superly awed by the blessings that God has poured upon me over the past few weeks and that the moment we place our trust in Him, He will really take care of our needs!!!

Before i continue to share our great Divine Providence, I would like to share something that i taken me a back and look further on God's Plan of Salvation in my life once again.

I only realised it when I met up with someone for lunch in Science. And I was sharing with her quite a lot of stuff and then she says it's good that you can count your blessings ... and likewise she's also been counting her blessings ... It was then dawn upon me that actually i have been counting my blessing not even realising it.

I remembered about two to three years ago, Celine Lee kept asking me to count my blessings and I was like ... huh? WHat blessings do i have ... only pains and suffering - parents divorced, father left me, kidney failure ... But as i look back from the time i was being operated till today, i began to see that God has been forming and healing me more and more .. and to see how precious a son I am to Him. I also remembered when Celine wrote me an email, about 3 years back, (when she was in ICPE - New Zealand) ... she shared about the goodness of our Heavenly Father .. i was like ... huh? ... Who the hell is this Father .. i could not even relate to Him ... i don't know who is He? But today, I am glad and I really want to praise God that I am able to relate to Him much much more .. and indeed He is a the Perfect and Loving Father. I have never used that word in my life before and i really thank God i am able to relate to Him much much more .. That God our Father is a Perfect Father for He knows what is really best for us ... He knows our needs so much more than we know ourself ... as such He can be trusted much more than our earthly father.

I really thank God for paving me the path of healing me more and more each day of my life despite the struggles and difficulties ... But i have to me the path to healing is not easy as i had to face many truths in my life and to embrace it more and more. I realised that I am able to count the many blessings in my life much much more. Praise be to God!!! My dearest daddy, thank you for healing my image of you ... as you are a Perfect and Loving Father... Thank you daddy ... you are such a wonderful daddy ... I love you so greatly ...

The God of Providence ... here's my story of our Divine Providence ...

Well, Brothers and Sisters in Christ, as you have heard my super long thesis of submission of a blank piece of paper to God ... I really thank God for even given me the grace to have that faith to submit that blank piece of paper and then eventually a cheque (my 1st Instalment for my bachelor's course). That very afternoon, i received an email from my Godfather that he would like to pay for my entire course ... and what's more he was like even asking me to go and pick up driving and then he would like to get me a car!!!! That's really incredible lah ... it's really way beyond my imagination and dream la ...

But guess what .. i decided not to accept them not because of pride but because i wanted to discipline myself so that i would more motivated to study whilst paying for myself otherwise i will take for granted. And then, as for the car thing, I don't even have the time to learn driving ... and i guess i am not ready .. so perhaps, i will learn it later after i graduate which i told Constance when she passed her driving .. and that's not a need anyway... so i guess i will leave it .. i guess my priority now is to work and to complete my studies in the next 3.5 years.

Oh ya, with regards to the MDIS course... well, immediately after i paid for my course ... i went to buy some books ... and all these books i am buying are free ... thanks be to God ... thanks to IMRE - now able to claim for them (part of my flexi-benefits).... oh ya, btw, remembered what i shared about the medical claim ... well, i am able to claim them back as well (at least for my monthly consultation and blood test ... the rest is still pending for approval) (oh ya ... don't forget most companies don't allow claim backs for chronic illnesses.. but i can claim them back ... praise be to God!!!

Last but not least, I have been wanting to get the Community to help out since the last four weeks but a lot of people has not been turning up so it was really quite difficult to get the donations ... so in the end, i gave it up and wrote back to the person in charge that it was quite difficult as we going through some changes and i ended off by telling her that the Lord will provide so not to worry. Then this morning, she replied me and told me not to worry and that God willprovide... Guess what ... true enough God provided ... My Godfather is going to transfer S$1,500 to my account so that i could send it to her!!! God is really generous is giving money to the needy ... hence, Lighthouse Community is going to receive money for Jolthird for his studies ... Praise be to God ... and Of course, for those who are still able to donate .. please do let me know .. I will make the transfer next week...

Brothers and Sisters, if it's really God's Will for you to pursue something in your life .. through effort in prayer and discernment .. trust that God has already given you that desire. If you have difficulty financially, trust that He will definitely provide you much more than what you can ever imagine.

Praise and Thanks be to God!!!

With Love,
Your brother in Christ,
Colin Sng

you give and take away

2007-05-07T18:52:00.000+08:00

lets face it. life is full of uncertainties. i look back over the last few weeks and i just want to laugh. at the folly of my mistakes, at the paradox of life, at the whole irony of the situations i've been in. i think about the words, "you give and take away," and i can't help but think that it totally rings true. but then, ungratefulness turns into awe as i begin to realise that you take away and give as well. and that ultimately, you are always giving.

i was sharing with jeevan (my youngest brother) about the incredibly stupid and costly mistake i made last night. one month ago, i booked 2 tickets to the phantom of the opera for last night's (sunday) show. the 6th of may finally arrived and i was so excited. i have watched phantom before but i knew mervin wanted to watch it and i wanted to make it a wonderful experience for him. yesterday, before driving him there, i blindfolded him with a bright blue punjabi suit scarf (it was the alternative to making him wear goggles with black paper covering the lens) and i plugged in these really huge earphones (the kind djs wear) to his mp3 player and drove him to the esplanade. then, he refused to wear all that rubbish outside the car so i made him promise to close his eyes. but the bell started ringing and we had to run so he opened his eyes and found out that we were running into the concert hall to watch phantom. as the usher was about to lead us to our seat, he suddenly turned around and said, "this is for the matinee show. it was this afternoon."

i know. i can't believe it too. i was holding on to the tickets for one month. i don't know why i didn't check. i really really believed that i had booked the correct date but i guess in my haste i must've have booked wrongly. well, they still put us in a soundproof room with a glass window so we could watch the show with music streamed into one speaker. it felt like we were watching a movie. i felt really really stupid.

so as i was saying, i was sharing this story with jeevan. and i told him about the internship story as well. imagine getting a job the day before and then going in on your first day, all made-up and in the morning peak-hour crowd on the train and then, getting a call to go home cos they had to "review my case". it was most dramatic and part of me wanted to laugh and another part of me was in turmoil. the problem was that on the day that i had gotten the internship (after a gruelling second interview with a french chef who was everything i expected him to be), i had gone to school after that to settle exchange stuff and found that i had to be in new zealand way earlier than i thought. i immediately called up the HR girl and told her the situation. and she told me to come in on friday anyway even though initially it wasn't in the plan. so at the very last minute, i had to get someone to replace me for pnw at ijtp (thanks merrill! if you ever read this). somehow everything was screaming "no!" about this internship but i couldn't trust in abundance any longer. by hook or by crook i needed an internship. and then, that thing happened on friday. and by friday night, i was flying off to bangkok, having NO clue what the jesus youth conference was gonna be like and why i had even signed up and what abt my internship??

but god had/has better plans for me. who would've thought assumption university would be so beautiful and clean and just perfect? and how is it that when i was there i was able to really "be here now"? and how come i was able to share so deeply and be loved by people who were just strangers moments before? how could i even lift my hands to the sky to praise god knowing he had given and taken away, so many times? but that was what he gave me, the grace to say, "god, your plans are better than mine, and so i praise you."

of course when i got back, i was on fire for two days or slightly more. and then, my weaknesses and struggles came back to pull me down. is it pms? i don't know haha. how this shireen stray ar! talking about talking to jeevan then suddenly stray to conference etc. so i was sharing with jeevan and he asked me whether i cried. and yes, i cried last night and yes, i cried before i left for bangkok. and he told me that i couldn't keep crying every time these things happened. i tried to justify myself. but you know what jeevan? you're right. why do i let these things trouble me so much? why do i take myself so seriously? why do i not trust in god, who is a god of abundance, who is the god in my times of uncertainties, who has constantly loved me and sheltered me under his wing my whole life (there are so many experiences which testify to this!)? these tears only wring me dry and tire me out and leave me feeling drained and tired when i wake up the next day.

and then i read the reflections for tomorrow's readings by terry a. modica. i asume terry is a female. she talks about the gift of peace that jesus gives us and how it reigns in times of trouble and uncertainty. it hit close to home and terry has an ability to make scripture easy to digest and relevant so, if you've managed to reach this part of my looooooooooooong post (i think i haven't beat colin yet), then read on!

"The legacy that Jesus left behind -- his gift to us, which he explained in today's Gospel passage -- is peace. True and lasting peace. A peace that calms troubled hearts. A peace that drives away our fears. A peace that is heaven on earth.

If we accept this gift of peace, we have to trust God no matter what's going on around us. We cannot trust our own interpretation of what's best for us and how our problems should be solved. We have to trust in God's wisdom and never-ending love. But we turn away from the gift if we take our eyes off of Jesus. Remaining in constant communication with him will keep us securely in his peaceful embrace.

Failure to trust God results in fear and troubled hearts, because fear always lies to us. Remember it this way: F.E.A.R. = False Evidence Appearing Real. To regain the peace that Jesus has given you, first identify the lies that your fears have been saying. Then ask the Holy Spirit to reveal to you what the truth is. Listen carefully. If you need help discerning his voice, talk to a spiritual director or a prayerful Christian friend. Once it becomes audible, trust in that truth. And act upon it.

What gift do you want most from Jesus today? If you have his peace, everything else you want will either follow automatically, in God's perfect timing, or they will no longer be necessary."

seek ye first the kingdom of god, right? may the peace of god reign in all our hearts and amongst us. god bless! praise god always!

love,
shireen

I was wondering . . .. . . .

2007-05-03T09:23:00.000+08:00

It has been a long long time i have not blogged ever since the exams have started and when everything i am doing seems to be taking up my time and it is the best excuse that I would give myself. What i do is more important than anything else that comes along. Actually wanted to blog after my papers on Sat but i didnt know what to write and what to reflect on..... Logged in but nothing flow thro my mind. I guess the sense of lost suddenly sets in. the things around me seems to stand still for the time being and it seems like winter where things are slow and gloomy. What then is sunny? what then is fast? being very deverstated by my sat paper which is my physics and also the rest of e modules that I have done throughout the past week. I was really lost of words to describe my feeling and i dont know where to pick myself up. I could still remember when pple asked me where am i going after the physics paper has been collected, i told them i am looking for a building that is tall enough for me to jump... am i joking?? i guess i am . the instant reaction is that i have done very badly and i am sure to fail and has to repeat the modules. Will i fail? i dont know... then the question of what am i basing my life on, on my results? on my success? where is God in all these?? am i a person of faith n trust? at that point i guess i was just overwhelmed by my 'own' problems. i guess feeling so helpless, te only person i can turn to is our Lord. then i decided to attend novena. that short period of time there with Christ n our blessed lady had been one that is comforting. It is so great to be there to thank the Lord for all his blessings he has bestowed on me throughout my study time and protecting all my friends we are also studying n my love ones at him. At that instant, i was taken away from my sorrow and given the grace to be grateful for all that He has done for me n will still continue to lead me through life. (there is still doubt-i guess i just have to trust) Evening came, i went for mass at CTK with Kendrick and i got home something very powerful was that our PRIMARY Vocation is to LOVE and to have LIVE in all that we do. Am i having love n life?? I do not have an answer to this question yet.

Usually, once i finished my exams, the following monday, i will go and work but this time round, i decided to take a break for a week and to settle down n hopefully to find myself admist all my "plans" and "agenda". Sometimes being alone, and taking time off to reflect about things help one to be aware of oneself. It is a on going process of growing. So far, this break, i have not gotten any big revelation but rather little from here and there. I went to visit Fr fossion on Monday and then to holy spirit for mass. For those of u who do not know who Fr Fossion is, he is now the oldest priest in Sinagpore and our parish (SFX) ex assistant parish priest. He is 94 this year and will be celebraing his 70th year as a priest this coming 2nd August and he is currently residing at the formerly known "Little Sister of the Poor" at Thomson. There will be a celebration and it will be held at Holy Spirit Church. Visiting him has been one of great encounter and his life reflects who God is to him. As usual, he still utters "stupid" when u see him, hahahah.. it is so funny and it brings back alot of memories when he is back at SFX.. "NEVERMIND" and "KYBMS" still stuck on his wall. it struck me so hard that he is still so prayerful and his mind is still centered on the mission of the church and providing for the pple that are less fortunate. One thing he said to me n valerie " WHAT for we cling on to money, use the money to help the people to build churches, orphangages & schools" A man that is so old yet still on fire for God.. Am i able to do it....

After that at mass, once again it is so resounding in my heart, Fr Andrew shared this story that there is this Little Indians family. One day, the grandson asked his grandpa, what will you do when someone do something bad to you? (actually i could not remember the front part of the story, it was the later part the struck me)The grandpa answered him " in our hearts, we have 2 dogs, one is filled with anger, frustration and revenge. while the other one is filled with love, peace n joy." the grandson then asked " Who will Win?" Grandpa answered " The dog that you feed will win" I was like wooooowwwwwwwww....... it is so profound..(maybe all of you canthink about it)

May 1st came, met up with a few pple and in the conversation it calls for me to ask myself what is my relationship with God. Does it mean that i serve in ministry and atend masses frequently means that i have a r/s with God? I realised that at this point it is such that i might not be convinced by what i am doing but rather i am doing all this out of routine, just like how a married husband will go home for dinner to join his family but not convinced by what he is doing (analogy was shared by sam)... thus, this call for faithfullness in our r/s with God or in that case, in a marreid life or in any vocation in our lives, where we will grow tired in our daily routine... I seriously have to pray and think about it....

I have alot more thoughts in my mind but i guess i will stop here and i will share again.....

Ken

God has a Lot of Money ...

2007-05-01T14:24:00.000+08:00

Dearest Brothers and Sisters in Christ,

I would like to share with you something that happened to me just a few minutes ago ... I was quite bored so i went to look into youtube.com to kaypo some stuff. And i just became curious to see what others would say about Mother Teresa and then i came across this article ... Mother Teresa - Divine Providence by EWTN.

As i was listening to the Friar, he kept emphasizing what Mother Teresa says ... "God has a lot of Money ... Do not Worry ...". And then towards the end, he shared about someone, Saint Joseph Benedict Cottolengo and a particular building, A House of Divine Providence. This house was known as divine providence becaus the house was completely founded purely on Divine Providence. So, as usual, I would like to find out more about this Saint, so i went to google search to find out more about this person.

Little did i known that the feast day for this Saint falls on 29th April 2007!!! It was the very date that i actually signed up for my course!!! And it was ironic that as i was signing it, the date keep coming to me without knowing why until today. It was like God telling me .. not to worry ... I have plenty of money, trust in Me!!! Once again, i felt the Lord was telling me I have approved you .. go ahead and not to worry ... I will take care of You ... Wait and See ...

In fact, i was sharing with Janice Toh so much about God's Providence in my life especially when i went for my operation... I am sure He is going to show me much more miracle .. more is to come!!! Just wait and see ...

This was really amazing ... i really must praise God for this!!!

With Love,
Your brother in Christ,
Colin Sng

What are you going to do this week to walk more closely to Jesus?

2007-04-30T20:31:00.000+08:00

today as i read my mail, i read the daily email from good news ministry reflection. i was so shock as the very first sentence to the last seems to speak to me so directly.

every mon, i will still feel dreadful about going to school to face my class, cos i cannot control their noise level. tho it seems like a small thing and that every other teacher prob experience the same thing as well, however, it still bothers me alot. and almost every sunday night i would not be able to sleep well cos i would be too stressed thinking about it and worrying about. i've tried many ways of overcoming it. praying to surrender, preparing well, trying to face it squarely, trying to embrace it, trying to forget about it by occupying myself with other activities, trying to trust in God that He will put the right words in my mouth... yet i never seem to be able to overcome this dreadful feeling and sense of inadequacy. it's so tiring that it drains me physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually.

cos i'm so drained and tired, i end up looking for immediate comfort as much as i can, in r/s, in frens, in watching tv, in spending money, in eating.

after i read the email, then i realize that i'm looking for the solution in the wrong place. i was trying to overcome the prob all this while. but no, it is not to be so. wat i shd be looking for, is to find peace and joy in the face of the struggle. and peace and joy, can only be found in God. i have been trying to find the solution, sometimes from God, sometimes from myself. but i shd be looking for God, full stop. i shd jus be looking for God and God only, not looking for God while looking for a solution.

i came to realize that the reason why i struggle so much is not becos i haven't found the solution. it is becos i dun have the peace and joy of Christ to face the struggle. and precisely becos i have experienced wat it means to be in peace and joy in the face of struggles that, now that i can't experience the peace and joy, it is frustrating me, not the struggles.

in the email, they ask: "what are you going to do this week to walk more closely to Jesus?" "what is the obstacle that is preventing me from getting through the struggle with peace and joy?"

another observation i made is also everytime i do something to Jesus (no matter positive or negative), the exact same thing will happen to me in my r/s. if i make more effort to give of myself to Jesus, i will receive more in my r/s. if i am self-centred and neglect Jesus, i will get the lack of attention and feel hurt in my r/s. how ironic, but it is almost always hundred percent accurate.

Dear Jesus, pls tell me how to walk closer with You, Lord. You know how weak i am, Lord. Grant me Lord, pls the strength to even make a conscious effort and decision to choose to seek You and You only Lord. Grant me Lord the peace and joy Lord in facing this struggle Lord. Amen.

Lynn

Time to submit a paper!!!

2007-04-30T08:55:00.000+08:00

Dearest Brothers and Sisters in Christ,

It time for me to share this ... I have promised to do so a couple of weeks ago but i hestitated because i was really wondering whether what i am sharing here is really God's Will ... Here I am going to share something that is going to be personal ... It took a Spirit of Courage to share with you about what has revealed to me during my 2 hours of prayer time whether it's really God's will for me to further my studies. To discover God's Will is to really know and discover your desires ... and here's what i have come to discover over that 2 hours... I can't gurantee that this is God's Will but I really need the prayers of the COmmunity to help me to persevere through my 3 - 3.5 years of studies.

But before i continue, I would like to share something about what i learnt in the Men's Group through Edwyn. That prayer from your heart can really touched God's Heart and change your life. Yesterday, during session, I was sharing some of my difficulties of relating to God though my life has been pretty smooth especially in the area of my work ... really have nothing to complain since i have been receiving so much praises from my colleagues (which i really don't know why). But struggle comes because there has been a lot of negative voices from within and i know deep inside me that these are not from God. What happened was that during the closing prayer last night, i felt that i praying from the heart ... asking God to help us to to start looking at our blessings in our lives again and to hear His Voice more and more and true enough, last evening, so many things actually happened ... I began to see my blessings in my life and that God began to reveal to be how blessed I am and to really show me that I am His Beloved Son of the Father... Praise be to God!!! Will share details some other time ... but i have to admit that whatever happened last night was affirmation for me that has given me the green light to go ahead with my studies .. I don't have to worry and i just have to surrender my lousy plans to Him and He will do the rest so long as i do my best.

So here it's ... how I actually discern whether this is really God's Call ... for me, i strongly believe that i have to search my deepest desire and to look into my personal salvation history and God's Purpose in my life .. his purpose of creating me. - be prepared gonna be a long one man ... it's taken from my prayer journal with the Lord.

1. Born with this condition

After going through this major operation, my desire to do this pharmaceutical management course grew deeper and deeper. Taking medication makes a lot of sense to me and by doing so, it changed my perspective of life. This has truly make a disciple of God because it has made more disciplined, has increased my ability to manage my time better.

I always have this deep belief tat I was born with this condition for a purpose and the Lord allowed me to continue my life with long term medication. He could have healed me completely without any medication .. why is it that he allowed it ... i believe this is allowed me to see the value of drugs. That medicinal drugs, created by him through plants etc etc are meant to heal as well and not necessarily thru physical healing that is possible as well. Taking cyclosporine, for instance, is a kind drug that is found in some microorganism... these microorganism is also created by the Lord himself to heal people.

My desire increases has i began to be more interested in the way how drugs are discovered and can really improve the lives of others esp the medicinal chemistry behind the drugs that i take and how it can affect the lives of others.

2. First Encounter

My MSN address ... chem_freak was not there for no reason... and Evelyn would not compose my 21st Birthday Song, with the phrase "Chemistry Freak" for no purpose. But honestly, my chemistry is not that fantastic but i really enjoyed studying this subject.

In any case, my very first encounter with Chemistry was when I was in Secondary Three. I was so inspired by how Mrs Selena Tan, my chemistry teacher taught me back then. My eyes would literally open big big one ... and together with some of my classmates, we would all sit right in front during her lessons.

For those who don't know about me, well, i was from the Normal Academic Class back then. There was one particular test which really shocked me la. I did so well for that test that i topped the whole cohort la (including among express students). My love for chemistry brought me further to pursue a diploma in chemical process technology. Oh ya, moreover, I took part in a chemistry competition in Secondary 3 and i came in second after Ken Mendoza (some of you might know who is he). He's actually from our parish and currently finish his bachelor's in Chemical Engineering in Imperial College. He will be coming back to Singapore for good (most probably la).. in fact, he join us for a period of time (Youthworks then)... Oh ya, the interesting things was that the person who join me in my chemistry competition team was Daryl Spykerman. Daryl Spykerman is now working with Edwyn in CAYC .. such a small world.

Anyway, as i was saying, whilst pursuing this diploma course, i was further inspired by two of my lecturers who taught me Pharmaceutical Chemistry. Wow ... can you believe it after 4 years of graduation, i still can draw the Penicillin molecular structure... I am crazy over this structure la. My love for the Pharmaceutical chemistry grew during tat period.

3. Consolation speaking to Colin Ong

Well, somewhere in February, I knew at that point in time that i had to decide whether i should apply for NUS Chemistry or Pharmaceutical Management - MDIS. Of course, if i have this opportunity i would rather further my studies - full time. Back then, I felt it was so timely since i already had done my operation hence, I wanted to further my studies.

When I had a conversation with Colin Ong and my mother that very day, when I was deciding to do NUS Chemistry or Pharmaceutical Management, my heart seemed to tell me to go ahead with Pharmaceutical Management even though, in my head, i know that NUS Chemistry is more recognized than the private course. That was the first time when i actually experienced what it means when people say ... follow your heart. Well, for those who know me well, i can't sit still for nuts. I must move around one ... to meet people and i am not that kind of person who really likes research. I have been working with NUS for 1.5 years and during which, i was given some opportunity to do polymer synthesis ... and i don't really enjoy it .. though the theory behind really excites me. It's really quite annoying when you spend so much time .. up to about 7 days and you only get a few milligram of products...waste my time man ... i don't have tat patience. As such, NUS chemistry, which usually trains people to be researchers .. working in the lab ..which is not really my cup of tea. Though, in NUS Chemistry, I could actually major in Drug Chemistry but yet i have no inclination to drugs itself.

As for Pharmaceutical Management, it balances both management techniques and laboratory work ... and of course, a lot of drilling into drugs-related modules (which will make me go crazy during the lessons...). As for me, I really hope that after my graduation, if God will, I hope to see myself to work in hospitals or A-STAR .. going into IP Management, Clinical Trials .. etc etc. (more office based rather than in the labs).

In conclusion for this section, the fact that I was able to make clear decision of what is my real desire clearly shows God is kinda of approving me to further my studies. In another words, for me, it was like clearing one obstacle to another step by step.

4. Prayer time (Adoration Time)

I realli hope this is from God Himself. During that time when i was really sitting praying about this ... oh ya, my sole purpose of praying at that time was purely on discerning this ... As i was closing my eyes, what i saw was an image of 3 cyclosporine tablets that went through my throat. It kinda of spoke to me but i don't really know what it means. But i was filled with joy as i saw this ... it could be .. go ahead ... do not worry. To me, it was like an affirmation from the Lord.

5. Season for everything

About 3 - 4 years ago, i applied for this course and was already accepted into it but because of my condition, i had to wait a little while. At that point in time, the season was not right ... there is a season for everything.

Beginning of this year, I felt quite strongly that the time has come and it is much more appropriate to go for it since i had already down my operation. And my situation is so much better than before.

Initially, there were plans for me to pursue it in April 2007 but i realise that it was not timely as yet as I just started with a new job and i still have my confirmation class to finish up with. And it was so ironic that, when I got my offer letter, i was exempted from one of my bridging modules as such, I don't have to start my course early which is supposed to be in early september. But instead mid-september, which the confirmatio camp is over!!! And confirmation day itself is on 23rd September and as long as i finish up all the administrative stuff early, i guess nothing much to be done other than ensuring that parents-&-god parents got our instructions well-communicated.

Through this, I was able to see that everything was already well-planned by the Lord. First, I needed time to settle in with my new job which, interestingly, i was able to settle in pretty fast. Second, that course starts just right smark after my confirmation class is over... and i can say bye bye to my beloved students. Oh ya, the fact that i able to persevere through my desire (3- 4 years)shows that it's really my deep desire ...

6. New Job

Well, having God provided me with this job, which i initially even struggled to leave NUS Chemistry because of some of my initial worries, I can sense that this is truly God's Providence for me.

With this new job, I am much more satisfied and happier than before and truly God always has a better plan. There has been many affirmation from my new colleagues that this would be the best place to study and work ... the stress level is not that high here and God has provided me with a desk location for me to study and pray peacefully.

Moreover, I given very good flexi benefit here .. $600 for me to pay for my book per financial year. And moreover, i am given up to 12 study leave per year ... Cool right? So i don't have to use my annual leave to study for my exams. There is another benefit which I have yet to get the result, that my monthly medical which cost up to about $100 plus and $300 plus (medication via CPF) might be able to claim back ... i am still waiting for approval from the Insurance company which was the arrangement with my current company.

So what were some of my obstacles that i faced initially which I felt that i don't even have to worry because God will take care of them ...

1. Financially Burdened

One morning, during my prayer time, I had a wisdom that came to me and I believe it was from the Holy Spirit. With this thought in my mind, I shared it with my mother yesterday evening about the plans. I felt that there wasn't any much worry for me now ... I will just settle in for the first year and see how it goes and i am not going to apply for any loan which saves me some money from the 3% interest.

Well, last year, was good time where the Lord showed me that He provides especially with my operation... For those who doesn't know, my mother did not have to pay a single cent for her operation as she applied for some scheme. The operation (for my mother and myself), we came up to about $30K and in the end, turn out to be only $5k which we did not have to pay a single cent (cash) but only through CPF. It really teaches me that God really do take care of us ... if we were to surrender our plans to him and not to worry so much la ...

Moreover, the fact that he changed my job so that my salary will increase ... another's another providence for me.

Knowing my character, i know that I am person who need to be disciplined through different situation. For instance, struggling with my medication has always been an issue for me but through the major operation, to me it's really nothing ... it's really small case in my life now... praise be to God ... hence, i felt that the Lord is disciplining me to control and manage my finance well through my desire to further my studies. I believe by going through this finanicial burden God is answering my prayer to learn to spend more wisely than before and manage my finance better.

2. Commitment Issues

The other obstacle which I struggled initially was my many commitments that i am in now. With work, MSC, MSC Core, Men-to-Men, and finally Catechism, i was really wondering how am I going to even cope with my studies, but now, I realised that i do not even have to worry.

As for catechism, as i mentioned earlier ... finishes in September 2007 after my students gets confirmed and i felt it's really time for me to move on after teaching for 9 years.... and i have to really concentrate on the Young Adults of the Parish... especially those who left the church or those who find it difficult to see God in their daily life.

Next, I have already had the opportunity to speak to Edwyn about my struggles of leaving the Men to Men group because I was worried that my faith will be affected since it has helped me greatly in my journey over the past one year plus. But he shared with me that it doesn't matter which group that i am going to be with so long as there is someone in my life that going to journey with.... preferably a priest - a spiritual director ... something that i have to work on soon before i leave men to men for the next 3 years or so.

So that left with me the MSC Core, ... oh well, God is good man ... since i am exempted from 2 modules in my first year, i have more time with MSC still ... as such i only take 2 modules per term hence, i still can contribute much and i don't much lessons for my first year. So God was already answering my prayer even before the course actually starts...

Oh ya ... last but not least, Edwyn did mentioned something which i felt was very important for me... that the support from the people around you especially your family is so important ... with my mother's great support to pursue my studies, I believe i am able to pull through all the way to the end ... so my dearest Community ... must support me with prayer okay?

THE END ... (Finally) ...

With Love,
Your brother in Christ,
Colin Sng

Training

2007-04-27T18:38:00.000+08:00

today is friday, cross country day for my school. haven't been reflecting much cos am jus always tired and not feeling well and busy, wat else can it be.

but i jus want to pen down something to think about God again. how easily i forget about God in my life. so near, yet so far. as i recall my horrible week, came to a realization that all things work for good. been drilled about this fact a million times yet, when the actual event comes in my life, it is not as easy as abc to switch into tha mode and jus trust in God. alot of things in our life need training. jus like how kids need training to get from waiting outside the classroom to inside the classroom quietly, they need to be "trained", several times before they really "get it". it sounds absurd but it's really true that we need training. training to get used to God's ways, training to be familiar with God's ways, training to handle things God's ways and training to see things God's ways.

every time we talk about training, i'll think of the refining silver story. there was this blacksmith who heats the silver in the fire, to purify it. he cannot leave it alone for a second, and he has to stay there the whole time the silver is being purified. only when the silver starts to reflect his image is it then truly purified. and we are the silver, being purified in the torture and heat of life, while God the blacksmith is patiently molding and purifying us. till when? until we reflect His image in our lives. it's indeed a tough and hard process, nevertheless, it is necessary.

Lynn

A New Me

2007-04-22T01:21:00.000+08:00

I need to pen this down in words, in fear that the feeling will go away tmr. I am awed by your sharing, i am awed by everything which happened today.

in cons' words,'testifying and sharing with people this whole experience, that we are building His kingdom'
My heart is open, my thoughts are true, with this I will know more bout you

Tmr marks the last day I will be at NUS. This week had been a great one for me, that studying at NUS has prepared me well for the exams, but the exp of it all is more fruitful than working for the grades itself

I thank lord for all of you who studied with me, being an encouragement to go for mass everyday, sharing over topics close to our hearts despite our horrendous tasks ahead of us

I thank lord for the openness in heart and mind towards one another.
B4 I came to NUS, I didn’t know much bout ppl, I had my own cognitive mindset of individuals based on how they behave and my past beliefs of things. But all these changed. And I am awed that it took one week to see things in another perspective.

Thank you colin for your sharing with me over lunch the other day. It made me understand things better, about your relationships and the hardship you went through all these years, and sharing with me about the exact feelings you went through during the major quarrel with people in the community last year. B4 that conversation, I was an earthly being thinking you will not understand the struggles I have in my life, now I feel you know more than i think, more importantly you care to listen and speak up your opinions. And I thank you for that for you challenged me the way no one had.

For it opened the flood gates for more pondering along the way,

During dinner at NUS subway today, I met my OCS buddy. First thought which came to my mind was ”Oh no”. not that he has done any wrong against me, but was the ‘ME’ I was afraid to face

So I avoided him altogether, had some surface conversation, excused myself and stroll around the campus. It felt weird, the feeling of avoidance, because I didn’t know why I was doing what I was doing.

Just after the study session, by the grace of god, I was asked by kendrick bout my army experience. I didn’t share about the glamour and glory, about winning awards, winning competitions and stuff, I started off with me being last in class for test, belittled by the rest of the cohort, out casted, out shunned during my days as a cadet. These were issues bout myself I never shared with people before. The feeling of getting outcasted, feeling that you are not good enough really leave a lingering effect on me even till today. that was the real me during army.

Did it start to make me feel inferior?

Feel as if I am not good enough for anywhere

Which made me spin stories, impress people till I don’t know who I am anymore

When I started my 1st term in University, it gives a sense of satisfaction that I was a national cyclist, I got into accident while representing Singapore for some competition when the fact is, I was a young inexperienced rider who injured himself because he did not cherish life enough and wanted to fit in shoes which were too big for him.

Pride gave me short term happiness and long term agony as I divert further and further away from the truth. Not wanting to know who I really am, living a lie all these while

The time in NUS was like a new life altogether. Not lying ( the one at Eusoff hall not counted hoh, I really heard wrongly), carrying my cross, accepting the little to no power I have, leaving things in god’s hands, having quiet time with him everyday, spending quality time with people who don’t judge you, people who laugh with you, people who accept you for who you really are even though he may know that you are lying again ( thanks Kenny☺).

It make me understand more about myself, and come to terms that my deepest regret was lying at times to people who really love me.

Kenny stress over physics, exhausted now and then,the pulling of hair, trying to suffocate himself with his pulloever, Alvin totally absorbed with his assignment, mel Cons totally unstressed at all, Colin’s company during lunch, and deep sharing with me, Kendrick, a new brother who I was glad to be able to talk to, and the one who unexpectedly sparked off this realization of who I am, and the gal who got Kenny all excited today, I guess I am going to miss all of it. I am really awed by how the lord spoke to me this whole week, and end of it all, i thank him for the transformation I see in myself, which affirms me that our lord is here, at our first breath of our day, in times of darkness, in times of joy, and I am most willing to surrender all of my life’s work, myself to you and your work.

Mon is gonna be my 22th birthday. 2 years back, on my 20th birthday, I was alone, with people I don’t really know in Taiwan. And that was one of my most stressful moments during my army days, it was a make it break it kind of situation and I thought I would never make through it. I cried alone in the dark, Feeling unfair, why I had to be given such a heavy responsibility, why I could not enjoy my birthday with my love ones. I said a prayer to the lord. These were my exact words,” if you are really there, deliver me from all these nonsense, I don’t deserve this.” Then a unexpected bunch of people had a mini celebration for me at this small room in an army camp in the midst of a division exercise. I was touched but never thank the lord for it

My 21st birthday was not at some hotel, or at sentosa as i will want, I spent it hiding in my house, afraid to face the world with my hedious face. I wanted the day to pass quickly. then another unexpected bunch of friends turned up at my doorstep. It may not be a grand 21st, but I was touched yet again.

A day later will be my 22th b day. I seriously have nth to ask for.To be able to know you, your descendents, the many ppl today who do your work. There are just too many experiences and too many things which happened within these few mths to say you have never there for me

Thank you for everything. I cannot ask for more.
and thank you all of you, for being there for me all these while

Steven

testify to love.

2007-04-21T20:09:00.000+08:00

i didnt plan to blog here today, but i read everrrrlynnn's post and was so amazed at the timely-ness of it! haha.

yest, while studying i was very distracted by some haunting questions. how am i fulfilling my purpose in building God's kingdom when im living my life stuck in the library studying in school. so during lunch i shared with my friends and i was telling them that i can say for now studying is my vocation so i will lift up the day of studying as a form of worship and ya, im doing all this not for my own glory but for the glory of God, but that's a very know-in-the-mind kinda thinking and how much of that do i believe in my heart? for all i know, i may be just studying so hard (ok, quite hard la..) just to get good grades to keep the record, or just so ppl will hold me in higher regard or sth. in short, just to glorify myself la.. and that was disturbing.

one of my friends then said that it's in the realisation that it was by His grace that God brought us through this stressful period and being grateful and giving Him the glory by testifying and sharing with people this whole experience, that we are building His kingdom. and i was very struck by this and was very affirmed again, of the power of sharing and testifying to His love.

went for mass yest evening and felt really challenged by fr richards' sermon. he asked us, What do u want from God? What are you praying for? things of this life or of virtues and values that are more important for our life with Christ in eternity. What is our faith rooted in? How do we know if the things we are doing for God are the things He wants us to do for Him?

and he told us to pray more and discern. haha. yes, discern. i was there thinking, 'oh no.. not that word again! i dunno how to discern!!' and haha.. my answer arrived in the form of everlynnn's sharing! (: yayness.

but.. alot of questions to think about..

and erm, im not going for session tmr! mon morn paper i haven finished studying!! die..
no no wun die! cannot die. haha..

Discernment is not in the big things; it starts in the tiniest of matters in our daily living

2007-04-21T08:17:00.000+08:00

hi ppl,

had a very tiring but much better week this week than the last. am so sian now, cos it's sat and i've no plans and it's boring yet i have to mark test papers but i dun feel like and blah blah blah...

last nite had core meeting and i was there slightly late, didn't have a chance to go ado before that. was tired and not really in the disposition to discuss and listen to God. was deciding whether to go for ado first but somehow decided n ot to. how easily i fall into temptation like this and how real that temptation comes one after the other. the moment u fall for one, it becomes easier and easier to fall for another in the next few hours. cos wat happened was, i planned to go for evening mass, but somehow didn't feel as terrible a struggle in work as the previous week, so somehow jus didn't decide to go. felt that it was unfaithfulness on my part, like jus cos i dun really need the peace and quiet, i didn't think mass was that impt and jus didn't put it as priority. and simply allowed other things like work take over precedence. and then when i went to church for meeting, act wanted at least a longer prayer time, but jus didn't make sure i had that cos jus simply allowed myself to "go with the flow". so while waiting for jean, had a chance to go ado a short while and told God that i acknowledge this unfaithfulness and so i will make up for it by going morning mass. again it was tempting not to go, cos when i woke up in the morning, i realize my dad could be using the car. svdp mass ends at 730am and he needs the car at 745am. i'm like: maybe shouldn't go cos i may be late and then my dad will be late. i went back to sleep. after lying down for the next 30 seconds, i know the gnawing feeling that i was going through temptation and it will come one after another and it did, each one more serious then the previous time. so finally i literally pulled myself out of bed and went for mass.

how subtle these things can pass us by. more often than not, we're too caught up with what we feel, what we want to do, what makes us more comfortable that we have no more energy and time to think about being holy to listen to God to do these tiny and seemingly unimportant things. but it's really in listening in these small matters that will teach us and give us the platform to listen to Him in the big matters like vocation, career, marriage, studies, attachment, overseas exchange programmes, holiday job and internships. why is it that we find it hard to discern? cos we thought that discernment only comes in the big matters, but that's not true. discernement must be first experienced and practised in the tiniest matters of our daily living before we really know and understand the workings and movements of the Holy Spirit. To understand the workings and movements of the Spirit is to be able to identify what is God saying when certain events happen in a certain way. how often do we seek His Will in our lives in the tiniest matter? are our lives and our time truly ours to keep, to control, to decide, to dictate, to claim and to possess? What happens to the Holy Spirit living and working in us like wat St paul said?

May God reign in the tiniest matters of our daily living.
Lynn

hi pals!!

2007-04-19T23:41:00.000+08:00

tired... shag...deranged after studying

right bout now, mel and alvin are still at central library!

by the time kenny and cons read this, they will be," hiyah, no free ride to sch today!"

10 bucks say i will the earliest again tmr!

anyway i thank god that despite all the tiredness, i am touched by the sharing of collin during lunch today and preaching of father ambrose.

ok collin, don't worry.. u are not long winded mate!
i am quite sure your writing is more structured than some people like ME!!!

hahah!

anyway father ambrose preach bout how we cannot compromise our faith. when there are no 2 ways, either u follow or you don't. he say it in such a affirmed way, it doesn't sound like a warning but his sure speaks great volume

is our relationship with god an angry one??

do we put him in perspective, does he come first in everything?

someone shared with me the other day that even at our death bed, we have to go thru a test, a devil and an angel will come to ask you to choose your path. i was thinking, the devil being so smart will not come with red horns and a skewer as seen in cartoons, neither will he blow out flames, i think he will come in the form our greatest desires in our lives, for some, it may be a promise of a land full of money!, fame! , maybe for me, he will come in the form our Lance Armstrong, asking me to join him for tour defrance...!

ok maybe i have been thinking too much, and its hard to imagine wat will happen at our death bed, my point is, i was challenged today during mass bout where our lord is in our lives. if we are not able to rid ourselves of earthly pleasures, do god's will, putting our lord first in everything, how can we be convinced by wat our returns in heaven is like?

arti fatrti me!

2007-04-19T05:14:00.000+08:00

ok yest i was at orchard library. suppose to study there but i spent much, if not all of my time reading TIME mag( they have all the latest issues jean!) and book on 'Renaissance history and art'.

Do you know, that the movement of renaissance period was started by franciscians under St Francis Assicis!

the cross we use for P&W, is an art piece! K maybe you guys are going 'duh....' now, sorry! i was just enlightened today!

anyway prior to knowing the history behind the painting, when i first saw the cross in our room, the first thought which came to my mind was," huh... why the picture cartoon one, he doesn't even look like he is in pain!"

So praise lord, my 'intense study' of ART gave me new insights bout the painting itself. Don't you think that Jesus looks elevated and not pinned to the cross itself-nth can prevent him from doing his works
and his buttocks were enhanced to show the humanity and humility in him, to show that he was one of us and lived like one of us! and died for all of us.

so it wasn't a bad painting, it was done on purpose, an interpretation the artist wanted us to achieve on our own curiosity, so that it will leave a vivid impression in all of us!

anyway if you wanna borrow the book, get it at Orchard Library! since majority 99.9% of Singaporeans are more engrossed in stupid chinese variety shows( ok i am stereotyping ha!) , the book should be available most of the time.

Ok happy studying everyone... gonna zip my mouth for rest of the day, very hard can!

steven!!!

just Me, myself and my I Pod, I mac and so I speak

2007-04-19T05:06:00.000+08:00

sth which struck my mind yest during mass.

taken from yest's reflection:
One simple test of whether or not you're living the radically different risen life is your attitude toward money. If you live the risen life, you aren't preoccupied with money. Like Barnabas and other disciples in the early Church, you'd gladly sell your "property or houses" for the Lord (Acts 4:34). It isn't a problem to tithe and give alms, for you're more concerned with the welfare of the needy than with possessions (Acts 4:34).

Risen life is completely different than life before the resurrection. The difference is even more striking than the contrast between the murky darkness of the womb and the dazzling brightness of sunlight (see Jn 3:3). Risen life is radically different from "non-risen" life. To a person not living the risen life, understanding risen life is like a child in the womb trying to understand the wind outside the womb (see Jn 3:8). They probably can't understand why someone would tithe, but they do hunger for the joy, newness, peace, and freedom they see in those who truly live the risen life.(remember to include ur name AND label at the end!!)

I felt a set of mixed emotions when i saw the word 'money!'

happy cos i know money does not satisfy my thirst, but who am I lying to when I have my materialistic wants! like the new I Pod Video (HD), a new I mac, my CK underwear and Polo Ralph shirt! how to get them if i don't have money!

But i learned yesterday that those of the disciples who were rich like barnabas and st francis assicis, sold everything they have in possessions to follow our lord!

Of cos we are not called to beg on the streets now... but i was thinking in line of materialistic wants in our lives. i feel short changed! didn't go for Jonathon pele's talk the other day! will someone like to share?

steven!

i have a verbal diarrhoea

2007-04-16T23:30:00.000+08:00

i have so much to share now! cos kenny, melt and alvin make me shut my mouth at library today :I

collin! you had your dinner? sorry was studying... haha ph was on silent. anyway join us for lunch again tmr! n no more jap food can! the rice cheap quality one! and the milk shade taste and look gross! hahha k i shd not complain. or i will be asked to shud dup again!

anyway today was just beautiful... somehow i always come back to the jungles very happy when i study at nus, unexplainable! just felt the time will always be well spent and i feel closer to our lord after every study session. and guess its all thx to you you and you! yes you! who is reading this right now, who is awed by the power of faith and community too!

we went for mass at holy cross. like eve, it felt good to be thr after a day's work, after a day of studying which was actually not stressful at all! unexplainable! maybe cos being with u guys serve as a reminder to 'let go', don't get get stressed up and let god take care of my studies! anyway somehow it feels diff to go mass with the community as compared to going alone! even though i was told once that mass is the personal time betw u and god(any opinion on this?)... but it feels good to have friends who u really care about ard! and the dinner which is packaged with it! i won't mind travelling from 1 end to another just to rekindle that feeling.

today's homily left me thinking bout wat it takes to be a christian, and how i can make a diff to the rest of the world! ok actaully this challenge was posed by father fred to the 4 ppl in black shirts today! and no! tmr we gonna wear hot pink k! well anyway i haven't thought bout today's homily yet... hopefully will have some juice to think later

so today was really well spent. all the way from the time i caught my 1st conscious time to the time we parted at the bus stoP! i just feel so gd now!! argh,
es
anyway my exam is on wed not tmr! pray for me! and ye! see u guys same place tmr!

steven on 100% feel good pill!

Humility is not enough...

2007-04-16T21:26:00.000+08:00

hey good morning ppl (altho it's 9.30pm at nite now)

thanks cons for researching for us on the blood and water thing. shed more light on us now, it's brighter ard here, hehe.

this morning as i went to school, dunno why instead of the usual monday blues, i felt different. i felt as tho there was really nothing much to worry and be stressed about, tho previously i was stressed that other teachers were having an expectation on me to keep my class in check. but today, i simply took a step back. tried to go into class with as empty a mind as possible. trying to take a step of faith, to listen as intently as i can to the promptings of the Holy Spirit. it was great. i could be myself, and i felt happy being myself. even tho i think the other teachers might have frowned upon the way i conduct my lesson. but i have learnt not to take other's people opinions too seriously. ultimately, wats most important is what is the Will of the Father, more than the opinions of others.

went for evening mass at our church. one of the very nice moments spent with God. Thank you Father God. jus felt so good to be at mass, could jus feel His presence and warm, loving embrace and love for me. nothing else in the world mattered. during mass, the responsorial really struck me: "Blessed are they who trust in the Lord." indeed, blessed are they who totally entrust themselves, their lives, their work, their studies, their plans to God. How often in our lives do we ask, "Lord, i want to do this, but is this your Will for me?" how often do we place ourselves and what we want way above what God wants for us, eg in the decisions we make everyday, in the places we want to go, in the modules we want to do, in the way we spend our time whether to sleep, study, go out or go mass.

i thank God that today i felt and understood a little more, what it means to carry my cross, yet surrender it to Christ. To carry my cross, is to face, endure, accept the fear, anxiety, pessimism, the lack of courage and disappointment and discouragement when we are stressed. and to surrender is to admit and accept the fact that i have no control over the things in my life. that is a scary situation. yet trusting in Him that He will provide everything. and that doesn't jus take humility. It takes GREAT humility.

hope u understand wat i'm saying cos i'm quite sleepy rite now. Praise God for allowing me to encounter Him again in the solemn-ness of His presence at mass today.

eve

blood and water that flowed from his side

2007-04-15T19:59:00.000+08:00

HEYY!! haha. remember our blood and water discussion?
i searched online and saw a few explanations. but think this one is the simplest to understand. lesser medical terms.. hahaha.

MEDICAL EXPLANATION

"the flogging Jesus endured most likely caused hemorrhagic fluid to build up in the space between the ribs and the lung. The spear thrust below the lung, evacuated this fluid first, which was then followed by a flow of blood." - taken from lectionarystudies.com

hemorrhage = internal bleeding.

SYMBOLISM

ok, but this website goes on to say that actually the main point that st john wanted to bring across in his gospel was that "Jesus died and he died in a way testified by scripture: they gambled over his clothing, no bones were broken and he was pierced ...... Jesus died the death of a real human person. He wasn't some spiritual apparition, a divine being pretending to be human. Nor was he not quite dead, able to revive in the tomb and wander around for forty days until his wounds got the better of him. No, he died the death of a real flesh and blood human person. "

The outpouring of Christ’s Life for us, represented in the blood and water which flowed from His pierced Heart, continues in the Church, especially through the sacraments. The Church has always seen in the water and blood which flowed from the Pierced Heart of Jesus a sign of the Sacraments of Baptism and the Holy Eucharist, by which we come to life in the Church through the outpouring of the Holy Spirit into our souls, and by which the life of the Holy Spirit dwelling within us is nourished by the Heavenly Food which is the true Body of Christ. (taken from catholicculture.org)

"On the Cross, blood and water flowed from Jesus' side, not blood alone, but blood and water. At the altar ..(the priest prepares).. the cup for consecration. First the wine and then a drop of water. The water symbolizes you and me. He prays: "By the mystery of this water and wine may we share in Christ's divinity who humbled himself to share in our humanity." The drop of water disappears into the darkness of the wine, blood red." (taken from catholicpeacefellowship.org)

2007-04-14T19:12:00.000+08:00

Hi all!!

I think this post has been long overdue. Sorry I am a dory! It only occurred to me during my planning for the summer break that if I do not enter this post now, the things I gonna share now may never resurfaced again, and will just become part of ‘garage’ part of the memory.

Easter pass and gone. Guess it has’t been an easy one for me-struggling with faith and where my priorities lie, and you for the many questions which cause much distress

Just when I thought Community is just a social club, thank you Collin whose sincere questioning of my experience changed my perspective of community altogether. I realized that I was using a cognitive perception of people from the start, which hindered my judgement all along. As I reflected over the beautiful sharing the lord has given us the other night, I humbled myself to admit that the reason of me not getting the most out of community is cos I don’t know much bout it in the first place.

–why should there be a community?
-why a need for sharing
-is it just a club for us to feed our emotional wants?

I was awed by how these questions were vividly explained to me that night, most of the answers to my qualms and expectations were unveiled.

With this, I praise lord for the time spent guys at coffee bean. Despite the fear of exams which are drawing near, its amazing how I felt good after that gathering. You get what I mean don’t you, the ‘man… I am so guilty I should be at home studying’ kind of feeling’. But we just put everything aside and discuss about issues which are close to our heart. That was definitely more fruitful than studying.

Last week, a friend asked me bout my experience during Easter. I had so much to tell, all the way from the start of lent, to the night of holy Thurs and eater vigil. For many who share the faith, Easter may just be at day by its own, and its hard even for them to understand why one will put himself into so much ‘trouble’-traveling by cab to and fro to attend station of cross, attending daily mass, trying to balance sch work and faith when it seems relatively simple to many, its simple-faith shall take the backseat,

And the unexplainable love, sadness, struggle, happiness-mixed emotions just propelled me this whole week

As Emily tan has said in his post-This exam is the best I ever had - not cos it is easy but cos of the struggle, to put faith first, and me putting our lord into perspective

I super enjoy myself during the studying process. (I found this beautiful place to study at NTU!!! WOW!

See super beautiful! its actually an amphitheatre, the acoustics is excellent! super good venue to jam, or hold a play. love this place lots, hope to perform here one day! but now, it shall be study!!

Steven!

Strong Faith produces Humble & Genuine Service

2007-04-11T15:14:00.000+08:00

Dearest Friends,

Last evening, some of us attended another session with Mgsr Eugene Vaz on St. Luke Gospel. We were covering Luke 16 - 18 last evening and partial of 15 as well. I really enjoyed the lesson last night as i begin to understand more and more of how MEV teaches his lesson and it teaches the power of faith.

"When you have faith, you do what faith requires of you, not for gratitude but of humble service"

"And when you are in service, you don't look for thanksgiving or appreciation."

In Luke 17:5, the Apostles ask the Lord to increase their faith. However, Jesus replied saying, "Unless you have the faith of a mustard seed, "... what does it actually mean ... it dawned upon me last evening, that faith is not quantitative but it is of depth and qualitative. We should ask the to deepen our faith rather than to increase our faith because it can never be increased in the first place. It has to be strengthened. This bring me to mind of the foundation that Jesus mentioned. That our foundation has to be rooted in Him so that when the storm comes to our lives, we will continously and faithfully trust in Him.

Well, I really have to thank the Lord as to how he has taught me so much about servanthood. We are caught to be dignified servanthood not slaves ... can you see the difference? I really thank God for teaching me so much about servanthood through my previous job in NUS, Chemistry. I felt i was treated like a undignified servant because I don't see it as a responsbility or duty that God has entrusted me. I was not really happy doing what i did. But today, the Lord showed me more and more about my responsibility as a child of God each day. Service to others has become a joy for me each day as i go to work and I really want to thank God for that. But i have to admit that God is still purifying me in this area but because i have been praised by so many people in my new job due to efficiency (surprisingly man ...) .. and being organized. I also have to thank God for allowing me to go through my major operation as it was through my major operation that i learnt the importance of time management. Due to eh major operation, I had to take my medicine timely (with or without food) and hence, managing such a time is of great importance.

It is with responsibility in my job that I have learnt what genuine service is all about and I believe it has alot to do with my recognition that my identity lies deep inside me as the beloved Son of the Father.

"My Loving and Perfect Father has a better plan ... trust in Him."

With regards to my job, I also would like to share something that is pretty deep here. Two days ago, I was sharing with one of the men in the Men's group about my job. I was sharing how blessed I was as I was given this new job .. it's really a great blessing from the Lord. In fact, a number of my colleagues who worked there for quite some time and even those who worked for 10 years can tell me that this is the best place to work because of the environment and the welfare here. It is indeed true that the welfare and environment here is really good. The people are very friendly and hardly have i heard of any political issue happening. My perception of working life has changed dramatically because of this job.

It is through all these that I have learnt from my loving perfect Father that He has a better plan for each and everyone of us. As mentioned earlier, there was this other men in the men group who i was sharing with. He too started a new job on the same day as me and he shared with me how he realised that God has a better plan for each of us. When he shared his strong with me, it dawned me that God really has a better plan and sometimes we try to run away from the better plan because we feel that his so-called better plan is not as good as our own plan. Before i left NUS Chemistry, i was clinging on to the fact that i wanted to stay put in that job because i was so used to that job and i felt quite comfortable there already. I was worried about starting from scratch because it took a year to start from scratch from the previous job. I was worried about so many silly things and yet I was all wrong because there's truly nothing to worry about. All my worries has been taken care of. I have friendly and approachable boss and i was able to pick up the job so fast that there were wonderful comments from colleagues telling me that i am like one who worked in IMRE for many years. Praise be to God .. Through all this, i learnt that God indeed has a better plan for me and everyone else as well.

However, this morning as i was bathing, something came to mind and i felt that the Lord was challenging me something that I found it difficult to do so. It was as good as telling me, look my son, i have well-taken care of you; whatever worries that you have encountered initially was all well taken care of - that also includes your studies... i have provided you a comfortable, conducive and peaceful location for you to study part time while you are working. This was i felt my dearest Father in Heaven was telling me ... and then He continue, you have seen it ... can you trust that your love-life relationship will be taken care by me despite all your worries. Trust that I have a better plan for you ... trust that I will provide you what you need in your life.

Well, a couple of months ago, i wrote a 1.5 page of letter to Janice and I told her that I am struggling about the relationship thing. But I told her that i would like to take a step of faith in God that God has a better plan for me and that if this is not God's will that I actually asked her to pray for me that i will have the strength to let go of her. I have to admit that the prayer seemed to work for me now more and more as i realised that I am able to let go slightly more and more and I began to realise that i am more open now. But seriously, i really don't know what God has installed for me .. but i just have to trust in His Divine and Perfect Plan .. because He loves me dearly.

The last thing i would like to share with you guys is that ... if you are struggling with your faith or your personal identity as a Child of God. This is what you can do ... you could actually start sharing your faith with others because it is through that .. sharing your faith story that you are able to relive that faith again by the power of the Holy Spirit. This was what exactly happened today as I was affected by some comments and i was shaken. But I kept telling myself that i should not be affected by it but to cling on the fact that I am beloved son of the Father. And then as i was sharing my faith story during lunch with an old friend, I began to recall so many blessings in my life ... So, BASIC, starting spreading and sharing your faith with others and you would be amazed how your very faith would strengthened and deepened because the Holy Spirit will remind you the many blessings that you probably foget at times...

Praise be to God!!!!

Thanks.

With Love,
Your brother in Christ,
Colin Sng

come as you are.

2007-04-10T18:22:00.000+08:00

HELLO! haven shared in a while. haha..

today, i finally had the last test of the semester! feel ABIT relieved, less stressed now, but no need reminders that exams are in just two weeks time!

i called home just now to offer to buy dinner for everyone, and when i came home i was quite irritated that my sister just opened the door for me, didnt even look at me and went back to her computer. no word of thanks, no help to bring the food to the table, no nothing. my dad was a different story la, he was very grateful to me for getting dinner for them and refunded me money somemore. so i left the food on the table, and my dad came after a while and took my sister's food and served her where she was in front of her computer and playing the guitar la. and i was ABIT gvanofug (rubbish word, cos i dunno how to describe what i felt), i mean, she stay home whole day can at least go buy dinner SOME days or something so that ppl tired from work or sch can just come straight home, BUT she's the kind that WUN ever do that. yea. so i was gjaglajsl. ya. but i know my dad was just being his usual nice loving dad la, serve her food, thank me "very much" and watever.

it was then i realise, i do things not PURELY out of love but also cos i feel obliged to. cos if i did it out of love, i wouldnt feel as though my sis and i had to have an equal share in the 'workload'. i ALWAYS feel 'why do i have to do this and she doesnt have to?' and its quite dumb cos it's not as if my parents tell me to do things, sometimes i even offer on my own accord la. its quite weird. like i know, if i didnt buy dinner home today, my dad would have to go buy, and i feel quite bad cos it's not as if we're still little kids or anything. also, being the eldest i think my parents placed a different set of expectations on me, i dunno if it is different expectations cos im the eldest, or they've set different expectations based on our individual characters la.. but all the same, i feel like im expected to be the good and obedient one, no need to worry my parents, expected to do well in school, expected to massage my dad, expected to offer to buy dinner/lunch whatever, etc.. so with all these perceived expectations, i do all the things i feel obliged to, just to 'keep my parents happy with me'. i think its subconsciously that, but i dun usually feel i have to do that if not my parents will kill me or anything la. but i think the root cause of this whole perceived expectations leads to the yearning to be approved by my parents or anyone else for that matter.

then i was very affirmed cos throughout the whole time those thoughts ran through my mind, i suddenly felt at peace with myself, no longer irritated with my sister, i should just accept her as she is, changing her for the better is another thing, but acceptance is the first step to being at peace with myself and with the people around me. also, im again strongly reminded that God our father loves me too much, even though he may be like any other parent who 'expects' me to be good and obedient and etc, but his love is so perfect that even though i may not reach his standards which i will never will, He still loves me PERFECTLY, (haha, eve's previous post), JUST AS I AM. (: i just have to 'come as i am'.

similarly, i have no need for human approval, cos i should be secure in God's love. so yup, now's the time for me to share that Love He has given/shown me to the people around me. (:

praise God.

"Do you love me as much as you think you can, never mind it being imperfectly?"

2007-04-09T20:41:00.000+08:00

oh my gosh, harlow people. i'm sup to come home to do work, set mid-year exam papers, but got so hooked onto reading our blogs that i had to share too. exam papers, pls wait.

every sunday at about evening time six plus, i'll feel super sian, cos monday is going to come again. the dreadful day of meeting a particular class of students is going to come again, the defeated feeling of not being able to control them and make them keep quiet and motivate them will once again dampen my spirit and motivation for teaching once again. every week i live through this ordeal. no exception last night.

but this monday morning, recalling that i had a wonderful easter experience, i tried to take things differently. if i had an experience and encounter with God, surely that must change things in my life? so surely, that change must start today? i walked into class, being very conscious that i had been placing expectations on that bunch of students, expectations that were way too high for them to reach, way beyond them. i was not meeting them at their level, but was hoping that they will rise up to meet where i am. so i tried to be very conscious that i should lower my expectations, close one and a half eye to whatever i normally would not accept. i don't know if such attitude of mine will do them more harm or good, but i have no other choice but to try. i can only tell from the fruits (if any) of this decision.

after the lesson, i went to the toilet (where inspirations find it easiest to sink into me), and i thought about how disastrous it would be if God had expected me to be perfect, because i know i am not. then i recalled the passage about Jesus asking Peter thrice "Do you love me?". the first two times, Jesus was asking "Peter, do you love me like i love you, perfectly?". but the third time that Jesus asked, Jesus was really asking, "Peter, do you love me as much as you think you can, never mind it being imperfectly?" I felt like Peter. (my gosh, just as i'm typing this sentence, the song from the blog played: "Lord, i'm amazed by you, how you love me. How great is your love for me!") and i learnt that these kids are really still grasping and groping around for guidance and direction, this is really the time when they make the most number of mistakes. how i feel so called to be super patient and accepting. i pray that God will increase my patience and acceptance for them and teach me how to guide them.

Praise God.

Ever-lynn

God is good.....

2007-04-08T20:12:00.000+08:00

i am so tired, thinking of taking a nap but i just cant sleep.. the whole event of the mass that i just attended was running in my mind n i cant stop but think about the whole celebration. it has been so long since dont know when, God Knows, that i feel connected with God at mass. Although i tell myself that i must try to see God at mass but things did not impact me at all. am i just too occupied with my own thoughts n ideology about things. Easter tridumn this yr, i looked forward to exp God in my life or even just to get a glimpse of God's love but that didnt happen. Easter vigil, theortically seems to be so meaningful with the darkness, the light of christ, the salvation history, the bells, the easter song, the allueia n the gloria but this yr i didnt strike me at all... i went in for mass hoping to get something out of it again i didnt.. why... i was panicking and i dont know what happen to me.. i was like how... sunday.. i am gg to be godpa to kendrick. how unprepared i am.. plus the recent appointment of being a core member... like arhh how can i be like this . . .o man.. is it school that has caused me to be like this... arhh... i dont know... questions like what marcus asked "do all of u feel high with God at mass", "wht is a christ encounter"..... they really haunt me.. i start to doubt.. why Christ has to die, why he is risen... arhh.... someone pls help me..

BUT today, at the baptism mass, everything was revealed to me. I literally can feel the spirit of God moving in the whole church despite being in a non aircon church, with a tie n long sleeve...i feel the peace and joy within my heart n the assurance once again that he is real n present in our lives. Fr paul homily was amazing as he said that God is risen n we are living our everlasting life now on earth. He also mentioned that the reason when pple served in ministries they act exp God in all the activites and how God works in all these areas. (that is what i remembered.. did i remember correctly???!!!)

When we entered into baptism.. wow. it strike me the most .. i tell u.. i literally was brought back to my own baptism n how have i said yes o God.. i also witness how so many pple are touched after the baptism.. how the pple around me like kendrick's journey kakis n himself were so excited for baptism... dont know what it entails.. that is the faith they desire.. the next quest i asked myself "where is my desire ?" i dont hav an ans to this quest but i was lifted up by their faith n action.... the whole celebration was so siginificant to me... i even witness adults tearing after baptism.. amazing.... i was so awed.. really awed.. i actuall stoned quite a bit at mass.. i dont know what to tell God.. hahaah hey are you all lost in my sharing... pls dont they are just vry random... just thought of sharing. I believe this exp has helped me to realised God's love for all of us n how pple desire to know him.

As i walked back from the train station, i was like wei... back to reality.. i just didnt want to come down from that estacy with the Lord.. slowly the thought o exams are creeping into my mind, when i josh msg me to ask me for physics past year paper. when my godson asked me where i am gg?? i said home ... to study?!?!? PHysics.. exams???? o man.. it is so real that i must lived my faith in the world n not contained it in a box.. i was like ok... hmm.....

Praise God for the experience . . . . . praise God for all my love ones, my friends like all of u....all the things that he has given me, blessed me with n are still giving me... Congrats Godson.... on the day of your baptism n confirmation.. hope that the conversation will slowly begin from ur heart.. that includes me too... hmm.. have to it my books now.. but i know that he will be with me..

When you embrace your crosses, you embrace Christ

2007-04-07T15:04:00.000+08:00

hey ppl take a look at this, quite interesting.

eeever-lynn

questions

2007-04-07T13:17:00.000+08:00

i have some questions. maybe you guys can help me. evelyn has already answered one of them in her own way. your sharings will be great! =)

going for mass is a communal affair but it is also a very private one. what do we say before mass? when the priest raises up the eucharist, what is running through our minds as we bow our heads? when we are preparing to go up for communion, what do each of us say or do? what are we praying for or about? what are we saying to jesus? as we are walking along, waiting in queue for our turn to stretch out our palms or stick out our tongues to receive the eucharist, do we continue that prayer? or what? when we reply, "amen", what goes on in our hearts? as we walk back to our seats, what is happening? and when we are praying in silence after communion, has the conversation changed from before communion? when we kneel down in prayer after mass, what is that prayer we are saying?

when we go to the adoration room for our own silent time, each of us has our own style regarding how we spend that time. how do you spend yours? are you just silent? are you reflecting on anything in that silence? are you singing praises in your mind? do you read the bible? or some reflective book? or say a repetitive prayer, the rosary, divine mercy? or sleep?

i'm just very curious about all this. because there are times when it's quiet and i just don't know what to do. my mind wanders off and i get distracted. and then i get distracted with how i am going to fill up that time, or with my legs cramping up, or something. all i want to do is spend some proper time with jesus! your sharings or suggestions will help! please advice!

and can someone tell me once and for all the stand about holding hands during our father?

-shireen

I DON'T WANT to give my cross to Jesus anymore...

2007-04-07T10:25:00.000+08:00

hi cellies, thanks for all your sharings.

just wanted to respond to mel cos what she shared really brought me back to my r/s with my mother too. very similar in the sense that she too was a perfectionist and always expected me to be the best, "the best" only defined in her terms. i too struggled with not having an understanding mother. always wondered since young why i can't have a loving mother like other people. but i think there was one day when she shared about her childhood, about how demanding and perfectionist her own mother was, then only i understood why my mother is the way she is now. her stories of the past and her childhood really touched and struck me because i came to see how she too was so broken and she too had experienced hurts and unacceptance by her mother. and there was still much pain now, perhaps even some unforgiven hurt deep within, when my grandmother is long gone and passed away. but the brokenness in her is sstill not gone, therefore her personality and character is a result of all those painful experiences. and i started to take pity on her instead. she shared that her mother was so demanding that even when chopping long beans, she would be scolded and shouted at for not cutting each and every one of them of exactly the same length! when my grandmother was in hospital, my mother brought home clothes for her, but my grandmother was so mean that she made her go home several times and back again cos she keeps bringing the wrong set of clothes. for my mother, her new marriage life was like freedom at last, to get away from her mother. so what i'm saying is that all those times that she is being mean and hurtful, if we look at it from a point of view that she is just reacting to those hurts, then we will come to realize that it is not us that they're not accepting. it is themselves that they're really not accepting. isn't that how sad? i too still have to put up with her shortcomings now, but it's better cos i don't constantly get hurt thinking i'm not accepted anymore. and of course, praying for her helps alot, both in our perceptions of her and as well as a change in her over long term.

second sharing. haha i realize that the title of my previous post (which was supposed to be from a bible phrase) is wrong! It's supposed to be "the testing of our faith produces perseverance", oh well but "perseverance produces faith" sounds good too, this one is according to the letter of St Paul to the eeever-lynnians, hehe.

ok now to the sharing that i wanted to share about maundy thu and good fri. i really thank and praise God that this year's maundy thu and good fri is the best among all my years as a catholic. not that there is any emotional high (actually in fact there is none). but the whole experience is a certain surety of affirmation og Jesus' presence and realness. u see on maundy thu, i had a super long day in school and was unable to go back early to get changed for maundy thu mass. and at 6.50pm i was still in school, mass started at 7pm. in the morn i asked to be excused earlier but i was not allowed. there was a certain unhappiness within. but perhaps if it was not cos i had to rush, i wouldn't have appreciated mass so much. and the phrase that josh used in their blog came up to me: "inconvenient faith". even when there is desire to be closer to God, faith is indeed inconvenient. for a moment i was tempted not to go for mass, but if i didn't go for mass, then it shows that my faith is really out of convenience. then throughout the whole mass, i jus enjoyed experiencing peace, being receptive to all the songs and readings. and the best part was as i was queueing to receive communion, i felt this urge to say this to Christ: " Dear Jesus, i want to give you my lack of faith and unforgiveness(towards the person who made me stay late). i want to detach from my lack of faith. I WANT TO DETACH FROM MY LACK OF FAITH. and in exchange i want to receive your body, which is my source of life, of strength, of love, of grace, of patience, of perseverance, and esp of faith." in the past i used to take the Eucharist for granted but that evening i started to believe more that the Eucharist is truly our source of everything we need.

then during the movie "passion", the scene where mother mary met Jesus struck me too. first cos i always wondered how come mary didn't cry or wail? wasn't she devastated? didn't she feel pain in her heart? but i came to realize that she was fighting within her to have the faith that God is in control of all this. that in the midst of the mocking crowd, the whipping of the soldiers, the falling down of her disfigured son, she was fighting not to stop all those things cos she was fighting to cling on to her faith in God. really struck me that what great faith she had. she was not overome by everything that happened right in front of her. and the second thing that struck me was Jesus, as he fell on his face, perhaps any other normal person would be thinking: "this is really so painful, this is really too tough, i really dun want to do this anymore, it's too hard, i can't do it." but yet he picked himself up and even told his mother that he's "making all things new". how he chooses to carry his cross in the face of pain, torture and agony. what more discomfort and inconvenience for us? so during the good fri service, again during communion i recalled the evening before my prayer to Jesus. but this time i prayed: "Dear Jesus i DON'T WANT to give you all my crosses anymore. becos by doing that, i am not carrying my own cross, i am not embracing it, i'm jus giving it away so i dun have to carry it. this time Lord, i want to carry my cross, but walking to calvary next to you. which means i want to face the discouragement by my students with you, i want to face the uncertainty of life next to you, i want to face my fears walking with you. becos in carrying my crosses, i can identify with you more and more, in carrying my cross, you are becoming more and more real to me. and in exchange i want to receive your graces to carry these crosses in the Eucharist, i want to receive from this source of faith, of strength, of perseverance, of life, of love. Amen"

It has been the most real Passion to me, as i carried my cross with Jesus. but i still have to learn how to die with Him hanging on the cross. i pray that i will rise with Him on easter resurrection too. Amen. Praise God.

eeever-lynn

Mother's Love ...

2007-04-06T18:55:00.000+08:00

HI Friends,

I am going to try something different today (do you consider this is as creative and something unique haha ...) ... I am going to reply the post that Mel Chen has shared. Mel Chen, you are indeed very courageous to share the other side of you and i really want to thank you for that. I am so glad more and more people are sharing so openly and honestly. And i guess in doing so, it helps us to remember that we are not alone in our struggle.

Anyway, to my dearest sister, Melissa Chen, i can really relate to you when sometimes my mother tries to correct me. Well, personally, to me it is like imposing her teachings upon me. But i do admit that though these are some words that really hurt me, I have to admit that she tries her best to show her love and concern for me. I also can understand taht she's pretty a broken person and what's more she's a human. I have come to slowly accept her brokenness but whenever she gets so frustrated and she tries to overprotect just because of my medical condition and me being the only child, I will get even more angry. I guess it has alot to do with her brokenness hence she do feel insecure since my father is no longer around for her.

Actually, as you are sharing the 'staircase' story with us, I guess that's where you need to ask the Lord to heal that particular area of your life. To ask the Holy Spirit to bring you back to that aspect of your life to heal those areas.

We will continue to pray for you and your mother ... hang in there and God will bless you as you pray about it...

Take care and God bless.

With Love,
Your brother in Christ,
Colin Sng

Colin Sng

The Road to Calvary

2007-04-06T14:16:00.000+08:00

Dear Cellies,

Wow our blog is really growing ! Its so great to read all the posts at the end of a tired and terrible day at work. All the posts in here really keep me going, and holding on to my Lord, who i know carries my cross for me.

Last night, when we watched the Passion of Christ, the part that never fails to touch me is when Mary watches Jesus fall as he carries his cross to Calvary. Theres a flashback to when Jesus was a child and how she rushed over when he fell. The first thing she says is "Im here." I just broke down and cried, because of the love and pain a mother has to go through to see the baby she once carried in her hands being tormented, while still accepting it as the will of God all at the same time.

The reason why this part always touches me, is because of the broken relationship i have with my mother.

I onced shared that my mother and i never had an outwardly loving relationship. When i was 10, i remember i fell down the staircase in my house from the 2nd to 1st floor and instead of asking me "are you ok?", my mother started scolding me non stop for half an hour. The first thing she said was "how can you be so stupid as to fall down the stairs!"

Recently, ive really been struggling with her. She drives me to work every morning, and every morning she never fails to point out something that is wrong with me e.g. "your hair is damn ugly", "your skin is damn bad", "your clothes are so ugly, only you think its nice!" And when i went to the airport to fetch her when she came back from Korea, the first thing she said when she saw me was "You are so fat !" Today at lunch she started her criticism and said "You eat so loudly!"

And i got so tired of hearing her criticisms so at lunch i said "stop". But she didnt, she went on and on and she said "my job is to correct your mistakes!" and when i walked off from the table to the living room to eat, i could hear her still criticizing me in the kitchen and she kept asking my brother "you agree or not? Im correct right?"

It really hurts to know that the one person in your life you seek validation from, the person who gave birth to you never fails to point out everything that is wrong with you and how you are so so so not perfect and not good enough. Which is why when Mary cried, i cried. I cried for the mother i never had, and wish i have.

My whole life i realized is some kind of validation exercise and everytime even when people say "wow you are so lucky ! you studied overseas ! you went to a good JC ! you have a good job!", I still feel "huh? really?" To my mother its still not good enough because i didnt go to a school like Cambridge or Oxford, and i didnt get a scholarship to make her happy.

I guess this is also why im really struggling with a good friend who always tries to "challenge" me because i feel i have to prove myself not just to my mother but even to a good friend.

But as i reflected on the burden of my cross more and more, i thought of the song Complete and how i really pray one day i can see beyond my Calvary. I still thank God that He is there to carry my cross for me, if not the burden of the cross will be worse and I have Him to love me no matter how incomplete, how imperfect or how big a failure i am to my mother or whoever. I really thank God for allowing me to know Him, because if it wasnt for the hope He gives, I really would have fallen into depression a long time ago and contemplated suicide.

Cellies please pray for my mother and her cross too. I know its still a long long walk to Calvary but I really pray that one day we'll both be reconciled in the Lord by His Grace.

God Bless,

Melch

“Bloom where you’re planted.”

2007-04-05T14:31:00.000+08:00

this is a quote i obtained from the "best cell blog" in raymond's post which was inspired by one of the PDL daily devotionals. there's a story behind it for me. read on...

last december, we were at lifesprings for our retreat. on the second day, in the morning, i remember melt and i scrambling for mass (as usual since it was so early!!) and on the way to the chapel, i caught sight of a little bench facing a fence, through which there was a beautiful and refreshing view of the hill and the sky. i made a mental note in that rush that no matter what, i was going to sit there and enjoy it at some point during the retreat. breakfast was a filling affair but i still hadn't forgotten the bench. as i walked out, i remember stopping near the koi pond, choosing which was a better bench to sit on for the few remaining minutes before the first session. there happened to be a nun standing there too.

"is that fish pregnant?" asked the nun.

"huh? is she talking to me??" said shireen in her mind.

i walked over to have a look. and she pointed out to me a fish with a bulge where its tummy should have been. i had no idea what a pregant koi looked like.

"maybe its a pot belly?" retorted shireen, for lack of a more intelligent response.

a conversation bloomed from there.

"it is so therapeutic looking at these fish, isn't it?" she said.

"hmm, but don't you think they find it boring? swimming round and round the whole day?" shireen honestly felt sorry for the fish and couldn't imagine living such a life.

"ah, you think its boring, but that's the life they know. do you think they find it boring?" something to that extent was her reply, i forget the exact words.

"well, i guess maybe not, since they really go about swimming here and there like they're doing something really important," shireen pointed out this observation.

"the fish are happy where they are. the trees are happy where they're planted. do you think the plant growing in your jamban (toilet) will say, "i want to pick myself up and plant myself somewhere else?" no, it is happy growing where it is. we should learn to just be." said the nun, animatedly. shireen laughed when she heard the word, "jamban".

in shireen's mind, there were lots of "but this...." and "but that...."s. but she decided to shut those voices up and listen to this nun. she had not heard this for the first time, "just be." but there are times in our lives when the same words sound different and singe our hearts more than at other times. maybe its the connection with the person who's saying it, maybe it's the powerful realisation that god planted us both to be where we were right there and then at that appointed time, or maybe it's the cure for a certain restlessness stirring within.

and today, as i was reading raymond's post, i saw that line, “Bloom where you’re planted.”

and i suddenly understood perfectly what that nun meant when she talked about the plant in the jamban.

dear god,

whether we are in the jambans of our life (shit happens sometimes), or on top of the world, or just in the middle, help us to bloom where we're planted. to know that through our weaknesses, your strength is made perfect. give us hearts of humility, hearts that seek to serve and not be served. plant the seeds of your kingdom in our hearts, lord, and let us allow you to nurture us with your love and grace, so that we may bloom into trees for the birds of the air to make their nests in, so that our branches will always be reaching out to you, praising and glorifying you, as we receive the sunshine of your love forevermore.

love,
shireen

"Perseverance produces faith, so that we may be complete, lacking in nothing."

2007-04-04T19:31:00.000+08:00

hi people, so glad to read the blog again, of how God is real and living in your lives.

first, read josh's post on faith of convenient. and was quite struck by it. i remember how cons shared with me before that she would never get a boyfren from school, cos she feels it would just be a r/s out of convenience, cos go lecture, tutorial, breakfast, lunch, dinner tog and maybe even stay in the same hall. wonder if she still feels the same way and i was equally struck by that too. i questioned if my r/s is one of convenience too. perhaps initially, but the days that follow definitely were not. there were jus too many inconveniences to be convenient. the number of times that i felt like giving up: countless.

then read marie's post. yup this is a much more effective way of sharing. glad this was set up. perhaps we might even do away with sunday sharing. except that there are still people who have not blogged yet, so need to encourage them.

and to ray, i am def not an angelic teacher. gosh jus scolded two boys for playing around in the lab. it's really tough. what does it mean by being of service to these students? where to draw the line? when to be compassionate and when to discipline. what if u dun discipline and they get into bigger and worse trouble in future. what if u dun show compassion and they are emotionally hurt and wounded. gosh a whole lot of what if. but am reminded to persevere, still rem the gift that alvin and some of them gave us for one of our msc anniversary. it's a photo frame and the picture of a guy standing on top of a cliff. the passage was from book of james and our individual names were typed into the passage. the frame is on my work table and everyday i'm reminded to persevere and to ask for God's wisdom. for perseverance produces faith, so that we may be lacking in nothing. it's not easy having to overcome discouragement and disappointment every other day, every other lesson. but the strength comes from God. to those out there struggling in work and studies too, persevere. as i spoke to my student, was on the verge of tears and crying in my heart "i have tried so hard to reach out to you. why are you not responding?" perhaps this was how Jesus felt on the cross.

eeever-lynn

drenched with his love

2007-04-04T13:43:00.000+08:00

reading colin's post on discernment and i ask myself, why does it have to be so confusing? it's like the first post i typed on this blog. how the most obvious thing sometimes just isn't the thing for us and how sometimes, the most obvious thing really IS the most obvious thing. with thoughts like these, it's no wonder we just stand still sometimes, too afraid to go anywhere and do anything. "what if i'm wrong? what if i'm wrong?" but its in stagnant waters that bloodsuckers lay their eggs, right?

you know how sometimes your intentions are totally pure but you can never say the right words or do the right things to make a friend happy? how no matter what you do or say, your friend still will not forgive you, still cannot forget the wrong move you made, the wrong word you said, when all you really wanted to do was to make your friend happy? but your friend can't see all that is in your heart and doesn't know how you yearn to see him/her happy, how you yearn to love him/her the best you can, and the struggles and demons within that you battle.

my experience of god tells me otherwise. it tells me that god is not so petty. it tells me that god sees the depths of my heart and he loves me the same. it tells me that all i have to do is desire him first, is to seek him with my whole heart. sometimes, it's hard to hear his voice, most of the time actually. but god is the almighty. he placed the stars in the sky and he knows them by name. from a distance, he sees the prodigal son rise up from amongst the pigs, his clothes covered in mud. from a distance he ALREADY sees, and he RUNS and EMBRACES and KISSES him. yes, god is not so petty. we may say the wrong words, be confused by the wickedness and snares of evil, choose the wrong paths, but what matters to him is that desire to be close to him, so close that nothing can come between.

we just worry too much, us humans, me shireen, at times. we're too busy worrying, our brows all furrowed, thinking and thinking and worrying and thinking. but there are these times when i just relax my frown and open my eyes wide and let the corners of my mouth turn up and breathe and look around me and i realise that my god, my rock, is right here with me, all around me, in the breeze that makes the leaves dance, in the glorious clouds high above, in reno (my dog) who never fails to disarm me with his smiles, in the kindness of strangers and love of family and friends. and at these times, my heart is only overflowing with praise for god and i just let myself be still for a while, allowing his love to wash over me. his love is constant, whether the skies are grey or black or blue.

lord almighty, how happy are those who trust in you. -Psalm 84:12

-shireen

Spirit of Discernment please pour afresh upon me!!!

2007-04-04T09:21:00.000+08:00

Hi friends,

I really don't know what to do ... the harvest is plentiful but the laborers are few ... but yet, I really don't know whether is it God's Will for me to carry on to even further my studies now. Though I have great desire to serve Him in ministries, i was once being challenged by Sam Lim this morning from St. Ignatius of Loyola that the Devil can also misled us in the 'apparent' good that having this spiritual desire may not be even from God ... So i really don't know how ...

Last night, I really had so much of difficulty in sleeping simply because there's so much worries, fears, and anxieties in me. I was wondering whether i should consider studying now. Currently, i am already involved in Men's group, MSC Core, and Catechist ... but thank God the catechist thing should be over by September 2007. The reality of the problem is that i am going to work full time and study part time ... and plus all the church ministries ...

I really don't know how to move on in life man especially after speaking to Samuel... there's suddenly so much fear in me that i might fall into the trap of the evil one ... It's so difficult to discern what is from God ... Lord Jesus, Please help me in my discernment process and I am struggling greatly ... please be with me as i struggle with this ...

Colin Sng

what a time to recall.....

2007-04-03T12:33:00.000+08:00

it has been so long that i came in to blog.. n what i did was to just read through all the blgs that have been posted.. so what have i been doing.... now i am in the admist of studying my physics to do an online assignment that is due on wed.. guess what josh said to me it is so easy n i thought so then i decided to attempt n read thro the text n i realised that it is not as easy as he describes.. i am struggling to understand it... now i am in a state where i am so fearful that i cant clear this module and my other modules are piling up too.. so where is God in all these.. pple keep telling me stop studying n put God in persepctive in my studies n trust.. the first instant question that came to my mind was that if i have spent so much time to study then why am i still blur in my work .. why am i still so lost n helpless.. the pt is that i feel that i have not spent enough time in my work. . .so what is enough? i cant ans that too.. by my definition... prob that i understand what i am learing... i dont know.. i am drowning in my work.. alot of stress..

so how has lent so far for me in all these struggles... hahha i dont know.. joshua asked me this question " am i doing all these chucrh work out of love for God?" my ans to him was "out of responsibilities" ... i feel that it was something that has kept me sane as what i shared with melt...it is so hard to put God in persepctive... i cant see GOd in my work.... exmas are like round the corner n i am still trying to understand my work.. i am still clinging on to the hope that God will guide me thro... i have also this fear that he will fail all my modules as i have not put him first in my life n how i think i am greater than him.. what a off realisation... hmm...

however, i amlooking forward for thur .. . fri.. sat . .sun,... even today n tomorrow... i am so excited to journey thro this holy week.. this yr it has been one filled with excitement. i hope that i can exp God in the most intimate manner.. how he will n change my persepective of him.. finally... i can say that i have kept to my resolution that i will not fall into the "worst" sin that i have been committing all these while.. the sin that i hate it when i have to run for confession n hate it when i repeat it over n over agin.. the struggle to be pure... praise God that he has given me the grace to overcome it..

the other consolation that i can say is the new responsibility that he has given me.. to be a godpa to another brother .. i think it is indeed a great joy n great experience for me.... whenever i act or do something.. at the back of my mind i always ask myself.. hey are you doing the right thing.. are you suppose to act in this way... the challenge my godson posts to me is really challenging n it beings me to a new height n exp with God.. but i failed terribly very often when i preached the things to him and to those whom i meet, i find it very hard to live by it... it is a super struggle.... but i guess God's grace is sufficient for me...

" We fall down, we lay our crowns.. at the feet of Jesus......"

Thoughts of being a core member is one that is filled with anxiety, fear n uncertainty.. enlightenment?? hahah not yet... maybe this is a call for me to relook into my r/s with God and where i stand as a child of God.. someone said to me with a very good intention n i think it is a good time for me to reflect on it too... " .. . . . .. . i am no where there, like i was before with God . . .. .. " hey i am not taking it negatively.. all comments to me are all taken positively.. so no worries man.. hahahhaha . . . . .. .

hmm... back to my studies now.. God i ask of u to grant me a mind of understanding a mind filled with peace, love n joy......... another 1 hrs time i will have to go for my lecture aleady..

lets walk towards calvary n rise with him on easter...

KeNnY

Beware, everyone! The devil is lurking around. Step up in prayer!

2007-04-02T20:05:00.000+08:00

hey people, i'm so encouraged and uplifted when i come into all our 3 blogs and reading how everyone is trying to seek God. i had a not-so-good day in school. was so discouraged and disappointed that my own form class did so badly for their test and are not motivated at all to study. sigh... i feel helpless and inadequate. am at a loss how to help them. am i suppose to push them further or to accept them the way they are? on the way home (i walk home sometimes and it's good reflection time for me), i thought about how Jesus said He came for the sick, not the healthy and was reminded again how perhaps i am sent to the sick too, not the healthy. and i thought about how God must surely have much greater love for them than i have for, and surely then God must have His plans for them, then in which of the students' lives do i fit into that plan? perhaps i'm not listening hard enough to the Spirit's guidance, or perhaps i'm just meant to accept and endure everything now and God will show me why later on. surely i can't be a superman to all of them, to save all their lives? it's hard trying to think positive on my own, but i was so encouraged to "see" everyone sharing in the blogs too.

heard some of the other teachers complaining about their students too. guess i'm not the only one having a hard time with my students. i only pray that God sanctifies my every word and action, and that perhaps i should be more focused on the positive side of things. realized how easily i become discouraged and disappointed nowadays, the devil must be lurking around. i must not give in. i must continue to ask for the grace and strength to persevere and stand firm.

at least there's something to be happy about. one of my naughty students on suspension passed his science test, think he was very surprised and happy. praise GOd for allowing me to reach out to him.

eeever-lynn

(Sorry ... don't know what title"

2007-04-01T19:10:00.000+08:00

Hi Friends,

It's always the weekend that there's so much for me to share and to start my week with. There is really so much thought and i guess it's really because of my free time for reflection especially on Saturday.

Well, this morning I had a very bad tiff with my Uncle, Kenny's father and of course, my dearest mother was involved. I was so affected by it the whole day .. thank Jesus for giving me the grace to persevere in Church and not allowing it to affect the ministry that God has called me into. With regards to ministry, I will give more details later. For now, I will concentrate on my thoughts with regards to my relationship with my uncle. Well, it all started with some comments he made about me. He mentioned that i was so inefficient in getting things done when he asked me to help him. I felt insulted and accused because I have been moving here and there serving people and i felt not being appreciated. Moreover, with so much expectation from the family, I felt very pressured. Subconsciously, because of my great desire to please our Lord, I have been giving a lot of pressure to myself by doing the best as I could serve and to please him. Perhaps, our Lord did not even expect much from me, it just that i am expecting alot from myserlf. I was so affected by this event that I wrote a letter to God during Catechism (i'll explain more later). And this is what the Lord was trying to tell me in all this, and that He knows that I have been trying my best to serve Him and His people and He told me that I will just do my best and God will do the rest. And indeed, it was really liberating when I decided to make the decision to forgive my uncle and reconciled with him. That also include my discussion with my mother. I felt that it has made me realised that in through all this arguments, that God bring us closer together. It enable me to understand another person better. Praise be to God!!!

With regards to Catechism, I must really thank God for this wonderful bunch of Catechism students. Today, we tried something new ... relating to journaling. I actually encouraged them to write a letter to Jesus, sharing about an event that happened over the week. After which, they have been encouraged to write a letter back to themselves, with grace of the Holy Spirit, expecting a reply from Jesus. A number of them were touched by what happened... Moreover, a number of them shared openly and honestly what really touched them and to share what God is trying to tell them.

Next I would like to affirm the message that God brought to us in the begining of the year as to how he is goinng to move things in our Commmunity. I was once again being affirmed with the fact that God is a creative God, a God who made new things. As we celebrate a new beginnging and chapter of our Community, something that is really very new in our Community, especially after 7 - 8 years of living Community life that we finally have a Core Team to lead the Community more and more towards Jesus Christ.

Isaiah 43:18 - 19

"Remember not the events of the past, the things of long ago consider not;
See, I am doing something new! Now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?"

Thanks.

With Love,
YOur brother in Christ,
Colin Sng

If not for His grace, I guess I would have this mentality that says ... "I don't feel like doing it" mentality. In any case, God is really Good is helping me through. First with my catechism class .. i am really so proud of them .. they really have grown so much in their faith journey. They are beginning to take ownwership of their faith.

Thanks.

With Love,
Your brother in Christ,
Colin Sng

Birthday Sharing

2007-03-31T23:46:00.000+08:00

Hi Friends,

Just before it turned 1st April 2007, I would like to take this opportunity to thank all of you for celebrating my birthday today... and thank Constance for writing such beautiful poem for me ... that really reminds me of my 21st Birthday four years ago when Evelyn composed a song for me ...

I would like to use this opportunity to share some of my deepest thoughts that went through my mind over the last two years and i would like to be open and honest about it.

In any case, though i am 25 today about 12 hours ago (btw, i am born at 1155 am) i have come to be more convinced that i am really still young though, after looking back on my 25 years of my life, going through so much ups and downs, i realise that there is so much ahead of us ... read on of my blogs about being 25 ... This is especially so whenever i go for men to men session, i felt so young among them.

In anyway, birtday for me is something very special and this is especially so for this year as i recall the gift of life. The fact that i live today is completely and totally God's grace. I remembered once telling my father that i might not live long because of my condition. In fact, I remembered even my doctor telling me that if i don't do anything about my condition... i will just snap... and go .. There was even a particular point in my life when i had to discern whether it would be appropriate for me to even go for my operation. I was going through so much fear at that point in time ... it was haunting me very badly and moreover, thinking that i would die if i were to go for the op.

Anyway ... thanks for listenig ... take care and God bless!!

With Love,
Your brother in Christ,
Colin Sng

fools!

2007-03-31T10:10:00.000+08:00

i just visited the last cell blog and i was really happy reading it this saturday morning. keep it up guys! =)

so last night, there we were in this noisy little macs in gardens, talking, sharing, praying, and i thought, we must have looked like fools! but then i also thought, wow, how beautiful this is!

a few days ago, 2 people told me the same thing in less than 24 hours. as i read/listened to what they had to say, i realised, it's hard to understand, yes it is. we, humans, are so small and insignificant and yet we believe that this big, almighty god loved us so much he gave us his son. how silly we are to think that god could become human. look at how huge this universe is. surely, you can't believe that...? this man called jesus, it's hard to believe that he's nothing more than just a man, a man who came to stir trouble, a man who "started some organisation"...and yet, we believe he still lives, we encounter him daily, we worship him with our lives (or try to). and again, i felt, how foolish the world thinks we are, we who cannot prove the existence of this god (or can't we?). and yet, as joshua said last night, therein lies the beauty of it all.

faith is a mysterious thing. does god need our prayers? no. does god need US? no. but god chooses us, creates us, loves us. our home is in god. yes, he is the potter of the entire universe and his fingerprints are imprinted everywhere, and our hearts are no exception. it takes more than a few well-thought out arguments to be as "foolish" as we are. or maybe less. but this is the only thing that makes sense to our hearts. that we come from god, we live for god and we go back to god.

i quote melt who quoted a woman in the oprah winfrey show (i admit i like watching it too, melt, haha).

'We are not human beings in a spiritual experience; We are spiritual beings in a human experience.'

-shireen the fool

To challenge, only with love and compassion

2007-03-31T09:59:00.000+08:00

hey cellies (haha i saw melch using this word to address everyone, and i thot it's quite a cute way to call everyone, so i'm using it too)

first to melch: i know how you feel about being judged about going out on friday nites to drink and party and i'm sorry you feel that way, really. but if there's no one to tell you yet, let me be the first. that i really appreciate the fact that you make an effort not to have a dual life inside and outside of community, honesty and truthfulness never fails, and i'm glad you chose to stick by it no matter what people say. and i think i really see the conversion and transformation in you in your desire for God and for holiness. most important of all, i hope you will continue to believe in the love and acceptance of the community for you, cos that was what community was set out for.

to all others, perhaps we were struck by what johnathan said about challenging each other. and i agree with him, perhaps it is time we step up more in challenging one another. however i hope we will not become arrogant when challenging, becos there is a loving and right way of being challenging and there is an arrogant and condemning way to do that, we MUST be careful to deliver our message of challenge lovingly, for the good of that person, not just for the sake of challenging, because challenging for the sake of perfecting the other without compassion, can be destructive. also as we challenge, we have to be consistently loving, not a one-off harsh telling-off. becos only consistent, patient and persevering true love and compassion can change the heart of the one in need of the challenge. and the person in need of that challenge can tell the difference.

and mel i can relate to you too when you said you were thinking of leaving, but ultimately it's not about OUR choices but always about God's choice and decision. and haha i was already thinking of taking a step back from comm since my sister's confirmation (i told myself that would be the last project that i'll do for MSC), but somehow, God just keeps saying to go on and on and on.... and what u said was good reminder for me.

now for my sharing. talking about honesty. it's hard, really hard. for me, the great struggle is in my relationship. it is the place where i give the greatest yet fall the hardest. esp with a partner who has no clue what Christian chastity is, you can imagine i'm trying to do the impossible task of convincing and living up to it. and of course, more often than not, i fail. and like what Fr Gerard say, we can soon lose the sense of sin when everything becomes relative. so if everyone has the deepest darkest corner of their heart that they cannot give to God, mine will be this corner. i used to get into a lot of stressful and tormentous arguments becos of this, trying to be the perfect pharisee, but now i've grown tired of fighting it with my own efforts, and have slowly turned to God for grace and strength. now i'm just trying to surrender. this is one area of my life that i never dared shared, but perhaps we are all called to put our nets further out into the deep. and perhaps i seek to be freed from this slavery of the need to hide this part about myself.

ever-lynn

happy birthday colin!

2007-03-31T01:47:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

COLIN!!!!!!!! (:

Don't worry about that extra line
That's creeping up upon your face
It's just a part of nature's way to say
you've grown a little more
Trees have rings and thicker branches
Kids shoes get a little tighter
Every year we're getting closer
to who we're gonna be
It's time to celebrate the story
of how you've come to be

Happy Birthday, my friend
Here's to all the years we've shared together
All the fun we've had
You're such a blessing
Such a joy in my life
May the good Lord bless you
And may all your dreams come true

So light a candle on your cake
For every smile you've helped create
For every heart and every soul
you've helped to grow A little more
A few more pounds, a little more grey
Don't count the years, just count the way
It takes a little time to go from water into wine
Don't ever lose the wonder
of that child within your eyes

--

2007-03-31T01:19:00.000+08:00

you know what?

i can totally relate to what steven has just shared.. i wouldnt call them lies though, but excuses i make just so i can leave session earlier, not go for session at all etc.. even for tmr's gathering at melch's house. i cant make it for the gathering cos im going to the airport to welcome my mum home. sometimes i wonder if this is God's plan for me to be ard more for my family or is this yet another convenient excuse i use just to avoid having to go for gathering.

dance have been quite good for me. but sometimes again i wonder if im just using dance as an excuse not to go for sharings.. etc. dun get me wrong, i like going for dance and am enjoying it. but i feel abit 'slacker' in terms of commitment towards msc. ever since i shared in the email months ago, i feel that people would just accept my reason for dance or school work more casually than before. in a sense i feel less stressed, cos i know with dance i wun be able to commit as much time as before, all those meetings, prayer times during the weekdays i wun be able to attend.. but i dunno if this is good. im feeling more and more out of touch with the comm.

i remember telling myself, and a sister who journeyed with me during the tough times when i made the decision, that i would compensate the time not spent with the community by sharing my reflections and thoughts through emails and whatever. it's kinda realised now, thank god for the blog..

ok, i think my post was quite incoherent. im just back from dance.. tired. but yea, got inspired by the posts and decided to blog too. haha.

oh!!! and guess what!!?! timothy swee's sister,trina, is in my dance group too!! and i just realised that she looked familiar only when we were asking around who was staying where so that we could go home together!! so another guy, trina and i came back together and that guy has a twin brother who is studying at the singapore bible college to become a pastor! and we were talking about calling. so ya, it was a point for reflection today.. what is God's call for me now?

can't think of a title

2007-03-30T13:04:00.000+08:00

Ok, for once i am going to be 100% truthful

I am going thru a tough phase in my life now. At the same time, i will say i have never felt happier studying, because books are a getaway from all the pressure and 'belittlement' i am having now.

This lent has been a challenging one for me. Even as it draws to a close, i have yet to do what i promise to do during the start of Lent- that is to stop pretending

I hate it when i pretend to ppl at my school, telling lies so that i can get things to be done the way i want.My reason for it is because everyone does it too, if i don't do it, i will have to fit in other people's time which is really straining. ( i am sure all of u who have many grp projects will understand) . so i lie.

then sometimes Hall stuff get too taxing for me.. esp durin competition seasons and events, i will lie again! and it becomes an everyday thing.

MSC to me, was just like many of us have reliterated now and then, it is a place where i don't have to pretend, it is a place where i know i won't be judged.

However as i journey with the community longer and longer, I feel pressured. I feel belittled... sometimes i really wonder if it is worth it.

I have been trying to get back on my bike these couple of mths. this yr being SEA games yr,the team needs me. perhaps its out of responsibilty which catalyse me to start training again. but after so many hard trg with memories inching back into me, i realise i will not be 'me' if i stop cycling altogether. It hurts me when ppl in the community tell me not to cycle, not to go training, because serving god is more impt, i have to go for cell grp which is more impt, retreat comes first..

so i started to pretend. somehow telling the community that i have an exam next week, a project to rush is a more valid reason than training. But i knew from the start that once i start this habit, i can lie about everything else. and i really feel the damage, because i don't get anything out of sharing any longer, reason being i haven't been truthful, i felt that i have short changed the rest of you, end of the day, i am the one at the losing end.

i feel belittled at times as my ways always don't seem to be accepted, and some people seems like they always know the right way. and i am quite sure just just as some of you are reading this post right now, you will feel that " he is young, he is going thru a phase *I* have been thru b4"

The * at I was placed on purpose - the emphasis on it was deliberate. I really wanna ask," how can you be so sure that what you do is right? how can you be so sure that you know what i have been going thru? how can you be so sure that you know the whole community inside out for that matter?" If the human mind is so easy to be read by anyone else, there won't be this beautiful thing called distinct identity the lord has placed in each of us.

the steven you see in the community is really not the same person u see when i am with my other friends. i feel pressured to live a certian life style which i am not convinced of. Don't get me wrong, The lord has done many miracles in my life and he is always first, but i really have qualms about placing community before anything else other than our lord. At times i feel it is more like a social club where there are 2 kinds of people- one, ppl who have placed their whole life with god, 'choose' to have no hobbies no close outside friends, and thus want to feel a sense of security, want to feel affirmed by the community, two- ppl who place their whole life with god, don't wanna be there at time because sometimes,you just want to be alone, cos sharing is just like speaking with other friends who seem to be closer to you.'

If community living and serving god has really made you an empowered person, why do you still have emotional ups and downs? why do you need the emotional affection of someone, why do you have to be childish and let the certain someone you have issues with feel your pain, when you will give less suffering to the person just by telling him what is wrong. being with the community so long, this is how issues are solved? Is it wrong for someone to be indifferent? who are you to judge in the first place.

'I am so convinced that community is the way of life.'

every morning i pray for god's grace, for me to be more discern, for me to exp the community way of life. but at the same time, i preserve my views, don't wanna share deep details about things in my life because of the fear of judgement.

It is really hard, this desert of faith i am walking thru, when I feel confused at the end of it all. When sometimes i just want to learn more about God alone

So this is the real me, '100% free from lies; sharing... sorry if it wasn't one you were hoping that it will perk up your day.

It is times like this that i rather bury my head in the books. somehow even statistics is a good getaway from this pretentious life.

steven

His Love will Lead the Way

2007-03-29T23:20:00.000+08:00

hello cellies,

Wow, the blog really has grown in sharings! I have to affirm everyone who has been posting because it really allows me to see how the Lord is real in your lives. I have been procrastinating posting because i have been busy and also i am allergic to blogs because i dont really like to journal. However i remember at the last retreat i told myself i should journal to keep track of my spiritual ups and downs and i guess this is a way to start.

If i had to classify my spiritual life right now, well its almost non-existent. I struggle even to pray daily for 10 mins and i must admit i didnt say the 1 our Father, 3 Hail Marys and 1 Glory Be for about 3 days out of the week so far because at 10pm i always seem to be at work still rushing out work to send before the next day.

I have been seriously reflecting when Jonathan shared about community living on Sunday about challenging each other and giving each other to question each other. I realized that im not ready for community living. In fact now, im questioning whether i am even called to community.

Now that im working, coming on Sundays is a big sacrifice because my brother only gets home on saturdays and my whole family only gets to eat 1 meal together a week. So Sundays spent with MSC means a lot of sacrifice of family time.

However what keeps me coming to community is the reason why i first came. I remember when i first came to MSC (then YW) i felt really happy that there were people who loved God as much as I did and were not afraid to show how much they loved Him whether it was in Praise and Worship or thanking Him in their sharings. I felt i didnt have to pretend to be someone else and still be accepted no matter how broken or sinful i was.

And thats what keeps me coming on Sundays. For once i dont have to pretend like i have to at work sometimes and i can just come to a place to praise God freely and be with people who accept me for who i am.

I guess thats why Jonathan's sharing scared me. I felt like all the questioning and challenging was so Judgmental. I know i would fail in many ways. And i know people always make sarcastic remarks about the way i spend money or how i go out drinking. I feel persecuted. unworthy and useless being in community sometimes because everyone thinks all im good for is spending money, i am materialistic, and some kind of party animal. It is very discouraging and honestly on more than one occassion last year i really wanted to just walk away because im seen as not a good "community member".

I shared once with some community members that i know people frown upon my lifestyle that i go out on Friday nights after work to drink with friends and apparently im some kind of party animal. However, i am not going to lie about it or pretend in front of the community that i do not engage in such activities. In fact for the record i ONLY go out on friday nights and never Saturday nights because of sessions on sundays. Most of the time i dont drink like 100 drinks and i drink very little because i have to drive. And i do enjoy my Friday nights catching up with friends and just relaxing with them.

Also, the person you see in community is the same person my friends outside see. I dont become more havoc or materialistic when im with them, im just the same Mel. My friends outside know my principles and they know where i stand and they respect that. And what hurts me sometimes is how in Community we have to "pretend" we dont have outside lives or we dont do certain things but in fact we do but we choose to hide it so as to not "contaminate" others in community. I strongly believe in consistency and i dont wear many masks. The person you see is the same person everyone else around me sees.

However, I will continue to pray (although i need to work on the prayer part too) and i remembered what Jason Lin shared with me when he called me one night. I was really struggling to make a decision and i kept listing down all the reasons and Jason just said "when will you ever realize its not about the choices you want ! Its NEVER about the choices you want to make in your life. Its about the choices He wants to make for you."

And i guess thats why im still in MSC and not somewhere else and its about His choice, not mine at all. And i think the only reason ive even come this far is solely by Grace because i know my human will would have failed me long ago.

God Bless,

Melch

so blessed i cant contain it...!

2007-03-29T19:05:00.000+08:00

URGG! growl.. my internet connection decided to disconnect itself as i was publishing my post and so i have to retype this entry! rarr.

i was saying.. basic is quite cool!! haha.

just had a horribly horrible long week. 3 tests 1 presentation. and the worst of the week is over! (: finally.

today's the happiest day of the week so far.. this morn i received a msg from a brother in this community, just to catch up cos i haven talked to him in such a long time. so i was updating him on sch and whats going on in my life. and so you can imagine the 'stressed, very busy...' usual stuff. very sian right. but his reply was so full of joy and i could almost feel the sms radiating positive energy! haha. i can really tell this was only possible cos he puts his trust in God to lead him in every aspect of life. and it was really inspiring to hear how God was working in His life, and at that moment i realise that God was probably working in mine too, just that i wasnt paying attention to it since everyday is just like another stressful day. that simple gesture of just an sms was really an invitation from God to 'come away' from all those work i so often think of. so i prayed at that moment that He would help me be more aware of His presence in life today.

that prayer was probably the reason for the blessed assurance i felt though i was so super unprepared for today's test, and presentation. our tutor sprang a new drug prescription on my group and we had to come up and present a role play during the tutorial. but i survived. haha. and didnt even feel stressed. haa. u all know how nervous and stressed i can get whenever i have to talk in front of a large grp of people la. but she didnt even choose me to be the 'main pharmacist' for the role play so i was quite safe. just helped my group along. (:

also, really wanna thank God for my dad. he's the best dad anyone could ever have la. this morn he saw me studying and he bought macs breakfast for me. then he just brought me a drink and fruits. and im just in the room slacking and typing this! he serve me fruits after cutting them! and he does that everyday. really treats all of us like princesses la. and he always so sweet, doesnt scold and is not bad tempered, ALWAYS in a cartoon mode. he's highly amusing la! he created a folder on my laptop for his files and named it 'willy winky'! HAHA. he's probably one of the very very rare species of daddies. cos he tells me 'i love you too.' when i tell him that i love him.

i know im very very blessed. (:

looking back, i realise things that happened today was quite normal, but the feeling is different. if u know what im trying to say. its just like how sometimes the most common thing can make you awed and inspired. yup. for me, today was like that. (:

hope you all had a blessed day too!

Jesus Answers our Prayers!!! Pray Pray Pray ..

2007-03-28T08:24:00.000+08:00

Dearest BASIC (Brothers And Sisters In Christ),

Firstly, I would like to thank Joshua for sharing with us about the BASIC ... something that is so unique and cool ... thank God for giving such wisdom to the young ones (the latest Youth Community who call themselves ... BASIC).

Oh ya ... BAISC .. please start blogging ... really miss hearing from all of you .. short or long ... at least say something in your blog man .. hahah

Anyway, I have been really really overwhelmed ... super overwhelmed by the short little time i have with the Lord each morning especially with my new office setting. The key word is 'Listening' Prayer .. and indeed I have received so much formation from the Lord Himself ... Praise be to God!!!

Well, let me share with you some of the things that has been happening over the past two days. I guess the Lord is really speaking powerfully not only to our Community but also the to people of the Archdiocesan of Singapore ... particularly to the Youths and Young Adults. I felt there are so much revival that has been taking place.. Every corner of the City of Singapore, God is raising leaders, sons and daughters, men and woman of great dreams and vision for His Kingdom. As what Jude was sharing last night, people must dare to dream and as what Prophet Joel (Acts 2:17 - 21) would put:

" 'It will come to pass in the last days,' God says, "that I will pour out a portion of my spirit upon all flesh. Yours sons and daughters shall prophesy, your young men shall see visions, your old men shall dream dreams. Indeed, upon my servants and my handmaids, I will pour out a portion of my spirit in those days, and they will prophesy. And I will work wonders in the heavens above and signs on the earth below: blood, fire, and a cloud of smok. The sun shall be turned to darkness, and the moon to blood, before the coming of the great and splendid day of the Lord, and it shall be that everyone shall be saved who call on the name of the Lord."

Anyway, let me go back to my original topic ... prayer. Well, I have been so overwhelmed over the past 1.5 months or so by so many things about prayer. Every corner of my life, people are speaking and sharing about prayer.

First - in the men's group (for 1 month plus), Edywn has giving sessions on prayer particularly listening prayer. Even during cell group meeting, our cell leader also let us experience lectio divnia and using the gift of prophecy. Just last night, Father Eugene Vaz spoke about the importance of prayer for disciples of Christ has to be Man and Woman of Prayer. In fact, the first part of his class was God answering our prayers .. and he did he does but most of the time He does not answer the way we wanted and He usually packaged it differently. All we need is to have the faith that our Loving and Perfect Father will answer us... For those who have not gone for last night session, reflect and read Luke 12:38 - 11:13 ... the whole entire thing is about prayer. Besides that, even during my prayer time yesterday morning, I had sense the Lord telling me that we need to spend more and more time together in Prayer as a Community to pray for the nominees (and the leaders of the Church) and we should not be afraid to be His Servant if He calls any of us to do so.

With regards to my prayer, welll, I was praying e morning and be silent and trying to be patient to wait upon the Lord to speak to me. I asked two questions (I will only share with you one question - too much to continue with the next) and he answered me ... first, I asked me what do you want me to do today? The word that flashes upon me was 'spiritual warfare'. That we should be, as what St. Paul writes to the Ephesians: (Ephesians 6:10 - 17):

"Finally, draw your strength from the Lord and from his mighty power. Put on the armor of God so that you may be able to stand firm against the tactics of the devil. For our struggle is not with the flesh and blood but with the principalities, with the powers, with the world rulers of this present darkness, with evil spirits in the heavens. Therefore, put on the armor of God, that you may be able to resist on the evil day, and having done everything, to hold your ground. So stand fast with your loins girded in truth, clothed with righteousness as a breastplate, and your feet shod in readiness for the gospel of peace. In all circumstances, hold faith as a shield, to quench all [the] flaming arrows of the evil one. And take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God."

I felt the Lord was telling me to share wtih all of you all that we need to pray for core team and we should continously pray for strength from the Lord. That we should let the evil one to take control of your decision making but only by the Spirit of God Himself ...

So BASIC, let us continue to pray ... pray for the leaders of the Church ..

Colin Sng

Be Still and Know that I am Your Lord of Your Life...

2007-03-26T12:25:00.000+08:00

Hi Friends,

Be prepared for a super super long blog i am about to share and these are some of the many thoughts and reflections i had over the weekend and including some interesting experiences. ... Are you ready?

Well, I kinda of missed out something which i felt was very important for me to share. Last Monday, during the Men's Cell Group Meeting, we had a Priest from India, Fr Aloysious. He preached something about prayer. And it's so ironic that last night, Terence K., was sharing something that was supposed to be practised in our Community but we did not persevere enough to practise them. In one of our AGM, about two years ago, we did mention that we are going to spend at least 15 minutes each day to pray .. but have we done so as a Community, during our own private time? Well, I must really thank God, through Fr. Aloysius, I was once again reminded to spend some time in prayer. And I have to admit that if not for my medication, I would not be have been able to wake up early .. as early as 5.30 a.m. automatically, every morning to spend at least just 5 - 10 minutes to pray. When I say pray, I meant silent time in the darkness (i prefer to be in the darkness anyway) ... trying my best not to talk to God but be still in the presence of God - to myself to 'soak' in His Graces and His Love.

I did this for the whole entire week except for Saturday morning. I was asking myself what is happening to me .. I seemed to be so larthargic (hope i have spelt correctly), lazy etc not motivated to leave the house or do anything ... i was lazing throughout the day. As i was reflecting, I came to realise that i was not spending that short period of time with God... not at all.

I must also thank God for giving me so much privacy with my new office setting. (oh yes, with my favorite picture of Jesus ... it makes a lot of difference for me too.) With my new office setting, I am given so opportunity to pray in the morning before i began my work each day and it has been very helpful. It is so conducive to pray and I am able to turn on some praise and worship song ... very softly la. One of the things i asked of the Lord each morning is to give me the strength to pull through the day though it may be difficult, tiring and at times stressful.

Take for instance this morning, I must say that yesterday 5th Sunday of Lent First Reading was really great. I needed to hear those words as i was struggling quite badly this morning with so much negative inner voices which I know it couldn't be from God. The voices of my past sins, mistakes etc was haunting me very badly. It affected me quite badly as I was struggling about my inadequacy and unworthiness in my service and ministry with the Lord. It haunted me so badly that i nearly break down. But the Mercy of God penetrated my heart this morning when i was inspired to read yesterday 1st reading ... (Isaiah 43:18-19)

"Remember not the events of the past, the things of long ago consider not; See, I am doing something new! Not it springs forth, do you not perceive it?"

This morning, as I was flipping my bible to Isaiah 43, I was also turning on my CD not knowing what the first music was. The CD was actually burnt by Marcus Foo a few years back so there was no title on it; just numbers... little did i know that it was the song Isaiah 43 ... it literally opened my eyes once again to experience the Presence of Jesus being with me despite my struggles of the negative inner voices. I felt that Jesus was speaking to me and affirming me not to fear for He is the Lord of my life. At that point in time, I was staring very closely upon Jesus ... contemplating upon His Loving Face. Praise be to God!!!

On top of that, God spoke to me once again through the Good News Reflection for today... to tell me not to fear but to be courageous ...

So let us encourage each other to pray each morning ... to spend time with God each day of our lives.

Colin Sng

2007-03-24T21:23:00.000+08:00

Hello ppl.

Haven't shared for a long time

i am so guilty!!!

anyway on a serious note since everyone is sharing bout his/her quarter life crisis

I guess this is the period of our lives whereby many of us start asking ourselves what we really want out of life.

I read an article bout a man by name of Aaron Chan who just came back from Afghanistan, he was thr for 6 mths. I was touched by his story the pictures which came with it.
Afghanistan- a place everyone portrays with terrorism, a place no one will ever think of going. but in reality it is actually as humane as the rest of the world.

And in another part of the world, there are people who do not even have money to buy water. Even though they are from the 3rd world economy, GDP much lower than ours, they pay more as compared to many developed nations like singapore for 1 L of water.

And in Palestine itself, the ppl's fate, are decided by the Isrealis who were supposedly the victims of the war! freedom? ability to move ard as they move? nth of such...

These real life articles really tug on my heart strings.

one of the reason why i didn't believe in god when i was younger was cos, of this basic fundamental, if there was a god, why are thr still sufferings... why are

But i learned that it is thru sufferings which bring us closer to god... and i see truth in it. when i read about heart warming stories like the ones above, peopel speak of love, of compassion, it just touches u.... u feel a peace within.

A mth ago.. when i melt up with my team mates for supper... they asked me if god has really changed my life for the better. their reason being that ever since i decided to spend more time to know god... i became more emotional and have been experiencing frequent uncalled for mood swings.

i really wonder...

God has answered many questions i have been pondering about the past 21 yrs... at same time many many more doors of queries were opened. these new doors shook my foundation on who i am? what is my purpose in life... many questions which i thought i have long answered b4 my peers. As i know our lord more and more, i started to feel more and more ordinary, i felt like a common man just passing the days. For 1st time in my life i do not have any vision,didn't have this drive to succeed anymore.." wat i wanna be when i grow up, an auditor loh what else" this ans to myself now is so unsatisfying...cos i had so many ambitions b4 i knew god. but i just don't believe in those ambitions any longer.

why? cos i admit that i was building these ambitions on the wrong rock.
and some things have gotta go..

it is hard... trying to move away from crowds, hoping to escape the question of " what u really want to be when u graduate?" cos right now... i really have no idea

i am actually amazed how i put my faith in our lord even though i only know him for this short period of time.

Sometimes i am afraid... really wonder if all these is worth it... it is something i may never know.

But i guess the beauty of it all which adds sparks to the little flame in me is the comfort he gives me when i read and learn bout people's suffering.

reading up about the 3rd world nations, histories of nations, today's conflicts has always been my interest. But there were so many things i don't understand
recently, i developed a deeper appreciation of the situation, and my reflection after every new finding was no more about fueling the burning desire to be someone who will change the world one day, but it is more of so what am i going to do to make a difference to the world today.

when i humble myself, indulge in serenity, i start to appreciate every moment which pass better. It gives me a greater understanding to the phase i live by during my teenage years" cape diem"
-live life as if its your last... cos i finally understand the beauty of it all... to celebrate, enjoy when i am with friends... to thank lord for the quiet ME time i have.

fast life, working to the top, cute chicks, days of social butterfly is now taken over by church, books and maybe just a bit of social life. am i enjoying it? hmm i will be lying if i say yes, if i say no it will not put a good ending to my sharing right :)

lets just say that i am awed by so many mysteries in life left unraveled and so many books and history left untouched. It is amazing how many things we are doing now are all gifts we sometimes take for granted

PS: lets start saving up on water! don't brush your teeth with the tap left running
use less water when bathinG!!!

HA!@

steven
And it is something i am in control of it all, with a direct line of help.

Still a long long way for all of us ... Purpose Driven Life ..

2007-03-24T18:18:00.000+08:00

Hi Friends,

Constance: Thanks for sharing with on the korean video clip ... it's really a long time since i last watch tat and i was actually being introduced by Janice haha. Anyway, I am glad tat you are sharing this with us again... and I am glad i had the opportunity to watch this again.

When i woke up this morning, i realised that it's saturday , a day which i drag (sometimes) and sometimes, i look forward to, a time for me to take a break from work. Why drag? Well, I struggled with loneliness everytime it comes to saturday and each time i read it and i am really wondering when God is going to answer my prayer or is going to answer my prayer ... I just wish i have a companion in my life to journey with deeply particularly in my faith. But as i was watching that video clip i am reminded once again tat my journey cannot be dependent on the people but Christ alone .. but it is really so difficult. It is made difficult everytime when it comes to Saturday hence, it is something that i drag alot. My life seemed to be quite dull and boring .. life seemed to be filled with ministries, meetings, work and home .. is this wat life all about ...

It then occured to me lately that I am only 25 years old ... can you imagine those who in their 50s ... that's another more than 25 years. Personally, 25 years is already quite long for most of us .. so can we imagine we so much more to live, even among those in their 50s (for most of our parents) who has another generation above them (our grandparents) ... that's another 25 years or more.. so we are indeed very young .. and our journey is not going to be easy man .. there's so much to live for and we really don't know when we are going back to see our Lord again ... (i used the word again simply because i believe that each and everyone of us here have seen the Lord but we kinda of forget about him - hence that's why we cry when we are born .. hahah - just kidding) In any case, i really wonder when are we going to see the Lord again ... it such a long and tiring journey. I came to realise this especially after my major operation last year ...

So Lord ... teach us to be patient with you and to trust that you are leading us to the most Perfect Plan of yours.

Oh ya, remember what i shared with you guys yesterday about this guy who passed away not too long ago. It was later that evening i completed his autobiography when i was on my way back home. When i first read his name, I realised tat his name is actually very familiar but could not put a finger onto it. It was later when i was completing his story then did i remembered that he was the guy who came out with the invention of conducting polymer (ini layman term, it's plastics that conduct electricity) whilst working with one of the Japanese chemist. In fact, my former research laboratory is working on such polymers. In any case, what dawned upon me was about our purpose driven life. That each and everyone of us, if we were to really work hard to know what's God's Mission and purpose for us, we would also like him know our purpose or rather acting on the purpose itself.

Having been read his story, it dawned upon me that we have such a long way more to our purpose .. if we actually read a number of autobiographes, each story is unique and eachof them has their own unique purpose . And i guess, probably around our age group, God is actually forming us to prepare us for that purpose that we are not even aware of.

So are we living our lives to the fullest so that we could live up to that purpose that God has entrusted us with great responsibilities .....

Colin Sng

lent?

2007-03-24T09:36:00.000+08:00

oh no.. another weekend is here again. and it just struck me that this sunday is the fifth sunday of lent! *faint*

lent has been the most ordinary period of the year. it has been monotonous and just very normal.. and i haven been putting extra hard effort to make it meaningful. and realising that lent is gonna be over even before i know it scares me. think this period has also been the most stressful period in my life. i have never felt so stressed over school work before and i have never been this busy before.. its madness. and its not gonna get any freer till after the 10th of april. and by then easter would be over.

praise God i have blogs to inspire me. i need to learn to put God in the center of all the things im doing. presently, he's been just a faraway person i dont even think of so often now. my daily night prayers have been reduced to just a sign of the cross and then i never ever finish them before i sleep. and attempts to go for morning mass keep failing! so i haven been for daily mass in a billion years!

just now while uploading photos, i found this pic, and it reminded me of the http://donghaeng.net video clip we watched quite a while back.. a touching clip on how God has given this boy a duty to show people the way to God and told him to be obedient and loyal wherever he went. he fell, cos the wind and the other distractions were too much for him to take, but still he picked himself up and tried again, holding on even more to the cross even in the toughest of all situations.

ok, i just watched it again and im very touched, awed and inspired. (: praise God for a wonderful start of the day!

oh and im gonna miss my mum! she's gone to china yesterday and wun be back till next sat. i dont remember having her so faraway before. haha. suddenly i feel like a little girl again, feeling insecure when my mum's not around me..

PHOTOS!! (:

2007-03-24T09:28:00.000+08:00

HELLO!! here are some photos from the amazing race sunday!! sorry took so long to upload! haha.

i am coming back to God again

2007-03-24T08:58:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was the best day of the whole entire year. first, cos school had sports day haha, i ran in the 8x50m event and came in 3rd! (there were only 4 teams! haha) but it was fun. really want to praise God for putting me into Bowen, even our own teachers are appreciative of the many things in school, like the discipline of the kids, the perfect balance between work and play, the staff support and teamwork and unity. how the school really exemplifies Christ's values even tho it is not catholic, but the spirit of the school is so evidently catholic, living out the values of Christ, like humility, helpfulness, care, unity, etc.

then rem i shared about how i struggled with sharing about God in my relationship, wow i'm amazed how God changes things around for me, how He truly provides for me. you see there's this self-help book that adrian has been reading, about how to stop worrying and how to start living life, it's one of those secular books that you'll find in any bookstore. he was quite inspired by it in the sense that when he applied what the book said, it really helped improve his life. it said things like how not to worry about the next day, how not to keep resentment, how to stay positive and so on. so it was like his 'bible'. and guess what the wonderful author actually put in verses from our catholic bible! i think he must have been surprised that the secular book actually advocated teachings from the bible. and we had a fruitful time taking and discussing about Christ's values in our lives and concrete situations in which we should apply these values. i'm so awed by God's wisdom in going such a round-about way to reach out to him. not that he's anywhere near the baptismal font, but now i've learnt that it's really more important to be nearer the peace and love of Christ in our lives.

and the issue about my relationship with my father. i am trying to pray for the courage to take a step closer to share more about myself and to ask more about him in our conversations. hope it will help gradually in deepening our relationship.

and i realized that i've been belittling the power and the significance and impact of prayer. how i've dismissed prayer as unimportant and unnecessary. how wrong i've been. so this lent, (my real first resolution) i hope to take prayer more seriously and to put more of my heart and soul into meaning what i pray and praying what i really mean inside.

it's been a fantastic wonderful end-of-the-week. Praise God. I love you Jesus and Father God.

eeever-lynn

What success is NOT ...

2007-03-23T12:15:00.000+08:00

Hey Friends,

Don't get the wrong idea ... it's my lunch break so I am not slacking ... in fact, I can't do much now because the people that i am looking for are all having their break now.

In any case, I was reading some articles about some Nobel Laureate (http://nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/). I was reading this particular guy, a Nobel prize winner in Chemistry in Year 2000, who died not too long ago, 7th February 2007 - Alan G. MacDiarmid. He actually quoted something that it kinda make a lot of sense to me lately especially now that I have been in the working force for nearly four years.

" Success is knowing that you have done your best and have exploited your God-given or gene-given abilities to the next maximum extent."

I realised that as long as I did my best in whatever I do, I am already a successful man. If we were to read all the many other autobiographies of those who are not successful in the worldly and secular sense, you would probably realised how blessed they are in their own unique way.

At this juncture, I would also like to draw an attention about humility. The lessons of humility is something that God has been teaching me lately. I have come to discover that people who are proud in themselves and forgetting that God is the one who has given them the knowledge, gifts, and ability to be where they are, that would lead them to pride. That's what pride is all about. It's so ironic that God has been sending me so many people in my life about humility. The fact that people who are arrogant and proud are actually insecure people, people who lack trust in themselves. I was awestruck by the fact that met this particular guy, Dr. Ramam. He was so humble that he came to approach me one day to introduce himself and share abit about himself. He was so approachable that I did not have much fear speaking to him. Little did I know later, after going back to NUS - Chemistry to meet former colleague of mine, Ms Wati, she mentioned to me who this person is. Dr. Ramam is one of the Cluster Manager, or simple put Head of Department for very big equipment (to put in lay man terms). When the Fusionpolis is set up, where all the seven A*STAR Research Institutes will be 'fused' together somewhere in Biopolis, He would be a very important person as most of the scientific equipment would be used in his department. I was really awestruck by his simplicity and humility. I learnt from this lesson that success has also nothing to do with your position or status but simplicity and humility.

Jesus, Himself have make it very clear to us that humility is a virtue that is very important in our lives. It is precisely in this following passage found in Matthew 11:29 that describes who He really is ...

"COme to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am meek and humble; and you will find rest for yourselves. For my yoke is easy, and my burden light".

If you study the Gospel of St. Matthew by Msgr Eugene Vaz, you would learnt that this particular passage is one of the most central message of the St. Matthew Gospel. The events before and after actually leads us to the central description of who Jesus really is. Hence, it shows that humility is a very important virture. But that does not meet we have to discount the rest of the virtues, and certainly love is the top priority as compared to the rest of the virtues that Christ teaches us.

Well, it's so ironic that it is in A*STAR - IMRE that God taught me so much about humility and at the same time showing me the difference between what dignity is and humility. Many times in our lives, we are not aware of it. So dear Lord Jesus, we would like to ask you teach us more about humility and what success really means.

Oh ya, just before i end off, I would like share something about 'distortion'. I realised that i have been so foolised in alot of sense. Deep inside me, I have great desire to be simple and precisely becasue of this desire, I sometimes see things in a very simplistic way and not able to see it in a different perspective as I am afraid that I might make some mistakes in my life. There are few things in my life which I felt that I have distorted ideas of ... take for instance, the word 'success', 'degree' ... to me, in the past, it is such a 'dirty' word. Even getting a degree is a dirty word for me .. can you believe it ... well, i have learnt and grew to accept that they are in fact gifts from God and getting a degree is a passport towards serving the bigger community out there. So long as we are doing it for the sake of pursuing a status I guess it should be fine. Ultimately, whatever we receive in life, we should be giving to those who does have ... isn't it .. why keep it to yourselves? I guess, with regards to success, it has some alot to do with Mother Teresa shared .. we are not called to be successful but to faithful .. well, i guess i have never fully understood what she meant but now, i have come to grasp it better, much better. Being successful is not wrong, but ultimately, we must always be conscious to know that we are doing it for the greater glory of God and that is to serve the society and community.

Anyway ... reading my super long messages ... hope i am not boring you guys ... enjoy your weekend and May God bless you in whatever you do ...

Colin Sng

go with the flow

2007-03-23T10:34:00.000+08:00

ola my fellow seedlings! it's shireen, but don't be too shocked...

i haven't really been blogging ANYWHERE for a while. but anyway, i'm in school now and it's 1035am. i actually took a cab down and reached here about 1020am and though i was late for my 10am meeting (which i am) BUT...

but noone else is here!!! either on their way or overslept or suddenly had "something important". faint faint faint. (!!!!!) haha here's what i'm trying to figure out. you see, i decided to take the 147 from a different busstop today which meant that i had to cross a road at a traffic light. and while i am waiting at the traffic light, i see a 147 stop at the busstop and as i'm crossing the road it leaves and i can't get it in time. (now if i had walked to the usual busstop i would have gotten it). so at 935am, i decided i should take a cab. while i stand there hailing a cab, THREE 147s (or is it four?) stop and go. and then i decide to change my position to get a cab and walk through the HDB carpark to get to the other main road and there coming towards me is an EMPTY cab (which was so weird cos it was just so hard to get a cab!!). now, this empty cab turned into a carpark lot so i thought it was parking...but it reversed out cos it was actually making a three-point turn to go out. (!!! again) by this time, i was wondering...should i just go home? what was god telling me?

why was it that everything i thought i needed and wanted was just infront of me and yet, not meant for me?

finally, i was waiting there when this big cab u-turned and stopped infront of me because the two sneaky people who both wanted to hail my cab were too slow (they appeared from nowhere lar!). apparently the cab driver had been at the coffeeshop on the opposite side of the road and had seen me there for the longest time...

anyway, i reached school and guess what? i was the only one from my group there!! the room was empty. and i was thinking, if i had taken one of those 147s which god had so generously provided (3 or 4 mind you) right infront of me, i would have also just reached school and saved money. if i had taken the first 147 which left the busstop while i was waiting at the traffic light, i would have been too early even though i was late.

this whole situation this morning was just so ironic. people sometimes use this word, suay (how do u spell it??). and i was thinking, i must have been one helluva suay person this morning. but then, is it really suay just cos everything was so near and yet so far and it seemed like i had wasted time and money? or was it that i was just not going with the flow of life? whose flow? to where? do you take the most obvious thing staring at you in the face? is the road less travelled always the way? maybe the road less travelled is sometimes less travelled because it really shouldn't be travelled on. do you know what i mean???

here's my train of thought:

1. god's will = the flow
2. god's will= for my joy and success
(jeremiah 29:11 => For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ")
3. to go against the flow = to go against God's will = to go against joy and success

well, this is my friday morning reflection. and i'll just end of with a prayer.

dear god,

sometimes, i am blind or stubborn and am unable to see your plans for me or to live according to your will. i pray that you teach me to be in tune with your will and live according to it no matter where i am or what the time of day is. teach me to abandon my reliance on the world, on emotions, on words, on intellect. teach me to place all my trust in you, to make all decisions firmly rooted in you. guide my hands, my feet, my heart, my mind so that they are all forever heading in your direction, drawing closer and closer to you. home is where the heart is, lord. you are my home and that is where i have always been, am and will be truly happy, that is where your will leads me. remove all barriers and blockages that deter me from flowing down this river that leads to you. thank you and praise you, father, for always waiting so patiently and lovingly for me to come home. thank you for running a hundred steps towards me for every 1 step which i slowly inch towards to you. thank you for the way you embrace me with the warmth and the light of your love. thank you for the abundant blessings you so generously pour out on me and the lessons you teach me each day through everything in life. lord, let me never be blind, let me not fall into those black-holes, but rather, i pray that i will always be thankful and joyful for you are here with me, loving me constantly. teach me to love you with all my heart, all my soul, all my mind, all my strength and teach me to love my neighbour as myself and to be a neighbour to those you have placed before me. i have so much to learn, lord. i am eager and i desire to let my heart be moulded after yours. come, lord, jesus, make me new, create in me a clean heart.

amen.

love,
shireen

Fear Not ... For I am with you always ..

2007-03-23T08:58:00.000+08:00

Dear Friends,

Well, it was so ironic that i was reading this daily Good News article ... time and time again, God speaks to me very much through this article. I first experienced this when i had some difficulty with someone in the Parish about two years back and the Lord keep encouraging me to persevere with many persecutions that i had to encounter in my life. Back then, i was even wondering whether that was a persecution... but in any case, that's not the point.

Today, i would like to share something about the article that i read and i guess one of my inner and deeper struggle in my life is fear. I seemed to be fearful in a lot of things as i lack the confidence in myself. But again, as each time I encounter any fears, I always remind myself of my favourite passage which is supposed to be one of the tablets that we have been asked in the community to take each day. This can be found in Romans 8:14 - 16:

"For those who are led by the Spirit of God are Children of God. For you did not receive a spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you received a spirit of adoption, through which we cry, "Abba, Father!" The Spirit itself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children ...."

Well, certainly taking such 'tablets' has been helpful for me and as i keep reminding myself that i am the beloved of the Heavenly and Perfect Father.

Perhaps, I should share why I am sharing this ... the story behind all this...Yesterday, I received a message from Roderick Thereseira, the new Overall Coordinator of the Catechtical Ministry. He was tight down with work so he could not make it for the PPC Ex-Co Meeting so he asked me to replaced him. I was struggling to say yes for two reasons. Firstly, I have not been going home early for the past few days as I was having meetings after meetings since Monday and especially now that my mother has started a new job which allow her to come back early... as early as 6 p.m. She always has been coming back late at about eleven .. (oh ya thank God that she found a job!!! And once again, God answered my prayers ... in fact, I had a tiff with her not too long ago suggesting to her to get a office hour job rather than doing sales but she was pretty upset with me for telling her what to do!!!) - so Praise be to God .. opps .. i am digressing again .. anyway, the second reason was because of how people would look at me or perceive me, because of my tactlessness ... often than not, I always have this impression that only tactful peope are called to be in the PPC Exco Meeting. What's more .. i have made so many mistakes to the Community and even at the Parish Level over the last 3 - 4 years as such, i always have this thinking that i should not be at any of such meeting.

But FEAR NOT ... today, as i was reading this article God speaks to me again ... the first statement in this article was "Who sent you to this meeting in Church ... It is the Father who sent you ... so don't think you are not credible" And I believed he has sent me for a purpose which I don't know what ... But I guess my credibility as nothing to do with my past mistakes or my tactlessness ... God the Father has sent me for a purpose which i have yet to discover.

The other aspect which I would like to share .. something very personal especially now that I am not getting any younger is about going overseas. Going overseas has always been a struggle for me ... Each time I desire wanting to go overseas, even for a very short trip, I would have to think twice to even speak to my mother about it. Being an only child and moreover, the fact that I am not so healthy person, I struggled with this quite badly. I am always wondering whether should i go or not ... and am I following the Father's Will... Take for instance, going to Bangkok for the Jesus Youth Conference was quite a struggle for me. I had this fear of bringing this topic up to my mother as I knew that she would probably does not support it with all her traditional and silly reasons ... I am just hopping that she could understand where i am coming from ... So as I was about to bring this up to my mother I told myself that i have to overcome this fear and to really discuss it with her .. despite knowing that she would probably give her silly reasons.

So brothers and sisters in Christ, let us know get so caught up with our fears in our lives but to come out of our comfort zone ... to step up in faith and trust that God is taking care of us.

Colin Sng

2007-03-22T10:15:00.000+08:00

Hi Friends,

This would be my very first blog i am writing ... anyway, I was very inspired by what Evelyn was sharing. Like i said, sorry for taking such a long time to write as i have been quite busy lately with so many meetings and work. In fact, I was struggling quite a big time this morning about my insecurity and it has been quite some time since i felt this way. Eve, thanks for your openness and honesty, you really inspired me to write more about my inner thoughts. Well, i guess what inspired me was about her thoughts about marriage and i guess this is something i struggle with each day and honestly, i am still wondering and discerning whether God will allow me to get into a relationship with Janice. I have been persevering for many years, and can you believe it this is my eleventh years of waiting and i will constantly persevere until God give me a very very clear sign that Janice is not the person and that He gives me the grace to accept it and also that He shows me someone else that is as good as her...haha.

Well, with my new office setting, it's much more convenient for me to put my favorite Jesus picture which i really fall in love with. There is so much of privacy for me to pray and spend time with God in the morning before i start my day. So this morning, as I was struggling with the issue that i initially mentioned, I was reminded once again by the grace of the HOly Spirit that He is in charge of my love life and that I do not have to worry. I just got to trust that He is the Perfect Father and He has best plan on earth. Like I have mentioned last weekend, during our cell group sharing, that He has constantly showed me his plan especially with my new job. So if He is able to take good care of me in terms of my new job and financial situation, i believe He would take care of my love life. What's more .. I am still young and i know for sure, deep inside me that I am not ready for any courtship until I am more financially ready and stable and more importantly, I am more emotionally and psychologically ready. I believe the Lord has put in this job for a reason and ironically, He has put in this particular family i am in so that He could form me to be good husband and father.

At this juncture, I would like to share with you something that really struck me last night .. i was with Johannes Iwan from SACCRE Youth. Well, thanks be to God ... I am so inspired by this guy la, he's full of zeal and passion for the Lord. He's truly a Man of Vision and dreams for the Kingdom of God ... I praise and thank God for giving me this opportunity to meet this young man, a true Man of God, seeking the heart of God ... Truly, the Church of today need more and more people like him .. to spread the fire of Love for His Kingdom. So brothers and sisters, let's not be so caught up with our own struggles, crosses ... and then wallow down in our self-pity but let's up get up from our comfort zone to dream dreams for the Kingdom of God!!! Whilst speaking to him, I realised that the Harvest is truly plentiful but the laborers are very few .... As what Jesus has spoken to the Paralysed man, let us get up and walk in faith of Christ ...

Colin Sng

Powerful message for me

2007-03-21T20:55:00.000+08:00

hi, last nite went for the tue bible input by fr eugene vaz. gosh i was like so wow-ed by some of the messages that he taught. last nite's verses talked about this passage, there was this man who said he wanted to follow Jesus, but Jesus said that foxes have holes and birds have nests but the Son of Man does not have a place to lay his head. refers to the fact that to be a disciple, like Jesus, we do not have a place to lay our heads too, we do not have the security and comfort of a permanent home, we are constantly faced with uncertainty and inconveniences. sometimes i experience that and feel that way too. times when i don't know if i will be a teacher forever, times when i don't know when i will get married, times when i don't know if I am doing God's will, times when i feel so tired and beaten and don't know who to turn to and feel alone. Jesus himself knew that to be a disciple, we will all face this, so He took the first step to experience it first then taught us how to handle it.

then to another man, Jesus said, "Follow me". but the man replied, "let me go bury the dead first" and Jesus replied, "let the dead bury the dead; you go and proclaim the Kingdom of God". the 'dead' refers to the spiritually dead, that our role as disciple is to proclaim the Kingdom of God to everyone we meet, but if we encounter ppl who reject us, we are to leave them, and not be hindered by them. God has a place and a time for them, for nothing can touch or move them, only God alone.

Finally, another said, "i will follow you", but Jesus answered, "those who has laid their hands on the plow must never look back." we, who have laid our hands on the plow of decision to walk in God's ways, must never look back. we have come this far, we shall only look forward.

take heart people, it's mid-week. weekend will soon be here again. Keep Jesus in your heart always.

evil-lynn

just me and my guitar

2007-03-18T14:46:00.000+08:00

("Every heart
Every power
Lies in the heart of a
seed that flowers ..."

We are all flowering seeds and like the parable of the sower, how we spring up depends on what ground we fall on. May we fall on fertile land so that our hearts are in the right place- with God, and that we serve Him and not the secular world.

Sometimes it is hard. The struggle between serving God and serving Man is a daily battle for some of us. We want to do more for Christ but at the same time, we are bound by work and time constrains. We want to serve Him more. give more to His cause but then sometimes a tight budget makes it hard for us to do so.

At the end of the day, despite all the struggles, let us put Christ in the centre of it all. We must know what to fight for and what to surrender to him to battle for us. For we are weak but HE IS STRONG... and in Him, we can find great victory.

We're all "seeds in the Maker's hand", planted on this Earth here to grow in His way. Let us not grow wayward like weeds but bask in His Sun (Son) and blossom in His Time whilst growing in His Word with each new day.

Thanks Corrinne for reminding us about that.

May that voice touch more lives not just through secular love songs, but through her love songs for Jesus.

steven

Renewed

2007-03-18T14:30:00.000+08:00

HELLO!

im posting this in the midst of my presentation meeting.. hah! anyway sorry cant stay for sharing and for missing yest's gathering! ): but for now, im really amazed at how God can change one sian, gloomy, stressful morning into a sunnier afternoon! (: haha.

actually i didnt wanna come for session today, but i went cos im the kind who'd feel guilty if i pon anything. ya so i'd go for everything though i may not want to la. but im glad i went for session. for the past wk, ive been feeling like i wanna just take a break from everything and just hide in a hole in the corner of the world. there's really too much things to handle la. and im abt to reach the 'really really cannot cope with everything' stage. its very very sian to have to keep trying to meet deadlines and when one thing is done have to go rush another project/assignment. really dunno why this sem is so stressful la. and seniors say next sem is worse. i can just prepare my cave in some faraway land already. yup. so tts y im so sian everyday and i think im becoming quite anti-social also. i dont even want to meet up with friends, don't want to go anywhere, i just want to come home right after school, like immediately after the lecture, go straight home.. and at home i dont even want to do work, i just stare at my work and sigh then go and slp without completing it. oh no, after typing all these out and reading them, i think these are like signs of depression or sth right? haha!

i realise im a very 'need people's approval' person, like if i want to dont go for session, i'd think abt how some ppl will wonder why im not there, and if my staying at home to finish up work is a good enough excuse to not go for sessions, and most of the time i would think its not a good enough excuse la, so if i really dun go for session i'd feel guilty. even just now when i left early, i was also feeling quite 'oh no, dunno what they would say of me.' and even worse if ppl ask me how come i didnt go for session or wat, i'd be very very suspicious of their intentions of asking me. i would be wondering if they're judging me or anything.
sigh. such a mafan mentality right?

but really, thank God for this weird mentality if not i wouldnt have gone for session. and if i hadnt gone for session i'd still be on my sad journey to looking for that cave or hole to hide in for the rest of the week.
and i wouldnt be feeling so refreshed! haha.

OH! and im so proud of our catholic faith! haha. so cool to have a SEA conference! really no boundaries to our faith! (: but sad! cant go.. its right smack in the middle of my exams! ):

ok.. back to work. haha.

Honesty

2007-03-12T11:24:00.000+08:00

hi people it's me again. read the bcg's blog and was struck by the deep honesty of their sharing and i reflected on how honest and how personal my sharings were.

i must confess that i'm still struggling alot in not being able to share my spiritual life with adrian. it's hard and i feel persecuted most of the time. over time, it just gets too tiring and discouraging to embrace the sadness and disappointment, that subconsciously, i just resorted to disowning that struggle and that sadness. sweeping everything under the carpet instead of taking it to prayer. i have disowned it to the extent that i have forgotten about this problem. but this disowning has caused me to share with comm only about the superficial things of my life, has caused me to not be able to share the deepest part of myself with comm. wrong step. it would be more right to unite this sadness to the sufferings of Christ. read somewhere that it's normal for disciples of Christ to face persecutions. but it doesn't take away the reality of having to face the sadness and discouragement.

also, realized i have not gotten over: if i share deeper about him, how would the community see him? how would comm see me? what if he stumbled upon this blog and read what i've posted here? how would he react? would he distant himself from me? from the community?

as i type this, i'm filled with fear and anxiety of not knowing what will happen. i rem attempting to share deeply at another occasion before (outside comm) and was rejected. ppl couldn't take the honesty. will msc be diff? does this difference depend on every individual, starting from me?

eeever-lynn

Barrier and Grace

2007-03-12T10:01:00.000+08:00

oh my gosh people! here i come.. haha, great to see so many heart-warming posts.

first, thanks cons for setting this up and kenny, cons and steve for writing. i'm quite inspired to write.

me, the st teresa retreat has been good for me. esp the session input by jonathan pillai. he's good, so like jude's pattern haha. he spoke about how our relationship with God is reflective of our relationship with esp our fathers, or the other way round. i know of this fact a long time ago, but it never struck me so hard like in the session. i always felt very confident of God's compassionate mercy, seldom doubt about how He would so readily and easily forgive. but yet i feel a great distance from Him. and that is exactly how i feel about my dad. he's a wonderful, fantastic, super-self-sacrificial father. exactly like how God is, if God were to appear in person, he would look something like my father. but there is a great emotional distance between us. and that's how i feel with God. somehow i feel there's a great wall or barrier that i cannot break down. feels beyond my ability to knock down this wall. it's an obstacle to a deeper and more intimate relationship with God.

this morning when i woke up, being the week of the march holidays, i dun need to go school... yay... but i didn't know whether to go school to do work or to stay home to do work, or to stay home and slack.. then somehow i asked God what He wanted me to do. and i realized i haven't done that for a long time - asking God what to do. i rem how i used to seek His Will so much in every single tiniest thing, like should i sleep late during the holidays, should i go swimming during my free time, should i send a msg to a fren, should i go up to that fren to say hi, etc... but over the past one year, i have either stopped doing that or i have done less of that, and that increases that barrier and distance from God. bad. but i'm glad that i asked Him this morning. it really struck me that i have been wrong in wanting to make decisions myself without seeking the Holy Spirit. and i shall try to seek Him again in the smallest of things. because the world sees seeking God in every small thing, as weakness and incapability, as though we are not capable of making decisions ourselves. but that is not true. seeking the Holy Spirit in the tiniest things, helps me grow closer and strengthens my relationship with God. also because i stopped consulting the Holy Spirit, i have stopped asking for grace and strength to do the tiniest things, like completing an assignment or sitting down at the computer to do a lesson plan, thinking that everything depends on me. i became more spiritually arrogant which is opposite of humility. humility leads to gratitude, which leads to service. i have been wrong and i hope to change things around.... OOPS i mean i should be saying, i hope to ask for the grace and strength to change.

yup that's me for now. so when i asked God what to do for today, He didn't give me an answer. but here am i blogging, which i never planned to do if i were to make the decision on my own. praise You O God.

eeever-lynn

2007-03-11T22:22:00.000+08:00

now i have to contribute to 2 blogs...!!!

thats to addition to many blogs!!! cos me being popular :)

ok enough of crap...

K... last week was a real super bad one for me.
everyday i had been sleeping for round 3 hrs...and on fri itself i slept for only 1 hr.
fri was my own fault for slping late. was out at timbre till 3+am... took a quick 1hr nap and had to rush off for trg.

so at 5 am.......i was out on the road.

I said a morning prayer b4 the ride that day... cos i knew i was still very tired after the long week and lack of slp (who wldn't right)... and its a danger to myself and my other team mates if i wasn't alert on the road.

i was the leader of pack as we pass thru west coast rd.... just as i was about to cross a cross road junction, a big tour bus suddenly turned and came head on towards us... if i was any second slower in shouting to the rest of the grp... or i didn't notice that the bus did not stop ( we were right of way btw)... u wldn't see me at teh retreat or maybe in future at all.

i was shocked... and awed by the changes god has made to my life. a yr ago... i wld have been killed instantly,judging by how reckless i was in the past. but now... i see new purpose in my life... though i am still searchin the answer to "who am I?" and " who is jesus"... and have given up many things in the process... i am affirmed now and then that it is all worth it

anyway pls include me in your prayers.-i am really coping badly in school now, long hrs, alone, and spiritually hungry. last week itself i only went mass 2 times during the weekdays. I don't know why, but St francis Assicis church doesn't have evening services... and ntu is super far away from civilisation for me to get out of that place.

i really hope things get better in weeks to come...

steven

AM i a tree that bears fruit?

2007-03-11T11:42:00.000+08:00

attended mass at IHM this morning. n the first thought was o man .. is fr antonio.. i cant undersand him at all cuz of his accent. quite relectant to go for mass at IHM but i over slept this morning so i didnt go to SFX.. sundays are very special dazs for me as it is the day of the Lord. although there is mass at 5pm at the retreat, i still want to go for my morning mass, if not it just seems strange to me.

I attended mass alone cuz melt overslept n i was like all alone.. hahahha no la .. i was with God . the choir was good n the whole entire settling is great.... the songs that was chosen was great. what struck me the most at mass today was the homily where Fr said:" every lent we tell God help me to change this or that, but then what is the thing we should continue to ask God is..... to tell him to change us n help us to b a tree that bears fruits!!!" It just struck me so hard that although i might be able to overcome my struggles n temptation with prayers n reflections, i am just a stagnant tree. If i am a fruit bearing tree, i am bearing bitter fruits..... it just got me thinking.. in the midst of mass, i was also thinking of what is God telling me. read John 4: 4-52. about the samartian woman.. God is asking her do you want to drink the water that does not make u thirsty anymore ??? very powerful message.. so what am i drinking n where am i drinking from??? today i was so awed too that th universal church round the whole is celebrating the 1st scrunity for the elect as they draw closer to baptism. i was like wow.. so many will be baptise this easter.. it is like a 24 hrs event like every second every min, pple will be baptised.. i was like so in awed that the CATHOLIC church is so united n we are ONE BIG family..... keep my Godson in prayer too as he embark another step closer to baptism. His first scrunity is held in Johor as he is having his retreat this weekend. may he have a great encounter with the Lord.. Jason lin, if you get to read our blog.. my another Godson.. hahhaha .. take this time to recall ur baptism call as you said YES to him last yr. So what is ur reflection on our own baptism? as you spend easter with enl , drag each other to pray n literally go into the passion of Christ n rise with him on easter sunday.. (dont just drink n drink n then travel - hahahaaah make time to pray. form the little community in finland)

Got to do my work now.. later have to return to retreat n do a session...
SHIREEN ... YOU BETTER START BLOGGING IT IS NOT A KENSTANCE BLOG...... IT IS EVERYBODY BLOG.. blur.... hehehehehahahhahahheheheheh

Kenny

small enough

2007-03-10T20:13:00.000+08:00

oh, great god, be small enough to hear me now
there were times when i was crying
from the dark of daniel's den
and i have asked you once or twice
if you would part the sea again
but tonight i do not need a fiery pillar in the sky
just wanna know you're gonna hold me if i start to cry
oh, great god, be small enough to hear me now

oh, great god, be close enough to feel you now
there have been moments when i could not
face goliath on my own
and how could i forget we've marched around
our share of jerichos
but i will not be setting out a fleece for you tonight
just wanna know that everything will be alright
oh great god, be close enough to feel you now

all praise and all honor be
to the god of ancient mysteries
whose every sign and wonder turn the pages of our history
but tonight my heart is heavy
and i cannot keep from whispering this prayer
"are you there?"

and i know you could leave writing on the wall
thats just for me
or send wisdom while i'm sleeping,
like in soloman's sweet dreams
but i don't need the strength of samson
or a chariot in the end
just want to know that you still know how many hairs
are on my head
oh great god, be small enough to hear me now
-----------------------

im very touched by this song.
it never occurred to me how BIG God is, like whenever i pray right, i would think of how i want God to answer my prayers like NOW! and its all i need His help in this, need His blessings in that, need Him to make people see things the way i see them.. that kinda thing. but it has never ever occurred to me, how small i was, and who am i to 'command' God to do such wonders in my life. i'm just one of the millions and billions of His creations. why listen to my prayers? why answer them?

but our God is so amazing, He does listen to my irritating complaints and answers my prayers. feeling VERY BLESSED and SO SO SO LOVED by this great God of ours, cos he has made Himself small enough to hear me. (:

at the top

2007-03-09T18:55:00.000+08:00

just a short reflection:

my fren has been asking me the whole of the past wk if i wanted to go climb Mt Ophir with her. and i was thinking i'm so so so lazy to climb a mountain! and though i wanna go see the scenery, i think of the journey, the climbing, the tiredness, all the lactic acid i'd feel in my legs, the grime and dirt and the insects? haha, i was like huh..... dun want. haha! i noe its quite uncharacteristic of an ex-outdoor activities club member. but yeah.. that was exactly what i was thinking la. then i was like if i could just go right straight to the top to watch sunrise and just appreciate the beauty there, i'd go!

so i thot wah i always want the easy way out, like in this case, i just wanna reach the top and stay there without any effort required on my part. i likened the 'top' to be a place of peace and happiness or something that is good la, generally. then i realise in the same way, the reason why my spiritual life hasnt been very good throughout the wk and then in the wkends especially during sessions i'd be all inspired and feel good abt everything.. its the so called 'high' feeling we get after a session where we experience Him. and then i wanna just stay there and be unrealistic and not come down. haha. like in the transfiguration, where the disciples just wanted to build tents and stay up there.

so similarly, the trek upwards to the top is just the same as my daily prayer life, or rather my relationship with God. though sometimes i'd feel very alone on this journey and dont feel His presence, i realise the importance of this 'trek' up that 'mountain', cos along this walk, only by experiencing the highs and lows and the dryness of this spiritual journey, can we only experience the fullness of the joy we'd experience at the top. (:

--------
hopefully my incoherent thoughts can be understood. haha! (:

how.. Sian...

2007-03-09T13:14:00.000+08:00

hmm.... the end of the week is here again.. time floes like nobody business n it is driving me crazy.. already... how come nobody blogs yet.. where is evelyn , colin , shireen , steven, mel chen.. where is everyone . . .. ..

anyway.. i am lost.. i feel so indifferent.. i feel like nothing. last night my dad was admitted to the hospital cuz of his leg (suspected muscle tear). the strange thing is that i have no feeling at all. what was in mind was like hey i have tutorial to rush , my lab report to do.. my studies to catch up n there are so many things not done... i am like .. hey i have so much to do... cannot stop.. but the fact is last night i didnt even accomplish much.. done with one tut for discussion today n then i was so tired..

i was thinking... if it is someone else... like the rest of my relatives... pple from MSC... i will react differently.. why... i dont know.. i think i can feel like this... but then it is all out of responsiblity now.. later i will be gg down.. imagine that i am thinking how long am i gg to stay... what i have to say.. i actually dont know... like arhh.. what the....... i am doing ny lab report in school nw but i think i dragging my time n i dont want to go down so early... then i can leave like b4 mass or what.. but like arhh.. isnt this a celebration much called for then gg for a mass n feel good with gOd but not with the pple around me.. confused... i am a person that thinks alot and weighs the cost b4 i do anything...

today.. at tut.. irritated.. i asked my classmate abt what was the lecturer trying to explain cuz i dont understand.. then the lecturer called her n asked is there anything wrong.. then she said no.. then she pointed at me.. guess what the lecturer asked me... anything Kenny... i said nothing.. to me is a small matter but my friend deemed that as me saboing her.. is like arhh.... what the hell.... so childish.. then she said go n ask prof urself later.. then i was like this is just a small matter.. what big deal.. but to her is a big deal.. i then took the humble pie n said ok ya is my fault.... i just cant understand.....

Kenny

2007-03-07T21:08:00.000+08:00

hi all . . . .

I came across this i find it so meaningful especially duringthis period of lent .

Fasting in Ramadan

God, what am I
But a pale copy
Of the true ascetics?
A lesson in humility.
Only under such heat, such thirst,
Does the soul realise
The body is just a mirage.
Forgive me, God, for Crossing the dates on the calendar,
Numbering thirty days of abstinence;
For observing how muchTemptation surrounds me.
The tap's mouth glistens even though
It is only my eye that has polished it.
And it is only my longing That saturates the colour of apples,
That turns a passing scent into form,
Like breaths sculpted in cold weather.
Feasting before dawn.
Each sunrise I fade,Reduced to a mouth, source
Of desire, of the original sin.
And at each sundown, a glassful of water
Travels down my gullet
And turns me solid again:
God, when you breathed life
Into the first man, was that
What answered his craving?
Or did he know then, that
As you fed him, you also gave him
Hunger, a crumb of that world
That you will cast him down into?

Kenny

what a day . . .. .

2007-03-07T17:46:00.000+08:00

hello friends..

Wow it is atually so strange to actually so called write my personal diary on line so that everyone can read abt my thoughts and all. However, i guess it is super challenging as i think this is the best way where all of us will be in touch with each other as some would not be able to make it for sharing or sessions.

Currently, i am in my dept computer room all alone there after a project discussion. I was just thinking of what should i share for my reflection today. it is another montonous day in school where i am simply lost in my studies. not knowing what the lecturers were teaching and the speed they taught was like they are rushing to "heaven". as i try to keep myself awake at lectures .. doozing off along the way.. i questioned myself . .hey why am i here for.. what am i doing all these for. then i pondering n thinking. i must praise God for this gift to be able to study as not many pple are given this opportunity. I am not here in NUS becos i am smart. cuz to be frank i am not.. truthfully i am not at all.. it is the grace from God that he has put me in here. so what i truly one from my stay here in NUS?? it has been almost 2 yrs i am there n i will be graduating next april if everything goes smoothly.. it is a question that i am trying to find out. U know what.. this quest "are you gg to be a civil eng?" has been asked by my classamtes to me serveral times today. My ans to them was "NO!"... so then what . . . . .

for me the greatest highlight for my day today was to meet up with my godson for lunch. it is always amazing to hear his sharing as he always tells me that he is growing in his faith n how he is able to see God in his studies and all the things that he is doing. n how excited he is yearning to exp God in his retreat tis weekend. I was like hey "kenny, are you excited for God?" .. many a times my r/s with God is like wow.. he s good today to me n the next day i will go into my self centeredness abt who god is to me. when i am down i will never see God in all these. a very good reflection for me.. i guess i fall into this category of what pple always say"You do not preach what you say". anyway i will carry on.. then he asked me a quest " Do you know why my facilitator asked me to carry a piece of granite everywhere throughout the whole week n bring that same piece of granite for the retreat?" i was like hmm........... i think.... i think... i thought i know the ans but i come to know that i do not know why... at that pt i was like hey i still have alot of things that i do not know.. i realise that i am so limited n God is unlimited..God speaks to us in many ways even through a piece of granite. i have not been listening but hearing ......

i have to stop here.. heading home after this.
i hope my blog make sense.. first time trying this out.. i will share more deeply in the days to come..

Kenny

miracle

2007-03-07T17:45:00.000+08:00

HELLO!!

woke up 5mins before mass started today!! failed attempt again..

but anyway on the way home from sch, i was thinking that today has been a day with many little blessings.. amidst my busy-ness, God has reminded me to be more aware of the wonderful frens i have around me, of many simple simple blessings, like the good traffic conditions this morning that allowed me to reach school 40mins before my lecture starts so that i had time to get coffee and sandwich, and sit and talk with my frens..

then i realise that things are different now. remember i used to share that everyday is just another sian day, and i keep sighing? haha! now though im still tired and quite stressed about my to-do list, i've regained my cheerfulness and optimism and suddenly the world seems brighter! (: haha.

share a very nice picture..

my fren took this pic at ECP. and he asked me to help add in a quote.
so now it says "we can only appreciate the miracle of sunrise if we've waited in the darkness."

the quote is very meaningful! if only we've experienced the darkness in our lives can we only appreciate the light. its a very good reminder to all of us who are in struggling in whatever aspect of our lives or suffering in any way, this 'darkness' will soon come to pass in His perfect timing and then we may 'see the light' and fully be thankful and glad.

how do we know what's happiness if there's no sadness?
how do we know what's peace if there's no 'war'?
how do we know what's healing if there're no struggling or suffering?

everything in His time..

hello!

2007-03-06T23:46:00.000+08:00

heys everyone..

ok i finally gotten done to setting this up. raymond asked me to set it up about a wk ago.. haha! and i felt that we shld have a blog too! haha! "follow the trend." no la, more importantly, its to promote deeper and more sharings in our community. like what raymond told me, he was saying that if each cell group could have a blog, then the rest of the people can also be inspired by our sharings! then the whole community will grow! somemore, i realise some ppl in the community have their own separate spiritual blogs.. might as well share here right? (:

yup, and i think i share better without speaking. haha. everytime after sharings on sundays i would feel like i nv give justice to what i really wanna share. and somemore, like throughout the week, i'd have some inspiration or revelation then tell myself to remember for sharings for sunday or tues, but in the end i'd never remember and end up with nothing to share during sharings! then stress! so.. blog is good. haha!

so yup, that's all for now. its been a crazy two days, and 3 more crazy days to come before the camp. i gotta get back to lab report-ing!!

morning mass tmr! i must wake up early!!!!

cons*